I survived.

I wish I could say the things that happened over Christmas, but these are not things I can put on the Internet for the world to see. All I can say is that some pretty major family stuff happened, but it was more positive than anything else. My brother and I managed to get along for the first time ever, and I think my family has gotten closer as a result of this information that came to light... I'll just say this: burying secrets is a burden, and people should be able to share that burden with their families...

I managed to weigh in at 143 this morning. I ate like a pig for Christmas and Christmas Eve, but all the other days I was careful aside from sneaking in a few too many shortbread cookies. I am back to careful eating now, and very happy to be home.

I bought myself clothes that fit, lots of them, on Boxing Day. I couldn't go shopping for pants because I was totally bloated from Christmas, but I got so many nice tops. For once I don\t have to wear hand-me-downs or scrappy old clothes! I have clothes that reflect my personal, very loud and funky style. eeee!!! I can't wait to lose the last bit of weight so I can buy sexy jeans too! God it feels good to feel good about yourself, truly. So for anyone out there who is still struggling, keep on trucking because this feeling is worth it!

I can't wait for New Year's Eve. It is probably my favourite, or my second favourite after Thanksgiving, time of year. I will be spending it with someone I really like, so it should be a great time...

Have a good week and wish me luck (I checked my work email and Im pretty sure I'm already booked with work for the next 3 days...ugh)

Christmas Day

Well, I definitely feel fatter today. I ate very light yesterday, in preparation for dinner, but I overdid it majorly. I don't mind since it's just one day, but today we are having another dinner. I was hoping to control myself a bit today (without drawing comments from my loving but sabotaging family such as "it's Christmas", "you don't want to lose tooooo much weight", etc...). I don't think the self control is in the cards. I've already snuck in a few too many cookie bites, though I did take a nice 40-minute walk first thing in the morning...

I think this is good for me though. Ending the year not weighing myself, indulging for just a few days, and taking a serious exercise break. November was rough physically in terms of eating, exercising and being unwell, so it's a good time to relax.

I am sleeping amazingly well. Things in my personal life are putting smiles on my face, and I am so looking forward to shopping tomorrow and this week for clothes, a few things for my family, and an outfit for the New Year's party I am likely going to. It's "Mad Men"-themed. I have always wanted to go to a fancy dress New Year's party, but this is almost better!

I just hope there are tickets left when I buy them this week...

Have a great day everyone, Merry Christmas and wish me luck having SOME self-restraint.

The holidays

Day 2 with la famiglia and all is well in the universe so far.

Not only did I sleep like a baby the first night I got here, but I got to wake up, read, relax... It is so quiet here...

I went for a freezing walk outside (having packed in such a rush, I didn't bring warm clothes because on first thought I figured I'd be at my parents' house the whole trip, not walking around Toronto). My hair was wet since my bro didn't have a hair dryer, and I was wearing leggings! Luckily, the friend I was meeting for sushi lunch reminded me where the underground paths are so I could do half the walk indoors.

I did the same on the way back, but this time decided to go use my gift card for the Bay and buy myself a nice bra that fits. Up until recently I still had 1-2 that would fly, but the time has come to figure out what size I am. While my chest has shrunk a lot, I am only down one size surprisingly, was a 36D and am now 34D/34-36C depending... Betsey Johnson bras always fit like a glove, so I bought a cute, sexy pink dotted one with matching underwear, and I CANNOT WAIT to wear them. A little know fact about me is that I have recently discovered a love for nice lingerie. It was because, when I was heavy, my ex had me discover specialty stores where I could find bras for small ribcages / big boobs. The only ones are very expensive French lingerie... Now I fit into less expensive brands, but I always opt for intricate and uberfeminine stuff.

I also bought my face cream from some bitchy Christmas employees.

I intend to go shopping on boxing day, and pick up clothes and things for my parents and brother...

I haven't weighed in here, but I'm fairly certain it's under control, cookies and all. Yesterday I had a big but veggie-ful lunch and dinner was also quite healthy. I've just been sneaking in a shortbread cookie or chocolate chip cookie here and there, not overdoing it :)

Alright, it is time for me to start packing up my stuff, since we're heading to my parents' place for the next two days. Merry Christmas everyone!

Quick update before heading off

I made it to 141!

Yesterday I made a quick trip to see a good friend who's father we just lost to pancreatic cancer. stupid cancer. f%$^%.

I just got home from work, and since I can't figure out how to unlock the door on my washing machine, I have to re-wash my bathroom floormat on quickwash before I go to the airport, just so I can get the damp thing outta there!!!

I am killing time. It took me all of 10 minutes to pack. I threw all my dirty clothes in a bag, with a hair straightener, a pair of non-winter boots, some makeup and jewels and sock/undergarments and a toothbrush and I'm good to go. My entire mission in life has been perfecting the airport process. So far it has paid off. Today, I am leaving especially early since many European flights have been cancelled and it snowed today... I pre-print boarding passes, bring NO liquids, check in online, have all necessary documents, and will probably buy a book at the airport since I can't find one I want to read at home.

I am purely exhausted, but life is going very well. I'm excited about certain things, drained for others, but these next few days will hopefully give me some time to re-energize for the new year. I have to work my ass off, literally, in January to get to my goal...

Okay, happy holidays (she hears echoes), to anyone out there. Lots of love!

Made it, despite myself

Well I still haven't bought groceries, but I did manage to eat a semi-homemade dinner yesterday, and I am down to my lowest yet: 142, teetering on 141.8...

I played my last game of court vollyeball yesterday. I am glad it's over. It was fun while it lasted, but too late, too far away, and very hard on the body.

Eating is on track for me aside from it all being takeout food. Yesterday my alarm didn't go off so I had to buy breakfast as well. I had very little appetite after hearing some horrible news about someone being murdered in my friend's in-laws' family... You really never expect things like that to get so close, and the situation is just so sad and could have been prevented. I tend to get stressed out over my friends' problems, so yesterday I just felt uninterested in food.

I am leaving for home for Christmas tomorrow, and I think I'm just uber stressed about it. I need to relax. But I am sure, when all's said and done, if it's going that badly I will go stay with my parents instead and be able to relax for sure. In the meantime, I'm off on a quick jaunt to visit a close friend who's just lost her father to cancer, but she is handling it remarkably well since they had time to say their adieus before he left...

Alright, I have to get ready, I hope you all have a wonderful day, and if I don't write again before I leave, HAPPY HOLIDAYS everyone!

Better days

Well, I nearly hit my breaking point yesterday, but all is almost completely well in the universe again. Alas, sometimes it is more productive to stop and take a breath rather than press on: life is a marathon after all.

Work was insane yesterday. Life has been insane all week. I have gone through every human emotion, thanks in large part to being PMSmoody. I wont explain all the details, but realizing now is the time to move on from my past life and into a new one, and being overwhelmed with work, social life, and two years of hell and no vacation...well all that has meant I have no more energy to focus on losing weight or getting in shape.

For the rest of the year, I think I'll focus on maintenance, and start a'fresh with the rest of the sheep on January 1. I think 45 lbs is nothing to scoff at, so I think it's healthy for me to give my brain and body some respite.

I got so much done yesterday, including the DESPERATELY NEEDED cleanup of my apartment. Washed the sheets, did the laundry, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, etc... so my mind feels a lot less cluttered. This morning I worked slowly on a freelance project, and took a little walk to the local market for a delicious panzarotti-like thing and a double espresso :) I worked some more and am now relaxing before getting ready for a date. eee!

Alright, time to go get showered. While it takes me about 15 minutes to get ready, I like to take my sweet time when I have a chance, which is rare. Wish me luck :)

losing steam

Another morning snuggled in bed. Not enough sleep, too many things to do and too much on my mind.

Don't want to get up.

I am definitely out of steam to push myself for the next few days. I have a bunch of things to pay for, side jobs to get done, people to see before I leave for holidays, etc. I want to just slow down. I am not sure my holidays will be restful, but I know I'll get a lot of sleep.

I think I'm still 143, yesterday I was 142.8 and I anticipate a similar result this AM. I am still eating all my meals out, but have been making really good choices. I have a small complaint about the Jugo Juice franchise though. I didn't want to eat just a smoothie for lunch, so I bought one of their wraps. I never buy their wraps for one good reason, and once again this was the case: they have nothing in them. Mine was the louisiana chicken wrap, and it just had chicken strips, sauce and cheese. No greens. Luckily it's not big, but they charge a hefty amount for a rather unimpressive preparation.

In any case, basically I am stressed out. It's a lot of social activity, which is nice, but it's meaning that the time I have to do chores (which are NEEEEEDED at this point) and do my side project are getting slim. Anyway, life is short and I'll sleep when I'm dead.

cozy

I'm using blogging as an excuse not to get out of bed. I just woke up, and I am tired. I've gone to bed later than usual all week and now I just want to stay all cuddled in bed forever. it's effing cooooold outside.

Haven't weighed myself, but I'm sure it's still about 143ish. God I am sick of eating out, but yeah, I wont have time to do groceries until tomorrow night or Saturday.

I played a good 1.5 hours of vball yesterday, but I really pushed myself. I was doing all kinds of crazy awesome dives and not letting anything get past me. It really becomes an adrenaline rush that I am in love with.

I dont want to get into the details, but I think the universe is telling me something. So many unexpected and strange things have been happening this week (all good things).I haven't figured that out yet, and in fact I'm not even sure I believe in that anyway, but it seems plausible given the sheer number of strange happenstances around me now.

Alright, I think this post helped me wake up enough to get out of bed, yay. Thanks!!

brief update

3 hours of volleyball...check!
thighs and ass still aching...check!
homemade breakfast...check!

Big smile...check.

I'm a little stressed out realizing every day between now and going to my parents' place for Christmas is booked. I need time to write Christmas cards and it's not likely going to happen. The fortunate thing is that I'm actually spending time with a lot of people I care about in all this, so that makes up for it.

Good mood today, despite, and perhaps because of the snow "storm" we had last night. Tons and tons of white fluffy snow everywhere.

Alright, not much else to say, so I'm off to work.

bumper cars v. rollercoasters

Hi there!

I hope you all had a nice weekend. I had a lovely one.

I just found out I have a reader I thought had dropped off, so now I realize I'm not just writing to myself and one person I don't really know... That makes me nervous hahha!

Recently, with everything happening in my life, my good friend laughed in response to one of my emails, because she thinks I'm on a "fascinating rollercoaster of emotions". Well let's just say this weekend took it up a notch to emotional bumper cars. At one moment I'm in an exhilarating state, the next, hit with some pretty awful news. Bam, like that, life humbles you. But if there's one thing I've learned, is that death is a moment to mourn someone's loss but truly to celebrate the impact they had on you. Obviously, this isn't so easy to do when it's your close friend or relative, but in my case, I am mostly upset for my friend and her family, who now have to grieve the loss of a great man too early, and also deal with the fact they saw him suffer so badly for the last four months. Life can be so cruel... always count your blessings.

In my case, I count them all the time, and am really enjoying life these days. People around me are showing me so much love and support that I can't help but feel like the luckiest person.

In less dramatic news, I am still in wretched pain from the bootcamp class on Saturday. I'm hoping this will mellow out before 8 pm, when I play volleyball. All weekend I've been cursing at stairs, chairs and beds, since any time I have to walk up or down, or get up from a seated position or lying down, it feels like I'm in my 250th squat. I guess the workout was "effective", but I don't like being out of commission this long. I think volleyball might help though.

I just ate another homemade breakfast and it's so refreshing. Even though I make sure to eat a lot of veggies and fresh food when I eat out these days, none of it tastes as pure and fresh as homemade meals.

Okay, I'm off to kill another 15 minutes before I have to go to work... have a great day!

ouchie!

I am getting back on track. The scale may say otherwise, but that's only because my eating schedule is so chaotic these days. Not only did I play nearly ten hours of volleyball this week (maybe 0.5-1 hour too much for me), I went to a free bootcamp class yesterday. And man it was the most f$^^&#@ tough class I've ever done.

A lot of people keep telling me I should try the P90X videos, well apparently my workout yesterday was like a P90X course, and it was baaah-rrrutal. I used to be very scared of the word bootcamp (though always had some fantasy about trying one of those real bootcamp courses with the walls and ropes and all that. Recently, since I've been getting in good shape, crunches no longer scare me and I can do more of everything, like push ups and squats and all that. So I enjoy a bit of a challenge.

I do not, however, enjoy a novice, overly zealous ripped althete chick trying to get me to do 250 squats, push ups, chin ups (of which I cannot do one), dips, lunges, jumping lunges and jumping squats, in sets of 10, with all the legwork combined and same for the arms. The abs came last but that part wasn't too bad surprisingly. She ended up cutting the workout in half, realizing it would take us 2 hours to do all that (even for the 3 athlete men in the class). I ended up doing just HALF of the HALF and doing squats for 20 minutes until the guys finished 5 sets... I am in paiiiiiiiiiiiin today. It's not debilitating pain, so I am not injured, but faaaaahk that was intense, too intense. Anyway, it was free, I did it, and the instructor will eventually learn to adjust her class to actual people whose bodies are not 100% muscle.

I hardly at during the day, but I finally made an effort to go to the grocery store. I only bought a few things, so that I can at least have breakfast at home this week, and a few snack fruits and veggies. I was saving up my calories for the feast I enjoyed at my friend's Tree Decorating Party. It turned out to be just 4 of us, but the food was amazing (ribs, celery root/potatoes scalloped / beets / mashed artichoke and potatoes / breeeeeaaaad and cheeeeeeeses / and even a vinegar tasting, just for me) (I love vinegar to a crazy extent, and the husband bought some fancy white and regular balsamic. amazing.)

So I did a lot of drinking and eating, and naturally the scale is up, but not by much and it's mostly going to go away today I am sure. I'm about to make myself a late breakfast that's very healthy as well because I am going to a fancy burger place for dinner with a friend tonight. I think I will lighten up about absolutely losing the last 10 lbs before Christmas and focus on not gaining weight right now. I will aim to do the Game On challenge in January to lose the rest...

I got to sleeeeep in this morning and it's snowing prettily outside :) I hope you all have a wonderful day like me.

plateau

It's that time again, when I plateau. This time though, it's just that my eating is all over the place because I haven't made homemade food in ages, and because I am walking less due to snow storms.

The good news is, the minute I start home cooking and reintegrating Saturday workouts, I will be back to dropping pounds I'm sure. I think I don't have enough steam to lose another 10 lbs by Jan 1, but I am hoping to at least get below 140 and stay there throughout Christmas. Even when I was fat I did manage to get through one or two holidays without gaining a pound. It's allllll about awareness of what you're putting in the pie hole.

I have been between 143-144 for a few weeks now, with brief jumps and dips. This week, the food I ate was almost alllll heathly and I made sure to eat lots of veggies/fruit, which is hard to do (well it's hard to find FRESH, not oily/fried veggies). I also played 3 hours of vball on Monday, 4.5 hours on Wednesday (that was a killer), and last night I walked to and from vball (1 hour total) and played for about 2 hours. Saturday I am going to a fitness class with a friend, and it's free! This week was intense with all the vball I played, but it felt amazing.

I cannot wait to go to my parents' place for Christmas. I know it may be a bit stressful with my brother there, but I desperately need any form of time off work...

Today, I decided to continue to eat out for another day. I haven't bought any food, so the breakfast I'd have here would be less healthy than what I get at my usual breakfast spot. I have a feeling I wont end up buying much groceries until the new year... That's probably when I'll try to do the Game On challenge again to lose the last weight. I am always more motivated in Jan/Feb. Plus, technically I have until about January 16 or so, maybe even later, to be 1 full year since I started losing the weight.

Okay, off to work and to get brekkie :)

Losing steam

I feel like a lot of things are happening, and a lot isn't happening, and I don't quite know how to present it in a blog post. But I felt I should try anyway because I am losing steam with the whole blogging/tracking my progress thing.

I think the past few years have taken such a toll that I am now mentally exhausted, albeit very happy with my life. I still have unresolvable money concerns tied up in red tape, and all my effort goes to NOT freaking out about it. But it means my home still isn't furnished and looks like crap, which then means I don't have the energy to keep it all clean, so it's a-clutter with boxes, recycling I haven't put out (no blue box yet), dishes, etc...

I am still at 143 after a brief spike in my weight. I am only doing volleyball these days, but yesterday I decided I wanted a long walk for exercise. The weather was grey and snowy, but perfect for sitting in cafes, and just warm enough for a stroll. So first I went to have a half-wrap and soup at a local healthy food (cheap) eatery, then walked for about an hour to go get cupcakes for a Christmas brunch I'm attending this morning. Of course, I had to test out the goods, so I had a choco-choco cupcake (from Les Glaceurs) and it was very good. I bought two boxes of mini cupcakes to bring with me (20 pcs).

Then I walked around Old Montreal, which was totally deserted, and then along the Canal. I made so many discoveries (including a floating nightclub -- essentially a big box-like boat painted all black with very modern wood trimmings and tons of little portholes-- and on the top was a steaming pool, and in that was a man in a speedo. It was about -5 celcius so I was a little shocked, and partly jealous ha)

Near the end my walk got pretty slippery and cold and windy, but that wind couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I don't know what was with me yesterday, but I always get a little excited in the beginning of winter and around Christmas time even though I'm not a big fan of actual Christmas (I just like the lights, music and spirit).

After weeks of being sick, I was finally able to cap off my Saturday night with two friends at our favourite spot for shisha. It was really nice.

I woke up all cuddly and smooshy, and put on Christmas tunes straight away. I am now going to get ready for the brunch. I'll have to dress warmly since I think I'll walk the 20-30 minutes to my friend's place instead of taking the metro.

Alright, I am off. In sum, I am still on track even though I eat out too much, and am maintaining and possibly still losing weight. Feeling great about my body these days...

Off the wagon, somewhat.

Now I don't want to be too hard on myself because 1) I was sick for the last two weeks, 2) I still do a lot of exercise, and 3) I am still eating relatively well... but I feel like I've slowly bumped myself off the proverbial wagon.

This nudge into normalcy would be okay if I had already achieved my target, but I haven't. I hope to be able to cut back on the working out, and watch what I eat just a bit less (I know that one's a lifelong challenge) in the New Year, once I've reached 135 or less. However, until then I need to stay focused on weight loss and being in shape.

Since moving I have basically abandoned all muscle work. I will get back into the Lululemon and other free classes soon, to help tone and build muscle, but with the holidays coming and having been sick, I haven't in a while. I feel flabby and weak.

Because of money woes I haven't been able to keep up with my own eating needs (buying so many veggies and fish and meat, etc. to stock up), so every other week there are a few days where I am eating all my meals out, except breakfast. I can proudly say though that I am generally making wise lunch/dinner choices regardless.

I feel like my brain has turned down the volume on my weight loss efforts, but I still have a lot of work to do. Because the next step is working on the mental health part and my relationships with family and friends, I need to get this done.

Okay, enough whining, I am leaving for volleyball shortly. I took an intense walk at lunch. So I think I am managing to get my mind back in the right space, but the money troubles are seeping into all aspects of my life and holding me back. From now on, NO EXCUSES. I will succeed. I will persist no matter how many people seem to want to sabotage me, and listen to those with my best interests at heart. I will.

The problems with being female.

Aside from the obvious complaints from either end of the gender spectrum (namely moodiness, indecision, PMS, hypersensitivity and not being taken seriously), being a woman also involves some degree of fear of men.

I wish, for once, all the creepy men who talk to me on the subway, the street, in dark corners would put themselves in our uncomfortable shoes and realize they are scary. Unfortunately, it is usually the socially-awkward and foreign who do this.

First off, many of my middle-eastern/North African friends have said that the approach of harassing women in the street is common because the girls there play hard to get for so long, but eventually give in. So when these men move to Canada, they do the same thing, expecting the same response. I get the same treatment from African men of all kinds. I'm not here to make racial commentary, but rather to point out a trend I've seen in my life.

What I used to find most shocking was that these men would tell me I am beautiful or approach me with other inappropriate comments when I would be at my worst physically. I would either be wearing no makeup, bad clothes, doing unflattering activities, etc. Some feminists might say that can be attractive to some, however, I now firmly believe this kind of man preys on the weak. In my case, I was the "fat" girl. I am also probably naive-looking because I seem to be approached more than some of my equally pretty friends. They wait until you look 'down on your luck' and pounce.

Luckily, I never felt comfortable around men who fetishize fatness, rather than those who simply don't mind or happen to like a chubby girl, but most importantly, liked my personality.

Yesterday I was followed in the subway. From platform to platform, and on two trains. I knew immediately by that look in his eye that he would try to talk to me. I tried to get away subtly at first, then more obviously so he'd know I was onto him and NOT interested. Finally, he once again sat right next to me and started to speak softly, giving me compliments and all. I was not going to leave the station when I got off the train, and I would have called a friend to meet me, but luckily, after talking to me he got off.

I was and still am genuinely scared. I need pepper spray.

Not sure if this made any sense, but I had to finally rant about something that happens so often to me and really makes me feel weak and powerless. Sometimes, I truly hate men.

But luckily there are some great ones around me, and great women too, who would fight tooth and nail to protect me, as I would for them...

Feeling better

My horrible, neverending cold/flu is dissipating, at last!

I think volleyball was just what I needed to kickstart my system out of sleep mode. I worked through a full day at the office, and am going in for a second. Then, Christmas party time... I can't say I am better enough for real partying, but I'm due for a nice full meal.

I am down to 142.4 this morning. I'm thrilled. I really can't wait to be fully better (i.e. not coughing my brains out) so I can get back into workouts.

Alright, that's it for me today. Have a good one!

Leanne

Out of commission

Well, long time no write.

I was completely knocked out with a cold/flu that still hasn't left yet. It started with a scratchy cough last week, and developed into a horrendously painful throat pain and now it is a painful sinus cold. Bending over hurts my head. But I've used up all my sick days and even one vacation day, and am heading back to work. I've been off since last Friday, when a friend came to stay with me. That turned out to be a mistake because she started getting sick and ended up going to stay in a hotel.

In other news, nothing but car problems and other money sponges this week. Just went to get the seatbelt fixed and the next day the back light burns out. My router also stopped working, as well as a light in my bathroom, and my computer is doing all kinds of crazy things. I can't catch a break! I'm starting to believe I was a bad person in a past life.

I wasn't eating much over the last week because frankly I wasn't doing much and it hurt to swallow. I decided to go ahead and try volleyball last night (and it felt good though I wasn't at 100%), and this morning I weighed in at 142.8!!! Yay! If I can get this cold out of my system by the weekend, I may still stand a chance of getting to 135 by January. For now I am taking it easy on the working out and trying to eat as well as possible. I will play volleyball tonight and then take the weekend off.

Alright, not much else to report considering I've mostly been hanging around my apartment sleeping, so I will be heading to work. I can't hear out of one ear, am stuffy, coughing and my sinuses ache, and THAT is an improvement!!!

Good news.

My T.O.M. arrived smack in the middle of vball last night, but the good news is that this morning, while bloated from my first day of my T.O.M, I was 144.8!! I know that's pretty much 145, but it's NOT 145, NOR 146 or 147, and therefore is an improvement.

I anticipate, if all goes smoothly, that I'll be 144 solid by tomorrow.

eeeeee!

Weirdness.

I'm bad, very bad. I am sneaking Halloween candy every chance I get. Luckily, there's not so much available that I couldn't undo the damage if I were to binge, but the fact I cannot tell myself no at all right now worries me.

Finances are a major source of stress at the moment, so I can't buy all the groceries I need or want to be able to eat veggie-rich meals all day every day... I have to be economical. This means I can only afford to buy in small doses. I run out quickly, then a few days go by until I replenish, at which time I eat out. As a result, my eating patterns are all over the map.

Luckily for me, with my new scale, I am reminded to go buy veggies and fruit and get back on track. I am at 147 lbs. It is hovering around there, give or take, but I see it is NOT going down. I know I can get to at least 143 before plateauing, because my body appears to plateau every 10 lbs, at 183, 173, 163, 153... like clockwork. I would be thrilled to get to 143. I just don't have much motivation for cooking.

I have been cooking a bit, and I have all the implements even though I just moved. However, change always affects me a lot, and it takes ages before I get into a routine. Things have been anything but routine lately, which is why I am grateful for 3 nights of vball and weekly outings to the same old place with the same 1-2 friends, which keeps me sane.

I have a guest coming for 3 days, and I have absolutely less than no money to buy food to feed her. I ashamedly warned her that pickings are slim and I feel terrible as a host but I can't stock the fridge as I usually would when a guest comes. I can barely stock it for me. The debt keeps piling up while I wait for a cheque that is tangled in legal traps. I can't ever just get back on my feet and start over... I will likely give up a night of vball after Christmas to save myself a few bucks, and I'll have to find free workouts. Luckily, I've discovered TrainingMobs.com, which is a site started recently for people looking for free workouts around the city. For now it's only in my city, but as people sign up, they will create Mobs for other cities... So this weekend, my guest and I will be attending 3 different free workouts: two different types of cross-fit class and one zumba class. Though we may not have the energy for all three...

So workout wise I am trying to compensate for poor eating. That's a good thing, but I want to stay balanced. Plus, I have a cold so I need to eat well to get rid of that asap. I'm in a blah mood these days, so apologies for the ongoing ranting and rambling...my thoughts are infintely scattered.

Photo update.

Hi there!

I figured it's about time for another photo update since another 10 lbs has been lost since the last one. I don't have a "body" shot yet. I would need someone to take my picture to do that, so I am just waiting for the next 10 lbs and then I'll do the big dramatic before and after shots. In any case, my face always looks thinner than the rest of me.

This is also my latest hair cut. I was feeling pretty ugly lately, what with all my clothes hanging off me like a kid wearing her mom's high heels, my hair all broken and oddly grown-out bangs, and shoes with soles falling off. I'm pretty broke this year so renewing my entire wardrobe is cut down to the bare necessities, and anything generously given to me by friends who've also lost weight and are getting rid of stuff.

All my money (ahem, credit) has gone to light renovations and furnishing of my new apartment. My parents are here for the weekend, so my dad could help paint the bedroom and they could bring me a few things like chairs, cutlery, etc.

My mom being the best mom in the world, and babying me no matter my long-toothedness, she brought me homemade pumpkin pie. All because they ate the last piece and didn't leave me any when I was there for Thanksgiving hahah. She even supplied me with mini maple syrup and pecans to garnish the ice cream she says should go with it. ha! She also brought me Halloween candy, which is fantastic since I didn't get any this year. Included are, most notably, hard cheesies (a brand other than Cheetos that is not normally found here) that are my favourites!

The first coat of paint is up and the colour is amazing. It's a pale vintage blue-green, bordering on baby blue. I am not a fan of blue, but I thought I'd get too sick of green. So I leaned more toward blue, but the colour doesn't look too much like a baby's room because of all the various wood colours in the room. We'll put together my bed frame once the second coat has dried and then I will buy a mattress this week.

My emotions seem to be stablizing after years (especially the last one) of being an emotional wreck. I had given up some responsibilities at work because I was unable to cope with the stress. Crying at work is not something I want to make a habit of, but it was becoming almost "my thing". Now I am trying to rebuild credibility hahah! I have asked to take back my responsibilities, and also have an earlier schedule. I like finishing work at 4 pm because it gives me time to do stuff after work before seeing friends, and I like leaving work when the sun's still out in winter. It makes alllllll the difference in my mood. Plus, getting up early is something I enjoy (after the first week) because it's calm.

Since I wont be working out at 6 am anymore (I moved and dont have a gym in the building anymore, so my workouts are all in the evening / on weekends), I can handle going to work a bit earlier.

What else is new, well not much. The only strange thing is that this week was the week that every man in my "circle" noticed how much weight I lost and was stunned. Women have been noticing at every step along the way. Proof that women are largely more perceptive than men. Though nothing changed between my body this week and my body of the last 2 weeks, suddenly a bunch of different men pointed out that I look great and have lost so much weight. It only took 40 lbs!!! hahahha!

It's nice that people are so supportive and go out of their way to encourage me. It's always kind of embarassing and a surprise, though what shocks me most is when people come up to me, and they preface their compliment with 'I hope you don't take this the wrong way but...' and then proceed to say I lost a lot of weight and look good. It's not like I look so thin I could be sick, so I think it's odd anyone would be afraid of insulting me. But I guess it's out of respect for the "old" me that they don't want to say I looked like ass before and now I look a million times happier and healthier. I love my old, fat self, dearly. And she deeply appreciates that people were always gentle with her. Some people have not been treated so nicely by those around them when it comes to being fat, depressed and out of shape.

Alright, enough rambling. I'm basically avoiding watching TV so I can go to bed in a few minutes to wake up early for a free Lululemon class (Strong is the New Sexy it's called...weird).

A good week

I am a happy camper this week. I think it's a mix of volleyball adrenaline, loving my new home, PMS upswing, and a few very genuine compliments that truly made my day.

For some reason, this week, the 'wow' factor kicked in, particularly with men in my environment. Women seem to notice my weight loss and the smaller changes earlier on, while men seem to notice all at once, like a slap in the face. This week, no less than 4 men looked at me in awe, as if I'd just crawled out of my former body like an alien and did that little alien dance at the end of Spaceballs... Hello ma babeh hello ma honeh!

It's the non-perverse way they say it that makes me warm inside. If they were just saying "you're hot now", it would mostly make me feel awkward. But they really seem to appreciate that I feel healthier and look healthy and fit, and this is nice.

Anyway, in other non-eventful news, I am still very interested in kickboxing, but may postpone until January... not 100% decided. For now, I played vball last night and have finals tonight. The next season starts next week. I am very much looking forward to tonight's matches, which SHOULD be more intense than usual.

Yeah, so basically that's my long-winded way of saying all is pretty much on track here. Despite not having a scale, I think I've almost maintained my weight, at least my measurements are still the same so that's what really matters...

Have a great evening!

news

I just discovered there's a kickboxing/boxing gym right next to my place that offers kickboxing for women, skipping classes and beginner kickboxing. Best of all, they have 3-month memberships which is perfect for someone like me who wants to try all kinds of things.

I might just start doing that on Saturday mornings, so I'll have volleyball 3 nights, kickboxing class and free Lululemon classes.

Eeeeeee!

I've been tagged!

This has never happened, but it is exciting ha! I feel connected. I have one, maybe three readers at the moment, so it's unlikely I can find four people to answer four new questions, but I'll definitely play along by answering the Ice Queen's queries... yay!

Question #1 If you could eat any food at all for 24 hours without gaining weight, what would it be?

Hmmmm, ANY food?? If it can count as 1 food, it would probably be French baguette with balsamic vinegar and olive oil: a pure and simple pleasure. However, if that doesn't count as a single thing, I am sure fettuccini carbonara does, and that would be my second choice!

Question #2 Briefly describe how you would re-write the life experience of your favourite character in a book or movie.

I would re-write part of Catcher in the Rye for my precious sociopath Holden Caulfield. In one part that I found rather anti-climactic, though all of Salinger's stories are more character-development-based rather than plot-based, Holden gets very close to having a sexual encounter with a prostitute if I remember correctly (though I barely remember the details of even my favourite books). I would have him sleep with that woman and then proceed to behave as strangely after. It would add a layer of depth that I find lacking in that particular book. His other characters are so much meatier!

Question #3 What female family member has had the biggest positive influence on you and what was the most meaningful advice she gave you?

Well, my mother is clearly the most wonderful and influential person in my life, but for the purposes of this question, I would say my grandma. Since moving to the city where my dad grew up, I've had a chance to get closer to her. I've realized I am very much like her and she has a dry, dark humour that I adore. Everyone else in my family is almost painfully sweet, but she has an edge, even as a true, churchgoer and loving mother. Recently, she was complaining that the neighbour keeps trying to set her up on a "play date" with this old lady (they're the same age but my grandma acts/looks/thinks wayyyyyy younger than most her age), and she said, in French "I have enough friends, it's not my job to be friends with everyone." I realized she's just like me. We're both one part anti-social and one part people lover.

Question #4 If your blog were eaten by cyber roaches and gone for good, what would you do different in your new blog?

I would invest more time into writing more deep and meaningful things, and less about only what I eat and weigh. I needed friends to read it at first, but now I wish I had an anonymous blog through which to express the deeper things I cannot say "out loud". I would also post more creative writing, assuming it would now be an anonymous blog.

Thanks Erika, this was fun! Unfortunately,the trail ends here for me since I have no followers that are actually following anymore hahaha!

Small accomplishments

So I followed through on my word. I walked to the market and bought some food. I could have gone to the grocery store, but I needed real maple syrup, and right now the grocery stores only have that fake Aunt Jemima stuff.

I have also been dying to get out and walk around my new neighbourhood and go to the market, which I hadn't been to in a long time. Nothing makes me love a place more than a nice market with local foods. Can't explain it, but it's pleasant and makes me feel connected to people.

However, when it comes to meat-buying, I am lost. I get really scared when they ask me what I want and how much of it I want. I never know. I just buy things and then invent stuff with what I have. I don't do planning well. So I asked the butcher for help. Not only did he explain how to buy and cut pork tenderloin for 3 meals (a good amount for a single person who wants lunch and two dinners), he also gave me recipes for the pork and the merguez sausages I bought, ingredients and instructions included. Now that's service.

So I came home and tackled the pork dish. I didn't have most of what he listed, but I am pretty good at pairing flavours similar to those, so even though it didn't turn out great because I used a little too much clove, I used honey, ginger and clove to marinate the meat, and served with baby bok choy with lemon and garlic, and roasted Nantes carrots with honey, rosemary and garlic. The carrots were the best part, but overall the dish wasn't bad, but you can tell I'm an amateur.

I also bought my paint. Yay! I got to take out the heaping pile of recycling that's been crowding my small apartment all week, and tomorrow it's garbage day!! It will feel so much nicer in here without that.

Alright, off to start my work week. Ugh! :)

Backward motion

I have to give myself a little bit of s$%^ today. The last week was a DISASTER food-wise. I have eaten every bad food I normally say no to, all in one week. From nachos and cheese galore at the movies, to Lafleur's and IKEA hot dogs, to cheap, unhealthy pizza... I've run the gamut of over-fatty, over-salty, non-nutritious food.

To make matters worse, I am not weighing myself daily and am only doing volleyball, and I can feel I've gained a couple of pounds. This wouldn't bother me so much if I had already achieved my goal, but I had gotten to just 10 lbs away and this move just threw me for a loop. I don't deal well with routine changes, clearly.

The good news is I've started over as of today. I went to a free Lululemon class, which was Capoeira this week. It was tough but not suuuuper fun. Next week the class is called "Strong is the new skinny", whatever that means. But I am strong and not skinny, so I guess it's suited to me.

I built an IKEA Kivik couch today. No one should have to build a couch!!! However, with a tiny female friend to help me, we put the thing together with but ONE teensie-weensie glitch. I am not going to put my bed frame together until my bedroom is painted this weekend, and I buy a mattress.

I would rather not have all IKEA furniture, but for the big pieces I need things urgently, and it's cheap. All the other cheap places only have stuff that I do not like at all, like big, ugly couches and overly elaborate pieces.

Today's mission, in addition to the already-completed Capoeira and couch-building, is paint-buying. I need to have everything ready since my parents are coming next weekend, and my dad will be helping to paint my bedroom. I'd like to paint everything, but I don't want to ask too much of him, so just the bedroom for now, and perhaps the other rooms when I can pay someone to do it.

They are bringing me a scale, which is something I need as a daily reminder of my goal. I will go buy some food today so I have no choice but to eat good home stuff.

Hasta banana

back to work

Ah, the nice life of a person who doesn't work is over. It is 7:17 am and I am getting ready for my first day at work since moving. It feels almost like a first day of school, when it's dark out, and you're nervous, and up extra early.

I have to go eat and make lunch. Still broke, so no option but to eat home food. Plus I am getting off track food wise this week, and I need to reign myself in. Since I don't have a daily scale to remind me to stay focused, I really need to kick up my self-control now.

Good luck everyone.

The move

Well that glorious day finally came and went. I am in my new place. The move itself went extremely quickly and smoothly thanks to a few friends of mine and one indispensable dolly.

I took a few days off from work (until Thursday) to get myself organized. I have no furtniture so I need to shop around, plus buy little things like dishes, groceries, etc.

Today I got bad news from the notary, so once again I am emotional and facing more hurdles to being able to re-setup my life... However, the ex and I are working together to get all this resolved and keep facing forward.

I've been pretty lazy the last few days aside from necessary exercise like mopping the floors and volleyball. I don't have a scale right now (my folks are buying me one and bringing it in two weeks or so). Until then, I need to measure and eyeball it. But this week has been a write-off. A LOT of junk food. More than I've had all year. However, since I'm not eating often, I'm not eating too many calories I think, it's just the quality of my food that is excessively poor.

The boy situation hasn't gotten any clearer. Ah well. I have too many other things to think about right now anyway, but it would be nice if things could go well in more than one area of my life at a time...

The one part that's going well is my social life. My friends have really been helpful throughout this move. One friend in particular has taken the time to bring me food several times, knowing that I am struggling on many levels. This is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. People's generosity astounds me sometimes. It's those who have been through harder times than me that are the most understanding. It's incredible.

Alright, back to mopping. Still have a lot of life to sort out, one baby step at a time...

Have a good one.

better today

almost done packing. back aching. feeling satisfied at least.

so ready to just bring all this crap over to my new place. I have thrown out industrial quantities of stuff I just can't be bothered to lift.

report back tomorrow or Monday once my new Internet connection is set up...

:)

friday

lower case f.

Well, this ain't going to be a chipper message, but all in all, it's really not that I am extremely down right now either. I'm in a weird mood today, that's all.

I am still thrilled to be 145 and liking my body: what I previously believed to be the impossible.

I am exhausted. It's all for happy reasons, but no matter what being exhausted makes me cranky now that I am very used to getting good nights' sleep. I didn't used to mind being tired when it was my permanent state of affairs.

I'm moody because I am moving on Sunday. As I've repeated several times, this is full of mixed emotions. Most of all, this year has made me so emotionally and mentally exhausted that any change feels like a huge hurdle. I have come a long way since being dark and twisted day in and day out, but most of my changes have been physical rather than psychological. I have been waiting for the moment of living alone to start rebuilding my brain.

I'm moody about boy-related stories which I wont get into. I am an impatient person, and I am in a bit of a confusing situation right now. Waiting for someone to make his move and it doesn't seem to be happening...argh.

I took a cozy, drowsy long nap after work, which was amazing. I followed that with a gigantic, plentiful salad. I have almost used up all my food here, which means less stuff to bring to the new place on Sunday. I just want to enjoy tonight alone in my loft, because tomorrow I will be packing all day and it will be my very last night sleeping here. Four years and this chapter is almost closed. Sad. Well it feels sad but I know it will be good in the end...

Okay, enough blabbering. Sorry for the rant.

what's goin' on, what's goin' on?

Okay, so I have been eating dinner early, but not much earlier than usual. Maybe by about 15-30 minutes. I've also been exercising, but the same amount as usual. I've been eating well, but no better than I have been in my best weeks this year. Yet, I was 145.2 this morning.

This is astonishing. How the hell did I get from 153-151 to 145 in two weeks. Well I think I am forgetting something. When I arrived in Toronto for Thanksgiving I had gotten to 149. I thought it was just because I skipped a meal. After Thanksgiving obviously I went up to 153 again, and it took a week to come down to 149 again. I then dipped back in the 148s, but having bought groceries for the week (to avoid spending money I don't have on overpriced healthy takeout) pounds are shedding like cat hair. But in fact it's only about 3 pounds that I've drastically lost in the last two weeks, which is actually completely healthy. Aside from my recent nausea when I eat, which keeps me from overeating, I think I just broke my 153 plateau. Thanksgiving really did work. hahaha!

In a week or so I will probably pig out a little again, to throw my system for a loop. This seems to work wonders for reminding my body I am not starving. For now though, I'd like to sit back and acknowledge the fact I've now lost 40 lbs!!! I have only 10 more to go, and truly I am so happy. I like my body now. Well, like all people, there are still things I cannot change that I would like to, but I don't cringe when I see my body, I like it in clothes, and with just a little more work, I might be able to take a bikini-worthy vacation next year...

worried, again.

and happy at the same time.

I was 146.0 this morning, can you believe it???? What worries me is the fact that I'm losing the weight so quickly. I went from 150ish to 146 in less than two weeks. This is uncharacteristic and shouldn't be happening since I'm probably nearing my body's "natural / healthy" weight.

What bothers me is that I feel like I am eating enough, and I am definitely eating well these days, but then I think back on the amount of calories I must have eaten in the day and it is very low. Then I try to top up to make sure I'm not undereating. I am just not as hungry, nor as indulgent as I was before. This was helped by the fact that I felt nauseous every time I ate last week. I got a little bit of nausea yesterday, but not enough to keep me from eating.

In any case, as long as I am not starving myself and I'm eating nutritious food, I will try to just enjoy the fact I'm losing weight and almost at 10 lbs from my goal.

Wow, what a journey this has been and still is. The stakes are always changing, and my mindset has changed so many times. I think it's important that I look back at the beginning of my blog once in a while to remind myself what my initial goals were so I don't lose focus. But it is also important for me to set new goals since I have achieved most of what I wanted to accomplish, most importantly, to be healthy.

I have to get going... I just want work to be done with so I can go play vball again :)

catching up

I suppose I'll have to post measurements again soon, as well as a recent pic... I think I'll wait until I start the challenge again when I'll have to figure that all out anyway.

For now, I was at 147.8 this morning. I am still extremely happy to see those numbers, it hasn't worn off. Under 150 I am liking my body. I feel like a healthy, regular person. I know I can do better, but I personally think I deserve a pat on the back for getting here, because I know how hard it was. Only you can ever know how hard something really is on you, so you should always be the first to acknowledge the hard work. I never thought I could actually ever be fit, thin, good looking, NOT the chubby girl.

While this didn't matter to any of my friends or family, it has mattered to me my entire life.

In any case, food is on track. I have been eating enough the last two days and eating well. I bought some groceries on credit because I am broke right now with the move coming up. I need to save every penny to pay cash for the appliances and pay my first month's rent. I am thrilled to move but I really had no time to save up for this... I think I'll manage, but it's been a source of stress lately, one I'd like to ignore but cannot.

I played 3 full hours of court vball yesterday and it was great. I am not sure I'll continue playing court in winter because it's late at night and I find it much harder on the body than beach. I may throw myself around more at beach, but the impact on my joints is much less intense. After 3 hours of play, all of my teammates' backs were aching. Surprisingly, I am feeling good today, not too sore.

Alright, off to vurk.

rollercoaster

well, I got a lot done this weekend, but it didn't come without it's fair share of emotional upheaval. Who knew moving could be soooo dramatic? ha!

I had to reorganize some boxes I had packed last year when we first broke up, so I decided to throw out a ton of stuff. In the meantime, I had to sort through letters, cards, photos, etc. Some I cannot fathom why I hung on to, others brought out a lot of smiles, fond memories and tears. I am looking forward to being done this process. It does feel good to throw a lot of stuff away, but I am sick and tired of being so emotional and just want to move on and be happy.

Some moments have been happy. The ex and I discussed briefly how we're feeling since all my stuff is packed up, and we both feel exactly the same way: happy and sad. It was nice to just exchange these few words, it did me a world of good. While our relationship was tumultuous, in the last 6 months of living together, we've found a comfort zone that only comes with long term relationships and going through hardship together.

Anyway, in other news, I was still at 147.6 this morning. I went to a free exercise class at the Lululemon store. It was supposed to be "fusion stretch" (don't ask, I had no idea what this was meant to be), but it turned out it was "ballet stretch". So it wasn't much of a workout but it was a decent stretch exercise. I thought the instructor was too chaotic though, and am looking forward to next week's free class: budokon, a mix of yoga and martial arts :) Most of all, I am looking forward to my three nights of volleyball this week. Things are really fun these days since I know a lot of people there now and have made some friends I really enjoy.

I ate fairly well today considering I had almost no food in the fridge and all my basic ingredients are packed. Tonight I went grocery shopping and made the ex and myself a grilled chicken sandwich on pain parisien (large baguette)with mixed greens, tomatoes, Dijon, mayo, bbq sauce and swiss cheese. A side of grilled peppers was a pretty and nutritious touch. We had a PatsyPie ginger cookie for dessert, mmm.

Alright I am off to watch Monsters Inc. Normally not a huge fan of movies this light, but sometimes it's just what I need.

Have a great evening...

mixed feelings

I'm having a strange day.

Packing up my life for the past 4 years is rough. Not only am I unmotivated, but it is bringing up many of the feelings I've needed to supress til now. I've been randomly bursting into tears, then those outbursts are followed by elated dances to my blaring music at the joy of change, moving out, having come so far this year.

I am supremely ecstatic about my new home. Not so thrilled about leaving behind everything I thought I would have for a long time still... I guess I have a very hard time with change. As impulsive as I am, I kind of like monotony and sameness. I find a great deal of comfort in it, since my mind is all over the place. It grounds me.

I try not to let myself dwell on the sad feelings of losing someone I care about and my home, and focus on the excitement of meeting new people, men, going out, being fit, having my own place, etc.

I worked pretty hard for an unmotivated person though. I think I'm about 70% done. I just need to get my stuff out of the storage locker and finish packing dishes, etc.

For now though, I'm going to meet up with some friends to vent, relax a bit and then get to bed early so I can wrap this all up by tomorrow.

oh my god oh my god oh my god

147.4 today. WTF?!?

Well actually, while I am pumped about these numbers dropping on the scale, I am a tad bit worried too. I didn't eat much at dinner yesterday. Basically, every time I eat, for the last week or so, I feel nauseous (NO I am NOT preggers). I've been eating foods I normally eat, a lot of veggies and fruit and fibre etc.

My friend brought up a point that it may be something unusual in my diet. It made me think: for some reason I have drank a lot of milk this week. I never drink milk. In fact, I only started using milk for cereal in the last couple of years. But this week since I wasn't getting enough calories in, I was having glasses of milk. Perhaps this has irritated my stomach. So I am testing out NOT having it for a while to see if that helps. It really sucks to be nauseous when I eat.

So naturally, I am eating lightly and exercising a lot (volleyball last night was amazing) so I am losing pounds. I plan on going to see a doctor if this doesn't sort itself out soon, but I will start eating normally as soon as it does. Don't worry about little old me ever starving, it's not in my nature to deprive myself of food :)

I am liking my body and face and feeling great. I'm getting noticed by a whole different category of men. Nice, athletic ones. Not the super hot nasty preppy jocks, but the guys that I've always liked: the sweet ones who just happen to love sports and being fit. Sports are very important in my life as therapy, medication, pleasure, adrenaline, excitement, competition and discipline. I want someone in my life who will share that passion so that I don't fall into my own relationship trap of becoming completely and utterly lazy.

I am NOT getting the nasty attention of sleezy a-holes who just want a ride on a buxom, curvaceous woman in between dating skinny princesses. It is nice to not be treated like something I am not anymore.

This is all finally paying off for real. I am feeling truly like a different person. My emotional side still needs a lot of work. The last few years did a real number on my stability. But it's coming, I can feel it. I am calmer, happier, etc. I am still extremely fragile though and anxious and stressed. I think by the time this year is up I will be a new woman.

Have a great day!

A nice compliment

Well I consider myself a bit of a weak person in the mental sense, because I really do appreciate a nice compliment. I don't fish for compliments at all, and in fact I'm usually surprised at what people notice, and who notices it. But I feel like these compliments go a looooooooooooong way with me, where people always tell you you have to find satisfaction from within. But that can be difficult.

Anyway, a guy from volleyball came up to tell me that I looked good and looked like I'd achieved my goal (though he didn't actually know that I do have a goal, he was using a figure of speech). It really made my night to know someone thinks I look good, and I am flattered that some people think this is an ideal weight for me. Whenever I tell people how much weight I want to lose they look at me like I will be some disgusting skinny bone rack, but everytime I lose another 5-10 lbs, they see that I still have ample meat on my body, so there's no need to worry. I think I can safely get to 135 without ever looking skinny. I think if I went beyond 130 it would start to look a little scary on me.

My face has really changed. I was back down to 148.6 today, so I am thrilled, but it reaaaaaaaaaaallly makes a difference in my face. I never had a huge problem with my face, but I think I really like it now for once. I just hope that my face doesn't get any skinnier now because I think I'd start to look gross (I've always had a relatively thin face compared to my body).

So yeah, back down to 148!!!!! I wasn't undereating either. In fact, every day I have been making myself drink glasses of milk and eat 1-2 of these 100-calorie cookies just to top off my calories. I would guess that I am eating in the 1,800 calorie range but burning about 2,200 or so calories a day. It may be less than that, on both counts, but it's about that. Anyway, I am so excited that I am still losing weight. All I'm really doing is my regular walk to-from work and at lunch about 30 minutes, then playing volleyball three times a week. I am grateful that that is still enough for me to lose pounds. I am so close to liking my body. What a relief that is. I haven't liked my body ever, but now, with all the work I've done, I can appreciate the blessings of being able to play sports, being strong and being fit.

Today is a happy day. That is, until I looked outside at the grey, wet sky. But I will try my best not to let anything kill this buzz I have right now.

Feeling good

Happy eaaarly morning! I'm up early because I'm a moron. I screwed up some deadlines at work yesterday and now I need to go into work an hour early to be sure I get a project in on time. This never happens. Well maybe one other time in almost 4 years. I preferred to come in early than work late last evening, because I've been feeling exhausted and the feeling of a cold coming on worsens over the course of the day.

I am feeling thin. I am actually feeling NOT fat. I am still at 149 and I am absolutely thrilled because I am not undereating anymore. In fact I am deliberately trying to get in more calories here and there because I feel my body needs it. It's this weird new thing I have: I still get hungry like everyone else, and eat when I am hungry. But I also get this feeling of "need" that is not the same as hunger, yet not just a desire to snack for nothing. It's like my body is telling me to top up on calories. And it has been working. While, like I said, I was unintentionally undereating, I was also grabbing food throughout the day out of this physical need that feels more like thirst than hunger, and yet I get more than enough water. And with all this "snacking" I am losing weight, so I am glad my body has come up with this mechanism to be sure I don't undereat anymore.

But back to feeling thin, I love seeing a flat stomach in the morning. Then I see that I have nice curves and am very happy with my body. Even my thighs are starting to bother me less (that's where most of my fat goes, along with loads of muscle: I have very short, chunky soccer legs). Finally being in the 140s is like a miracle to me, like I can see the end of the tunnel, not just a tiny sparkling light dot. I am only 9-14 pounds from it, and then it will be real discipline time. Time to fine tune my body so it becomes as averse to weight gain as possible :)

Alright, off to work in the dark, cold morning. Have a nice day anyone out there (echoes)

the importance of sleep

I came home sick this afternoon to sleep. As I've mentioned, I have been exhausted for weeks, and yesterday, after waking up at a normal time, heading to the grocery store, I came home and crashed and slept for another hour or two.

Last night however, I didn't get more than 3-4 hours of sleep. I went to work in a daze and by the time I came back from my lunch walk, I was just sitting, staring at my computer, unable to process any information.

I came home and slept for about an hour and a half, hoping it wont affect my sleep tonight. Volleyball will hopefully tire me out enough as well. I ate dinner very early and vball finishes early tonight, so with all of this combined I am hoping to sleep a full night.

Sleep affects my ability and motivation to exercise, eat, work... but most importantly, lack of sleep makes me a crazy emotional wreck who takes everything the wrong way. I was definitely cranky today and needed home to rest off this hypersensitivity.

Dinner was surprisingly great. I made spinach fettuccini with zucchini, cherry tomatoes and yellow bell peppers. I also had a piece of lemon-pepper veal on top and the entire dish was infused with fresh garlic, lemon and parmesan flakes. MMMMMM. I rarely end up with tasty dishes when I attempt a sauce-less pasta, but this time it was perfect. I have more than enough for lunch tomorrow, so possibly two meals will come of it.

I was at 149 this morning again. Yay! I am hoping to maintain or continue weight loss up until my move in two weeks, when I can begin the Game On Challenge again. That way I wont have so far to go to get to 135-140lbs. At 135 lbs I will finally be in the Normal BMI range. I know the BMI is not a great indicator of health for muscular people, but as long as I stay close to the Normal range or even its upper portion, I am satisfied. I am starting to feel good about my body for once. I feel I still have a lot of work to do, and need a lot of discipline, but I am finally starting to be able to look at myself and see someone I think looks healthy.

okay, back to vegging. I feel like I might even need another 20-minute nap before vball because I am still very tired.

Have a great evening.

changes

I think I figured out the problem with me. I have been exhausted for over a week now, with no clear-cut explanation. I just realized this morning I haven't eaten any red meat in weeks. I think I am low on iron. In fact, I know I've been eating less than I should, but there are several reasons for this. For one, I can't really pay for lots of groceries right now, so I have to use them sparingly. Also, my schedule is pretty chaotic and I've missed a few meals here and there lately. Finally, I am just not that into food these days, but I think this is because I'm feeling exhausted. It's a vicious cycle.

Most importantly, I always get weak and sleepy when I haven't eaten red meat in a while, so usually once a week I try to eat some. Even though my favourite meat is a good steak, I rarely eat red meat, but lately it's been especially rare. So I just made a salad with a steak, and I even made a second one and put it sliced on top of another salad for tomorrow's lunch.

After dropping to 148 then back up to 153 post-Thanksgiving, I am back down to 149-150. Aside from undereating, I am happy about the weight loss. I should be working out a bit more than I am, or not so much more, but more effectively, but I'm being forgiving since I have a lot on my plate mentally and emotionally with this move. I am having a mixed bag of feelings: I am thrilled, esctatic even, about having my own new apartment and moving on with my life; at the same time I am feeling sad about parting with a part of my life (my ex and my first home) which, no matter how unhealthy it all was for me, had become comfortable and does have it's up sides that I will miss dearly. Lastly, I am feeling exhausted at the thought of packing, moving, buying new furniture, sorting out my life, and so on. It feels like everything in the last 4 years has been a challenge and it's never easy and settled. I keep looking forward to being able to save money and take a vacation, and it keeps not happening, so now I am skeptical I'll ever get there, and it's sucking my motivation.

Anyway, things are changing and some new things are exciting. I was asked out by a guy from volleyball, and while I am uninterested, he is a sweet guy and it feels good to know anyone out there finds me interesting and attractive. Gives me hope for the future dating I'll undoubtedly have to go through in the coming years.

Alright. Back to work starting to get myself ready for this move...

A grey day

I don't want to go to work. I think I'm coming down with something. However, I know there is no one around to take the project I am working on, so if I can get that done and I am still feeling like crap, I may just come back home to sleep.

I was a space case yesterday because my sinuses were blocked. I went to volleyball anyway, and played for 2 hours straight. I didn't play as intensely as usual because of the sinuses and a few random pains that I am worried could become injuries. After an hour, my sinuses felt better. I have more games tonight, but thankfully they are earlier tonight so I can get a full night's sleep.

I did not go grocery shopping. I need to. But I have eight million things to do to prepare for my move in a few weeks that everything seems a little overwhelming. I've begun doing a few things and writing lists. Lists are good. Lists help me not go insane with too many things to plan. All the things I need to do are like a cascade, and each is intertwined. I can't just go ahead change where my payroll gets deposited for example, because I still have financial obligations with the ex, so it must be carefully planned with him to be sure we don't default on any payments. I can't transfer the car lease to me until shortly after I've moved because of the credit situation... it's hard to explain but basically everything must be done in some specific order so nothing gets messed up. ugh.

Back to 152 again today, almost 153. Not pleased. But whenever I have to buy takeout for my meals I gain, even when I make wise choices. It's just not enough veg and fibers...

Okay gotta go. Good luck on persisting in your journeys.

Back

I am back. So tired from getting to bed late. Don't want to work.

Also, back up to 152, though I am not sure if it's just a difference of scales. I might ask my parents to buy me the same scale they have as a housewarming gift :) The one I use now belongs to the ex. I have no groceries, so will have to take care of that tonight, and I have vball tonight and tomorrow yay.

For now, time to go to work, ugghghhhhhhh.

Thanksgiving

What a weekend so far. I got to play tennis in the warm weather with dad yesterday, today it will be squash. Then, I'm off to an antique market with my brother, then coming back to help mom prepare all the food. It is sunny and warm and their house is so quiet and peaceful. Not when we're all in the same room at once though.

I was still 148.8 this morning. I am still in shock. I tried on a dress from highschool that I wore at about age 17. It's just a little looser than it was on me then, which means THAT is when I weighed this much last. Also meaning I mostly gained weight at the end of high school and in university (I thought it was more progressive than that).

I am looking forward to that dress being too big for me too, and being at a healthy fit weight. Honestly, I think I'd look healthy at the same weight I was at 14. That sounds a bit twisted and bizarre to me, and I know my body isn't the same shape as back then, but I was a really great size. And all along, at that age, I thought I was super fat. I guess when you're the fattest of your friends, who had mostly not hit puberty yet, that's what happens. But yeah, about 135 and I don't think I want to see what I look like any thinner than that because I am almost satisfied with my thinness. That's just over 10 lbs to go and I cannot believe it.

For now, I'm just happy I am under 150 and eating well even at my parents, but totally prepping to eat excessively tonight, which my body needs I think. So I will have to not get upset about the ultimate jump in weight, it WILL come off and I will remain focused and motivated until New Year's and beyond...

I am grateful for everything, the good and the bad, right now. What are you grateful for?

WTF?!

This is a GREAT WTF! though.

I was 148.8 this morning! HOWEVER, and a big HOWEVER, here are possible explanations:

1. I didn't eat dinner yesterday, though I did eat a string of snacks over the course of the afternoon and night: apple, apple crumble, two bags of veggie chips (very small), wine, Diet Coke, water, a small bowl of yogurt with cereal and raspberries when I got to my parents' place, and some dark chocolate on the bus ride to the airport. Not very healthy I know, but I kept trying to find food to eat for a meal and nothing was appealing to me.

2. I am using my parents' super amazing new scale. It may differ from mine, but I would like to think it's more accurate, and my mom says it matches the one at the gym, so it's likely that's my true weight.

I know it wont last long since I am here to stuff my face with food, but I never thought I'd see the 140s before November! This is truly incredible to me. Wow!

Alrightm have a great day! Mine is great so far, slept in...

Leanne has landed...

And thanks to Porter Airlines, at a beautiful airport with a beautiful view of the beautiful Toronto skyline at night, ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Home for my favourite holiday. Was still 151 this morning so I can let go this weekend, as a boost to help break my plateau when I get back. I wont be able to start the challenge again right after because it costs a lot in fresh produce and proteins, and I am le poor and trying to now prepare to move in November.

I haven't been able to sleep all week. Right now I am trying to get so tired that I wont lie awake in bed so long.

Happy to be with my parents. My mom just lost her closest sister, and it's obvious she needs us around right now. And I also needed to see my parents, since it had been a while and this year has been strange for everyone.

My bro will be exhibiting his digital photography work at the Gladstone Hotel this coming week and I am super excited because I've never been able to see a full show. Aside from the fact that we don't get along very well after more than an hour or so together, I think he is extremely talented and hardworking, and I love seeing his work evolve.

alright, I'm out. wish me luck sleeping.

moving on up

I was back down to 151.6 today, so that's good news.

I wasn't particularly careful yesterday. Well actually, I was "bad" but in a smart, calculated way. I had my regular cereal for breakfast, chicken and grilled peppers for lunch, a couple of apples as snacks, but I also went and got one scoop of my favourite Laura Secord ice cream: French Crisp. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

For dinner I made a nice big omelette with swiss and blue cheese and apples in it. I am made a big salad on the side.

Today I am not making a lunch out of sheer laziness, and I have some fish I will cook for dinner tonight pre-volleyball.

The BEST news of the week is that I found an apartment to move to in November, so I can finally get out of this weirdness I've been living in for the past year. I absolutely love this place that I found and am very much looking forward to moving in.

Have a wonderful day!

yo-yo

So my body has clearly enacted the 10-lb law again. Allow me to explain...

I began losing weight at about 183 lbs, and since then, every time I reach the 10 lb milestone, I hit a plateau. It is incredible to me that my body will lose weight in such specific increments. Frustrating as hell, but fascinating nonetheless.

I am back to 152. I am still eating carefully and played court vball last night, so there's not much more for me to do. This is time for counter-intuitive measures, which is perfect timing for me. I am heading home to visit the parents and bro for four days, which is just enough time to eat completely differently, including large amounts of Thanksgiving fare, while still doing a few days of exercise.

I truly believe my body just needs a kick in the ass, which contrary to what you might think, actually means eating poorly. I have sincerely become a pretty careful eater. I still eat junk now and again, and I am not starving myself, I have just become great with making sure everything balances out in terms of the quality and quantity of my food. I need to throw my system out of whack now.

When I return, I intend to start doing the Game On! Challenge again shortly after. I plan to play by myself because I don't really feel like stressing about winning for my team. I want to be strict with myself for the sake of losing my last 10-15 lbs before the end of 2010 is all... I think October will be a good month to do it, because I will likely be moving in November and it may be harder. Plus, my social outings are slowing down with the colder weather, which makes it far easier to manage.

So wish me luck. I failed on getting to 150 (for good) by the end of September, but maybe I can still make it to 140 lbs by Christmas or earlier, without any truly drastic measures...

I wish you all persistence to continue on your journeys as well...

woohoo!

I was 150.5 this morninggggg!!!! Yayyyyy! Oh my god. I never ever ever thought I was capable of ever losing all the weight I wanted/needed to lose, and I am now only 10 lbs away.

I have to diffuse this enthusiasm for a second to mention that I ate almost nothing yesterday and walked for at least 2.5 hours on both Saturday and Sunday, so this is the reason for the dramatic drop. However, I wasn't not eating on purpose!

Yesterday I had brunch with a friend, so I took a bowl of fruit with yogurt, honey and nuts, as well as 1.5 small, freshly baked croissants. I had huge amounts of coffee as well, and just as the caffeine migraine set in, I walked back home. It's an hour each way for me to get to that place. Then, I rested at home a bit and made myself a quick salad with some blue cheese, pecans, ham, tomatoes, avocado, lettuce and homemade dressing. I picked up and walked back downtown to meet a friend from back home, then proceeded to walk to her friend's place. 45 minutes later I was off again to meet a different friend, for a total of about 3 hours. Naturally, there was no time for dinner in all of this. However, since I felt like passing out at the last cafe, I ate one of the cupcakes I bought for a friend of mine who didn't show up. Upon returning home, the ex had bought pizza, so I had a slice.

I ended up not able to sleep and am exhausted today, but am thrilled about 150. I really want to lose this last 10 lbs after Thanksgiving so I can start buying my new wardrobe over Boxing Day...

I ate a healhty cereal and fruit breakfast, with protein-loaded Greek yogurt. For lunch I've made some tuna with bread, avocado (a quarter) and a couple of small tomatoes, as well as two apples hand picked last week by the ex. Yum!

Have a good Monday, and wish me luck not passing out at my desk. I am sooooooooooooooo tired.

mmm mmm good.

Volunteer work... check!
Walking for over 2 hours...check!
Going to the gym to compensate for upcoming Indian food... check!
Eating Indian food at favourite restaurant, to excess... check!
Watching a fantastic movie, Incendies, and figuring out the "punchline" halfway through but still loving it... check!

Weight, only slightly higher but not scary. I will be eating at restaurants twice today too, so I will be careful to include veggies and not so much fat as I ate yesterday. But as a safety precaution, I am walking to meet my friend for brunch. It is 1 hour from my place on foot, if not more. I don't know if I'll walk home, but most likely, because it is soooooooooooo beautiful outside, despite the fact it's only about 3 degrees (?!?) right now. "They" say it will be warmer all week, but it's like we're in pre-winter weeks already. Where did my wonderful fall go?

Okay, off to eat my kiwi and get ready for a big, long walk outside :)

Have a wonderful day.

This is what happens when you say it's going to be a good day.

It turns out to be less than thrilling.

So yes, I went to volunteering, which is always kind of nice. I was preparing the meals and cleaning the kitchen (it's a meals-on-wheels service for the elderly and severely disabled), but the other girls working today were all new, and didn't talk at all. Those who know me know that I am too shy to initiate conversation with strangers, but once they open the door, I am totally comfortable. So since they didn't speak, I didn't speak and it was pretty boring overall.

Bootcamp was also cancelled since there weren't enough people, which means I will need to go to the gym. I was really hoping to not have to go to the gym anymore with all my other activities, but everything keeps being cancelled. Serves me for being a painstakingly reliable person. ha!

The good news, I say with hesitation, is that if I go to the gym, I will not feel one ounce of guilt about going to my very favourite Indian restaurant tonight and having whatever I want. I have already done almost 2 hours of walking, which normally would be enough, but since my body seems to be stubbornly holding on to my weight, every extra bit counts. And I generally have an abundance of energy these days too, almost uncontrollable, so I need to harness it and put it toward getting fit only.

So yes, I finally reached 151!!!! I think that [IF NOTHING GETS CANCELLED) I should be back on track to losing weight by the end of next week. I have vball on MON/WED/THURS, and I will potentially workout today and tomorrow. While I am going to Toronto to see family for Thanksgiving and normally gain a tiny bit of weight from stuffing my face with pie, turkey, potatoes, wine, cranberry sauce, wine, pie, wine, pie... I will probably play some squash with my dad and brother, and maybe hit up a spinning class with a former high-school friend who did the weight loss challenge with me this summer. So I will physically prepare for a full-on Thanksgiving tummy bust. However, my appetite isn't what it used to be, so it's not that difficult to manage compared to previous years. I actually managed to make it through two Christmases without gaining any weight (though depression made up for that eventually).

Alright, it's now or never: I need to put my gym gear on and at least TRY doing something down there... talk to y'all later.

:)

151.8 today, sweeeeeeeet. And the sun is bright and great, sweeeeeet.

Going to volunteer today in the kitchen, then (after walking there and back for a total of almost 2 hours of walking) I will be going to a bootcamp class with my ex personal trainer, if he can find enough people.

After that, going for dinner with a friend, then to see Incendies the movie.

Will be a very nice day I suspect.

rain, rain go away.

So my second night in a row of beach vball was great! I didn't injure myself either, I just have a little bit of a sore neck on one side, but I am stretching it and have until Monday to rest it.

It was really nice playing with more competitive players. There are good players in the less competitive league, but on Thursdays we go all out, whether you're great or not. This guy had to help us out since we were missing a player, and it turns out he is one of the site's best players and has been a coach, professional player and all that jazz. He's also very nice and gave me a lift home (literally a 2 minute drive) because I didn't want to walk in the hurricane-like wind and rain we had all evening.

I just realized I have to enter my team's scores now, so I have to go. All this to say I had a great time but am still at 152 lbs!!!! argh!!! I am still trying to figure out what's going on...

Hair and stuff

Erika from Fat like Me has been writing about her hair lately and I thought I should also mention that I've noticed I am losing a lot of hair since I starting shedding pounds. However, ever since I cut my hair shorter, it's insane the amount of hair I leave around the bathroom and pull out in the shower. I think it might be because I got my hair cut just before doing the weight loss challenge in July/August, when my weight loss accelerated.

Apparently ("they" say) this hair loss is completely common because of the hormonal changes resulting from weight loss, just like when you lose hair during pregnancy. Anyhoo, I'm only a teensie bit worried for now.

I am sitting here enjoying a bowl of Kashi, Greek yog (vanilla because they had no non-fat plain last week) and raspberries/blueberries and maple syrup. This grey weather is really a bummer, but yesterday's volleyball put me in a better mood. I played for two rounds with my new team. Technically they are last in the standings, but they are better to play with than my team last week, so I am thrilled. Then I played with another team for two more rounds, for a total of about 2 hours of play. The second set of rounds was intense. I was diving left and right and I feel it today. I am looking forward to tonight's games anyway :)

I signed up for a THIRD night of vball, on Thursdays, because I can't get enough and it was half price and its more competitive, so I will have more fun.

After a week of frustration about my weight, I think I'm getting back down. I think. I don't want to jinx it. My measurements are the same, and I feel like my fat has shifted back to its usual spots and has gotten used to being thinner me. It goes in cycles, and sometimes I am super flabby, then suddenly everything looks more taut as it was before. I could still use some toning, but every time I lose a few, my fat gets all flippy and loose.

I am at 152.4 this morning. I hope tomorrow I will see a lower number. I am working my ass off, literally, and it's not getting me very far. I have to remind myself to keep eating well and don't go crazy out of frustration.

Speaking of crazy, I went to a new fish and chips place down the street and had fried fish, chips, fried scampi with a curry sauce and a fried snickers bar. MMMMMMM. It was really good. I didn't gain any weight and didn't feel too disgusting afterward because I avoided fats all day and largely ate veggies and fruit, with a little bit of protein and carbs. I was "saving up" my calories for dinner. I absolutely love fish and chips and this spot gets my stamp of approval. If only they could turn their big fries into little skinny, greasy, matchstick-style ones, it would be my heaven.

Alright, enough about nasty (yummy) food. I don't want to tempt anyone. However, it's all about balancing it out with a LOT of healthy food the rest of the time, so there's no guilt and no weight gain.

So glad it's Thursday, I am off to work now...

flusteration

I am eating very well, working out, and all that, and yet again, the scale is up a notch.

This is baffling.

Yes, I ate a fairly large amount of pasta last night, with a salad, but even that pasta was measured before so I knew about how many calories would be reasonable. My lunch was almost no calories, and I ate mostly fruit and veggies all day...so once again, I am at a loss.

All I can do is persist and hope I break through the 152-154 barrier. I keep getting so close to 151 and then a slight bump back up, and I spend my whole week trying to get back down, getting nowhere really. I worked out well yesterday after work, with 30 minutes of intervals on the bike and pushups, sit ups, dips, squats, lunges, obliques, and so on... I am taking tonight off since I have volleyball tomorrow and Thursday.

I was hoping also to get to 151 because I am going to be trying out a brand new fish and chips place tonight. I've been eyeing it since I first spotted it a week ago, and the reviews are very good. So I asked a friend to go with me, and I am pretty excited. This means that today I will need to eat light as well, so I don't go overboard with calories.

I am loving being thinner, but not so much liking being in between two pant sizes and therefore not having clothes that fit and not having the money to buy clothes I'll only wear for a month or so. Today, as has become necessary of late, I am wearing leggings to work, ugggghhhh. This is not work appropriate, but my only other option is to wear the same jeans I wear all week or my one skirt that fits (but then I have to wear heels and I don't like that).

Alright, 'nuff whining, I am in a pretty good mood these days actually so rainbows, butterflies and lollipops.

a new week

I am starting over, once again.

After throwing a hissy fit over a couple of pounds all weekend, I am back to it.

I only walked on Friday and gave myself a day off on Saturday. Sunday though, I went to a free cross-fit class, which was pretty great workout wise. I ate a massively enormous brunch, so the rest of the day I merely ate a salad and a few fruits, since my entire brunch was protein/carbs.

I am back down to 152. I am really going to have to push myself this week if I want to achieve my goal or get close to achieving it. Tonight I will have to workout at the gym because indoor vball is still cancelled until next week. Tomorrow I will take the day off and then Wednesday and Thursday I will be playing volleyball.

It's a time of year when I am very sluggish and lazy. If the sun would come out I'd probably be fine, but this grey weather hits me like a bag of bricks. No excuses though. I've come this far, I can't give up so close to my goal... I only have until Christmas after all, and Thanksgiving is on it's way.

Have a great day!

Struggling

After all that excitement about getting so close to 151, and potentially achieving my goal of getting to 150 by next week, AND after eating mostly carefully all week... I am HEAVIER. I have thought of everything: the little desserts I've indulged in, the alcohol, the fewer workouts, muscle gain, salt intake... If it looks like I'm obsessing, it's because I am. I don't know, my moods are all over the place lately and this weight thing is suddenly a huge issue this week.

I find this sudden (slight) jump back up on the scale very mysterious. I had started dropping with exercise, and I did SO much exercise on Thursday. However, the rest of the week I worked out once and played a pretty week set of volleyball. I also took walks, and all this combined is not as much as usual, but still more than enough to at least maintain my weight. I have been extremely careful with all my meals out to include veggies and avoid bad proteins, high fat, etc. I have turned down loads of desserts, while still eating some, but within my calorie requirements... The alcohol could be the culprit, but why only a day later? I ate light yesterday, and not too much salt. The only thing that has changed is a slight "digestive" change without daily kiwis and cereal to move things along faster.

Today I am just not motivated enough to go to the gym. I am looking to give myself a break and start again tomorrow with a new attitude. I will be doing a free cross fit class at a Lululemon store (I just discovered they offer free classes, which is fantastic for broke people looking for new workouts to do).

I ate two kiwis to get my system started (I woke up at 9ish and didn't eat until 1, after grocery shopping, so all I had was about 6 glasses of water). Then I cut up two tiny yellow potatoes and sauteed those with local garlic, I made some asparagus with pepper and lemon and two eggs. It was a very well-proportioned meal and I was careful with the salt and oil/butter.

This evening, I am preparing for a large meal of very healthy and delicious sushi from my favourite place, so I ate a substantial brekkie so I can not eat lunch in between. I will probably snack on a fruit or some veggies in an hour or so. I will spend my evening with my friend who's just had a beaaaaautiful baby girl, and the lovely one herself (Sarah), and then head out later to a club to meet some friends celebrating one of their birthdays.

Alright, back to laundry and resting and moping and feeling sorry for myself for being in a funk. I'll be better in the morning after sleeping on some sashimiiii!

Le bootcamp.

Well I survived :) Actually, it really was not that tough. It WAS proper bootcamp style with lots of push ups, abs, running and squats, but the group was a fun mix of not-so-fit people. I was scared that my trainer's clientele would be insane workout buffs, but instead there were two gay boys, one overweight and the other rake-like, one older man in pretty decent shape and two girls, one who looks good but is out of shape and the other who is quite fit (although she was on one of my favourite local TV shows so she kind of has to be in decent shape too) haha!

At the end, they told me I "was the best one, it was nice to watch". I find that hilarious because no one has ever said I am nice to watch, because when I run I am a little chubby, muscly thing... not some long, graceful runner. And I also make noises when I am struggling through my workout, including light moaning and grunting hahah. Anyway, there were only 6-7 of us this week, but there will be more later on, for now it was just hard enough to be a worthwhile exercise, but not so hard that I puked up my dinner (which I ate at my favourite cafe in the area right before). I also walked to work, walked at lunch, walked to and from the parc for the bootcamp and then walked home from my friend's, for a total of about 2 to 2.5 hours of walking.

In less exciting news, I still weighed in at 152.6 today. Last night I weighed myself (I sometimes do this because I can approximate how much I will weigh in the morning and avoid potential shock, and by the way, this obsessive behaviour WILL stop once I have achieved the goal weight, I know it's too much). I was 153.8. Now, by my usual patterns, that would mean I'd weigh in anywhere between 150.5 and 152, but I was so sure I would get to see 151 for the first time... I blame it on drinking half a bottle of wine last night late. I think I have actually lost the weight, but the late night aspect is what threw things off. There's no way I walked for 2 hours and did a 1-hour bootcamp and ate normally and did not lose a pound.

This is important because I'd like to hit the 150 milestone by October 1, but with my back being out last week and Monday volleyball cancelled for two weeks, this has thrown off my game. Once I hit 150, I will maintain that until Thanksgiving, after which I will begin my Game On! challenge again, this time just with myself. That should help me lose another 7-10 lbs and then the last boost will be leading up to Christmas. This is going to take dedication, which is something I don't have much of these day, because my social life is a major barrier to weight loss (mainly because I see my friends at times when I could workout).

Anyway, all that ranting about a few pounds and I feel ridiculous, but hey, that's what I started all this for...

Summumma beach!

So the Fall beach vball season kicked off last night with a confused, muffled bang.

Up until yesterday, when I logged on the site, I was part of a team called the Goof Balls (I sign up as an individual and they place me on a team). The Goof Balls were supposed to start at 9:20 pm. So I come home from work, thinking I really need to pace myself otherwise I'll go crazy waiting to play. So around 6:15 I started making dinner.

At 6:25 I re-checked the schedule just to be sure, and alas! they switched me to a team comprising all individual registrants, and we would be playing at 6:40!!$$$#!@% So I took my potatoes and eggplant out of the oven, put away my fish and asparagus, and ran out to the courts.

When I got there, my Summer team and my current indoor court team were there, as they formed one team. I was not part of it because I wasn't planning on signing up for beach in the fall until recently. So I met my team. They are very nice people, but not very good at vball. Since it's recreational, I don't get too worried about how people play (it's not like I'm some great player or anything), but I started to get extremely annoyed at one point because being bad = NO MOVEMENT. I do volleyball as exercise, and whenever you play against or with a bad team, you hardly move at all. This takes away all the fun for me. So I was trying to keep a smile on my face, after all, it's only recreational, but I have asked to be switched to a more competitive team. I need a bit more of a challenge in order to improve.

If they don't let me switch, they are offering spots on Thursday's competitive mixed league at half price...so I may end up playing vball 3 nights a week. Once indoor court, twice beach. I am anxious to see what they (they being the league organizers / court owners) say...

I am on track at 152. I was really hoping I would be able to visually see 151 today, but due to the vball confusion, I cooked my dinner when I got home at 8:45 pm, then decided to save it for lunch today at work and instead eat cereal with yogurt and raspberries and coconut and maple syrup mmmmm. Same thing for breakfast today by the way. I also had (last night) one piece of raisin toast with some olive oil margarine. Naturally, since I ate later than usual, my weight isn't as low as it usually is. Also, the minute I stop eating my daily kiwi, the ol' digestive system slows down a little. It's not that I have problems per se, it's just less consistent.

Anyway, I am pretty pleased with myself for 1) restraining from re-injuring my back; and 2)continuing to workout when I am not motivated... I know, the two sort of contradict but hey, that's me.

Tonight I have an outdoor bootcamp class with my ex personal trainer, in a beautiful park after work. He is very nice as a trainer, but I am scared of any class called bootcamp. However, he has been warned about my back and should go easy on me and the beginners.

Take care!