Gripes

Feeling down, don't want to live today.

Don't worry, I feel this way often over the past year and I will not act on it, but I am not being dramatic either. This is me in 2010, dealing with my life and all that's happened. Mostly hyper and happy, with un underlying, repressed side of depression and suicidal thoughts. I do everything I can to stay sane, but every now and then my reality springs back to the fore. Then it's merely an exercise of putting things in perspective to realize that no matter what is lingering beneath the surface, my life just really ain't that bad.

So since I am in a shitty mood, I am going to whine for 5 minutes then I'll be done with it, focus on my work and get through to the end of the day so I can go to my friend's cottage and rest.

1. Weigh in was disappointing today. I was at 153 yesterday and this morning almost 155, and that was a little unexpected. I am not working out since I injured my back and the pain keeps coming back late in the day, so I figure I need to not extend my left arm at all if possible for the next few days, then try to massage and stretch it daily after that. I think not exercising (though I have been taking walks) is getting me down too.

2. I went to try on boots. I thought that after losing 30 lbs and inches off my legs I would be able to finally fit in some boots, but alas, my calves are still abnormally large for my shoe size apparently. Not one pair of boots under $200 fits me. I simply will not pay over $200 for a pair of shoes because I inevitably wear them all the time and ruin them within a year. I actually found a great pair of Canadian-made rubber boots for $50!!! And yes, the deliberately oversized leg hole was still too small for these sausages. I HATE MY CALVES! Only because I cannot ever fit into any pair of boots ever!!!!

3. I love having my lunches alone, to myself, but today was just depressing. I had some yummy sushi in some other food court where I wont see anyone I know, but I am in a 'hating people' mood, so I guess I probably should have tried to make a lunch and take a walk after like I usually do.

4. work sucks. I suck at it these days. I don't have the energy to focus or try harder and this really bugs me. It is being noticed and that is not a good thing.

Okay, whining over. back to work and I will do my best to try to smack on a smile and get through to bedtime :)