Split personality affliction

I wish I could come up with an abbreviation of some variation of split personality disorder that would spell out SPAZZ. That is me.

I am torn between two lifestyles, two mes.

On one hand I have never been healthier in my life and have never stood up for myself so strongly to protect my health and sanity and well-being. No longer will I be a pushover. If I do something kind for someone, it will be willingly. If I feel guilty, it will be because I have done something wrong and not because I am so concerned with how other people feel over my own feelings. Forever after will I trust my instincts.

On the other hand, I am stuck in every sense of the word, and all because of something I typically see as trivial: money. My circumstances are such that I have been living in the condo I bought with my former boyfriend a few years back, and we broke up last August. Though he did move out for a good six months, I have been living with him for 6 of the other months of the year. For numerous complicated reasons I cannot leave until things in his own life are sorted out. Everything I do depends on him at this point, and I am going broke in the process. It is killing me. And now it has carried over into my work (along with the work environment just generally sucking). I cannot make any moves. None. Unless of course I want to further indebt myself, which I do not.

So I have many good days, interspersed with terrible ones. Today has been both. The last few days have been sprinkled with meltdowns, followed by moments of peace. All I really want right now is to shut myself away in a cottage somewhere alone for a month. I don't want people, I don't want work, I don't want exes, nothing. Not even the amazing people around me. I want to be ALONE. Unfortunately, this is impossible for now.

Meanwhile, I spend a lot of time with my great friends. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy myself with them, but I really need some escape, anything really.

But just when I was feeling like drastic measures are inching their way closer in my mind, I received a package in the mail from my good friend, with unfailingly impeccable timing. It brought tears to my eyes. She sent me two CDs (from Sweden) with some pleasant music just because she thought I would like it and thinks of me. I can truly and honestly say that knowing her, as well as a handful of other friends and family members who have shown me nothing but love and support, has saved my life. I hope one day, when I have the energy again, I will be able to show them how much they mean to me. But to this friend in particular I am most grateful, because she has always managed to make some small gesture just at the most critical moment, and that small gesture becomes monumental...

...in less depressing news, the diet challenge is going well. I am ready to just be done with dieting and all that right now, but I know this is paying off and this is the only thing within my control, so it is a healthy alternative to drinking, drugs or whatever other less healthy form of escapism I could find...