I survived.

I wish I could say the things that happened over Christmas, but these are not things I can put on the Internet for the world to see. All I can say is that some pretty major family stuff happened, but it was more positive than anything else. My brother and I managed to get along for the first time ever, and I think my family has gotten closer as a result of this information that came to light... I'll just say this: burying secrets is a burden, and people should be able to share that burden with their families...

I managed to weigh in at 143 this morning. I ate like a pig for Christmas and Christmas Eve, but all the other days I was careful aside from sneaking in a few too many shortbread cookies. I am back to careful eating now, and very happy to be home.

I bought myself clothes that fit, lots of them, on Boxing Day. I couldn't go shopping for pants because I was totally bloated from Christmas, but I got so many nice tops. For once I don\t have to wear hand-me-downs or scrappy old clothes! I have clothes that reflect my personal, very loud and funky style. eeee!!! I can't wait to lose the last bit of weight so I can buy sexy jeans too! God it feels good to feel good about yourself, truly. So for anyone out there who is still struggling, keep on trucking because this feeling is worth it!

I can't wait for New Year's Eve. It is probably my favourite, or my second favourite after Thanksgiving, time of year. I will be spending it with someone I really like, so it should be a great time...

Have a good week and wish me luck (I checked my work email and Im pretty sure I'm already booked with work for the next 3 days...ugh)

Christmas Day

Well, I definitely feel fatter today. I ate very light yesterday, in preparation for dinner, but I overdid it majorly. I don't mind since it's just one day, but today we are having another dinner. I was hoping to control myself a bit today (without drawing comments from my loving but sabotaging family such as "it's Christmas", "you don't want to lose tooooo much weight", etc...). I don't think the self control is in the cards. I've already snuck in a few too many cookie bites, though I did take a nice 40-minute walk first thing in the morning...

I think this is good for me though. Ending the year not weighing myself, indulging for just a few days, and taking a serious exercise break. November was rough physically in terms of eating, exercising and being unwell, so it's a good time to relax.

I am sleeping amazingly well. Things in my personal life are putting smiles on my face, and I am so looking forward to shopping tomorrow and this week for clothes, a few things for my family, and an outfit for the New Year's party I am likely going to. It's "Mad Men"-themed. I have always wanted to go to a fancy dress New Year's party, but this is almost better!

I just hope there are tickets left when I buy them this week...

Have a great day everyone, Merry Christmas and wish me luck having SOME self-restraint.

The holidays

Day 2 with la famiglia and all is well in the universe so far.

Not only did I sleep like a baby the first night I got here, but I got to wake up, read, relax... It is so quiet here...

I went for a freezing walk outside (having packed in such a rush, I didn't bring warm clothes because on first thought I figured I'd be at my parents' house the whole trip, not walking around Toronto). My hair was wet since my bro didn't have a hair dryer, and I was wearing leggings! Luckily, the friend I was meeting for sushi lunch reminded me where the underground paths are so I could do half the walk indoors.

I did the same on the way back, but this time decided to go use my gift card for the Bay and buy myself a nice bra that fits. Up until recently I still had 1-2 that would fly, but the time has come to figure out what size I am. While my chest has shrunk a lot, I am only down one size surprisingly, was a 36D and am now 34D/34-36C depending... Betsey Johnson bras always fit like a glove, so I bought a cute, sexy pink dotted one with matching underwear, and I CANNOT WAIT to wear them. A little know fact about me is that I have recently discovered a love for nice lingerie. It was because, when I was heavy, my ex had me discover specialty stores where I could find bras for small ribcages / big boobs. The only ones are very expensive French lingerie... Now I fit into less expensive brands, but I always opt for intricate and uberfeminine stuff.

I also bought my face cream from some bitchy Christmas employees.

I intend to go shopping on boxing day, and pick up clothes and things for my parents and brother...

I haven't weighed in here, but I'm fairly certain it's under control, cookies and all. Yesterday I had a big but veggie-ful lunch and dinner was also quite healthy. I've just been sneaking in a shortbread cookie or chocolate chip cookie here and there, not overdoing it :)

Alright, it is time for me to start packing up my stuff, since we're heading to my parents' place for the next two days. Merry Christmas everyone!

Quick update before heading off

I made it to 141!

Yesterday I made a quick trip to see a good friend who's father we just lost to pancreatic cancer. stupid cancer. f%$^%.

I just got home from work, and since I can't figure out how to unlock the door on my washing machine, I have to re-wash my bathroom floormat on quickwash before I go to the airport, just so I can get the damp thing outta there!!!

I am killing time. It took me all of 10 minutes to pack. I threw all my dirty clothes in a bag, with a hair straightener, a pair of non-winter boots, some makeup and jewels and sock/undergarments and a toothbrush and I'm good to go. My entire mission in life has been perfecting the airport process. So far it has paid off. Today, I am leaving especially early since many European flights have been cancelled and it snowed today... I pre-print boarding passes, bring NO liquids, check in online, have all necessary documents, and will probably buy a book at the airport since I can't find one I want to read at home.

I am purely exhausted, but life is going very well. I'm excited about certain things, drained for others, but these next few days will hopefully give me some time to re-energize for the new year. I have to work my ass off, literally, in January to get to my goal...

Okay, happy holidays (she hears echoes), to anyone out there. Lots of love!

Made it, despite myself

Well I still haven't bought groceries, but I did manage to eat a semi-homemade dinner yesterday, and I am down to my lowest yet: 142, teetering on 141.8...

I played my last game of court vollyeball yesterday. I am glad it's over. It was fun while it lasted, but too late, too far away, and very hard on the body.

Eating is on track for me aside from it all being takeout food. Yesterday my alarm didn't go off so I had to buy breakfast as well. I had very little appetite after hearing some horrible news about someone being murdered in my friend's in-laws' family... You really never expect things like that to get so close, and the situation is just so sad and could have been prevented. I tend to get stressed out over my friends' problems, so yesterday I just felt uninterested in food.

I am leaving for home for Christmas tomorrow, and I think I'm just uber stressed about it. I need to relax. But I am sure, when all's said and done, if it's going that badly I will go stay with my parents instead and be able to relax for sure. In the meantime, I'm off on a quick jaunt to visit a close friend who's just lost her father to cancer, but she is handling it remarkably well since they had time to say their adieus before he left...

Alright, I have to get ready, I hope you all have a wonderful day, and if I don't write again before I leave, HAPPY HOLIDAYS everyone!

Better days

Well, I nearly hit my breaking point yesterday, but all is almost completely well in the universe again. Alas, sometimes it is more productive to stop and take a breath rather than press on: life is a marathon after all.

Work was insane yesterday. Life has been insane all week. I have gone through every human emotion, thanks in large part to being PMSmoody. I wont explain all the details, but realizing now is the time to move on from my past life and into a new one, and being overwhelmed with work, social life, and two years of hell and no vacation...well all that has meant I have no more energy to focus on losing weight or getting in shape.

For the rest of the year, I think I'll focus on maintenance, and start a'fresh with the rest of the sheep on January 1. I think 45 lbs is nothing to scoff at, so I think it's healthy for me to give my brain and body some respite.

I got so much done yesterday, including the DESPERATELY NEEDED cleanup of my apartment. Washed the sheets, did the laundry, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, etc... so my mind feels a lot less cluttered. This morning I worked slowly on a freelance project, and took a little walk to the local market for a delicious panzarotti-like thing and a double espresso :) I worked some more and am now relaxing before getting ready for a date. eee!

Alright, time to go get showered. While it takes me about 15 minutes to get ready, I like to take my sweet time when I have a chance, which is rare. Wish me luck :)

losing steam

Another morning snuggled in bed. Not enough sleep, too many things to do and too much on my mind.

Don't want to get up.

I am definitely out of steam to push myself for the next few days. I have a bunch of things to pay for, side jobs to get done, people to see before I leave for holidays, etc. I want to just slow down. I am not sure my holidays will be restful, but I know I'll get a lot of sleep.

I think I'm still 143, yesterday I was 142.8 and I anticipate a similar result this AM. I am still eating all my meals out, but have been making really good choices. I have a small complaint about the Jugo Juice franchise though. I didn't want to eat just a smoothie for lunch, so I bought one of their wraps. I never buy their wraps for one good reason, and once again this was the case: they have nothing in them. Mine was the louisiana chicken wrap, and it just had chicken strips, sauce and cheese. No greens. Luckily it's not big, but they charge a hefty amount for a rather unimpressive preparation.

In any case, basically I am stressed out. It's a lot of social activity, which is nice, but it's meaning that the time I have to do chores (which are NEEEEEDED at this point) and do my side project are getting slim. Anyway, life is short and I'll sleep when I'm dead.

cozy

I'm using blogging as an excuse not to get out of bed. I just woke up, and I am tired. I've gone to bed later than usual all week and now I just want to stay all cuddled in bed forever. it's effing cooooold outside.

Haven't weighed myself, but I'm sure it's still about 143ish. God I am sick of eating out, but yeah, I wont have time to do groceries until tomorrow night or Saturday.

I played a good 1.5 hours of vball yesterday, but I really pushed myself. I was doing all kinds of crazy awesome dives and not letting anything get past me. It really becomes an adrenaline rush that I am in love with.

I dont want to get into the details, but I think the universe is telling me something. So many unexpected and strange things have been happening this week (all good things).I haven't figured that out yet, and in fact I'm not even sure I believe in that anyway, but it seems plausible given the sheer number of strange happenstances around me now.

Alright, I think this post helped me wake up enough to get out of bed, yay. Thanks!!

brief update

3 hours of volleyball...check!
thighs and ass still aching...check!
homemade breakfast...check!

Big smile...check.

I'm a little stressed out realizing every day between now and going to my parents' place for Christmas is booked. I need time to write Christmas cards and it's not likely going to happen. The fortunate thing is that I'm actually spending time with a lot of people I care about in all this, so that makes up for it.

Good mood today, despite, and perhaps because of the snow "storm" we had last night. Tons and tons of white fluffy snow everywhere.

Alright, not much else to say, so I'm off to work.

bumper cars v. rollercoasters

Hi there!

I hope you all had a nice weekend. I had a lovely one.

I just found out I have a reader I thought had dropped off, so now I realize I'm not just writing to myself and one person I don't really know... That makes me nervous hahha!

Recently, with everything happening in my life, my good friend laughed in response to one of my emails, because she thinks I'm on a "fascinating rollercoaster of emotions". Well let's just say this weekend took it up a notch to emotional bumper cars. At one moment I'm in an exhilarating state, the next, hit with some pretty awful news. Bam, like that, life humbles you. But if there's one thing I've learned, is that death is a moment to mourn someone's loss but truly to celebrate the impact they had on you. Obviously, this isn't so easy to do when it's your close friend or relative, but in my case, I am mostly upset for my friend and her family, who now have to grieve the loss of a great man too early, and also deal with the fact they saw him suffer so badly for the last four months. Life can be so cruel... always count your blessings.

In my case, I count them all the time, and am really enjoying life these days. People around me are showing me so much love and support that I can't help but feel like the luckiest person.

In less dramatic news, I am still in wretched pain from the bootcamp class on Saturday. I'm hoping this will mellow out before 8 pm, when I play volleyball. All weekend I've been cursing at stairs, chairs and beds, since any time I have to walk up or down, or get up from a seated position or lying down, it feels like I'm in my 250th squat. I guess the workout was "effective", but I don't like being out of commission this long. I think volleyball might help though.

I just ate another homemade breakfast and it's so refreshing. Even though I make sure to eat a lot of veggies and fresh food when I eat out these days, none of it tastes as pure and fresh as homemade meals.

Okay, I'm off to kill another 15 minutes before I have to go to work... have a great day!

ouchie!

I am getting back on track. The scale may say otherwise, but that's only because my eating schedule is so chaotic these days. Not only did I play nearly ten hours of volleyball this week (maybe 0.5-1 hour too much for me), I went to a free bootcamp class yesterday. And man it was the most f$^^&#@ tough class I've ever done.

A lot of people keep telling me I should try the P90X videos, well apparently my workout yesterday was like a P90X course, and it was baaah-rrrutal. I used to be very scared of the word bootcamp (though always had some fantasy about trying one of those real bootcamp courses with the walls and ropes and all that. Recently, since I've been getting in good shape, crunches no longer scare me and I can do more of everything, like push ups and squats and all that. So I enjoy a bit of a challenge.

I do not, however, enjoy a novice, overly zealous ripped althete chick trying to get me to do 250 squats, push ups, chin ups (of which I cannot do one), dips, lunges, jumping lunges and jumping squats, in sets of 10, with all the legwork combined and same for the arms. The abs came last but that part wasn't too bad surprisingly. She ended up cutting the workout in half, realizing it would take us 2 hours to do all that (even for the 3 athlete men in the class). I ended up doing just HALF of the HALF and doing squats for 20 minutes until the guys finished 5 sets... I am in paiiiiiiiiiiiin today. It's not debilitating pain, so I am not injured, but faaaaahk that was intense, too intense. Anyway, it was free, I did it, and the instructor will eventually learn to adjust her class to actual people whose bodies are not 100% muscle.

I hardly at during the day, but I finally made an effort to go to the grocery store. I only bought a few things, so that I can at least have breakfast at home this week, and a few snack fruits and veggies. I was saving up my calories for the feast I enjoyed at my friend's Tree Decorating Party. It turned out to be just 4 of us, but the food was amazing (ribs, celery root/potatoes scalloped / beets / mashed artichoke and potatoes / breeeeeaaaad and cheeeeeeeses / and even a vinegar tasting, just for me) (I love vinegar to a crazy extent, and the husband bought some fancy white and regular balsamic. amazing.)

So I did a lot of drinking and eating, and naturally the scale is up, but not by much and it's mostly going to go away today I am sure. I'm about to make myself a late breakfast that's very healthy as well because I am going to a fancy burger place for dinner with a friend tonight. I think I will lighten up about absolutely losing the last 10 lbs before Christmas and focus on not gaining weight right now. I will aim to do the Game On challenge in January to lose the rest...

I got to sleeeeep in this morning and it's snowing prettily outside :) I hope you all have a wonderful day like me.

plateau

It's that time again, when I plateau. This time though, it's just that my eating is all over the place because I haven't made homemade food in ages, and because I am walking less due to snow storms.

The good news is, the minute I start home cooking and reintegrating Saturday workouts, I will be back to dropping pounds I'm sure. I think I don't have enough steam to lose another 10 lbs by Jan 1, but I am hoping to at least get below 140 and stay there throughout Christmas. Even when I was fat I did manage to get through one or two holidays without gaining a pound. It's allllll about awareness of what you're putting in the pie hole.

I have been between 143-144 for a few weeks now, with brief jumps and dips. This week, the food I ate was almost alllll heathly and I made sure to eat lots of veggies/fruit, which is hard to do (well it's hard to find FRESH, not oily/fried veggies). I also played 3 hours of vball on Monday, 4.5 hours on Wednesday (that was a killer), and last night I walked to and from vball (1 hour total) and played for about 2 hours. Saturday I am going to a fitness class with a friend, and it's free! This week was intense with all the vball I played, but it felt amazing.

I cannot wait to go to my parents' place for Christmas. I know it may be a bit stressful with my brother there, but I desperately need any form of time off work...

Today, I decided to continue to eat out for another day. I haven't bought any food, so the breakfast I'd have here would be less healthy than what I get at my usual breakfast spot. I have a feeling I wont end up buying much groceries until the new year... That's probably when I'll try to do the Game On challenge again to lose the last weight. I am always more motivated in Jan/Feb. Plus, technically I have until about January 16 or so, maybe even later, to be 1 full year since I started losing the weight.

Okay, off to work and to get brekkie :)

Losing steam

I feel like a lot of things are happening, and a lot isn't happening, and I don't quite know how to present it in a blog post. But I felt I should try anyway because I am losing steam with the whole blogging/tracking my progress thing.

I think the past few years have taken such a toll that I am now mentally exhausted, albeit very happy with my life. I still have unresolvable money concerns tied up in red tape, and all my effort goes to NOT freaking out about it. But it means my home still isn't furnished and looks like crap, which then means I don't have the energy to keep it all clean, so it's a-clutter with boxes, recycling I haven't put out (no blue box yet), dishes, etc...

I am still at 143 after a brief spike in my weight. I am only doing volleyball these days, but yesterday I decided I wanted a long walk for exercise. The weather was grey and snowy, but perfect for sitting in cafes, and just warm enough for a stroll. So first I went to have a half-wrap and soup at a local healthy food (cheap) eatery, then walked for about an hour to go get cupcakes for a Christmas brunch I'm attending this morning. Of course, I had to test out the goods, so I had a choco-choco cupcake (from Les Glaceurs) and it was very good. I bought two boxes of mini cupcakes to bring with me (20 pcs).

Then I walked around Old Montreal, which was totally deserted, and then along the Canal. I made so many discoveries (including a floating nightclub -- essentially a big box-like boat painted all black with very modern wood trimmings and tons of little portholes-- and on the top was a steaming pool, and in that was a man in a speedo. It was about -5 celcius so I was a little shocked, and partly jealous ha)

Near the end my walk got pretty slippery and cold and windy, but that wind couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I don't know what was with me yesterday, but I always get a little excited in the beginning of winter and around Christmas time even though I'm not a big fan of actual Christmas (I just like the lights, music and spirit).

After weeks of being sick, I was finally able to cap off my Saturday night with two friends at our favourite spot for shisha. It was really nice.

I woke up all cuddly and smooshy, and put on Christmas tunes straight away. I am now going to get ready for the brunch. I'll have to dress warmly since I think I'll walk the 20-30 minutes to my friend's place instead of taking the metro.

Alright, I am off. In sum, I am still on track even though I eat out too much, and am maintaining and possibly still losing weight. Feeling great about my body these days...

Off the wagon, somewhat.

Now I don't want to be too hard on myself because 1) I was sick for the last two weeks, 2) I still do a lot of exercise, and 3) I am still eating relatively well... but I feel like I've slowly bumped myself off the proverbial wagon.

This nudge into normalcy would be okay if I had already achieved my target, but I haven't. I hope to be able to cut back on the working out, and watch what I eat just a bit less (I know that one's a lifelong challenge) in the New Year, once I've reached 135 or less. However, until then I need to stay focused on weight loss and being in shape.

Since moving I have basically abandoned all muscle work. I will get back into the Lululemon and other free classes soon, to help tone and build muscle, but with the holidays coming and having been sick, I haven't in a while. I feel flabby and weak.

Because of money woes I haven't been able to keep up with my own eating needs (buying so many veggies and fish and meat, etc. to stock up), so every other week there are a few days where I am eating all my meals out, except breakfast. I can proudly say though that I am generally making wise lunch/dinner choices regardless.

I feel like my brain has turned down the volume on my weight loss efforts, but I still have a lot of work to do. Because the next step is working on the mental health part and my relationships with family and friends, I need to get this done.

Okay, enough whining, I am leaving for volleyball shortly. I took an intense walk at lunch. So I think I am managing to get my mind back in the right space, but the money troubles are seeping into all aspects of my life and holding me back. From now on, NO EXCUSES. I will succeed. I will persist no matter how many people seem to want to sabotage me, and listen to those with my best interests at heart. I will.