Still fat?

Okay, I don’t care what anyone thinks, I have to talk about this, as ridiculous as some of you may find it, because it is on my mind and frankly, well, this is MY blog anyway.

Here I am, one day further along in the process of weight loss. I have successfully lost over 30 lbs now, and have surpassed all my objectives so far. As I have lost the weight, my perspective has shifted and my goals changed, while I am fighting hard to not become someone who cannot ever be satisfied. For now though, I know I am still not in my “healthy” weight range, and not to my liking physically. I am an athletic person and I would like my body to be in top shape so I stop getting injured so often and my outside reflects all the healthy things I feed my insides J
Here’s the problem though. I have lost 30 lbs, which is a lot. And I now weigh only 152 lbs, which is not fat. BUT, one day I feel amazing about my body and really see a difference (mainly in clothing sizes, not in the mirror), and then lately, the opposite is true. I am at my lowest weight and now, more than ever, I am not seeing any difference and am feeling very fat. I can even grab overflowing handfuls of fat rolls when I am sitting. I am not talking about the layer of skin most skinny girls point out as a “roll” they’d like to get rid of, but substantial, meaty, inches-thick fat. And I have a flat stomach when standing, aside from a relatively small gut. My thighs still look gigantic to me as well.

Now I try to not be discouraged by these things, and be realistic as well: I know my body has been shrinking proportionately, and therefore, will look the same naked as it did before (with the exception of my stomach, which is now flat like before I got too overweight, and my face, which now has a visible bone structure). I try to remind myself that this is primarily about my health and not so much vanity, and that every thin person also has weird body parts they have to get used to.

I think what’s happening is that I used to have thicker, more solid fat that was harder to grab, tighter. Now, the fat is loosening, which is mostly a good thing if I continue to eat well and exercise, but looks very unappealing. I am pasty white which doesn’t help either J I just don’t understand why I really, honestly and truly see myself almost exactly the same way I saw myself at 186 lbs. In any case, I am keeping my next goal at 140 lbs by year’s end. I think that is just over what I am ‘supposed’ to weigh, but a comfortable weight for me to maintain. After that, 2011 will be focused on toning and trying to get rid of the flabby look.