clearly we are on a break

Hi gentle readers... what's left of you.

I just wanted to check in to let you know not to fret, I am very much staying on track, just seem to be averse to writing these days.

Here's a brief summary of my life as it stands at the moment:

1. In between everything, I have been reading The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz. Almost done, then will start up Ce que le jour doit a la nuit. It's nice to be taking the time to read again (hence my lack of time for blogging).
2. I have been up and down between 140 and 136, but since I've been making home food more and more, it's easier for me to stay at 137-138. If I stop jumping back up every weekend, I might one day manage to break 135. I am hopeful yet.
3. I have been playing vball twice weekly, soccer once a week, running about 1-2 times a week weather permitting, and enjoying a healthy stream of romantic gymnastics with my boyfriend on the weekends. So exercise, as usual, is no problem.
4. I've been feeling amazingly this week as far as my body is concerned. Must be hormonal. Ha!
5. My boyfriend is doing this impossible fitness challenge, most of which would be quite impossible for me with my build (it's geared to upper-body strong men), but the final step is to do a 30-second stationary hand-stand. So I have challenged myself to learn to do that, since that's the one thing he can't do either, so we can practice together. I've become a little obsessed and (like him) am constantly thinking (oooh, loook at thaaat, I could do a handstand there).
6. My emotional state is being monitored/charted daily so I can figure out why I get depressed randomly but usually around PMS time, to see if it's PMDD or PME.

Okay, I'm off to volleyball. Wish me a smashing good time!

gurgle.

My tummy's been upset for the last day and I spent yesterday afternoon off sick from work to rest. I still haven't figured out if I am actually sick or this is post-weekend-indulgence indigestion and exhaustion... but I'm not taking any chances, so I am eating very bland food today.

This past weekend I got to see friends from Quebec City, from Toronto, my parents, my boyfriend... and last night, my close friend who just got back from a vacation in Lebanon.

Tonight, after soccer, I'll be going to a friend's house for a clothing swap (a bunch of people bringing all their unwanted clothes to a party for possible exchange...eee). I barely have any clothes left from my heavier days, but the nicer stuff will be brought, and I hope I will find some interesting stuff (I always love other people's clothes!!)

After getting down to 137 last week, then all the way up to 142 yesterday from weekend bloat, I am back to 138 after eating VERY lightly yesterday and hydrating. I am hoping to be very disciplined here until I leave for Toronto for the weekend, then in Toronto just make sure to be a little careful, so when I get back, I can begin really trying harder to get past 135. I was so close.

Okay, off to work. gurgle.

word of the day: borborygmus (I might be spelling it wrong, but look it up. I use it all the time now hahaha)

In response to Drazil's post about power over food...

Amen sister!

For those of you who are not Drazil (a follower of my blog with a hilarious blog of her own), her post today was about how we have very little control over our little universi, with the exception of our bodies.

In response to her blog, I wanted to make some notes about why I fully agree.

When it comes down to it, we take the hand we're dealt, and can make do with it as we wish, within our means. The problem is, most people accept average, and average tends to be lazy and unhealthy.

I decided to cope with depression and anger and all the resulting health problems (ones that are within my control, since I'm aware that some health problems seem to appear out of nowhere) by making my physical person as perfect as possible. By perfect, I do not mean visually, but in its ability to work FOR ME.

I generally feed myself foods that serve a purpose AND please my mouth, thus fulfilling energy requirements and mood-related needs. I do not deprive myself, but must exercise extremely challenging restraint at times because I indulge a lot.

People keep asking me what "my secret" is. This mindset makes me want to punch people. You know why? Because it is NOT EASY losing weight and becoming fit. It just isn't. It might be easy to lose the first 10-15 lbs, but that is precisely where most people stop, and usually gain back the weight and start over. It takes support, motivation, ass-kicking, whining, deprivation, anger, energy and some degree of intelligence to power through and lose all the weight, put on all the muscle or maintain one's figure.

How do I explain to someone the years of emotional damage that gave me the motivation to do this? I want to shake them and say it's now or never, it's your body, and it's your choice. You either do it today or you don't. Every day you don't is one less day to try. If you don't do it, stop feeling guilty about it and live it up. If you do, be prepared for a long, ongoing journey that will affect every aspect of your life.

In my case, I can clearly and without question say that the happy life I am leading right now is a direct result of me taking such good care of myself. I have more energy for the people around me. Oh and did I ever mention that the "ex-personal trainer" I've been referring to since day 1 in this blog now happens to be my boyfriend, and the man of my dreams?

I know this kind of perfect lifestyle pairing can't happen to everyone, but it goes to show that no matter how much I thought I didn't deserve "great", when I treated myself as great, everything wonderful fell in my lap. I am rejoicing in it while it lasts...I controlled something, and then everything else fell into place.

Try it. Try just controlling you from the bottom up. First with the way you treat your body and the words you say to yourself, then expand that outwardly and good things will happen.

wow. this post was weird. but I totally get what I mean. I just hope y'all do too heh!

Pound down!

137.2 this morning and thrilled. Eating homemade food makes a big difference, and I feel like I'm even eating more.

Yesterday I pigged out on a bunch of Kit Kat bars someone brought back from Japan, in all kinds of interesting flavours. I didn't have a heavy dinner, but after my soccer game (I played the entire game, no subs) I also downed half a carton of 1% chocolate milk... the only time I enjoy milk.

The weather is amazing today, and I think I'll go for a long run tonight before heading over to meet my parents at my aunt's house. They're in town to help out with some family stuff. Did I mention I went for a run last uhhhh Friday or Saturday, and it had been a long time, but I EASILY ran for about an hour, and felt like I could have kept running for 20 more minutes easily if I hadn't had things to do? I did. It felt amazing. Goes to show that's it's good to take a break sometimes.

Alright, I am off to treat myself to a big cafe mocha at my local cafe and then go to work. I made myself a nice "salad" of tuna, garden cherry tomatoes and cucumbers, sundried tomatoes, a pinch of sea salt and pepper, lemon, oil from the sundried tomatoes, and a teaspoon of mayo and mustard. I am bringing crackers and an apple to accompany that. Breakfast was a banana/PB/almond milk/Greek yog and spinach smoothie, with Kashi High Fibre cereal in it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Who ever said healthy eating couldn't be fun!

Okay, good day all!

everything looks better in the light of day

Well I am feeling better this morning. Yesterday, as the day went on I was feeling increasingly tired (having been woken up all weekend by neighbourhood antics at 3-4am). I napped, then volleyball was cancelled so I vegged out and went to bed early. Now I am feeling less anxious and down.

We had hailstorms yesterday, and this morning it is raining again, so I hope it ends before tonight's soccer game. I was doing so well exercise-wise. Mind you, I could have gone for a run in between storms yesterday (and thought about it briefly), but I gave myself a break. I can't do the same tonight, not in the mindframe I'm in lately, or it's a slippery slope.

This morning I am enjoying a smoothie that includes the following: no fat Greek yog (organic/probiotic since there was no regular left), a banana, pomegranate juice, a dash of boathouse mixed berry juice, spinach and a scoop of Vega Whole Food Optimmizer berry flavour. A half scoop equates to a snack replacement, since two scoops is a full meal.

I also made a beautiful ham sandwich for lunch. I say beautiful because instead of the standard ham, aged cheddar, semi-dry bread and mayo and traditional Dijon, I added spinach, a tomato out of my bf's parents' garden and salt and pepper.

Lately I've been eating way more dairy in the form of cheese, chocolate milk (post sports), some milk and yogurt. I've been breaking out, so now I am trying to cut it back to just yogurt and cheese and no milk unless it's a small amount and not daily. I've had issues with milk in the past, but I am self-diagnosing, so I'm in a process of trial and error. My main reason for the increase was to boost my calcium because apparently that helps with PMS symptoms.

Okay, I have to leave for work now, sorry for cutting this short. In sum, I think I'll have to take Calcium supplements instead.

hmmft!

So many things, oh so many things to say, and no desire to spend the time saying them.

Here is a summary, just so I don't fall completely off the face of the planet:

1. Weight: Successfully got back to 137 and will work hard to surpass that this week. Have been making positively sure to get in some exercise every day, mildly, and more intense actual workouts 6 days a week. I'm walking at lunch and doing all the other stuff I do basically.

2. Food: Progressively eating more homemade meals.
3. Mood: Coping with some fairly difficult feelings right now and always trying to find a reason and a solution. For now I am journaling my physical and emotional changes throughout the month, and trying to keep communication lines open and honest with those around me. I don't know what's going on in my mind, but it sucks being in it these days.

4. Lots of revelations this week, and more nights being awakened by crime on my street at precisely 3 am. I won't even explain what I saw last week, but it was mildly traumatic to see, and since then I have been on edge around sleepy time. I am actually starting to consider moving again...ugggh. I would want to stay in the same hood, but definitely further away from the bars.

I feel like all kinds of things are happening around me as I stand still. It's mostly good, some bad, and some just plain odd. Meanwhile I am here in the eye of a storm that isn't touching me, trying to figure out why I feel so sad when everything is perfect.

oh well. I guess that is my lot in life. they've always said you can't have it all.