Improvements

Hi. I am 148 point something this morning but I ate Indian food very late last night so I figure my weight is really still at about 146.5 "en temps normal".

I am feeling mostly better. I went to a different gym yesterday: one that's closer to work, fancier, and much busier. I don't really like it, but I could get used to it for now until I'm better equipped to go back to my regular spot.

After doing a 30 minute run on treadmills that are so different from the older ones at my regular gym that I could barely figure them out, I did 15 pullups in 3 sets of 5. Unfortunately, I managed to badly pull a muscle in my neck and now cannot look to the left or upward (which means Hairy has to crouch down to my level for a kiss now :) It feels a bit better this morning, so that's promising.

Here's an interesting article:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/story/2013/01/30/obesity-weight-loss-myths.html

checking in

Hi there!

I am gradually starting to feel better. I am making a conscious effort to counter any instincts to put myself down, and trying to frame things more realistically. I still feel "grey," slow and forgetful, but filling my time with distractions really helps. I will make my way back to the gym today, but a different gym, across from my work, for the time being. For now I sometimes force myself to think about the source of my fear and tell myself there is no threat, it means nothing, and my fear is the problem, not the object of it.

I am holding at 146.8 today, but I did go for a walk at lunch. I am trying to reintegrate my old habits from last year. Eating more homemade meals too. Hairy has been helping me through all this and we have been watching the entire "The Office" series. We are finally at the part when Jim kisses Pam, eeee.

I read a book called Free Will by Sam Harris. It's a sort of essay in plain language and is pretty interesting. I found one his others, entitled Lying, for Kindle for $3 and will read it soon. I also recently finished Life of Pi and thought it wrapped up nicely.

And in case you are wondering, my top movie picks for 2012 are Detachment and Max and Mary (or Mary and Max). In light movies, I'd say "The Mechanic" for action, Friends with Kids and Away we Go. In oddly un-techy science fiction..."Never let me go"... WOW as a writer/editor I realize how shitty that was in terms of proper use of italics, quotation marks, etc. But I just got lazy and need to leave for work now.

Gotta run.

...

I just wanted to check in to say hello.

I was 146.0 this morning. I am eating normally but haven't been back to the gym or work since the "incident" and am now trying to figure out how to face my fear so I can move forward.

I have had a bad few days and want to thank everyone for being understanding. It appears so many smart, funny, beautiful people I know have deep-seated insecurities and fears. They manifest themselves in so many different ways. Some, like me, have all our emotions right at the surface like exposed nerves. Others shift their focus or bury their feelings. Others have the good sense to force themselves to let it go. It is essentially a control issue in my case. I cannot accept things that I absolutely cannot control.

I guess it's like everything, I need to practice every day, and eventually it will be my normal.

So I am taking one last day of rest to build up the strength to deal with my everyday life--this really makes it sounds like my life is awful, which is anything but the case.

I took a long walk alone in the cold, sunny air yesterday and it did me some good. I may not be able to handle the gym just yet, but there are still other ways for me to take care.

Now I need to go eat lunch and then nap. I hope you are all doing well, even if I may be out of touch.

speechless

146.2 today. bleh. I am in my workout gear eating breakfast and getting ready to go attempt working out.

I have a specific kind of anxiety that most of my readers already know about and others may not. I prefer not to get into it, except to say that this week, I was confronted with this anxiety at my gym and it is something I will have to face over and over again. To avoid the source of my stress I would need to change gyms, which would likely end with the same thing happening over again.

This week has been a bad week. I cannot give more details or it will unleash emotions I am too exhausted to deal with at the moment. I believe that maybe the anxiety attacks are so much worse since I lost my aunt this week, since they're generally worse when I am in a bad state (extra tired, PMS, depressed, etc.). I thought I was coping well with losing my aunt, but I am completely unable to manage my own emotions over things especially one thing. I am so frustrated.

I don't know why I care what happens to other people, but I often wonder if other people have something that makes them feel totally and completely inadequate. On the one hand, I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone, because it's a problem that is extremely hard to escape/eliminate; but on the other, I would would feel comforted knowing other people have had this and overcame it.

I am working on it, but even though the really bad attacks only happen once in a while, when they do come on, it feels like it has been constant for my entire life. I need to continue to exercise, eat well, sleep well and work on my brain and thought patterns, but right now I just feel like I am crumbling.

bumpy road

145.8 this morning, so I am headed in the right direction, albeit slowly.

It has been a bumpy week, emotionally speaking. Fortunately I have Hairy to try and calm me. I was in a good mood most of yesterday, just long enough to have a great workout: 40 minutes on the treadmill with 35 minutes running progressively faster and 15 pull ups.

I went to pick up our organic produce and made a soup without any pre-made broth or store-bought stuff. It was decent for a first try at making it really on my own, but I will try to make better ones in the future. It was made with a tomato juice (made just of local tomatoes and salt) the farm includes in our baskets. From there, I added an onion--I cut an onion for the first time in my LIFE yesterday by the way!!!--garlic, green cabbage, potatoes, carrots, kidney beans, chickpeas, curry, sea salt from Portugal :), pepper, cayenne pepper sauce, hot peppers, spinach... I think that is all. I pureed it and it was good, but nothing more.

I wont work out tonight and instead I'll rest and try to get my emotions in order. Tomorrow I will hit the gym though, hopefully stronger.

I am starting to really need new workout pants and tops and another sports bra once again. Why aren't clothes built to last? My Lululemon ones bought a few years back have been repaired but are coming apart again, though they did far better than the adidas ones I bought maybe six months ago, which developed holes instantaneously. My tops are getting tighter around the tummy. Even though I try not to buy clothes that are bigger because I want to maintain my weight, I also have to feel confident and comfortable when I work out or I get fidgety and distracted and discouraged.

I have to get going. Have a good one.

In case I've confused you.

The last three posts are old drafts I had never published. They range from 2010 to late 2011 and are a funny reminder that at one time I was THRILLED to be 146.

It also reminds me how it took one year to lose 40 pounds, and almost another whole year to lose 10.

So in case you're wondering why my weight seems to be rapidly fluctuating, the last post from this week is "Reset" and the others between that and this one are old.

I just thought I'd post them since I don't really know why they were saved as drafts and never posted.

Good news.

My T.O.M. arrived smack in the middle of vball last night, but the good news is that this morning, while bloated from my first day of my T.O.M, I was 144.8!! I know that's pretty much 145, but it's NOT 145, NOR 146 or 147, and therefore is an improvement.

I anticipate, if all goes smoothly, that I'll be 144 solid by tomorrow.

eeeeee!

grey days

normally grey weather has me down. For some reason unknown to me I am feeling just nice and calm and a little sleepy, in a good way.

A friend had VIP tickets to the Rogers Cup semi-finals and invited me. I've never followed tennis, but I was looking forward to it. Instead, we sat in a VIP lounge drinking espressos and chatting as we kept waiting for the next update about the rain delays every 30 minutes. Oddly, I found this fun. The only time we got to see the players was when they were warming up, and to please the angry mob, they kicked a micro soccer ball back and forth over the net and also played tennis doing all kinds of goofy tricks. It was amusing while it lasted, and then we were back in the tent.

So even though this weekend could be considered a bust, I think I needed to do nothing. I have been at home since early this afternoon and have worked out, showered, cleaned, eaten and am vegging and watching television now. I have been in silence since my roommate went out, and have even muted the TV for a bit to write this calmly.

I am on track with my weight loss. After the challenge ended about two weeks ago my lowest weight was 153. If my math is right, I should be back down to 154 tomorrow morning (I went up to 159 on my week off eating well and working out). If I can under 150 without doing the challenge again soon, I will be a happy girl. I am aiming to do the challenge once more in late September or possibly after Thanksgiving in October to lose what will likely be the most difficult weight to lose, the final 10 lbs. I am aiming to get to 140 or less. Less would only be better because that gives me room for winter/Thanksgiving/Christmas weight, before I get back into things in January. Unlike many people, I am highly motivated in winter, and am not one of those who gives up after a few weeks of working out as a New Year's resolution. I DO give up for many other reasons throughout the year (not this year though :), but winter is my peak time in terms of willingness to workout.

My long term plan is 15 or more lbs gone by December, then after Christmas I will try to take a vacation somewhere in a bikini to get a nice tan and relax after some of the most hellish years of my young life. Then, my task for 2011, to cement all the work that I have done, is to work on toning. However, if it gets to a point where I am ever drinking protein shakes and literally weighing my food, please put me out of my misery, because to me that is not living. I'm a bit of a perfectionist in some ways, but I also want to be able to enjoy a nice soft layer of feminine fat on my body and the beauty that comes from being a happy, well-fed person.

Alright, I'm off to relax some more. I just hope this weather clears up by Wednesday for volleyball. Oh, did I mention I will be trying out regular court volleyball for the Fall? It's cheaper, and it will be something different. I'm pretty excited since I'll be playing with some people I met at beach.

I did it!

Well pretty much!

I was 136.4 this morning, HOORAHHHH! Right before leaving for Rome and the last time I'll see a scale until I get back, which might be scary.

I wanted to be 135 by the time I left, but just getting to 136 has been a bit of a fight, so I am thrilled. That means 50 lbs lost as of today, the day I leave on my well-deserved reward vacation. BOOYAHHH!!

reset

yesterday was a bad day, a sad day. Today will be better. I will make it be better.

I was 146.4 this morning. I worked out just a bit last night. Like I said, it was a sad day, so on some down days when I get choked up, I cannot really run on the treadmill. I managed to do 25 minutes with 10 minutes of jogging, 30 box jumps, 24 push ups (half of those bringing one knee to chest), and then stretching. Oh yeah, and handstands.

Today is organic food basket delivery day, eeeee. My apartment seems to make food rot faster than normal, so we need to get some paper bags or some other solution to keep humidity out. We lost many a good veg last week...

This is the first week since the week before Christmas that I will have worked five days in a row. The good thing is that this week has been crazy busy. The day before last it was crazy with bad stuff happening, yesterday was crazy but in a not-bad way, in the sense that I just had one project to do after another and one question after another, yet no real obstacles got in the way of me. I hope today and tomorrow will be the same and I can relax on the weekend. Perhaps go see my parents before they head back home, we'll see...

Have a nice day!

Oh, I will be working out tonight as well. And I tried a new food place at lunch called Frais (another pricey sandwich and salad place but a good one at least). Since my Indian food lunch was cancelled, I ended up feeding my emotions with a brownie and mocha instead. I know, I suck at this losing weight stuff, but I WILL get there, I will I swear it.

RIP

146.2 this morning because I ate a salad for lunch and a smoothie for dinner. I was supposed to go to Portuguese class, but I ended up not going after a lengthy debate with my inner self.

I woke up in a sad mood yesterday. My morning was alright, I was in an ambivalent state. Then, as things got hectic at work and I, along with many others, began to make mistakes on every project, which is something that doesn't happen often. Since I was in an already sad state, I ended up in the ladies restroom with a burst of tears, then after a few seconds, dried myself up and got back to it, just yearning for the day to end. During that momentary lapse of emotional control, I thought to myself, I wonder if my aunt is dying right now. All day I had felt like she was going to leave.

After deciding not to go to class, I went home and tried to calm down. At 5:30 my dad called me to tell me my aunt had passed away at 2 p.m. (about 20 minutes earlier than my outburst). She died holding her mother's and oldest sister's hands, and had been surrounded by loved ones for weeks. I am happy she can rest peacefully now, along with those who cared for her over the last few years. I'll miss her sense of humour and the fact she loved her nieces and nephews no matter how shitty we could be.

I am going to work today because I prefer not to think about this right away. I always need some time to digest things. I just hope work goes well and I can finish off the week relatively calmly.

Having Indian buffet for a good friend's birthday lunch today, so I'll need to do damage control pre- and post-face-stuffing. I will likely go to the gym tonight, if I don't have some sudden outburst later in the day :)

Have a nice day.

day whatever

It's Day I don't know what and I am at 147.5, still. No shocker there. But I had a great workout yesterday. I didn't make myself workout a long time, but everything I did had an energy to it that I haven't felt in a long time.

Today I have Portuguese class, so I'll hit the gym again tomorrow. As for food, still inconsistent but focusing on small changes like no more beverages loaded with calories unless I'm considering part of the meal. Also taking stairs more, etc.

Gotta run, sooo behind on a bunch of things I forgot to do yesterday.

shorthand

Little time to write.

148.6 lbs today. Disappointment. Ate McDonald's on weekend but had a delicious organic roast chicken with rapini last night.

Getting back into working out, but family business beckons and things are all over the place at the moment. I am fine, thank you to all those who inquired by the way :)

Brought my lunch to work, unfortunately it is minus 1000 degress outside (okay, more like -19C) and I will have to mall-walk.

Taking the stairs more and trying not to sit on metro, but sat today to get out of people's way.

Gotta go. This year is NOT getting off to a good start in terms of fat loss.

comme ci comme ca

147 this morning (in my defense I was back to 146.5 yesterday after my pasta binge the previous evening)... but I also ate a big plate of pasta last night. Quite frankly though it's because we having nothing but veggies and carbs in the house and no proteins I wanted, and I am sick of eating take-out food even if I've been eating the healthy stuff.

I worked out after work: 45 minutes on the treadmill with 40 minutes running, followed by 15 dips, 12 or so chin ups, some handstands (yes, handstands are part of my workout), about 80 mountain climbers, and then stretching. I also tried to see how much I could bench press, after seeing Hairy's friend lift 115-lb freeweights on either arm. I managed to lift 25 lbs (50 in total) for seven reps, and I thought I was strong, but man was that rough.

Today I am in a little bit of pain from the handstands (it's like riding a bike, except the pain is in the traps instead of my ass). I will go workout in a few minutes and then hit the saunaaaaaahhhhh! Yessss.

I just had my favourite breakfast smoothie (I have cut back on this since I'm working out less and it's fairly high calorie / protein, but makes a great pre-workout breakfast): no fat Greek yog, blueberries, spinach, a banana, peanut butter, a shot of espresso, almond milk, a spoonful of cacao, and after blending, two scoops of "Aphrodisiac" oatmeal cereal, which is delishusssssss. It may sound weird but it's like a PB-banana-coffee smoothie and you can't taste the rest.

I have to share something a little sad right now. My aunt is dying of cancer and has been fading quickly for the last few weeks. I just received a text saying she is unresponsive right now, so I am going to try to workout quickly and move up my plans to get out there earlier in the day than planned. The reason I wanted to mention this on the blog is because after three years, I have noticed something that is too uncanny not to speak of. I have had several dreams about my teeth falling out or being injured and weak and damaged. Every time I have one of these dreams, I am informed of bad news about someone's health. When I had my first dream like this, I had mentioned it to people and all of them told me it's a bad omen. I don't necessarily believe in dream interpretation, but it's starting to get creepy since I had a dream like that this past night, and as I brushed my teeth I said I should brace myself because I am probably about to get bad news about my aunt.

The upside is that it hasn't necessarily meant death. When I had my first dream like this a few years ago, I received a phone call telling me my grandma was in the hospital with two weeks to live. Two years or so later and she looks beautiful and energetic as ever, though her heart is very weak (you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at her though). Another time, there were several people ill but none of them died. My aunt is unresponsive, which is to be expected now, but I am hopeful I'll have time to make it there to say goodbye...

On that note, I need to go take care of my own health for a little bit. Off I go back to the gym.

Can someone boost me back onto this horse?

It's Day... whatever... and I am starting again. I will go to the gym tonight after having the dreaded three-day break. I always go in telling myself "if you do just 10-20 minutes, that's okay," and inevitbly end up doing more. Mind games baby, it's all about the mind games. It's actually amazing how you can be fully aware you are playing mind tricks and yet still fall for it.

I have been careful about what I eat all week except my pasta breakdown the other night. It's the working out I am finding difficult to stick to. For me, routine is the only thing that keeps me together. If I break the routine, everything gets messed up. People have criticized me a lot for having to be so anal about working out, eating or sleeping at specific times, but that is what holds everything together: the routine.

Last year I tried to relax the routine to give myself and my loved ones more time, and preserve energy. I dropped organized sports, started saying 'no' to some events/jobs, etc. But I never succeeded in losing or even maintaining my weight that way, I gained 10 lbs while consistently trying to lose weight.

I need to find the middle ground, and I believe it's this: I need to remember all the little things I did to maintain / lose weight when I first started out. I never drank anything with calories in it (water and espresso and tea basically), I snacked ONLY on healthy treats, I chose my meals at restaurants in advance, I only went to restaurants once a week, I resisted bread at home and almost never ate pasta except on rare occasions, I walked at every lunch regardless of the weather, and I never sat on the metro/subway and always took the solid stairs. I will try to start applying this stuff more again, that should at least allow me to maintain.

The losing part takes more than this, especially since beach volleyball was just about the best workout ever and gives you a sexy body unlike most other similarly-intense sports, which make me look more butch :)

Alright, enough whining about my weight. It's not all bad anyway; I do feel much prettier now that my cookie pimples are all gone from my Christmas junk food fiesta.

Off to work I go I go. It's FRI-DAYYYYYY!

sa-sa-sa-saboteuse.

I was 148 this morning damnit. I ordered what turned out to be a not-so-tasty, fancy mac n' cheese for dinner last night, after being good all day. My only excuse is that dinner was very late for me and my willpower gets weaker the longer I stay hungry. I was this close to choosing a healthier option when, BAM!, there I went and spit out the words "I'll have the mac please." Argh.

It really is a constant fight with myself NOT to take the fattiest thing on the menu. At home things are much more balanced.

That said, I had a delicious salad for lunch and asked for just oil and vinegar, and did not have my usual Diet Coke, but water. 

I was headed in the right direction this week and my workouts were good. I had class one night and a family visit last night, and tonight I cannot workout either. That's my three-day demotivation point. Bleh. But I will force myself to go tomorrow.

I was back at work as of yesterday and it's nice to have it busier than last week. The days go by far quicker in a hurry :)

I have to run, which actually means sit and finish my breakfast before work. Have a nice day all!

happily drained.

I just returned from a very productive workout. I ran for 43 minutes, plus eight minutes of walking split pre- and post-run. That was followed by four sets each of 20 sec. plank then 8 pushups, and then 12 jumping squats. I did some deep stretching for my hip/groin (is it called groin in a woman?) to make sure I can continue to run for the year without injury.

I recently noticed something that had been staring me in the face for a whole year (or at least right behind me when I look in the mirror while washing my hands in the gym change room): a sauna! How could I NOT notice a sauna? I, the lover of heat, missed it, but I am making up for lost time. I've already hit it four times this week. I think I'll follow every weekend workout with 10 minutes in it, just to relax.

I weighed in at 146 today. I'm slowly but steadily getting back down to my 'normal' average weight of 143. Once I get there, the 5 lbs to get to 138 will be the hard part. Ugh.

I already feel better after a few days of withdrawing from society and working out, having no plans looming in my mind and being able to get things done around the house that never get done otherwise. I've watched a few good movies, Detachment being a highlight, but I also enjoyed Like Crazy and if you're interested in a light movie that's nowhere close to amazing but is great entertainment on a weekend when you don't want to think, The Mechanic will do the trick. It's a fairly violent action movie, but if I can stomach it, most people probably can. There is also minimal use of trashy women to round out the plot, which is something I appreciate, and the lead actor reminds me of Hairy, so that's an added perk for me. Oddly enough, one night as he and I walked home from a restaurant on an empty main street, late at night, this past summer, a bunch of girls drove by in a car screaming "we love you Jason." Whatever this may have been, I am almost certain they confused him with Jason Statham. My thought was "how could it be Jason Statham if he's walking around town with a short, round girl like me and not some tall model?" ha! I don't actually want to look like a model, but it's a fair question. I actually just looked up 'Jason Statham girlfriend' in Google images and precisely, she is some super tall, skinny blonde.

Before I get to doing my household chores, I had to eat something or I'd pass out. I had an apple and then a smoothie with pineapple, blackberries, blueberries, coconut water and no fat Greek yogurt. It's better without the coconut water but I was just trying to mix it up a little.

I'll admit, yesterday I had two croissants (I made some mean ham and swiss sandwiches though) and today I had one. So I'm not going to pretend everything I am doing right now is "on track," but at least I am not eating all the garbage that has no nutritional value, including Diet Coke and cheap cookies, so that's a start. Also, Hairy and I have been making soups with our organic produce basket goodies. The one we made yesterday was delicious: veg broth, yellow curry, sea salt, pepper, celeriac, carrots, potatoes, onion, garlic, parsnip... all of that pureed. Delish!

Okay, I have to run. Or actually stroll lazily into the shower and then heat up some of that soup I mentioned, and homemade hummus, for lunch. Yumsy.

Weighing heavily...

Ahhhh it feels good to sleep in. Woke up at around 9 a.m. and ate a light breakfast before heading to the gym on Day 3 of my time off.

I have a free BMI assessment waiting for me to claim at my gym, but I am putting it off. First of all, I weight 146.5 today, still above my average for 2012, which was more like 143. The other thing is that since I am only 5'2'' and my muscles are really big, it always tells me I am obese/overweight since it's not designed for athletic builds, but for the average Joe who's not very fit and of average height and weight.

When I was at my lowest weight, 135, I was all skin and bones on top (my thighs are like sprinter's legs so they will never be skinny) and yet my BMI said I was just barely normal weight. That's when I finally realized it's just one tool (an only somewhat reliable one), to be used in combination with the scale and measurements to determine what I feel is "normal" or "healthy". My general feeling is that 138-143 suits me best.

Hairy is making us juices right now. We just tried out our new fryer as well with some rissois (Portuguese breaded dumpling-y things filled with shrimp and a spicy creamy sauce). Yesterday we made cod balls, pasteis de bacalhau, and made tartar sauce with mayo and the homemade ketchup sent with our organic produce basket from a local farm. The 'ketchup' actually tastes more like relish, and made for a delicious accompaniment for the cod balls.

Today's juice consists of apples, spinach, pineapple, avocado, green peppers, cucumber, celery, parsley and lime. So far, only one of the smoothies he's made (following the recipe book by Jason Vale,
The Funky Fresh Juice Book) has been a little, uh, earthy, but the rest of them have been delicious.

Over Christmas, my skin was so awful and I worked it down to the sugar in all the cookies I was eating. I do eat 'bad' food, but not usually really poor quality stuff like the cookies I had been scarfing down for weeks while also not working out. After a week without the cookies and eating tons of veggies and homemade juices, my skin is looking much better.

I should also point out that I came to an official conclusion regarding motivation and exercise: NEVER take more than two days in a row off. This definitely applies to me, but I think it may speak to others as well. I say, if you can manage to fit in even 15-20 minutes of intense exercise in a day, do it. You'll almost never (if ever) regret a workout, but will regret not moving.

A friend said something to me lately that has really motivated me. She is pregnant and is so exhausted that she cannot run. She LOOOOVES running. I like running, not love, but I really want to get back into it. So she told me "when you run, think of me, since I'd love to be able to but can't." Now, when I am on the treadmill just starting to jog and I start to feel tired, I remind myself that I'm so happy to be able to run since my friend can't, my other friends and family find it so hard to get motivated, and my aunt who is very ill cannot even walk anymore. I am doing it because I can, it makes me feel good, it challenges me and it will help me live longer and stronger, I hope anyway.

Okay, I am off to drink some juice and continue organizing my apartment. We got so much done yesterday it feels soooo therapeutic. Lataz.

progre$$

I may not be down on the scale, weighing in at 147 this morning inexplicably, but my debt balance is much nicer: I am officially debt free for the first time in, oh, say, about six years. This is huge. Monumental.

BOOYAH!

Take that bank. Take that world!

Time to be educated about finances and make wiser choices.

Got to get back to my vacation and reorganizing my apartment with Hairy.

Latahhhhh!

My figure(s)

I did an official weigh-in and measurement-taking this morning so I can really start like a champ. It turns out, 10 lbs of extra weight equates to about 1 inch of extra cushion on my body. That's what I've deduced by comparing today's numbers with my starting numbers in 2010 and my lowest numbers, obtained around June/July of 2011 I believe.

My weight as of this morning: 146.5 lbs
My measurements:

Neck: 11.5 in.
Chest: 33.5 in.
Rib cage: 29 in.
Waist: 27 in.
Hips: 32.5 in.
Butt: 37 in.
Thigh: 22.5 in.

I don't like measuring my calves, and I never did before, so even though I think I should, bah!

I have put on about 1 inch everywhere. I'm less concerned about weight and inches than how I think I look and fit in my clothes at this point, but the weight is important for my running.

I think it's also important to mention some other things I've been doing that were part of my initial goals but took longer to achieve: I started actively working on my mental health and relationships. I am trying to rebuild focus/concentration and positive attitude in general, but primarily at work. AND, I am doing my best ever attempt to stay on top of my financial situation and learn about money and finances. I don't want to repeat past mistakes because I am uninformed and scared. Now that I'm debt-free after years and years, I need to know what to do with my income to achieve the things I want to.

For mental health, there are many things involved in this. The foremost being working out, sleeping and eating well, and improved time management. It's a process. I have a tendency to want to get things done asap and in the most efficient manner possible, because I always have the next task looming in my mind. I am trying to take things one piece at a time, and say no even when I am tempted to say yes, to give myself time to breathe. Nobody will ever force you to take a break, only you can do it. Seeking advice/guidance from professionals has been beneficial as well. My main goal is to be able to get many things done, spend time with the people I love, and come home feeling good about life, not drained.

I learned something at work that gave me some insight into my own issues In my management training, I am learning about different personality types. I had to identify my own 'type'. One of the traits of my type is that I do things with other people's feelings in mind all the time. One of the things NOT to do when dealing with someone like me is use guilt/threats/manipulation to get what you want, because this personality type already takes other people's feelings into consideration and finds it insulting to be treated this way. It made me realize why it makes me furious when people tell me "you're always busy, you never have enough time, we don't get to see you enough...etc." While their intentions are good, what they don't realize is that this just pushes me away because I am already fully aware of what I am doing and I already do my best. Guilt trips and such work with people who do not think about others when deciding how to act. All of this helps me identify one source of frustration with my family and some friends and maybe adjust my own behaviour around that or even address it directly with the person.

Anyway, by cutting volleyball, I gave myself more time for friends, family and myself. It makes me sad, but I will resume playing once a week, and instead go to the gym which takes up less time in the week.

Okay, I'm off to enjoy my days off for rest, reorganization and solitude. Have a good one!

Day deux

It is only that things are so unusually slow at work this week that I will be so bloggy. Just know that. :0)


So, I weighed in at 147. Shocking because over Christmas I was no more than 145 on average, and now I've started working out again (and no, not building muscle, just running mainly) and gradually eating much better, and NOW the scale decides to jump. Ah well. I'm using weight as one barometer, but I will need to take measurements tomorrow to compare against two years ago and see what kind of adjustments are required :)

My lowest weight was 135, but I'd say the lowest I can maintain with a minimum of effort and discipline is about 138-140lbs I've learned. Plus, I like my body better at 138-140 than 135, when I looked way too skinny on top. Over 2012, I kept meaning to get from 140 back down to 135, but ended up putting on another 5-7 lbs. My new goal is to get to 138 through running, and stay in that range as long as I can. I want to stay safely away from 150 lbs, which will be my ALARM weight now (it used to be 185 back in the day, since I felt 200 lbs coming toward me).

My boyfriend, for the blog's sake let's call him Hairy, has been making us a variety of smoothies/juices for breakfast this week, loaded with good things. Since I have been eating most of my meals out, I've been opting for hearty salads with just oil and vinegar for dressing, and other light yet nutritious meals. I am trying to offset the overload of cookies, chocolate and other sugary treats. I have been disgusting myself with my compulsive snacking. I had basically no self-control anytime I walked by a snack/treat and would tell myself NO then go eat it anyway. Now, I am reverting to my tried-and-tested trick of telling myself "If you still want it in an hour (or this afternoon / tonight) then you can have it, but just not yet." Without fail, I end up NOT eating the crap after all. I'm also applying my "if you only workout for 10 minutes at the gym, that's perfectly okay, the key is that you get there and try." This, too, is a very successful mind game, even if I know it's a mind game.

I am completely at peace with eating the high-quality chocolates my brother sent me for Christmas from one of Toronto's best chocolatemakers: SOMA, in the Distillery District. These have no junk in them and are pure fabulousness. And when I eat high-quality chocolate, naturally I tend to eat less and savour it because it is far more satisfying, like a solid shot of espresso versus watery filtered coffee. When I eat Hersheys chocolate, which is basically sugar with a splash of cocoa, for some reason I eat a ton of it even though I care much for it.

My Portuguese class was nice yesterday. I don't feel I'm making substantial progress, but the practice is important nonetheless. I will also try to keep on finding new ways to take in the language and practice this year, though I managed to keep up my motivation for most of 2012.

Alright, back to twiddling my thumbs and surfing the interweb, catching Wiki-itis.

Good day all.

She's back.

Hi everyone!

First off, to all those whose stories I haven't been following because I withdrew from the bloggy world, I hope you're staying strong and keeping on keeping on or something good like that. I've thought about you often.

Well, 2012 was a year for me to re-focus myself a little. Things at work were down then got really up near the end of the year. I got a promotion, and am in training to become the team leader in February if all goes well, so this has given me a renewed excitement about work.

I began taking Portuguese lessons in October 2011 and continued to Level 5 (of 6) at the YMCA, then moved on to the courses at the church since it's MUCH cheaper and is more relevant for me since it is continental Portuguese. I even got to test it out when I went to Portugal in September, which was such an amazing time for my boyfriend and I. My Portuguese classes resume tonight, yay!

Yes, I am still happily with my ex-personal trainer-now-lifetime partner. He moved in last January and he makes a really fun roommate, friend and personal chef and motivator. I'm a lucky one.

In fitness news, I was really inconsistent and unmotivated for much of last year. I managed to put back on 10 lbs, but get back on track every time I fell off for a week or two. I couldn't get myself back into running, so I decided to focus on running in 2013. Especially since I made the painful move to drop volleyball. Well, I was supposed to be playing indoor court vball for fall/winter, but since I'm not passionate about anything but beach vball, I decided I needed that time to rest. I will be playing court vball one night a week now, instead of indoor beach, for money reasons. Eventually I will play beach again, but I have big things to save for and am making a few sacrifices now for the greater good. Running will have to suffice until summertime.

I began to see my old eating habits re-emerge, so I am working on keeping those more disciplined and in check this year. Since I do have a problem with food and tend to pack on pounds, it will be a lifetime effort, and some days (or years) are harder than others. I watched a documentary called Hungry for Change, as well as Food Inc., and have been inspired. My boyfriend and I decided to test out buying local organic produce to see if that works for us, and we've been incorporating a wider variety of vegetarian content even though I (and probably he) never intend to go fully veg. I love meat, and fish and eggs especially, so we just eat less of it and buy better quality, offsetting the price by eating more legumes, green veggies and grains, for example. Fewer croissants on the weekends too, while not depriving ourselves completely of the good stuff.

On the subject of deprivation, I have been without Diet Coke for about a month or less now, and it was only intentional for a few days, then I just stopped noticing. If I could cut back to once a year I'd be satisfied. It does more harm than good (being absolutely NOT good for you), but I love it and only it where fizzzy drinks are concerned. Otherwise I'm a waterholic, always have been, fortunately.

Okay, I can't make any promises about writing regularly, but I am thinking about it, since it really helped me stay focused on my goals year round, and find the necessary support and inspiration. I want to stay focused on keeping my eating habits in check and maintaining my current weight or losing 5-7 lbs through running and eating well. Those are my SMART goals for the year, let's see how this goes.