My mind is full. My life is full. I don't know what to do with myself. This isn't a complaint, at allllll! It is simply an observation.
I am sitting here waiting to go meet some friends for sushi then shisha. These are my favourite plans to have. I am busy allllll the time with social things (which is fantastic in general, and especially considering my emotional state), but these nights are the most laid back and therefore a time for me to relax.
Last night, when my plans with a friend were cancelled, I realized I hadn't been alone in a very long time. It was nice. This week I had volleyball people over for drinks, I visited my friend in the hospital since she just gave birth to the most precious baby girl (though I would have gone even if the baby were ugly, I would just love it less hahaha kiddinggggggg! I'd probably love her more!) I met up with another friend for coffee, I worked out, I cooked, and on and on...
Speaking of working out, I am on track weight-wise. I've been 153-154 all week, so I am aiming to work hard this coming week to get to 152. Now I am dying to be in the 140s. I think I haven't been that low since possibly elementary school if not my first year of high school. My body has completely changed, naturally, so I'm anxious to see what my fit woman's body is like. I guess that will depend on how much work I put in. Well for now I am doing all I can. My workouts are incredible these days, except for the awful shoulder pain I get when I run (I have pinpointed a variety of causes for this: work position, bag-carrying position, boob size versus now-too-big bra, etc.).
I am not sure if I posted my measurements post-challenge, but everything was down by at least a half inch, including my neck, which I thought couldn't get thinner. Logically speaking, I know I look my best right now (at least my best in the last 10 years), but today I am having an "I hate myself and feel fat, disgusting and ugly" day. One of those days I don't see how anyone will ever be attracted to me. I caught a picture of myself from volleyball, covered in sweat as usual, and I looked absolutely gross. When I'm there, I could care less than I'm so sweaty because I always sweat a lot, but in the picture I see how nasty it looks hahaha! I think I will treat myself to some workout tops for the fall and winter, so I quit making myself look like a greaseball. So that's probably the reason I feel gross today.
Also, I think I may have mentioned this before but a weird thing happened to me when I hit 153 a few weeks ago: I was actually a little grossed out by my thinner body. I was ecstatic at the scale, but looking in the mirror it was like I was outside of my own body. I have always been round, plump, chubby or whatever you want to call it. Now I have lines, clearly defined curves, but I also have flab since I am in the process of loosening up a lot of that fat and it's not very pretty. I am avoiding flaps by working out and losing weight slowly, but still, I think it will take a long time for me to "accept" myself as a thin person and get over the fact that I am flabby and pale for now.
Okay, enough self-loathing. I am actually pretty impressed with myself for getting this far. I would say I am fairly close to this being second nature. I can certainly not eat as much as I used to, with the exception of deliberate binges every month or so around PMS time :)
So I need to get going for my sushi dinner, and mentally prepare for more days filled with people and stuff and plans and things.
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