Should I be writing?

Dear fairly-public diary,

I am in week 3 of my challenge. My weigh-in is tomorrow. I would have to be 2 lbs lighter than today to get my bonus points for losing 1% of my body weight (I use my weight on Saturday mornings, then have all Saturday off and it usually takes a week to get back down below the weigh-in reading from the week prior). If I do not get the bonus points, my team will lose, and all because of me. But I suppose it's not all bad; this challenge has allowed me to lose 7 lbs so far and take on some healthy habits and eliminate a couple of bad ones.

I am not sure I should be writing today. Since I stopped blogging daily, I seem to end up blogging only when I have time to myself to sit down and reflect. The problem is that this year has been a painstaking exercise in learning NOT to think about things. So whenever I find myself alone, not out running around, I end up sad. And a few people on Facebook seem to think I am reaching out for help based on my statuses... While I can truly say that things inside my head and heart are not good, I have days that are great too. Those who see me regularly know that I can be very exaggerated/intense/passionate/overdramatic (you choose your personal perspective), but that is because I feel things very intensely. I am never just sort of happy or sort of sad, I am all out all the time. I am intense.

So I think I should force myself to write more when I am a little upbeat as well. I just don't want to paint a really sorry picture when truly, I am so grateful for so much that I have in my life, including the most generous, supportive and loving family and friends.

In any case, today I am sad. It is absolutely ridiculous too. I usually love my alone time, relish in it, because with so many great people to see, I rarely get time for myself. Lately though, when I am unable to find someone to hang out with, I get miserably sad. I spend almost every day out with the same one or two people just relaxing, just so I don't spend too much time wallowing at home. Keeping myself busy has been my escape from depression while I am unable to escape my precarious living arrangement. But the millisecond I know I CAN'T have 24/7 access to whichever friend I fancy at the time, I become like a child.

I am trying to keep things in perspective, but what is wrong with me, seriously!!! My former therapist once casually mentioned that I may experience some form of separation anxiety and suddenly, all these seemingly unrelated issues appeared to make sense. I don't like to self-diagnose, but separation anxiety would cover the bulk of my issues in friendships, with family and in relationships. But what to do?

For now, I just remind myself that 99% of my thoughts are irrational, and then explain to myself why they are irrational and eventually the emotion dissipates. I think this blog has helped me scratch away at this funny feeling inside. So I am going to go eat a small cookie (I am allowed 100 calories of anything I want per day :) and hope that my mind is a little clearer with some sugary badness in my system.

Thanks for listening, whoever's out there.

Split personality affliction

I wish I could come up with an abbreviation of some variation of split personality disorder that would spell out SPAZZ. That is me.

I am torn between two lifestyles, two mes.

On one hand I have never been healthier in my life and have never stood up for myself so strongly to protect my health and sanity and well-being. No longer will I be a pushover. If I do something kind for someone, it will be willingly. If I feel guilty, it will be because I have done something wrong and not because I am so concerned with how other people feel over my own feelings. Forever after will I trust my instincts.

On the other hand, I am stuck in every sense of the word, and all because of something I typically see as trivial: money. My circumstances are such that I have been living in the condo I bought with my former boyfriend a few years back, and we broke up last August. Though he did move out for a good six months, I have been living with him for 6 of the other months of the year. For numerous complicated reasons I cannot leave until things in his own life are sorted out. Everything I do depends on him at this point, and I am going broke in the process. It is killing me. And now it has carried over into my work (along with the work environment just generally sucking). I cannot make any moves. None. Unless of course I want to further indebt myself, which I do not.

So I have many good days, interspersed with terrible ones. Today has been both. The last few days have been sprinkled with meltdowns, followed by moments of peace. All I really want right now is to shut myself away in a cottage somewhere alone for a month. I don't want people, I don't want work, I don't want exes, nothing. Not even the amazing people around me. I want to be ALONE. Unfortunately, this is impossible for now.

Meanwhile, I spend a lot of time with my great friends. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy myself with them, but I really need some escape, anything really.

But just when I was feeling like drastic measures are inching their way closer in my mind, I received a package in the mail from my good friend, with unfailingly impeccable timing. It brought tears to my eyes. She sent me two CDs (from Sweden) with some pleasant music just because she thought I would like it and thinks of me. I can truly and honestly say that knowing her, as well as a handful of other friends and family members who have shown me nothing but love and support, has saved my life. I hope one day, when I have the energy again, I will be able to show them how much they mean to me. But to this friend in particular I am most grateful, because she has always managed to make some small gesture just at the most critical moment, and that small gesture becomes monumental...

...in less depressing news, the diet challenge is going well. I am ready to just be done with dieting and all that right now, but I know this is paying off and this is the only thing within my control, so it is a healthy alternative to drinking, drugs or whatever other less healthy form of escapism I could find...

Great!

Yes, I am now consistently feeling great. I have reached a weight "area" where if I gain a pound or two I don't get depressed and scared that I will never lose the weight. Yesterday, I made my weight for the challenge, I was 155.2!!!! Holy crap! I haven't weighed this little since high school.

After a great day off the diet, I am back up to 157.4 and I'm not worried. I have seen that this diet is really effective and as long as you don't cheat it will pay off. Only two weeks left of it, so I hope to be another 5 lbs or so closer to my goal! I didn't overdo it on my day off, but I did treat myself. I had toast with PB and margarine and a kiwi and pomegranate juice for breakfast. After volunteering in the kitchen at Santropol all morning, and snacking on very healthy little cookies and a piece of apple cake, I went for a tuna wrap (I intended to have fries and decided not to, and only took water), then I had two scoops of Ben and Jerry's ice creammmmmmmmmm. I got home to go workout, but snuck in 3 bites of a pecan pie. Afterward, I went to my friend's place, who was making us real Lebanese food. It is suuuper healthy food and I didn't eat too much of it, just one plate with mostly veggies, hummus, stuffed vine leaves, kefta, etc. mmmmm.

So I am going for brunch this morning for my weekly "meal off", then it's back to the diet. I did a killer workout yesterday, and today will be a longer, slightly mellower workout most likely. I'll also need to stock up on Greek Yogurt and veggies for the week. This week I am much more enthusiastic about the diet than in the second week. Maybe it's because it's halfway done, maybe I've gotten used to it, or maybe it's the amazing results. I truly have always thought I would never ever have a nice body or be in shape, and it is happening right before my eyes! In a very healthy way!

Alright, I am off to enjoy some brunchety goodness before I get back on the diet train.

Have a fantastic week!

Come on get happyyyyy!

Hey!

So I weighed in today at 157.2 again. No change there. But I wont complain. Aside from needing to lose 0.5 lbs by tomorrow morning to get my bonus points, I am trying not to worry so much what the scale says anymore. I have a little ways to go to reach my goal, and it will likely be difficult and slow because it's coming up on the last 15 lbs, so I don't want to become obsessed then get disappointed.

I have been measuring myself, which is a good idea for anyone trying to lose weight. It's the best way I have found to NOT focus on weight, which can at times be a poor indicator of progress. For example, there were weeks where I didn't lose weight but my waist shrunk by an inch. I was clearly gaining muscle, which would later help me lose more fat, so there was no need to fret. Also, after eating a salt-heavy meal I took on a whole 8 lbs in one meal, so measurements kept me from losing my mind.

I am most impressed with myself for not giving into my urge for Diet Coke even when I am allowed on my days off. I haven't drank any alcohol in two weeks as well. I am looking forward to a nice drink on a patio in a couple weeks, but doing this will help me lose the weight for now. And the Diet Coke is an ongoing struggle...

Anyway, got to work now!!

unbearably excited

after a moment's reflection, I think it may be the double espresso with maple syrup I just had... but anyway, I will write this post as if this excitement is completely natural.

I am so excitttteeeeedddd for zumba tonight! If you don't know what zumba is (not that anyone is reading my blog anymore), check out the link for Bamboofit (the place I go for classes, and they have some cheesy video demonstrating a zumba class). It's basically a really fun, goofy (only because no one can do the moves properly) aerobics class that is broken up into short 'routines' by song. This makes the time pass quickly and hilariously.

I don't know why I am suddenly so excited for it (pretend I never told you about the espresso).

I am also excited I weighed in at 157.2 today, that's one more pound down. I still have two more weigh ins before my day off, so hopefully I can knock off one more pound to make my weight bonus for the week (I would technically need to lose 1.6 lbs for 1% of my body weight to earn my 20% points bonus).

Volleyball was fantastic yesterday, and eating is on track. I am absolutely stuffed from my lunches: remember, I have to eat roughly every two hours, but I have to have double veggies for 2 of my 5 meals, and I decided to make my lunch one big pile of veggies (yellow/green zucchini and red/orange peppers) with feta and rice. The feta's making me more thirsty than usual, and the veggies and rice are sooooo filling. I plan on having a burger (just the patty) with extra lean beef and maybe a little avocado and some tomatoes as carbs (in this game tomatoes and fruit are counted as carbs).

All of my fellow players have noticed that our skin is now looking amazing, which we unanymously agree is mostly due to drinking so much water. I think it has to do with the amount of veggies and watery foods we need to eat and lack of excessive fatty meats, etc. Either way, my pores have always been massive and now my skin looks wayyyy smoother and clearer, so I am impressed. I already drank a lot of water to begin with, but now I am drinking roughly a third more water throughout the day to achieve 3L. Today, because of the feta, I'll likely reach 4L...

In any case, as unenthused as I am about preparing food in advance, this game is extremely effective and is designed to counter the feelings of deprivation associated with most diets. Seriously, I am a pretty big fan, despite hating 99% of 'diets'.

Hump and Bump day

The week's halfway done everyone, and it's time for volleyball! I am so glad I signed up for this league, because now I look forward to every Wednesday! We are starting the summer season now, and I have the same team plus two new players. I think I will assertively tell the crazy beatch I play with that she will no longer be able to only play in the back, because some of us would like to as well.

Today is my day off swearing, yay! I will still try not to, even at vball, because it's hard to get back into it once I've let myself go. I find myself cursing a lot in my head, so I hope that habit will eventually break also.

I was at 158.6 this morning. I really hope I can get down by 1.5 lbs from 158.2 by Saturday morning! Otherwise I won't get any bonus points. I am sticking to the diet to the letter. I even wrote this poem to my competitors to taunt them last night before bed (we're encouraged to trash talk, but I can't curse so I have to be creative):

Fair competitors, friends and ladies
Damsels not born in the eighties
I fear your strength is waning
Since all we hear's complaining

Ne'er ye fret alas
This slump will come to pass
With pharmaceuticals a'plenty
And daily workouts o'twenty

Twould not be fair to tease
As you recover from disease
Instead we patiently wait
For your illness to abate

And even before you've had a chance
To do a little happy dance
The rug will be pulled from beneath your feet
And your defeat, our victory, will be sweet

- Your Amazingness

I can't wait to see how they'll react to it this morning.

Yesterday I took a walk at lunch and did a 40-45 minute workout after work. I did high-intensity interval training (HIIT: alternating from super fast to regular speed in intervals) This time I did 30s fast / 30s regular on the bike for 31 minutes... I was soaked through and through with sweat. yay! This means it's pushing me harder than my regular old workout. It's great to learn new stuff so that I can start seeing progress once again, because I fear I might stay at this weight forever.

Alright, have a great day! Hope it goes by quickly so I can just get to beach volleyball!

Progress

Well Saturday didn't turn out to be such a bust, quite the contrary actually. I rode my bike to a friend's place, then we rode to buy a volleyball and went to play beach volleyball in the scorching heat. Just as it began to cool down, a really fun group of people offered to play with us and we had a grand ol' time.

Along with the cool breeze came signs of a looming storm. Since it was my day off I had decided I NEEDED Dairy Queen though. We rode to DQ, just a few blocks away, and I enjoyed it deeply, while getting wet in the beginnings of the storm. Just as we went to ride back to her place, the worst of it barreled down on us. Luckily, we were wearing bathingsuits and sport clothes, so we were having a good time.

As part of my day off, I had eaten a regular, healthful breakfast. I didn't eat lunch aside from ice cream, but we went to buy groceries (including nice cheese from the famous Hamel) and I made homemade burgers. I just ate one, with smoked gouda and all the fixins! I also ate a few baked chips, about half of a baguette with olive oil and vinegar, and drank some pomegranate juice.

Naturally, my weight went up over the weekend. It had gone from 162 to 158.2 last week, and yesterday and today I am at 159 lbs. I am not sure why it's gone up a half pound since yesterday, because I ate all my meals according to the diet and got an amazing workout in, but it's still 2 lbs or so of weight lost, which is healthy. I just hope I can continue to lose 2 lbs per week for the next three weeks. It's making a nice difference.

Sunday I mostly spent shopping at the sidewalk sales on Ste-Catherine, stopping to eat my prepared meal, going for coffee and shisha, stopping to eat my prepared meal, going to my friend's house and stopping... No actually I realized I also get 1 'meal off' per week that I hadn't used and would lose if I didn't use it that day, so we went out for some fancy pizza. I had my favourite: arugula, tomatoes, goat cheese, balsamic glaze, oregano/garlic. Mmm mmm good!

Anyway, today I am in pain from my workout yesterday after work. I will workout after work as well tonight. For now, I have to go to work, bllleeeehhhhhhhh!

Day off... slow start

Hiya!

I just had the worst 9 hours of sleep I've had in ages. I couldn't fall asleep for hours, then I'd wake up every half hour, then muscle pains and numbness... In any case, it is now Saturday and my DAY OFF BEGINS!

I weighed in for the week and I am 3.8 lbs lighter! I am extremely happy about this. I wouldn't want to lose too much each week because then it means it's usually not sustainable, and I also don't exactly want to end up skinny and yucky looking. I would be happy with a steady 2 lbs per week, and I'd be halfway to my goal. But 4 lbs is pretty awesome, and now I may gain one back with my day off. I intend to eat some fatty meat like a burger, possibly homemade because those are usually the best. I also want some ice cream and for lunch maybe a sandwich on fresh baguette or white fresh baked loaf of some other kind.

I do need to workout today, and I was counting on volunteering, but they never returned my email. I think I will call them to see if they need help, or simply just walk up there anyway (an hour each way) and if they don't need help, make a stop at Dairy Queen and pick up some bread.

I have no one to hang out with today so I will have to figure out what I am doing. I feel like I need to carefully structure this day to get all the foods I am missing in without shoving everything in my face at once hahah! For now, my tummy is grumbling so I will go have a healthy breakfast of cereal with milk and some fruit. May sound boring but I am keeping it light in preparation for the rest of the day.

Have a good one!

Day 5 almost done!!

Okay, so this whole food preparation thing aside, this diet is not really that much of a hardcore diet, and all the things involved are pretty easy.

Even the food preparation is easy if you're a decent planner. Personally, my brain is allergic to instructions of any kind, and tends to get them all backwards. So it took a bit of effort for me to figure out how to eat, but it's paid off. I have lost 3 lbs so far. Tomorrow is my day off, so I can eat whatever I want, which means I won't be losing anything. And today was my day off working out. I also get 1 other meal off, which I think I will keep for my Sunday brunches with friends.

I am very pleased because I am not doing anything so drastic that I would gain all the weight back when I stop. Eating five meals a day is a little bit of a challenge because we have to include all their food groups, but in general I could manage continuing to eat like this portion wise, it just might not be distributed quite the same way. For example, they want you to have protein at every course. This can be anything from a little bit of Greek yogurt to lean meat or low-fat cheese, but I would rather eat more protein at dinner and lunch than during snacks and breakfast.

But seriously though, this whole game is a great way to lose weight, and this is coming from the person who HATES diets and fundamentally disagrees with them. Insofar as a diet is considered deprivation of some kind. However, mild deprivation (of the junk food kind) is essential for true eaters like myself who tend to continuously gain weight.

In any case, I am about 15 lbs away from my goal weight, which is so close, but the hardest part. So I am so thankful for discovering this game so that I break through to the other side.

http://bookingmama.blogspot.com/2009/07/review-game-on-diet.html

small yay!

Okay, big yay and a happy dance: my team won the finals for Tier B. So we are the best losers, the best of the second best!!! I am mainly impressed because I don't know the people on my team, we all signed up as individuals, but we worked well together in the end. Aside from the crazy girl, I am looking forward to possibly continuing with this team for the summer.

In other news, I didn't swear too much, but I did swear, so thank god I won't lose points for that. We played hardcore, and even played 2x2 for fun after our two rounds of 3 sets... I am in paaaain, but it's the kind of pain that feels sooo good in a hot then freezing cold shower.

Angry I can only eat cucumbers as a snack according to this Game On! business. NO, it is not a starvation diet. Quite the opposite, I was so full all day. But you are not allowed to snack on anything but cucumbers/celery (ick) or 100 calories of anything you want, which in my case is a piece or two of dark chocolate every afternoon around 3 p.m.

K time to watch some toob...

Day 3: Success

Well, aside from a minor slip up (I accidentally took a container filled with strawberries to work instead of my lunch), I did not lose any points today (so far, obviously). To save myself from losing my team a million points, I chose today as my day off from my 'bad habit elimination', so I don't have to worry if I instinctively curse throughout volleyball finals tonight. I will still make every effort not to swear, but this way I wont lose points for it.

I got a friend to bring me my lunch, so all is well in meal land. I am extremely ANTI-DIET, but I decided to partake in this one for several reasons. Mostly, it's a competition, and I like to win. Also, it doesn't focus on how much you weigh, nor will you lose the game if you don't lose any weight, that just counts for bonus points. They are trying to instill in people healthy habits and break bad habits, but in all aspects of your life. For me, I have managed to make sure I get enough sleep, exercise more than enough, take better care of my overall health... except I never quite managed to really explore my relationship with food in any healthy way. Though I am having an odd (not difficult, just strange) time planning my meals, I am never hungry and am eating a healthy variety of foods. Eventually I would like to be able to always look at food as a friend, an energy source, and a pleasure.

Speaking of pleasure, it would appear as though the spell has been broken. I am now down to 160 lbs. The other girls have lost between 4-6lbs already, but that is largely water weight (I don't have much water weight because I already drink a ton of water). So I am quite pleased about seeing the scale move in the right direction, and am looking forward to the 150s. That is a place I haven't seen since high school.

I have to head home to eat a quick meal (I am actually really full from my meals today, so this will be tough) before volleyball. Wish me luck!

so far, so good.

Okay, Day 1 done. I lost 6 points for forgetting to include carbs in one of my five meals, argh! However, I lost no other points and am pretty impressed with myself for that!

I just prepared my meals for tomorrow: same breakfast as today (and I think I'll make this my "thing" for simplicity's sake), for two of my snacks I have low-fat cheese (protein), a fruit (carb: 1 banana and 1 apple), some walnuts (fat) and my vegetable will likely be salad since it's already made :). My other meal consists of spinach, almonds, chopped up sandwich ham and pineapple, which covers all the meal groups. I opted for fruits as carbs because there's only so much rice and quinoa I can handle, and I like to save the bread as a treat. I am not sure what I will do for dinner, but perhaps shrimp.

Dinner tonight looked terrible but tasted pretty good: grilled red peppers and tomatoes with sea salt and cracked pepper, 2 scrambled egg whites, a piece of bread with almond butter and a few more glasses of watahhhhh! And my meal requirements are done for the day!

The only forseeable problem for me are my wednesday nights, when I don't have a whole lotta time to prepare things, but I should still have some salad left to use, and perhaps I will go for tuna sandwiches or some other simple thing. I should hardboil some eggs for the end of the week.

In any case, I am pretty shocked I lost points, but equally shocked I didn't lose more. We'll see how I fare the rest of the week....ugh!

and so it begins...

I woke up late for my first day of the challenge, but it was a blessing in disguise. If I had gotten up on time, I would have done my same old-same old workout. Instead, with only half as much time available, I decided to try the high-intensity interval training (HIIT) workout recommended by the Game On! people. And boy, is it effective!

In this challenge, you only have to workout for 20 minutes (vigorously) per day, six days a week or more. I normally do 1 hour x 5 days a week plus volleyball (2-3 hours), walking for volunteering (2-4 hours) and occasionally zumba (1.5-2.5 hours if I walk to and from). I also walk to work and back... so it's hard for me to do any more than I already do. So finding shorter, more effective workouts is a blessing, since I can't afford a personal trainer right now.

I weighed in at 164, but it's that time o' ze month, and I ate Angus beef hot dogs and chips as my "last supper" haha! Yesterday and all week I was 162, so I am using that as my official start weight. This means I will need to lose 1.6 lbs per week to get my bonus points. Otherwise, everything else is falling into place. With a lot of preparation, I have my breakfast done (Greek yogurt, no fat, almonds, blueberries, a couple strawberries and some kiwi). For two of my meals, I am splitting one piece of peppered trout, quinoa and asparagus, and for my other meal, I premade a salad and dressing for the week, and just threw in pine nuts and ham for protein and fat (there is veeeeery little oil in my dressing). I don't know about dinner yet...

I have downed almost 2.5 glasses of water (not including sips at the gym), so about 8 more to go for the day which isn't too bad. It will help this bloating go down. I prayed last night and I have been really good about not cursing, so all is well so far.

Alright, wish me luck getting all that water and all my meals in... have a great day!

Strugglin'!

Well the nightmare will begin at midnight, but it's a healthy kind of nightmare. I am starting the Game On! Diet Challenge tomorrow morning, for the next four weeks.

I have done what I can to prepare. I have made a weekly batch of brown rice and a batch of quinoa (the part of cooking I hate most -- preparing things that take more than 5-15 minutes). I also cut up two cucumbers (the only snacks allowed between our 5 meals) and some fruit (pineapple, strawberries, etc.). All my fruit/veg are washed.

Now I have to figure out 5 meals for tomorrow, plus cook my "last supper". Since I am still generally being pretty good about my eating, I wasn't going to eat too badly since it's counter productive, but heck, I reaaaaallly wanted chips, which is something I never ever eat anymore, for the past 6-7 months. So I am having Angus beef hot dogs, Diet Coke, ketchup chips and some lemonade - all things I am not allowed for 4 weeks. In any case, once the four weeks are up I don't want to eat like this, so I am just doing this as a "goodbye" to my remaining bad habits.

I haven't been swearing much, maybe 1-2 per day. I keep forgetting to pray at night, but I do it whenever I think of it. I will put a note to remind myself next to my bed or something tonight.

Alright, I am off to finish watching the World Cup finals and preparing food for this week... by the way, it is impossible to find bread, ham, wraps, cereal, sauces, or virtually anything that does NOT have sugar or some sugar fakeness in it. So thank god I found a few things without, otherwise, thank god this is only for 4 weeks!!

Quick note

I think the universe is keeping me from working out.

After my amaaazing meal last night, I came home and did a 20-minute walk on the treadmill, thinking that I didn't want to go too hard because I'd workout in the morning. Well, mysteriously, my second alarm never went off even though it was set for the right time and day... Yesterday it was because when I got up to get ready for the gym, I realized I had forgotten to put my gym clothes in the dryer after washing all the sand out from vball.

I won't likely be able to workout today, and depending whether or not the severe thunderstorm forecast comes true, I may take a good walk at lunch and after work. I will also workout tomorrow, which is typically my day off...

Alright, off to get readaaaayyy!

Amazing high

I could potentially be in a state of mania right now, or simply elation, but either way, don't care because I am in a fantastic mood.

1. Even though I dread ever showing my (freakishly shaped, according to me) legs, and never ever wear anything above the knee (which means I am always wearing jeans, even in this 40 degree weather), I bought oh-so-fashionable leggings!!! I have decided that f$%^$ it, I am letting them loose (though my legs are still covered, the pants are form fitting). This is a huge step forward for me, or perhaps a step backward in some people's eyes haha!

2. I went shopping at lunch, and to my surprise, I enjoyed myself so much! I hate shopping. I hate trying things on. But this time, I grabbed plenty of stuff, tried it all on, and left with two long light tops to go with my leggings. I actually didn't disgust myself under the painful lighting, and I even fit into size 28 jeans!!! That is incredible for me! I still have about 20 lbs or so to lose before I think I will be a weight that gives me enough leeway and health, but a size 28 just makes me so excited.

3. I am going to L'Entrecote for steak tonight, which I KNOW will be great, and in amazing company too.

Thanks ICE QUEEN for the comment by the way, I love this background too! I read your blog every day and think you're doing an amazing job. Trust me, all this hard work you're doing will pay off because it will only get easier as you get lighter and moving around is less tiring. It motivates me so much to know that it's normal to really struggle, and that you truly have to stay focused. I also see in you how hard we all are on ourselves, and hope you and I will both slowly learn (or are already learning) to give ourselves the credit we deserve. You're probably a great mom and wife, now you just have to treat yourself as though you deserve only the best so you can keep leading a happy, healthy and stress-free life, with many many days of BBQing.

Have a great evening everyone! (on second thought, this good mood could be a PMS upswing! hahaha)

Updateooooo

So, I think I mentioned that I am starting the Game On! diet on Monday... well I am almost halfway through the book. While it's only four weeks long, I am already dreading certain food restrictions (keep in mind the game is not meant as a crash diet, but there are several small restrictions that I would NEVER agree to were it not only four weeks long). Such restrictions include: no sugar...ahhhh! I don't even have that much of a sweet tooth, but this restriction alone even eliminates the boring old All Bran I eat for breakfast! I can use a bit of maple syrup or honey though, which is amazing because that's pretty much all I use anyway, so I can still make my amazing salad dressing with just a little less, and a little less oil too. I'm all about the vinegar anyway.

I just finished off 3 hours of beach volleyball in 40 degree weather. Most were complaining but I loved it personally. I breathe better in humid weather (in sports specifically).

I may be a pound or so less tomorrow morning, which is great news, but since a good friend is coming to town who loves steak, and I have been craving L'Entrecote steak frites for sooooo long now, I will probably gain it all back in wine, profiteroles and peppercorn sauce...not to mention those wee fries and yummmssy steakety goodness. I know I wont have anything like that for the next 4 weeks, so since I was truly craving it, I had to get it in before Monday.

I have only been cursing at my ex and at volleyball. I have managed to keep all the rest in check. I did forget to pray after the first day however, but I will do it tonight.

Alright, I am off to actually relax for once. Yayyyyyyy!

Game On! early

So as I mentioned yesterday, I will be doing this Game On! challenge starting next Monday. As part of this competition, you must give up one unhealthy habit and take on one positive habit for the entire game period.

For my positive habit, I have decided to reinstate something I did almost my entire life but had stopped following a severe bout with depression, and never really took back up: prayer. Now hear me out, I do not abide by any religion, but I feel and have always felt that prayer is a healthy practice. It's a bit like meditating combined with journalling for me. I typically express what I am thankful for, think about the things I am doing wrong, and say what I would like to happen in my life. I find this grounds me, and I have been in desperate need of grounding for the past few years.

For my bad habit, I had a really hard time coming up with something. I thought about giving up Diet Coke (though that's part of the diet anyway), or shisha, but my friend has decided to give up swearing, and it struck me that that is a perfect flaw for me to work on. My potty mouth has simply gotten out of hand, and frankly that's unattractive and a sign of laziness. I am a translator, I write for a living and have an extensive vocabulary, so there's no excuse for me to resort to bad words every five seconds to more dramatically state my point.

Even though the challenge starts next week, I began working on these yesterday. I want to WIN, and I really want these behaviours to become habitual, so it's never too soon to start.

Much to my surprise, this morning I woke up on time and made it to the gym despite going to bed late. I went pretty easy on myself even though I "slacked" last week, because I only slacked in terms of gym time; I actually did a lot of other activities. I think I hadn't eaten red meat in a veeeerrry long time, and yesterday I ate a homemade burger patty (Dijon, ketchup, seasoned bread crumbs, yellow curry, salt and pepper). So the reason I have been sooooo exhausted lately may be partly a result of that, and this night I slept so well and am pretty energetic today.

I am off to work now, grumble. I will talk to you all later!

Still at a standstill

Wow, two weeks or a week or something have gone by (and in reality two months) and I have still not lost a pound. I have not gained a pound though, so that's good. I am maintaining most of my good habits. The main thing is that when one thing goes off balance, my whole routine is off.

I need to regain control of my eating. I hardly cook right now, and it is partly because I've been mildly down and not feeling like cleaning, so my kitchen isn't appealing. If I have to clean to cook, only to have to clean again, I am not interested. If I don't eat at home I eat with others, late, so the scale is off. Then, when I am out late all week, I don't get to bed by 10:30, which makes it virtually impossible to get up at 5:55 am to hit the gym.

The good thing is I get a ton of exercise anyway with volleyball, volunteering (I walked for 4 hours yesterday), walking to-from work and during lunches, zumba classes and all the other walking I do to get downtown to meet up with friends.

Life is chaotic. I haven't gone into details because I don't necessarily want everyone who was reading this blog to know exactly how I have been feeling over the past year. But let's just say I have been slowly emerging from a period of fairly severe depression, and for various reasons I have had to avoid thinking about much that's happening around me (because it would not change the fact that it's happening), and in this process of denial, the sadness is coming out in all kinds of bizarre ways. The depression is subsiding, and thanks to working out and eating well and taking things a little more slowly, I am feeling better about most things. I have also managed not to get so upset about not losing anymore weight that I start regaining. That is a huge victory for me.

Here is the great news: I am going to do the Game On! challenge with 3 other women. If you haven't heard of it, check out the book The Game On! Diet. It's a challenge to get in shape that is based on points instead of pounds lost, and it structures everything from how many meals you eat a day, to how much exercise to bad habits. It sounds more complicated than it is (for me at least since I am already doing most of the things involved), and it is NOT a specific diet! It's 4 weeks and you are strongly encouraged to badmouth your opponents (in a friendly competition way), which makes it all the more worthwhile. I am hoping this will give me the boost in motivation I have been needing for a month now.

Alright, I am off to meet a friend for brunch. My challenge starts Monday, July 12th, but I am going to try to start implementing all the strategies this week to get prepared.

Have a great week everyone.