It is very late and I didn't get any sleep last night, so I am going to bed soon. My only saving grace is that I HAVE NO PLANS tomorrow THANK GOD, so I can do stuff I need to do, like buy groceries and put away clean clothes and exercise... oh and will I ever need to exercise.
Before I get to the heavier stuff, let's talk about why I will be struggling tomorrow. I finally made it to 162.0 today after an insanely sweaty (thus productive) workout. I was happy, but only mildly. Why, you ask, because I know I should be at 160 by now and that I am in a vicious cycle of self-sabotage / punishment / sabotage / punishment, and so on. After a killer workout (see below for why it was so tough) and finally getting back on track, I went to a family function. I knew the food would abound, but I underestimated by a long shot. I ate a light smoothie for breakfast and even at the lunch restaurant my family wanted to stop at I only ordered toast and coffee because I knew I would be indulging. However, I later filled my plate with mostly pasta/potato salads, bread and cheese. That wouldn't be so bad if they had only put out one cake, but no, they had cheesecake, baklava, tiramisu and wedding-like cakes, plural. I am now at 167.2, and will likely be a solid 165 tomorrow morning. Ugh. Again, no one to blame but me.
The reason I couldn't sleep, well I am not exactly sure. I know one thing though, I am finding it harder and harder to control worrisome thoughts about various events or non-events taking place in my life. This is the more obvious cause of my non-sleep. I slept for possibly a total of 1.5 solid hours out of an attempted 9... I woke up angry, really angry. Once my workout was about 10 minutes in, I felt energized. I was glad because I needed that to get through the day. I am now exhausting myself to the point where I will naturally shut down. I can sleep in all day tomorrow if I want and I am thrilled about that.
It's been an odd couple of weeks. I feel odd. I feel un-me. I am happy in moments with friends, running errands, even doing nothing deliberately, but the in betweens are stressful as hell and I think my mind is done with surpressing it. I still need to maintain composure though, until things are in order, but man is my sanity taking a toll.
I am going to bed now. I will try not to think. I will try to stay positive about my efforts and results. And I will try not to worry about things that don't need to be worried about. I will also try to remember to stop suppressing feelings with sugar.
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