what to do...

Hey anyone who's listening... I'm still here.

I haven't written for a few days because I've been running from place to place to place, visiting friends, family, and meeting new people.

Just to get this over with, I am still between 154-155 and having trouble getting the scale to stick to 153. I was so close, but my workouts and eating have been all over the place. I have been eating very lightly, but I feel like I am not eating enough and then "binging" later in the day. It's not bad binging, just obviously there's a tendency to eat loads of carb and fat rich foods as opposed to veggies and protein. I am not worrying too much about my weight. I still want to lose about 15 lbs more, but I am giving myself this week to not be so strict.

I spent last weekend playing volleyball a lot, meeting new people there, visiting a friend's new baby, seeing my family, attending a housewarming... This week I have drinks every night until Thursday, when I have to pack for my canoe trip. I am playing volleyball again tomorrow, and the last games are next week I believe. In less than two weeks I begin playing court volleyball indoors on Monday nights. I am giving it a try to see if I like it less/more/equally than beach, and will decide what to stick with in Winter.

My personal situation is as chaotic as ever, but as always, I am keeping myself out of the sludge by socializing. All my weekends are already planned for September, then perhaps (luck willing) I will be able to move in October. If not, I will become an alcoholic drug addict most probably.

For now I continue on my path of wellness by eating loads of veggies and fruit most of the time, and still being very physically active. I have relaxed my personal drinking policy for this week to enjoy the last heat wave of summer on terrasses with drinks. If it weren't for these stupid problems at home, life would be better than perfect right now, because everything else is just dandy. So Im thankful to have such good times right now.

Alright, peace out.

A whole heckuva lot

My mind is full. My life is full. I don't know what to do with myself. This isn't a complaint, at allllll! It is simply an observation.

I am sitting here waiting to go meet some friends for sushi then shisha. These are my favourite plans to have. I am busy allllll the time with social things (which is fantastic in general, and especially considering my emotional state), but these nights are the most laid back and therefore a time for me to relax.

Last night, when my plans with a friend were cancelled, I realized I hadn't been alone in a very long time. It was nice. This week I had volleyball people over for drinks, I visited my friend in the hospital since she just gave birth to the most precious baby girl (though I would have gone even if the baby were ugly, I would just love it less hahaha kiddinggggggg! I'd probably love her more!) I met up with another friend for coffee, I worked out, I cooked, and on and on...

Speaking of working out, I am on track weight-wise. I've been 153-154 all week, so I am aiming to work hard this coming week to get to 152. Now I am dying to be in the 140s. I think I haven't been that low since possibly elementary school if not my first year of high school. My body has completely changed, naturally, so I'm anxious to see what my fit woman's body is like. I guess that will depend on how much work I put in. Well for now I am doing all I can. My workouts are incredible these days, except for the awful shoulder pain I get when I run (I have pinpointed a variety of causes for this: work position, bag-carrying position, boob size versus now-too-big bra, etc.).

I am not sure if I posted my measurements post-challenge, but everything was down by at least a half inch, including my neck, which I thought couldn't get thinner. Logically speaking, I know I look my best right now (at least my best in the last 10 years), but today I am having an "I hate myself and feel fat, disgusting and ugly" day. One of those days I don't see how anyone will ever be attracted to me. I caught a picture of myself from volleyball, covered in sweat as usual, and I looked absolutely gross. When I'm there, I could care less than I'm so sweaty because I always sweat a lot, but in the picture I see how nasty it looks hahaha! I think I will treat myself to some workout tops for the fall and winter, so I quit making myself look like a greaseball. So that's probably the reason I feel gross today.

Also, I think I may have mentioned this before but a weird thing happened to me when I hit 153 a few weeks ago: I was actually a little grossed out by my thinner body. I was ecstatic at the scale, but looking in the mirror it was like I was outside of my own body. I have always been round, plump, chubby or whatever you want to call it. Now I have lines, clearly defined curves, but I also have flab since I am in the process of loosening up a lot of that fat and it's not very pretty. I am avoiding flaps by working out and losing weight slowly, but still, I think it will take a long time for me to "accept" myself as a thin person and get over the fact that I am flabby and pale for now.

Okay, enough self-loathing. I am actually pretty impressed with myself for getting this far. I would say I am fairly close to this being second nature. I can certainly not eat as much as I used to, with the exception of deliberate binges every month or so around PMS time :)

So I need to get going for my sushi dinner, and mentally prepare for more days filled with people and stuff and plans and things.

grey days

normally grey weather has me down. For some reason unknown to me I am feeling just nice and calm and a little sleepy, in a good way.

A friend had VIP tickets to the Rogers Cup semi-finals and invited me. I've never followed tennis, but I was looking forward to it. Instead, we sat in a VIP lounge drinking espressos and chatting as we kept waiting for the next update about the rain delays every 30 minutes. Oddly, I found this fun. The only time we got to see the players was when they were warming up, and to please the angry mob, they kicked a micro soccer ball back and forth over the net and also played tennis doing all kinds of goofy tricks. It was amusing while it lasted, and then we were back in the tent.

So even though this weekend could be considered a bust, I think I needed to do nothing. I have been at home since early this afternoon and have worked out, showered, cleaned, eaten and am vegging and watching television now. I have been in silence since my roommate went out, and have even muted the TV for a bit to write this calmly.

I am on track with my weight loss. After the challenge ended about two weeks ago my lowest weight was 153. If my math is right, I should be back down to 154 tomorrow morning (I went up to 159 on my week off eating well and working out). If I can under 150 without doing the challenge again soon, I will be a happy girl. I am aiming to do the challenge once more in late September or possibly after Thanksgiving in October to lose what will likely be the most difficult weight to lose, the final 10 lbs. I am aiming to get to 140 or less. Less would only be better because that gives me room for winter/Thanksgiving/Christmas weight, before I get back into things in January. Unlike many people, I am highly motivated in winter, and am not one of those who gives up after a few weeks of working out as a New Year's resolution. I DO give up for many other reasons throughout the year (not this year though :), but winter is my peak time in terms of willingness to workout.

My long term plan is 15 or more lbs gone by December, then after Christmas I will try to take a vacation somewhere in a bikini to get a nice tan and relax after some of the most hellish years of my young life. Then, my task for 2011, to cement all the work that I have done, is to work on toning. However, if it gets to a point where I am ever drinking protein shakes and literally weighing my food, please put me out of my misery, because to me that is not living. I'm a bit of a perfectionist in some ways, but I also want to be able to enjoy a nice soft layer of feminine fat on my body and the beauty that comes from being a happy, well-fed person.

Alright, I'm off to relax some more. I just hope this weather clears up by Wednesday for volleyball. Oh, did I mention I will be trying out regular court volleyball for the Fall? It's cheaper, and it will be something different. I'm pretty excited since I'll be playing with some people I met at beach.

Anyway, back to my glass of red wine and Criminal Minds :)

mmmm smoooshhhhy

I am in bed, still partially asleep but not able to fall back asleep. I am absolutely loving vegging in bed in my quiet apartment with this grey weather outside.

I think I'll do this for a little while, then maybe grack a light snack and head to the gym. Then I will make myself a nice big brunch with eggs and cheese, asparagus and cooked tomatoes, maybe some yogurt and fruit or toast... mmmm.

Some people either don't have time for mornings like these or can't be bothered to slow down every once in a while to relax, and I am not one of them. I think after spending my teenage and university years being a workaholic (honestly, as ridiculous as that sounds), I have now managed to master the art of doing nothing (within reason) and enjoying it. I am able to tell myself to relax, and tell others NO finally. I can say no to overtime, no to side projects, no to going out for the sake of my overall sanity. It's a nice feeling.

Tonight I have been invited to attend the Rogers Cup womens' semi-finals in a VIP box... I don't understand tennis at all, but I am very excited to see it live and see what this box is all about. A couple girls are going so it should be nice.

For my upcoming canoe trip I just bought the ugliest pair of shoes. I even negotiated with the sales girl (I figured women understand the following complaint) saying that 'it kills me to pay this much (not a lot actually, $50) for such an ugly pair of shoes that I have to have for one trip, and asked her if she could give me a discount. It worked! She gave me 20% off! I am a customer who NEVER complains and never asks for what I want, but I was exhausted and a little sassy as a result, and it worked for me. Yay!

Alright, I'm going back to just lying here for a bit longer, then it's gym time I suppose :)

progress

I feel skinny today. yay! My favourite thing about getting thinner and feeling "tighter" is that clothes just hang in all the right places. It's no longer a constant effort to hide this and that. Yes, I still have parts that bulge or fold in not so appealing ways, but with time and a lot of effort that will change. I'm willing to do the work, I just need to be patient. Like Buddha. Except the not eating part.

I did not sleep a wink last night. I am angry about this. I like my sleep. I will come home from work this afternoon and crash, if that doesn't happen throughout the day. I went for coffee to see my friend who's just returned from Algeria, and to say farewell to a close friend who's leaving to do international development work in Iraq for a year. I am happy and sad all at once.

So yeah, I was careful enough this week to get back down to 155, so next week's mission is getting to 153 again and then beyond.

Have a nice day at work everyone!

heaven is...

a small amount of coconut yogurt with fresh blueberries, raspberries and pecans. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

working hard today, no rambling.

more rambling

I am bored again.

However, I have been invited on a canoe trip and I am suuuuper pumped about it. I will be with a bunch of French people, my Polish-Canadian friend and myself. Given the origins of my fellow campers, the food will be less hot dogs and burgers and more duck and raclette and fine cheeses, yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum! Plus, we wont even need to feel bad about the fatty foods because we'll be hauling canoes all over the place and canoeing all day. I might even get a tan, bonus!

Since I haven't been able to take any vacation in the last 1.5 years, and probably wont for another 6 months, this trip is the most exciting one yet. I absolutely adore canoeing/rafting, and almost never get to do it. The last time I canoed was 2 years ago, and the last time I rafted was in the white waters of Nepal 4 years ago. So this trip to Algonquin Park (which I have never seen) is looking to be a fun one.

I am also trying to plan a trip to Ottawa and to Collingwood at some point. These small trips will get me through more months of my agonizing living situation.

I am back down to 156 today, hoping to be down to 155 by tomorrow or Friday. My workouts have been short and intense, and as always after a few days off, I feel like I haven't worked out in months. I have volleyball tonight, so that should be fun and painless, then tomorrow I'll have to hit the gym again. Friday will likely remain my day off because with a whole week of working out in me, I NEVER feel like doing anything at all on Fridays. I usually feel recharged by Sunday and have great workouts then.

Alright, I'm going to heat up my lunch (two tiny Angus beef sliders on tiny buns with cheese and condiments, with a large tomato salad with fresh mozzarella cheese, oil, vinegar, pepper and my new fleur de sel) mmmmmmmmm... Then I am forcing my cousin, who works downtown just next to me, to go on my usual walk up a steep hill for 10 minutes then down again for another 15.

Have a nice afternoon!

I'm a little teacup, short and stout.

Oh the symbolism. First, my 200th post I officially dub the symbol of my escaping my close brush with 200 lbs. I know of fellow bloggers who would be happy to get to 200 lbs, and I wish them enough persistence to get there and beyond. But for me, 200 lbs at my height would have been a major blow, and I am convinced that if I had reached 200 lbs I would have kept going and going. I had enough health/bone issues at 183 to know that 200 would have been a mess for me considering all my other bad habits.

So this being my 201st post, I have symbolically overcome that fear. I have realistically put 30 lbs (since I wasn't yet AT 200 lbs exactly) between me and there, and I am no longer afraid of gaining a pound or two. I certainly want to lose more, but I am not in such a rush about it, but am still committed to it.

When I did the Game On! challenge I found most of it relatively easy because I had been training myself to eat well since January, but the rigidity of the diet was the push I needed to cement my habits and now that it's over I can really tell it worked. I make healthy choices without any resentment, fear, stress or compulsion, and I am more acutely and innately aware of the true value of certain foods.

Diet Coke, which was my biggest addiction left, was the hardest to cut. And now that I have had the chance to start drinking it again (and I was very excited to be able to indulge in it after the challenge was over), I have had it once or twice on it's own, and once in a mixed drink. Summer is the time when I have it most because I like alcoholic drinks with Diet Coke and I like it with BBQ meals, but this will calm down in fall.

Sugar is also a funny thing. In the diet I realized it's very hard to give up sugar at first, but it becomes second nature almost right away, EXCEPT I still felt the need to sweeten a lot of my food just a little with honey or maple syrup, which is mostly all I use anyway. I have begun cutting the sugar in my rare coffees, and try to use less sweetener. I have also continued to buy sugar-free bread just because it is actually really good. I didn't eat a lot of sweets in general, but now I am aware of the sugar in most foods and I make choices (today I put back a juice I was about to buy in favour of the apple I had brought to work as a snack).

I always tell myself that if I still desperately want whatever I am craving later, that I will allow myself to have it. The craving usually dies and then I feel fantastic about the choice. When the craving doesn't die, I try to limit myself by buying a very small quantity or giving the rest away or throwing it out, for the sake of my health. If I eat it all, I work it all off with exercise and proper eating the next day. For example, I've been craving McDonald's for months. I've managed to stave it off through education about the nutritional value, however, I have made a deal with myself to have it in September (a year from the last time I had it, I think).

Sorry for the rambling, but I am bored at work. So I will keep rambling until I have something to work on :) Perhaps I'll break it into a few posts though...

So for the teacup reference, this is a symbol of my celebrating my body type. First of all, I am very grateful for my body because it functions almost perfectly and I am very strong. I am also thankful because even though there are things I find unattractive about my body, I know that it is not bad and in fact looks pretty good for someone who had previously really let myself go for years. So I am trying to accept that I am short and stout (I've never actually had a problem being short, it's the stout part that got to me). When I lose a bit more weight I would like to be able to wear shorts/skirts that show my legs. I know I won't have the most feminine/modelly legs, but mine are thick, athletic, muscular legs and I could do worse.

Now that I don't worry about my health at all I can start focusing on the little stupid things like this that will improve my self-esteem and self-acceptance. I think I am almost where I want to be in terms of self-esteem: I finally don't find myself disgusting, hideous, etc. and have learned to care for me whether I am fatter or thinner than what I want to be... However, I have my moments where I find it disconcerting to see myself and find myself too this, too that...

Alright, I am bored with boring you. I will stop rambling now. Point being that all is slowly getting to almost semi-perfection in Leanne-land.

My 200th post.

And oh how eneventful it will be ha!

First of all, I already wrote today, secondly, I'm about to talk about digestion. Oh, I will add some pictures too so you can see what I look like recently, after losing 30 lbs.

I wanted to confirm that my usual purging routine worked. If you are feeling bloated or constipated or just crappy overall, try it. The most important ingredient is eating a kiwi every day (with the skin ON, thoroughly washed). I cut it into quarters and it is so yummy right before breakfast. After a few days, you should see a noticeable change in your digestive output, to put it delicately.

For more immediate results, I add a half glass of pure pomegranate juice diluted in water.

The final trick is to drink two glasses of warm water first thing when you wake up.

All of these suckers work as well if not better than other people's "coffee and cigarette" laxative.

For me, having no particular digestive problems, this simply leaves me feeling lighter, less bloated and healthier. Kiwis have a ton of vitamin C (more than oranges) and other great things. I don't advocate weird diets or dietary obsessions, but the kiwi thing really helped make everything in my body run more smoothly. And I noticed that change before I knew anything about its nutritional value, so it's not some hocus pocus.

In any case, though all my bloating from the weekend was purged early in the day, the afternoon brought with it time of the month bloat and back pain. I downed an Advil and have been drinking a glass of water about every 30-60 minutes. I am also eating pretty light food. After breakfast I had a couple crackers and some yellow pepper slices with hummus. For lunch I made a salad with mixed greens, pears, tomato, cucumber, walnuts, turkey and blue cheese. The dressing was a DELICIOUS blend of balsamic, olive oil, honey, fresh basil, fresh garlic from Quebec, pure sea salt and pepper. That was my most successful dressing yet. I make a variation of this dressing all the time (with maple syrup not honey), but I found this recipe online to go with pears and blue cheese. I made it the other day but today's had more oil and was just a little less intense, so more mellow and delicious.

I am defrosting shrimp now to make some garlic/ginger/honey goodness with collard greens and other veggies later. I am in my gym clothes now, jus waiting to go workout. I don't know if I'll have the energy to work out intensely, but I will give it my best shot.

Okay, here are some pics of me in the last month. The one where I am more tan was this weekend, the other about a month ago when I first got my hair cut. After losing 9 lbs in the challenge, I looked very different again, but even with gaining back just 4-5 lbs it made the difference. I look similar between the two photos. When I achieve the body weight/measurements I am aiming for I will do a proper before and after body picture, but for now just the face will have to suffice.




Have a great evening everyone and Cheers! on my 200th post!!

I'm back: fat and happy

Hey y'all,

I survived a week of indulgent eating and laziness and I am ready to get back on track. It would have been impossible not to gain weight this week. This morning I was all the way back up to 159 from about 155 most of the week. I am not upset, I am actually pleased for having let myself relax a bit.

First of all, I had cupcakes. These aren't just any cupcakes, they are the pride of NYC, Magnolia Bakery cupcakes. For about 6 years I've tried in vain to get someone to bring me some back, but this time my Italian and British guests succeeded. And though not everyone was as enthused about them as I, they were as spectacular as I recalled. I just polished off the last bites this morning.

I not only had those visitors, I also had my best friend in from Toronto and a visit from another from Quebec City. I ate relatively well at the restaurants, but the homemade food was the killer. I ate loads of cheese and desserts too, so that didn't help. All in all, it was a resounding success and now it is time to get my ass in gear.

Aside from eating the last bites left of each of the cupcakes (I was eating them in quarters) I had a kiwi and a bowl of greek yogurt with Kashi, blueberries and a little honey, plus two glasses of warm water and now a glass of water/pomegranate juice. All of this is meant to PURGE my digestive system so I can start afresh.

I want to be back to 155 by the end of the week, and hopefully next week I can work on getting below that to get back to 153. I think that will be a toughie, but it might be doable, we'll see. My motivation is my best friend. She and I have similar body shapes, except she is like a condensed, fit version of me. Recently she has put on a few pounds and honestly, she looks AMAZING! She looks like Betty Boop with slightly smaller breasts, incredible. I know she is always very active and is fairly careful about what she eats, and I think I may be able to achieve this too if I am as committed as she is. I want to wow myself too.

Alright, that's enough from me. Have to start work shortly...

Back to the routine

So I am officially back to my regular weight-loss routine and I hardly know what to do with myself ha! After such a structured diet, I find myself caught in between my old good habits and the habits developed in the game.

The game made me realize a few things, now that it's done: my regular diet contains a lot of carbs and fats (mostly good fats though), and not enough protein. I eat enough veggies in general, and I drink enough water. It also brings my attention to the fact that I eat a lot of foods with lots of sugar in them (without eating candy or sweets, for example my organic raspberry jam), but now I am just moderating the amount of these products that I eat, without cutting them. I am also going to try to stick to as little Diet Coke as possible (my addiction, though I usually have about 1-2 per week), not because it makes you fat but because it has no nutritional value whatsoever. If I am to treat my body well, I want to stick to a consistent diet of foods with few additives and foods that are rich in nutritional value even if they are high in fat or carbs, etc.

I have a fantastic workout yesterday. I was planning on not working out this week, but as soon as I got home I had put my workout clothes on, and it's funny because I didn't even feel like it. But I am glad I went because I was pumped once I started. I dit HIIT (running/walking in 1-minute intervals for 30 mins, with 5 mins of cooldown), followed by some abs, leg lifts, squats and deep stretching.

Instead of cutting my workouts altogether this week, I think I will just do it when I feel I need it, and eat well when I have the motivation to (right now that's most of the time which is a pleasant change). And I will try not to get worked up if I see the scale go up, since I know I'll go more intensely next week after all my guests have left (I have an Italian and a British visitor for a few days as of Thursday, then my best friend is coming over from Toronto for a couple of days, so it will be paaaarrtyy time). But so far, after my day of debauchery on Saturday, I have seen the scale go back down faster than it did during the challenge, mind you I am not eating 5 meals a day anymore.

Instead, I had two toasts with PB and jam yesterday, then for lunch I made a big salad with tomato, cucumber, peppers, mixed greens, oil/balsamic. I split that into a late morning snack and lunch, and accompanied it with slices of low-fat cheese and some uber healthy crackers. It was a nice, well-rounded meal. For dinner, I made two eggs scrambled with zucchini, tomatoes, hot sauce and threw on a quarter of an avocado. I followed that with a bowl of plain yogurt with blueberries, a bit of Kashi GoLean cereal and honey... mmmmmmm.

Ookay, just realized I have to get going to work, have a great day and sorry for rambling on.

Game On! Game over!

I would like to say I am disappointed in myself for not playing with as much enthusiasm as my fellow Game On-ers, and for being largely responsible for us losing the game (I do not like to lose, and normally don't, ahem!, hahahah), but really, when I weighed in at 153.6 on Saturday, I was too excited to notice.

It's not really the number that excited me (though I desperately wanted to NOT lose more points for my team), it was the fact that for the first time in my adult life, I felt like I look like a non-overweight person, and I actually felt kind of thin. I felt light. I felt like my body looks right-er.

It's incredible, but up until now, my body pretty much looked exactly the same at any weight. I know things have changed, but I can't see them with my eyes--instead I use measurements to remind me I am making progress and not to give up. But the visual difference between 155 and 153 was shocking. Who knew 2 lbs would be the difference, the switch? Of course, since Saturday was my day off from the diet, and I was at a friend's cottage, I went overboard on ketchup chips (I'd been craving forever) and hot dogs and fresh caught trout and veggies and salad, etc... So after all that, I am today at 156. And while I don't care at all that I gained back a couple pounds, because I'm thrilled to have lost any at all, I SEE a clear-cut difference in my body from 153.

What I have also noticed though is that things are pretty flabby and pale and hairy and pasty-white. I think I will proceed as follows for the remaining work on my body:

1. Take a week of rest from intense workouts and eating overly carefully without binging.
2. Get back to regular workouts and semi-careful eating for a few weeks
3. Start another Game On! challenge in mid-September for 1 month, to lose another 5-10 lbs
4. Once I have moved (if this ever happens), start going to a personal trainer to tone up and get rid of some of the flabbiness, without getting excessively muscular. On my own I am getting big arms and such, and I want lean muscle, not big bulky man arms!
5. Take a relaxing vacation to reward myself for this hellish year and all the hard work I've done, and get a tan so I don't look quite so sick!
6. Once I have reached 140-145 lbs, just enjoy it and do basic maintenance while not becoming obsessed and still enjoying life to the fullest!

Done and done!

Oh and I really need to not be so lazy about waxing, it desperately needs to be done. But I imagine that if I go on vacation to tan, I will want to go at least so I don't throw up when I put on a bikini hahah!

Alright, I'm out for now. Have a great week everyone!

Week 4 almost done!

Hiya,

So, I'm in the final days of this challenge and I am thrilled. By tomorrow I should have lost at least 1 more pound, which will bring my total weight loss for the 4 weeks to 8-9 lbs. I expect to gain about 3 of those pounds back, but that means I am at least 5 lbs down officially. I am at 155.8 today. I hope to be at 153.7 tomorrow just to make weight for this challenge, but it is unlikely. However, in the first two weeks I dropped 2 lbs in the last day.

I found the challenge mostly easy to do if you isolate yourself (except for your day off / meal off), but in social situations it is just plain annoying. The best part was the daily contact with the other girls, the great skin I now have from eating more veggies and drinking more water, and the boost in motivation for exercise. The drawback was having to plan 5 meals a day, 6 days a week, but even that becomes fairly easy after a few days.

I realized that no matter how much weight you have to lose, everyone approaches weight loss differently. But the great thing is that by communicating with others who are trying to lose weight, you share your "best practices" and eliminate some potentially unhealthy habits/obsessions. For example, others will remind you that you will gain a bit of weight from muscle, that all bodies are not created equal (ahem! in reference to the BMI), that deprivation only pays off in the short-term and moderation is key, that it's actually GOOD to take a day or a week off sometimes...

In my case, I am a very muscular person, always have been. So even when I looked my thinnest (when I was 13-14 probably), I was always heavier than I appeared. So even though I "should" be between 110-130 lbs for my height (5'2") according to BMI charts and statistics, I am aiming for a healthy 140-145 lbs. I think that's when I'll have achieved my goal of getting my outer self to reflect my inner self. I mean that I am a hyper, extremely active person, and I always hated feeling like people see me as lazy. Now I don't care so much what other people think, but I do care about my body's ability to actually perform as I get older.

At 183 lbs I was already starting to feel pains all over and have hip and sciatic nerve problems (and a few years back I was almost 200 lbs). Now, with physiotherapy and careful exercise and diet, I can function so much better. It may have taken 7 months to lose almost 30 lbs, but it's a very important 30 lbs to me. It is very difficult for me to slim down. I am built thick and my body likes to stay this way. I normally would get more and more depressed as I got heavier, and thus less likely to persist long enough to actually lose weight, but this time life pushed me into a corner. I am thankful, because without the breakup, the horrible living situation at times, and this constant state of not knowing where I'll be in the next few months, I would have never focused so adamantly on my health.

For those trying to lose much more weight than I had to lose, I send you persistence. That is all it takes. You will fall off the wagon sometimes, but what's important is starting over, again and again. Make it fun for yourself as it gets easier. Make it a little more challenging. Try new things, new foods, new exercises, new good habits. And when it gets really tough, take a day off and start over the next day. Don't focus strictly on weight loss: take measurements, focus on how many veggies you eat in a day or how much water, and naturally the weight will come off as a side effect. Focus on every aspect of your well-being and your body will thank you.

I still have another 10-15 lbs to lose and these will be the hardest of all I am seeing. I keep seeing the scale go up and down like never before. I am doing everything I can and it's going at a snail's pace. So even though it's only 10 lbs, I still need that strength too...

Good luck everyone!