again, still here.

Hi readers!

I have still been running with some frequency, but I have had little time to post since my only Internet time outside of work has been spent posting listings/ads for my condo now that I dropped my agent, and doing freelance works. I got to translate not one, but two good friends' company websites and it's so much nicer than corporate junk I usually work on (though I do have a 'thing' for occupational health and safety related corporate documents, but don't ask me why).

I will soon be revising a master's level law thesis, now THAT will be less fun :)

So I am completely focused on selling my place before July1, the arbitrary day on which all people in QC moves in hoardes, out of their apartments and into others. That is THE hot date in the real estate industry, so they say. Still after 6 years of living here I find two things about the QC rental housing system absurd: that most people take their fridge/stove with them AND that everyone would rather move on the same day, jacking up the prices of everything and minimizing availability (trucks, boxes, movers). In any case, it's a race against time for me...

a successful week

Not much time to scribble, but just wanted to say that I ran five times over the past week, for a total of roughly 25 km. I think I'll be fine for my June 1 charity run, but I'm trying to make a habit of 5 km so I can start advancing to my former 10 km runs. For now I'm just happy to be getting out there, getting sunshine and getting back in shape.

Hairy got a new job!! It's a great move forward for him and I'm also happy about the better schedule. Eeee.

My Portuguese classes ended this week, so I will have to push myself to practice until next October. Hopefully I will win the trip to the Azores that I have entered to win through the school.

Have a great day!

Brace yourself, it's about to get hokey in here!

Have you ever felt complete and utter freedom? Some people feel it when they do extreme sports, though neither bungee nor skydiving had that particular effect on me, but rather a sense of peace and admiration at the natural setting into which I was plunging.

Today, for about 1 minute, I had an overwhelming sense of freedom. I woke up at about 7:30, telling myself I had to go running 1) because it is beautiful outside, 2) because I have a million things to do and if I don't do it now I never will, and 3) because it's the only way to calm my mind so I can just start doing all those chores. So, I did all my preparations (eating a very small amount of food, this time a slice of cheese, drinking some water, etc.) and then head out for a somewhat unwelcome run.

About 10 minutes in, I was alone running along the canal and bam! Like that, I felt "this is freedom." I felt what I probably should feel (and be so grateful for) every day. The sense of security, safety, peace so many people never have the luxury of feeling. The sense of well-being that comes with having loving people in your life, a good job, a healthy body and a home.

Alright, alright, enough with that cheesy stuff. So yeah, I hauled ass and ran anout 35 minutes (roughly 5 km) and even stopped at a nearby park for 3 pull ups... though the hipster walking her dog was looking at me confusedly, so I felt awkward and left. Otherwise, I might have done some pushups and other stuff.

It's still a pain in the ass (in my mind) to get myself to workout, BUT, I also still enjoy it when I'm doing it. I can't wait for beach volleyball to start back up.

I have to go take a shower. I am eating last night's dinner for breakfast, since I'll need some fuel to get through a day of shopping. It's quite good:

Quinoa salad with walnuts, dried cranberries, spinach, salt, pepper, orange juice and olive oil. The original recipe called for thyme and pecans instead of walnuts, but I used what we had, and threw in some spinach for good measure. Oh and orange zest... that makes a big difference, can't forget that!

I can't believe it took me this long to post

I'm having troubles with procrastination lately. Too many things on my mind, so everything shuts down and all I wanna do is sleep or watch TV. Don't get me wrong, I am still doing a lot of stuff all the time, but the stuff that requires full consciousness is much less appealing these days.

With my promotion, I find that I am simply exhausted at the end of most days. It's not physical fatigue, but mental. I absorb a lot of the problems and have to stay focused on the solution. I do finish every day feeling like I accomplished something though, so it's a rewarding kind of feeling too. The days go by quickly, but more intensely than before and it takes all my energy to keep breathing and moving forward, not letting the moments of stress cloud the "bigger picture." I wish this were as easy for me to do in my personal life as it is for me at work.

In any case, all this to say I am sorry for not blogging for so long.

I have signed up for two, count em', two 5 km races in June. The first one also includes an additional 5 km run from the site to a friend's place who lives near me. I signed up to really give myself a push to run more regularly. It worked: I got home yesterday exhausted, but put on my gear and went for a 30 minute run around my hood.

The other day I did George St-Pierre's workout video Rushfit and was aching for 2 days. I think I'll start doing that one once a week.

I don't have time to say much else except that I am not pleased with myself in terms of exercise, but am walking more. Food hasn't been too great either, but I am still here, still trying.

Spring in my step and short-lived dreams

Happy Easter, Pasqua, Pacques, Pesa!

I am celebrating by finally taking the time to do my nails, eating a Magnolia Bakery red velvet cupcake and getting ready to go to Hairy's grandparents' house for Easter lunch/dinner... a Portuguese feast of deliciousness.

The weather has been beautiful lately, so I took advantage to finally get some air and light exercise this weekend. I was down to 140-141 lbs this morning thanks to losing muscle from being in bed all the time. It's a good thing since I feel lighter, but I've been eating whatever I want because I don't like the feeling of losing weight and feeling weaker. Now I will slowly start getting active again. Hairy and I made a deal to run together once each weekend now that the weather's nice. In addition to volleyball (starting in May) this will keep me much more motivated, and I wont mind going to the gym a couple times a week in between.

In food news, the ever impossible task of importing a half dozen cupcakes from NYC for my personal enjoyment was achieved at long last by my friend and former manager who shall be named Foodie for blogging purposes. As a fellow food-obsessor, she truly understands where this need for the cupcakes comes from and was able to deliver the goods. I am sad that Magnolia Bakery changed the icing for the red velvet, but their cupcakes are still the best. I can only chock it up to the fact they have found the perfect icing to cake ratio, and their cake is always soft, fluffy yet dense enough to feel rich. Every other cupcake place I have tried has one good one maybe, but none have managed to achieve this level of cupcakey perfection. I don't really like cupcakes apart from theirs, and a couple of random ones from various locations.

Yesterday I walked 10 km in total. First walking around my hood with Foodie, then walking around another hood with another friend, let's call her Noblet. After walking with Noblet, I walked back home from downtown, and took some time to take side streets and check out a park I'd been meaning to have a look at. In fact, Hairy is looking for some outdoor basketball courts that would be usable for his team or for his own practice. We found one close to home, but when we went to play, it was still covered in slushy snow. We had decided to go buy a shovel and remove the snow ourselves, but ended up stopping for lunch and lost our motivation. Since then though, I have found two other snowless courts, so it's good we didn't waste our time. Soon Hairy and I will go head to head on the courts, where he will witness me butchering his favourite sport. I may have been born athletic and raised to play all sports, but basketball is my worst by a long shot. I was known as Airball in elementary school, which is the last time I ever really played, obviously.

As I walked around those side streets, in an area that I foresee being the place of my future home, I found the street I would LOVE to live on. It had colourful, well-maintained duplexes that this city is known for, but hidden away among many less beautiful streets. For a brief moment, I thought I had found my future street and let my imagination wander. Then, I got home and looked up the homes that are for sale there, and my dreams were dashed. There is no way I would be able to afford a home there anytime in the next 10 years, so that's out. Fortunately, for now, the other less beautiful streets still have many reasonably priced homes. I guess I'll have to just walk that street and dream...

Checking in and checking out

Hi friends.

I am just providing a brief update so you can know I have a valid excuse for my absence.

After the food poisoning and finally getting back into shape, I caught a horrendous flu. Think skin pain, muscle aches, fever, chest congestion. When all of that started to fade and I went back to work after 4 days off, I ended up leaving early again with a wicked pain in my ear and sinuses. It worsened and I was an emotional wreck by the time I got home. Throughout the night I kept taking Tylenol for the pain and I could no longer hear out my right ear.

When I woke up this morning to a sudden feeling of relief from some of the pressure in my face, I realized there was fresh blood in my ear. I decided it was time to go to the doctor.

Turns out I have developed a severe ear infection that burst and am now on antibiotics. I have never taken so many vitamins, supplements and pharmaceuticals in my life I think. I generally don't get sick much, or when I do it is super intense and quick. This is dragging and keeps changing from one awful symptom to the next. I am relieved to know these antiobiotics will allow me to hear again soon and not relive the stigmata for Easter.

Thankfully, my boyfriend, who is also not well, has been doing a lot to take care of me, since there were a few days where I was non-functional.

I wont be back at the gym probably for another week or more given that my lungs are still so congested. I do hope to start moving more since 5 days in a tiny apartment are enough to make me insane.

In a new light

Since last weekend things have been good. I got to sub on volleyball teams twice, for early games no less. I was surprisingly good despite months off the sport. I sure was in pain afterward though, but it's a worthwhile kind of pain.

My weight is dropping. I am currently at 144, but again, I have made weight loss only a secondary objective. My main goal is now to be more active, and in that, I am succeeding. In addition to making healthier food choices in general, I now walk every day at lunch again, which has more benefits overall than volleyball or the gym I think. It energizes me, which makes me able to do all the other stuff.

This week I walked a bunch of places: to appointments, to class, home, to pick up produce, etc. Yesterday, since it was so beautiful outside, I went for a long, leisurely walk of about 1.5-2 hours in total I believe. My butt is thanking me by turning upward again and my stomach is getting flatter. People truly underestimate how effective walking is as an exercise, as long as you do a lot of it scattered throughout the day.

Aside: Here's an interesting read about yet another dodgy industry: http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/story/2013/03/08/f-vp-crowe-big-sugar.html

Aaaand, back to me.

So, as I told you a few weeks ago, I have been taking Evening Primrose Oil and waiting to see what kind of effect it will have on me. So my short-term report is that it makes me sleep soundly, which was an unanticipated but enjoyable side effect, and it definitely lessened the bloating/cramps I typically get just before and after Aunt Flo arrives. The primary reason I am taking it though is to see if it will make me more regular (so that, in turn, I can better predict/manage my emotional state at specific times in my cycle). I will only know if it's working after about three cycles, so I'll keep you posted.

Walking = feeling more energetic = less down about eating well/exercising (more into it = doing more of it) = weight loss and better overall mood. All that combined with putting less pressure on myself is a good thing. I have to remember that the VERY FIRST thing that made me able to lose all that weight years ago was when I decided to stop with the guilt over being fat, eating garbage and being lazy. To let go of the negative thinking and instead focus on doing something about it. And THAT is something to feel good about.

A nice end to a rough week...

... well, one horribly rough day anyway.

I asked a friend if she'd be willing to escape the city with me this weekend, and she gladly obliged. We spent Friday brainstorming and only came up with one car rental and an idea of where we would go. Separately, at home, we had both ended up looking up things to do and where they are, so when the next morning came, we didn't even realize we had a full day already planned.

We stopped for the best croissants in town to get the trip started right. The first stop on arriving at our destination was tube sliding :) I was amazed at how frightened I was of even the beginner slopes. How embarrassing, when parents are practically chucking 2-year-olds down those very hills with no fear. In any case, we "manned up" and got to sliding, which was a lot of fun... especially what they call a tornado, which is like a bucket in which about 8 people sit and slide down, but under the weight, the bucket begins to spin as it descends at lightning speed. It would have been more fun had we not ended up with little kids who weigh nothing, because it was obvious the heavier buckets spun much faster.

Then, we had intended to have a light lunch since I had carefully selected a fancy dinner place for us to try, but when I saw that the sugar shack opened that VERY day, I could not resist: it has been maybe four years since I've been, and fortunately this friend is a fan.

Afterward, we drove around a bit on the hunt for a place to go snowshoeing, something neither of us had ever done. The weather was not as sunny and warm as in the morning, but when we did finally find a place, the weather couldn't have been more perfect really. It was grey and heavy snowflakes fell as we trekked alongside a partially frozen river, in a forest with probably 5-6 feet of perfect, fluffy snow cover and no one around. We only did one hour of snowshoeing since it was getting chilly and late, but I would love to go back and explore more of the area. What a great invention snowshoes are, especially the modern ones with the metal spikes :)

Next, it was time to visit the factory outlets very briefly. I picked up one Nike workout T-shirt and some fruit at a grocery store. Then we were basically done with that and went up to the main street in the village, where there is a good coffee place I like. We stayed there having something called a mochalattecino... it was good to warm up a bit and digest the heavy lunch before moving on to dinner :)

Good restaurants in this ski/tourist resort town are few and far between, so I dared to try a newer, fancier and "hipper" place than the usual places I try there. My friend and I shared a foodies plate that included: pate, proscuitto, salami, salad, tartiflette de roblochon (don't ask, it's so fat and it's good, but not great), a mini-poutine, and three varieties of crostini: a pair with calamari... very nice, a pair that was standard bruschetta, and the final duo being a mushroom/chicken combo. We each topped that off with a glass of Portuguese wine, hers white, mine red. The owner came out to see if all was edible, and the staff were very friendly. Overall the food was enjoyable.

All in all, a perfect day. Oh and I came home to Hairy, who had been in the U.S. with friends for the day, and who bought me a pack of super awesome flourescent workout socks and a Bluth banana stand shirt to sleep in, which is one of the coolest things I have ever received... For those who don't have any clue what a Bluth banana stand is, it's a reference to the TV show Arrested Development, which is a big favourite of mine.

This morning my stomach isn't feeling so hot because of all the fatty food, but I'm about to bring the rental car back then likely hit the gym for a light workout. My weight is still under control too since all I ate yesterday probably made up for the calories I did not consume Thursday.

I hope you enjoyed reading a more positive blog than my usual. It really was a much-needed escape.

recovery

Well, it was definitely food poisoning since I feel MUCH better now.

Yesterday, after posting on the blog, the situation got worse again. I was writhing in pain, my muscles and lower back aching, and felt nauseous, dehydrated and underslept. Hairy went to get me Gravol, which made it possible to quell the nausea a few hours at a time, and helped me sleep. Eventually, Advil killed off the back and muscle pain, and Gatorade seemed to bring my brain back to life.

I have never felt so awful before, but thank god I had Hairy here because if I didn't have someone to go to the store for me I couldn't have left the house myself.

Today I will bring oatmeal for lunch since I want to stick to plain foods and rehydrating. I am a little nervous about eating something that might trigger it all again.

And I was really pumped about the gym this week for once too! Oh well, another day another try. I'll go back once I am eating normally.

Have a good one.

uggghhh. what a night.

I am blogging right now because I am exhausted and need ways to stay seated upright and distracted from what I've been suffering through since about midnight.

I believe it is food poisoning, though the two-way tango makes it evoke much more amusing mental pictures.

I have had three big episodes of painful heaving and other less shareable experiences, interspersed with a brief moment of relief afterward followed by hours of nausea. To get any sleep at all, there was only one position that sufficed: sitting almost completely upright in a ball, leaning to the left... not the right, the left only. I have been trying to stomach glasses of water and boiled water with salt and honey. Soon Hairy will wake up and go get me ginger ale and crackers and I'll eat some bland food today. I'm really excited for ginger ale and crackers at this point.

I haven't had a stomach flu since just before moving to this city, 6 years ago. I do rather well at being all organized and proper through the messy stuff, but I especially hate the dull, lingering nausea in between spells. The heaving only matters for a few seconds.

Anyway, the bright side is that I just took a shower right after my third episode and brushed my teeth and feel a lot cleaner and my skin doesn't hurt so much with my temperature more normal now. Since it's a decent time to be awake, I will try not to sleep in that uncomfortable position and wait til the bed is free for me to setup a TV watching nest and sleep space that's more comfy.

I hope you're all having a better day than I.

Another good day

Yesterday I managed to do my old favourite lunch walk, up a really steep hill and back down. It did me a world of good, as did chatting on the phone with a great friend, which put me extra out-of-breath. These walks really make the day go by much more calmly.

I also had the energy for Portuguese class. Last week I ditched because a sudden bout of the blues hit me. As I explained, I've been dealing with some tough moments on and off, and have often been choosing to spend all my time in bed watching stuff on Netflix, because it's the only thing that requires nothing of me but staying awake, and is an effective distraction.

This is coming from someone who had all but stopped watching TV completely for the last few years, apart from movies and the occasional series. I just usually feel that if you turn on the TV for even 30 minutes, those are 30 minutes your brain could have actually been relaxing with quiet time, music, a conversation with a friend, catching up on emails, blogging, reading, exercising... or just NOT having that feeling like your schedule is so tight. I love a good TV show (and lord knows I probably spent 2/3 of my youth 19 watching TV), but the advertising gets to me as do the messages that get across. Despite being AWARE of the fact the messages we get from the media are unrealistic, it still has a big influence on what I perceive as normal to look like, how people age, how people's homes look, and the list goes on... For me, it's undue pressure. For others, they may not ever notice and live happy lives.

Okay, back to the point though: I am watching a lot of TV and not playing sports, and the combination has completely halted my energy momentum.

Momentum is absolutely key to motivation. To stick to something, you have to keep doing it. May sound redundant but it's true.

I went to the gym again today and had a very good workout. I did 30 minutes of treadmill, in a fairly passionate run, and then pull-ups, jumping squats, sideways leg lifts and stretching. I feel good since yesterday. I never know if that will continue but I don't really care. I am so relieved for me and for Hairy that I'm doing better right now.

Speaking of which, I told you I was taking baby steps to get help: well today, after years of putting it off, I finally got myself and my man on a list to get a family doctor. Soon a nurse will call us to assess our state of health, because the list is by health priority and not first-come, first-served. I hope they will agree that my need to consult someone for anxiety/depression is actually urgent-ish and does not constitute an emergency (since for serious stuff they say just go to Emergency). It could take years to get a doctor, but at least at some point I may have one.

I'll see what they say when they call, and depending how long it will take I may seek more immediate remedies.

By the way, the Evening Primrose Oil, so far, appears to be doing nothing (though I'll really know after my next T.O.M.), except it makes me sleep very soundly, without any feelings as though I took sleeping pills at all. I don't even know if they're intended to help with sleep, but they really do in my case.

To wrap this up, I went to buy my lunch today at a place that's far enough to count as a lunchtime walk, there and back. It was a tomato/basil pizza that is fairly light. I just are two organic eggs (there is a slight and enjoyable difference compared to regular eggs), and a spinach salad with cucumber and tomato, olive oil, salt, pepper, squeeze of lemon and a dash of balsamic. I will keep myself some room for a decaf espresso and a little sweet treat. Gotta go.

So here's the thing.

Weight = Of no consequence at the moment. Fluctuates regularly but stays in the same ballpark and is not trending upward anymore.

Height = I suppose gradually diminishing with age and regular slouching induced by deskwork and curling up in balls care of depression.

I feel like every time I get on here to proudly say I took one more step in the right direction, the next few days are spent moving backward. It has been a roller coaster.

I discussed my state of mental wellness with Hairy yesterday, and his thinking is that I need to find the same drive I had a few years back when I was in a pit of chubby despair. I need to delve into the depths of my inner strength and commit to making myself the person I will feel good about being.

The hitch is this (while not an excuse, I think it's a valid point): Back then, I was fighting outer forces. I was fighting money problems, a bad relationship, poor past choices, weight issues, and so on. All of this RESULTED in depression/anxiety, but once I started to sleep, eat and exercise well, and taught myself the counter-intuitive art of patience/denial, all was well.

Now, I wont explain the details, but life is as I've always wanted it to be: simple and filled with love. Now my mental problems have become more apparent than ever. Without other negative forces in my life, all the bad inside me has free reign. All I can say is that even though I'm not treating it like an emergency, I am taking baby baby steps to get help. I need time and mental preparation every time I have to call / visit a doctor, go to a health store and ask questions, etc. I need time to prepare to go shopping for new clothes even.

I'll look at it this way going forward: instead of aiming for 3-5 days of working out intensely, I am aiming just to make it to the gym more than twice a week, and if that means 15 minutes of treadmill then home, so be it. I did my long walk at lunch today and it gave me energy. I think a big part of my problem is without my lunchtime walks, I get home wiped out mentally. When my brain is tired, I have less emotional control.

Today what worked was repeating over and over (if you think it's stupid, try it with something that scares you to death and then talk to me): "it's not a beauty competition, and that would be a losing/neverending battle. Hairy is with me for who I am and there will always be someone prettier, but they won't be me." It's really hard to find things that work when all your mind wants to do is bash yourself, but today, this is what worked.

Back in the game

I am still anywhere from 145.5 to 147 lbs on any given day, but I'm trying not to care so much about this. My real concern is my lack of consistency. I have been going to the gym maybe two to three times per week on average, while this time last year I was playing volleyball twice a week, working out four times a week and sometimes doing other kinds of workouts.

I've been standing a little more on the metro and taking the stairs on occasion. And I've tried to start walking again at lunchtime. I think my new role at work makes it hard for me to take a solid 30 minutes to walk and eat my desk before, because I get a lot of last minute requests and changes that are hard to set aside. I'm really trying, but I just need the nice weather to come back and at least for that I will be very motivated.

It's been an emotional roller coaster for the last little while, but now it's more like a kid ride than a big, scary one. I am trying out evening primrose oil as a natural supplement. It's not EXACTLY designed to do what I need it to, but it may help. I was also recommended Vitex Combo for the PMS-related depression, anxiety, and other things. I took it the first day I got it, and I must say I was wired and upbeat all day while I should have been grumpy because of a mild hangover (which ALWAYS leaves me grumpy in the afternoon). Based on my reading, primrose oil is much less 'traumatic' for the body than this herb combo for hormone balancing, so I am sticking to just the former for the next few weeks. I think consulting a doctor before taking the other would be wise.

I worked out last night, and it was a good one. I still feel lethargic whenever I think about doing exercise, but I'm getting there and doing it anyway. I just wish I could be as motivated from Friday-Sunday, when it isn't part of a strict routine. If you remember, I absolutely need routine to stick to anything...

Off to vurk.

Can't pick a title

I am sorry I've been out of commission, but I'll be back with a new post soon. promise.

oooh I'm sooo gonna kill you PMS

I went back to the gym, fully prepped and coaching myself to cope with the inevitable facing of my fear. I did it. Shockingly well. This is good news and bad news.

The good news is that my anxiety is basically manageable in ideal conditions: I feel good about myself, certain stressors are not there, and my hormones are in check.

The bad news: the minute a bad thing happens I am no longer equipped to cope. It is truly like night and day the difference I feel compared to last week in terms of sanity. And yet, I faced the exact same fear.

Anyway, all this to say there may be hope at the end of this tunnel. I need to see about PMS-y supplements and somehow snaggle my way in to see the ever elusive doctor.

For now, I consider facing my fear a victory... for one day anyway. Especially since I felt a little crappy and didn't feel like working out at all, and ended up having a great 45 minute run.

I am still here.

I am still here. I am still making some effort to get in shape and watch what I eat. I just tuned out for a bit since I wasn't quite sure what to make of my thoughts and state of mind last week.

I have deduced that the combination of grieving and PMS make for nasty anxiety attacks. A medical professional I spoke to recently said she had often heard gynecologists repeat that no woman needs to suffer during PMS since there are 'fixes' for all of it. I don't have much in the way of physical symptoms, but any stress, anxiety or problem I have is exponentially more dramatic and devastating during that time. It's time for me to speak to the doctor and go to the natural food store to see what other options I have. By the way, I'm not talking about just being bitchy or sad, I am talking my mind turns on me and I can no longer function whatsoever and suffer from sever depression, but literally just for the 1 or 2 days when it's at its worst and it shows up and disappears out of nowhere (triggered by my usual anxieties but blown way out of proportion). So it's not a cop-out to blame it on PMS, but that explains the worst part of what's been going on for me. The anxiety itself is always there and I'm working on that...

I would like to thing I am being "strong" because I went back to my regular gym yesterday, mentally coaching myself through the possible re-facing of my fear. I was not faced with it, but inevitably will be when I go back later in the week. There is much I cannot control, but my behaviour is something that I can... or so I'm told. I will give it a real try. I am going to at least give the appearance of a regular person being calm and normal until my mind catches up.

I have to leave now. I was 145.8 this morning. I went to the gym after a few days off since I had injured my neck. All's back in order now.

Improvements

Hi. I am 148 point something this morning but I ate Indian food very late last night so I figure my weight is really still at about 146.5 "en temps normal".

I am feeling mostly better. I went to a different gym yesterday: one that's closer to work, fancier, and much busier. I don't really like it, but I could get used to it for now until I'm better equipped to go back to my regular spot.

After doing a 30 minute run on treadmills that are so different from the older ones at my regular gym that I could barely figure them out, I did 15 pullups in 3 sets of 5. Unfortunately, I managed to badly pull a muscle in my neck and now cannot look to the left or upward (which means Hairy has to crouch down to my level for a kiss now :) It feels a bit better this morning, so that's promising.

Here's an interesting article:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/story/2013/01/30/obesity-weight-loss-myths.html

checking in

Hi there!

I am gradually starting to feel better. I am making a conscious effort to counter any instincts to put myself down, and trying to frame things more realistically. I still feel "grey," slow and forgetful, but filling my time with distractions really helps. I will make my way back to the gym today, but a different gym, across from my work, for the time being. For now I sometimes force myself to think about the source of my fear and tell myself there is no threat, it means nothing, and my fear is the problem, not the object of it.

I am holding at 146.8 today, but I did go for a walk at lunch. I am trying to reintegrate my old habits from last year. Eating more homemade meals too. Hairy has been helping me through all this and we have been watching the entire "The Office" series. We are finally at the part when Jim kisses Pam, eeee.

I read a book called Free Will by Sam Harris. It's a sort of essay in plain language and is pretty interesting. I found one his others, entitled Lying, for Kindle for $3 and will read it soon. I also recently finished Life of Pi and thought it wrapped up nicely.

And in case you are wondering, my top movie picks for 2012 are Detachment and Max and Mary (or Mary and Max). In light movies, I'd say "The Mechanic" for action, Friends with Kids and Away we Go. In oddly un-techy science fiction..."Never let me go"... WOW as a writer/editor I realize how shitty that was in terms of proper use of italics, quotation marks, etc. But I just got lazy and need to leave for work now.

Gotta run.

...

I just wanted to check in to say hello.

I was 146.0 this morning. I am eating normally but haven't been back to the gym or work since the "incident" and am now trying to figure out how to face my fear so I can move forward.

I have had a bad few days and want to thank everyone for being understanding. It appears so many smart, funny, beautiful people I know have deep-seated insecurities and fears. They manifest themselves in so many different ways. Some, like me, have all our emotions right at the surface like exposed nerves. Others shift their focus or bury their feelings. Others have the good sense to force themselves to let it go. It is essentially a control issue in my case. I cannot accept things that I absolutely cannot control.

I guess it's like everything, I need to practice every day, and eventually it will be my normal.

So I am taking one last day of rest to build up the strength to deal with my everyday life--this really makes it sounds like my life is awful, which is anything but the case.

I took a long walk alone in the cold, sunny air yesterday and it did me some good. I may not be able to handle the gym just yet, but there are still other ways for me to take care.

Now I need to go eat lunch and then nap. I hope you are all doing well, even if I may be out of touch.

speechless

146.2 today. bleh. I am in my workout gear eating breakfast and getting ready to go attempt working out.

I have a specific kind of anxiety that most of my readers already know about and others may not. I prefer not to get into it, except to say that this week, I was confronted with this anxiety at my gym and it is something I will have to face over and over again. To avoid the source of my stress I would need to change gyms, which would likely end with the same thing happening over again.

This week has been a bad week. I cannot give more details or it will unleash emotions I am too exhausted to deal with at the moment. I believe that maybe the anxiety attacks are so much worse since I lost my aunt this week, since they're generally worse when I am in a bad state (extra tired, PMS, depressed, etc.). I thought I was coping well with losing my aunt, but I am completely unable to manage my own emotions over things especially one thing. I am so frustrated.

I don't know why I care what happens to other people, but I often wonder if other people have something that makes them feel totally and completely inadequate. On the one hand, I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone, because it's a problem that is extremely hard to escape/eliminate; but on the other, I would would feel comforted knowing other people have had this and overcame it.

I am working on it, but even though the really bad attacks only happen once in a while, when they do come on, it feels like it has been constant for my entire life. I need to continue to exercise, eat well, sleep well and work on my brain and thought patterns, but right now I just feel like I am crumbling.