Should I be writing?

Dear fairly-public diary,

I am in week 3 of my challenge. My weigh-in is tomorrow. I would have to be 2 lbs lighter than today to get my bonus points for losing 1% of my body weight (I use my weight on Saturday mornings, then have all Saturday off and it usually takes a week to get back down below the weigh-in reading from the week prior). If I do not get the bonus points, my team will lose, and all because of me. But I suppose it's not all bad; this challenge has allowed me to lose 7 lbs so far and take on some healthy habits and eliminate a couple of bad ones.

I am not sure I should be writing today. Since I stopped blogging daily, I seem to end up blogging only when I have time to myself to sit down and reflect. The problem is that this year has been a painstaking exercise in learning NOT to think about things. So whenever I find myself alone, not out running around, I end up sad. And a few people on Facebook seem to think I am reaching out for help based on my statuses... While I can truly say that things inside my head and heart are not good, I have days that are great too. Those who see me regularly know that I can be very exaggerated/intense/passionate/overdramatic (you choose your personal perspective), but that is because I feel things very intensely. I am never just sort of happy or sort of sad, I am all out all the time. I am intense.

So I think I should force myself to write more when I am a little upbeat as well. I just don't want to paint a really sorry picture when truly, I am so grateful for so much that I have in my life, including the most generous, supportive and loving family and friends.

In any case, today I am sad. It is absolutely ridiculous too. I usually love my alone time, relish in it, because with so many great people to see, I rarely get time for myself. Lately though, when I am unable to find someone to hang out with, I get miserably sad. I spend almost every day out with the same one or two people just relaxing, just so I don't spend too much time wallowing at home. Keeping myself busy has been my escape from depression while I am unable to escape my precarious living arrangement. But the millisecond I know I CAN'T have 24/7 access to whichever friend I fancy at the time, I become like a child.

I am trying to keep things in perspective, but what is wrong with me, seriously!!! My former therapist once casually mentioned that I may experience some form of separation anxiety and suddenly, all these seemingly unrelated issues appeared to make sense. I don't like to self-diagnose, but separation anxiety would cover the bulk of my issues in friendships, with family and in relationships. But what to do?

For now, I just remind myself that 99% of my thoughts are irrational, and then explain to myself why they are irrational and eventually the emotion dissipates. I think this blog has helped me scratch away at this funny feeling inside. So I am going to go eat a small cookie (I am allowed 100 calories of anything I want per day :) and hope that my mind is a little clearer with some sugary badness in my system.

Thanks for listening, whoever's out there.