Recovering

Hi people!

So here are the latest updates from my world.

After finally reaching 135 lbs, I did go back up to about a solid 138 (even 142 after Thanksgiving, but after water retention was eased, I would say 137-138 is my stable weight now). I intended to work my ass off hard this week, as well as very hard in preparation for Thanksgiving, but some fairly painful soccer injuries and overall fatigue prevented that. This week I started to get a cold/flu, so I have held back from doing anything more than walking around my apartment and sleeping/reading... I'd love to get back to it, but I need my body to recover.

In the meantime, I finished Ce que le jour doit a la nuit, and it was phenomenal. I am now reading The Kite Runner. I have cried through about half of the 250 pages I've read in the last two days. It is not as carefully written as my last read, but it is powerful no less.

Beach volleyball (indoors at least) seems to have fizzled out and may be closed for good. I am kind of down about that lately, but looking forward trying to figure out what else to do. That was the perfect sport for me, and I was so looking forward to starting 2x2, since I am getting very good at it. I would have eventually liked to compete in tournaments and such... for now, I am playing indoor soccer and my extremely muscular thighs are happy about that and becoming nicely defined. I always hated my big thighs, but thanks in part to a boyfriend who practically worships them, and to having a new appreciation for curvy and even chunky bodies (now that mine is quite lean!), I have begun to embrace my athletic build.

I am off for a quick escape from my dungeon of disease to eat some Lebanese healthy fast food with my boyfriend before he goes to class. Then it's back home for more rest and early sleep.

Did I mention I am starting Portugese classes in less than two weeks? I cannot wait. It will be a challenge, but since it is voluntary, I think I will be up for it, knowing that if I felt like giving up I could and it would take nothing away from my life. That mindset helped me commit to losing weight, eating well, exercising, staying focused on health, etc...

Got to run. Hope you are all staying on track. It' a lifelong ride we're on after all...

oh the rain.

I don't hate rain. but as an outdoor sports and runnning girl, I am feeling pretty blue. I was on a roll with my exercise, and finally reached 135, and now, after days of doing barely any exercise because it's simply too cold and wet (I'd be fine with one or the other, but not both), I am back up on the scale. I've been careful enough food-wise, but every day I wake up and the weather is crap I get more and more frustrated.

The real problem is that I haven't been playing beach volleyball because the management keeps changing, and thus keeps changing the league information, prices, start dates, etc. It now looks like I'll only be playing 1 night a week, 2x2. Luckily, I MIGHT have a great partner, and fingers crossed they stick to the latest info they gave me.

So for the time being, I'm playing indoor soccer once a week, have been trying to run a couple times a week (not with this weather though), and have been subbing on court volleyball and/or playing drop-in beach for the last few weeks. I try to walk at lunch, but this weather (and having to buy my lunches this week) has taken that from me as well.

I am almost done my book, and it is amazing. I am sad that it's ending.

Oh, and I can't wait for my Thanksgiving weekend with my family this weekend. It's also my dad's 65th / retirement party on Saturday, weeeee! I'll probably get one game of squash in, with him, this weekend, but wont have time for much more. Weather permitting I will run. I will!!!!!!

I did it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH (running around waving my arms in the air like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone... I was 135 this morning!!!!

It has only taken about 6 months of work, and the last two months of extra hard work to get here, and I need to barrel through until next weekend, when I go to my parents' house for Thanksgiving.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Progress update

Hi guys!

I hope you're all doing well and still working toward your goals. If not, start again.

I just wanted to write a quickie to say that my non-blogging is NOT a sign that I have fallen off the fitness wagon. Quite the opposite. Since my real goal was overall health and well-being, one of my sub-goals was to read a bit more. Now, I have realized that squeezing reading in means pushing blogging out. I am only ever home in intervals of one hour or less, which means I have to use that time to eat, clean, shower, get dressed, etc. Because of my very busy fitness schedule, I haven't watched TV for more than an hour or so in months, and the 30 minutes of free time I have here and there is used to read some amazing book lately.

Right now it's Ce que le jour doit a la nuit, then it will be The Kite Runner.

As far as weight loss, I am STILL, yes STILL AFTER 6 MONTHS, trying to get below 136. However, in the last two weeks my weight gets to 136 quicker, and I think I'm about to break through, but I hesitate to get excited because Thanksgiving is coming up, along with a host of family functions. I will do my best to stay on track, but I think 135 may be slowly slipping out of my reach in the next month.

I am running, playing as much drop-in vball as I can until the management gets its shit together and the leagues resume, and indoor soccer, which is probably THE single most exerting sport next to squash in terms of cardio.

My life is great, eating is great, working out is great. Everything except the fact a 6-7 year old girl on a school bus greeted me with grimaces and the middle finger yesterday morning. It was a sign of a bad day ahead in hindsight, as I suspected. I hope today will be less unpleasant.

Some "lean" reading and other updates

Hi ho readers!

Before I forget, as I invariably will, here is the ultimate point of this post:

I have NO IDEA how reliable this source is, but I found this article fascinating regardless, and it makes me want to look further into the issue.

http://www.bodyrecomposition.com/muscle-gain/initial-body-fat-and-body-composition-changes.html

I found this as I started researching body composition changes and their effect on various things such as menstrual cycle, hormones, etc.

Why, you ask? Well because my severe PMS problems began emerging about 6 months ago. I can't figure out the reason, except that a friend of mine who suffers from PMDD mentioned that body fat has a lot to do with women's hormone levels, and about 6 months ago was precisely when my body very obviously started becoming more muscular and the fat started leaning out.

I lost the bulk of my fat (50 lbs) throughout 2010, and a little of it in late 2010-early 2011. But the most visible changes in my shape and muscularity(?) started when I dropped to my lowest weight and began muscle training. Finally my very large breasts caught up with the rest of my body and shrank, after not shrinking much throughout the bulk of my weight loss.

Now I am questioning whether my perceived hormonal changes are largely the result of my now very athletic body type. I believe I am about 22-24% body fat according to a BMI reader (which can be off by as much as 10%), and that is "perfect" for a woman in good health. By no means do I look extremely skinny, because I am very muscle-dense, especially in my bottom half. My arms/chest are very lean.

Anyway, now I feel I'm losing concentration (thanks to PMS) and rambling, so change of topic.

I am still frustratingly at 137-138. Mysteriously, while my weight had started dropping, it appears to have stopped just short of passing 136 again. FUUUUUUUUCKNUTS! Oh well. I keep on keepin-on because I'm quite pleased with my body these days thanks to all the hard work/play I am putting in to stay in shape, and eating almost all healthy meals at home.

Otherwise life is good except my mood swings, but after charting for 2 months, I am starting to see patterns emerge (though further charting will be needed to confirm that), namely that Day 21 of my cycle is the WORST by a long shot for emotional issues...and guess what today is... one guess. DAY 21! I nearly ripped off people's heads this morning, but swallowed my rage and have tried to focus on getting through the day with everyone else unscathed.

clearly we are on a break

Hi gentle readers... what's left of you.

I just wanted to check in to let you know not to fret, I am very much staying on track, just seem to be averse to writing these days.

Here's a brief summary of my life as it stands at the moment:

1. In between everything, I have been reading The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz. Almost done, then will start up Ce que le jour doit a la nuit. It's nice to be taking the time to read again (hence my lack of time for blogging).
2. I have been up and down between 140 and 136, but since I've been making home food more and more, it's easier for me to stay at 137-138. If I stop jumping back up every weekend, I might one day manage to break 135. I am hopeful yet.
3. I have been playing vball twice weekly, soccer once a week, running about 1-2 times a week weather permitting, and enjoying a healthy stream of romantic gymnastics with my boyfriend on the weekends. So exercise, as usual, is no problem.
4. I've been feeling amazingly this week as far as my body is concerned. Must be hormonal. Ha!
5. My boyfriend is doing this impossible fitness challenge, most of which would be quite impossible for me with my build (it's geared to upper-body strong men), but the final step is to do a 30-second stationary hand-stand. So I have challenged myself to learn to do that, since that's the one thing he can't do either, so we can practice together. I've become a little obsessed and (like him) am constantly thinking (oooh, loook at thaaat, I could do a handstand there).
6. My emotional state is being monitored/charted daily so I can figure out why I get depressed randomly but usually around PMS time, to see if it's PMDD or PME.

Okay, I'm off to volleyball. Wish me a smashing good time!

gurgle.

My tummy's been upset for the last day and I spent yesterday afternoon off sick from work to rest. I still haven't figured out if I am actually sick or this is post-weekend-indulgence indigestion and exhaustion... but I'm not taking any chances, so I am eating very bland food today.

This past weekend I got to see friends from Quebec City, from Toronto, my parents, my boyfriend... and last night, my close friend who just got back from a vacation in Lebanon.

Tonight, after soccer, I'll be going to a friend's house for a clothing swap (a bunch of people bringing all their unwanted clothes to a party for possible exchange...eee). I barely have any clothes left from my heavier days, but the nicer stuff will be brought, and I hope I will find some interesting stuff (I always love other people's clothes!!)

After getting down to 137 last week, then all the way up to 142 yesterday from weekend bloat, I am back to 138 after eating VERY lightly yesterday and hydrating. I am hoping to be very disciplined here until I leave for Toronto for the weekend, then in Toronto just make sure to be a little careful, so when I get back, I can begin really trying harder to get past 135. I was so close.

Okay, off to work. gurgle.

word of the day: borborygmus (I might be spelling it wrong, but look it up. I use it all the time now hahaha)

In response to Drazil's post about power over food...

Amen sister!

For those of you who are not Drazil (a follower of my blog with a hilarious blog of her own), her post today was about how we have very little control over our little universi, with the exception of our bodies.

In response to her blog, I wanted to make some notes about why I fully agree.

When it comes down to it, we take the hand we're dealt, and can make do with it as we wish, within our means. The problem is, most people accept average, and average tends to be lazy and unhealthy.

I decided to cope with depression and anger and all the resulting health problems (ones that are within my control, since I'm aware that some health problems seem to appear out of nowhere) by making my physical person as perfect as possible. By perfect, I do not mean visually, but in its ability to work FOR ME.

I generally feed myself foods that serve a purpose AND please my mouth, thus fulfilling energy requirements and mood-related needs. I do not deprive myself, but must exercise extremely challenging restraint at times because I indulge a lot.

People keep asking me what "my secret" is. This mindset makes me want to punch people. You know why? Because it is NOT EASY losing weight and becoming fit. It just isn't. It might be easy to lose the first 10-15 lbs, but that is precisely where most people stop, and usually gain back the weight and start over. It takes support, motivation, ass-kicking, whining, deprivation, anger, energy and some degree of intelligence to power through and lose all the weight, put on all the muscle or maintain one's figure.

How do I explain to someone the years of emotional damage that gave me the motivation to do this? I want to shake them and say it's now or never, it's your body, and it's your choice. You either do it today or you don't. Every day you don't is one less day to try. If you don't do it, stop feeling guilty about it and live it up. If you do, be prepared for a long, ongoing journey that will affect every aspect of your life.

In my case, I can clearly and without question say that the happy life I am leading right now is a direct result of me taking such good care of myself. I have more energy for the people around me. Oh and did I ever mention that the "ex-personal trainer" I've been referring to since day 1 in this blog now happens to be my boyfriend, and the man of my dreams?

I know this kind of perfect lifestyle pairing can't happen to everyone, but it goes to show that no matter how much I thought I didn't deserve "great", when I treated myself as great, everything wonderful fell in my lap. I am rejoicing in it while it lasts...I controlled something, and then everything else fell into place.

Try it. Try just controlling you from the bottom up. First with the way you treat your body and the words you say to yourself, then expand that outwardly and good things will happen.

wow. this post was weird. but I totally get what I mean. I just hope y'all do too heh!

Pound down!

137.2 this morning and thrilled. Eating homemade food makes a big difference, and I feel like I'm even eating more.

Yesterday I pigged out on a bunch of Kit Kat bars someone brought back from Japan, in all kinds of interesting flavours. I didn't have a heavy dinner, but after my soccer game (I played the entire game, no subs) I also downed half a carton of 1% chocolate milk... the only time I enjoy milk.

The weather is amazing today, and I think I'll go for a long run tonight before heading over to meet my parents at my aunt's house. They're in town to help out with some family stuff. Did I mention I went for a run last uhhhh Friday or Saturday, and it had been a long time, but I EASILY ran for about an hour, and felt like I could have kept running for 20 more minutes easily if I hadn't had things to do? I did. It felt amazing. Goes to show that's it's good to take a break sometimes.

Alright, I am off to treat myself to a big cafe mocha at my local cafe and then go to work. I made myself a nice "salad" of tuna, garden cherry tomatoes and cucumbers, sundried tomatoes, a pinch of sea salt and pepper, lemon, oil from the sundried tomatoes, and a teaspoon of mayo and mustard. I am bringing crackers and an apple to accompany that. Breakfast was a banana/PB/almond milk/Greek yog and spinach smoothie, with Kashi High Fibre cereal in it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Who ever said healthy eating couldn't be fun!

Okay, good day all!

everything looks better in the light of day

Well I am feeling better this morning. Yesterday, as the day went on I was feeling increasingly tired (having been woken up all weekend by neighbourhood antics at 3-4am). I napped, then volleyball was cancelled so I vegged out and went to bed early. Now I am feeling less anxious and down.

We had hailstorms yesterday, and this morning it is raining again, so I hope it ends before tonight's soccer game. I was doing so well exercise-wise. Mind you, I could have gone for a run in between storms yesterday (and thought about it briefly), but I gave myself a break. I can't do the same tonight, not in the mindframe I'm in lately, or it's a slippery slope.

This morning I am enjoying a smoothie that includes the following: no fat Greek yog (organic/probiotic since there was no regular left), a banana, pomegranate juice, a dash of boathouse mixed berry juice, spinach and a scoop of Vega Whole Food Optimmizer berry flavour. A half scoop equates to a snack replacement, since two scoops is a full meal.

I also made a beautiful ham sandwich for lunch. I say beautiful because instead of the standard ham, aged cheddar, semi-dry bread and mayo and traditional Dijon, I added spinach, a tomato out of my bf's parents' garden and salt and pepper.

Lately I've been eating way more dairy in the form of cheese, chocolate milk (post sports), some milk and yogurt. I've been breaking out, so now I am trying to cut it back to just yogurt and cheese and no milk unless it's a small amount and not daily. I've had issues with milk in the past, but I am self-diagnosing, so I'm in a process of trial and error. My main reason for the increase was to boost my calcium because apparently that helps with PMS symptoms.

Okay, I have to leave for work now, sorry for cutting this short. In sum, I think I'll have to take Calcium supplements instead.

hmmft!

So many things, oh so many things to say, and no desire to spend the time saying them.

Here is a summary, just so I don't fall completely off the face of the planet:

1. Weight: Successfully got back to 137 and will work hard to surpass that this week. Have been making positively sure to get in some exercise every day, mildly, and more intense actual workouts 6 days a week. I'm walking at lunch and doing all the other stuff I do basically.

2. Food: Progressively eating more homemade meals.
3. Mood: Coping with some fairly difficult feelings right now and always trying to find a reason and a solution. For now I am journaling my physical and emotional changes throughout the month, and trying to keep communication lines open and honest with those around me. I don't know what's going on in my mind, but it sucks being in it these days.

4. Lots of revelations this week, and more nights being awakened by crime on my street at precisely 3 am. I won't even explain what I saw last week, but it was mildly traumatic to see, and since then I have been on edge around sleepy time. I am actually starting to consider moving again...ugggh. I would want to stay in the same hood, but definitely further away from the bars.

I feel like all kinds of things are happening around me as I stand still. It's mostly good, some bad, and some just plain odd. Meanwhile I am here in the eye of a storm that isn't touching me, trying to figure out why I feel so sad when everything is perfect.

oh well. I guess that is my lot in life. they've always said you can't have it all.

a bike ride and a cool breeze

Bon! C'est fait! I had my vintage-feel-but-not-actually-vintage-super-awesome bike tuned up and took it for a long spin yesterday... gee whi that's neat!

I rode all the way across town to see some friends, and then back home, and it felt amazing.

The unfortunate thing is always the one or two drivers who don't see you coming, but I ride really slowly and almost always follow the rules, unlike many cyclists here who seemingly have a death wish. I was a little nervous riding through main streets (I haven't used my bike downtown on a weekday in years), since I mainly use my bike for leisurely excursions along the waterline in summertime.

I'd like to start riding more to get from A to B, but I'm too scared to lock it up on the street it's so pretty. Bikes are a hot commodity in most cities, so I don't take many risks.

In good news, I've been 138.2 for two days, and I know that with about 10% more discipline I am probably actually 136-137 lbs (having many beverages late at night will shift the numbers hahah, I know... nitpicking...but a girl's gotta try right?).

So I am continuing to push push push. Wish me luck EVER getting past 135 please, I need all the help I can get!

updates

Hi guys,

Excuse my habitual absence. This time I can say that it has not meant I haven't been pushing myself hard. First of all, here is my workout routine lately:

Mon-Thurs: Beach volleyball
Tuesday: Started playing soccer last week
Wednesday/Saturday/Sunday: usually some bootcamp once a week, and running on the other days weather permitting, or trying out something new like Aussie football
Friday: my day off :)

There are other forms of physical activity that would not be proper to mention, but let's say my weekends are intense physically ;)

Food-wise, I've pushed myself just a little to try to bring in lunches a few times a week, and eat at least two homemade meals per day. For my takeout meals, I choose hearty salads, meal replacement shakes, or otherwise balanced meals that include carbs, protein and veggies.

I am at 139 still, but I am looking a lot more muscular these days. For now, I am very pleased. I would love to be a little leaner to see more muscle, but there is the issue of having a bit of extra skin from the weight loss. So I'm not sure I can lose much more weight without having flab, despite my very-fitness.

Anyway, mentally I am feeling good. I've had some random ups and downs and I am keeping a close eye on my emotional health these days. But being rested helps me a lot. I've been waking up earlier, more easily lately, and have been feeling generally more energetic. The exception was in the past few weeks when the noise from my street was keeping me up every night.

Alright. I'm going to finish my fruit smoothie (blueberries, blackberries, greek yogurt, walnuts, mango juice, water and Vega Whole Food Optimizer-half scoop-) and homemade espresso from grains bought at my local cafe. So goooooooood.

have a wonderful day!

the ups and downs

oh the ups and downs. I am kind of getting tired up being so up and then so down. I often wish I was someone who doesn't reflect on, question, over-analyze (read obsess) everything. Life could be so grand, so simple, and I could just enjoy all that I have. I have a lot of blessings. A lot of luck. Yet my silly brain makes everything hurt so much, even the little things.

I admire those who are tougher. I know this sensitivity of mine also has many upsides, but it is sometimes just too much to bear over so little.

This is not meant to be a depressing blog, more contemplative, but I just had to say it out loud that no matter how good I feel sometimes, or how good I look, I can't shake my insecurities, anxieties and obsessive thoughts about my inadequacies. It's completely illogical because my career, my friends, my family should be enough evidence that I am not deficient, and NO ONE is deficient. We are who we are. Unfortunately, applying that reasoning when I am in pain over the thought of losing everything is a challenge at best.

On a lighter note, I am still playing volleyball, running (less lately to give my hip and knees a break), and trying new things. Tomorrow, I am starting to play soccer again for the first time in many, many years. I played for 11-12 years, and I miss it oh so much. I am playing in a recreational league with a good friend of mine, since his team needed more girls. Since the season's already begun, the league will let me play for free too, yippeeeeee!

Food-wise, I'm about one-third of the way to where I want to be: I am eating all breakfasts at home and EITHER lunch or dinner at home every day, but I am still buying out one meal a day. It's mostly healthy, but still...

This may sound super cold (trust me it's not, but I'm tired and just thought of mentioning this bu want to wrap up and hit the sack)... my aunt was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer and is suffering a lot right now. So are my sick grandmother and aunt who live with her. In all this, it is pushing me more than ever to treat my body "as a temple" as they say, and to really enjoy my life. Out of every bad, there should come some good, you just have to figure out the point of it all.

So here's wishing you all seize the day!

satisfaction

Hi munchkins.

Sitting here, enjoying a "meal replacement" smoothie which isn't really replacing much because I still put in Greek yog, spinach and plenty of fruit on top of the Vega Whole Food Optimizer (berry). I am testing out this product as well as the Vega Sport Performance Optimizer to see what it all does. I've never been one to replace real food with powders and gunk like this, but I am trying something different.

My weight loss seems to have stalled permanently around 139-140 (we'll see when aunt flo leaves) but with all the extra working out and careful eating, my body is getting very toned. My boyfriend said my back is very toned, and I have noticed my arms and thighs and abs are looking different. I am going to keep this up for a few more weeks and then take a few days off. I've worked out every single day this week, so I will need to decide on a day off sometime soon haha. Monday-Thursday were beach vball plus walking, Tuesday a 50-minute run, Wednesday was Aussie Football (something I had never seen played before and was trying out) and tonight I may go to a gym.

Speaking of Aussie Football, I went to the practice of a local team. Since the sport requires many, many players, they leave their practices open to anyone since it's not a very big sport here. Almost everyone playing was Australian, and everyone was friendly and helpful. I did have a pretty awesome kick to begin with, and my handpass isn't bad, but there's a lot to thinnk about at the same time, and so it may take a long time for me to learn the intricacies of the game.

One piece of great news is that I am finally starting to really make a dent in my debt load accumulated over the last 4 years of bad decision making, and with each slice I knock off, I feel a load off my shoulders. I am starting to be able to breathe again... yes.

some new things

This week has been a bit hellish in its own very special way, but all's well that ends well I say, ad nauseam(sp.?)

I went through some major, major PMS issues, had some family health scares, arguments with the ex, and other odds and ends that were nothing short of frustrating to deal with. On the flip side though, I had two nights of good sleep and hope to get another tonight now that the weather's cooled off. I've been amazing when it comes to exercise, and pretty much amazing when it comes to eating, EXCEPT that I've managed to keep my weight down AND enjoy ice cream almost every day for the last two weeks. I have redeveloped an addiction, but this time it is much more contained, controlled and responsible. I feel no guilt. None. Now that, my friends, is progress.

I'm now charting every feeling or symptom of whatever that I have, for the next three months, to see if I do indeed suffer from PMDD, or if it's really just PMS aggravating a pre-existing condition. Only time, and careful note-taking, will tell.

So tonight I decided to bite the bullet and give Aussie football a try. I've been invited several times on this site I am a huge advocate of called trainingmobs.com. Have been since it began last year. Anyway, I keep turning down the invitations because Wednesday night is rarely good for me, but I decided tonight was the night. Turns out, it was quite fun to learn, and I am not bad at all! It calls on similar skills to those used in basketball, soccer, volleyball and football (I am good at volleyball and soccer, terrible at the other two, but the KEY skills are those that come from my sports of choice). Most of the players were extremely friendly and helpful Aussies who've recently moved here and needed this little piece of home.

I am off to bed shortly. Am slightly bloated, but eating well and keeping my weight down. Still need to try harder on the food end though to manage to lose any more pounds, but for now my body's getting firmer again and I am very much liking the results.

Power to you!

sorry kiddies

I'm sorry I haven't been writing more. I've been keeping my weight down, eating fairly well and even starting to cook a little again. Also working out like mad. Unfortunately I have some stuff going on and I've been exceptionally tired. Just wanted to check in and let you know I am still pushing forward. I'm actually quite proud that I've managed to keep up with the exercise while I was so down and unmotivated.

Alright, gotta jet to work early, have a wonderful day!

pardon the interruption...

It is 3 am. I am awake. I am angry at being awake. I am angry because I am depressed and haven't slept properly all week and I am finally able to sleep well and I get woken up by some asshole punching through the windows of the car parked outside my apartment, trying to break in. The moron thinks noone will see him when it's the loudest noise he just made, and his hand was bleeding. I yelled at him saying "I sure hope that's your own car" and he took off. Now I cannot sleep.

The Laws of the Hood.

I live in a neighbourhood that's up and coming, meaning it's still pretty dodgy at times. During the daytime, the atmosphere is totally different and it is amazing. At nighttime however, you wont catch me going for a stroll. Since I have moved here I have noticed a pattern: I get woken up at least once a week by someone screaming, vomiting, blasting music, fighting, breaking into cars, smashing a window, etc... ALWAYS AT THREE-IN-THE-EFFING-AYYY-EMMMMM!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS. always.

I cannot express how relieved I am that I returned my leased car yesterday given this morning's events. I also cannot express my frustration at this wannabe car thief and all the trashy punks that feel the need to be loud at all hours... no I rephrase...at THIS (3AM) hour of the morning specifically, cutting into my best sleep.

PARDON MY FRENCH BUT FFFAAAAAAAAHHHHHCK.

Okay, I suppose I should go back to sleep. It's hard sometimes to fall back asleep after these crazy things happen.

in case you're wondering what's got me down...

Bear in mind, I am self-diagnosing after about 5 months of self-observation (without journal), but I am about 98% sure this is what's wrong with me. I have no physical symptoms except in the very hours right before it begins, but ALL the mood-related symptoms for the 5-11 days pre-period, which cease almost immediately after my period starts. It's a fantastic feeling (note sarcasm).

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004461/

blah.

:(

feeling blue for a few reasons. don't feel like writing much.

Don't worry, I am keeping up with all my crazy exercising, socializing and work, and still being very careful about food even though I'm not making home meals.

courage to all of you.

:)