I am blogging right now because I am exhausted and need ways to stay seated upright and distracted from what I've been suffering through since about midnight.
I believe it is food poisoning, though the two-way tango makes it evoke much more amusing mental pictures.
I have had three big episodes of painful heaving and other less shareable experiences, interspersed with a brief moment of relief afterward followed by hours of nausea. To get any sleep at all, there was only one position that sufficed: sitting almost completely upright in a ball, leaning to the left... not the right, the left only. I have been trying to stomach glasses of water and boiled water with salt and honey. Soon Hairy will wake up and go get me ginger ale and crackers and I'll eat some bland food today. I'm really excited for ginger ale and crackers at this point.
I haven't had a stomach flu since just before moving to this city, 6 years ago. I do rather well at being all organized and proper through the messy stuff, but I especially hate the dull, lingering nausea in between spells. The heaving only matters for a few seconds.
Anyway, the bright side is that I just took a shower right after my third episode and brushed my teeth and feel a lot cleaner and my skin doesn't hurt so much with my temperature more normal now. Since it's a decent time to be awake, I will try not to sleep in that uncomfortable position and wait til the bed is free for me to setup a TV watching nest and sleep space that's more comfy.
I hope you're all having a better day than I.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Another good day
Yesterday I managed to do my old favourite lunch walk, up a really steep hill and back down. It did me a world of good, as did chatting on the phone with a great friend, which put me extra out-of-breath. These walks really make the day go by much more calmly.
I also had the energy for Portuguese class. Last week I ditched because a sudden bout of the blues hit me. As I explained, I've been dealing with some tough moments on and off, and have often been choosing to spend all my time in bed watching stuff on Netflix, because it's the only thing that requires nothing of me but staying awake, and is an effective distraction.
This is coming from someone who had all but stopped watching TV completely for the last few years, apart from movies and the occasional series. I just usually feel that if you turn on the TV for even 30 minutes, those are 30 minutes your brain could have actually been relaxing with quiet time, music, a conversation with a friend, catching up on emails, blogging, reading, exercising... or just NOT having that feeling like your schedule is so tight. I love a good TV show (and lord knows I probably spent 2/3 of my youth 19 watching TV), but the advertising gets to me as do the messages that get across. Despite being AWARE of the fact the messages we get from the media are unrealistic, it still has a big influence on what I perceive as normal to look like, how people age, how people's homes look, and the list goes on... For me, it's undue pressure. For others, they may not ever notice and live happy lives.
Okay, back to the point though: I am watching a lot of TV and not playing sports, and the combination has completely halted my energy momentum.
Momentum is absolutely key to motivation. To stick to something, you have to keep doing it. May sound redundant but it's true.
I went to the gym again today and had a very good workout. I did 30 minutes of treadmill, in a fairly passionate run, and then pull-ups, jumping squats, sideways leg lifts and stretching. I feel good since yesterday. I never know if that will continue but I don't really care. I am so relieved for me and for Hairy that I'm doing better right now.
Speaking of which, I told you I was taking baby steps to get help: well today, after years of putting it off, I finally got myself and my man on a list to get a family doctor. Soon a nurse will call us to assess our state of health, because the list is by health priority and not first-come, first-served. I hope they will agree that my need to consult someone for anxiety/depression is actually urgent-ish and does not constitute an emergency (since for serious stuff they say just go to Emergency). It could take years to get a doctor, but at least at some point I may have one.
I'll see what they say when they call, and depending how long it will take I may seek more immediate remedies.
By the way, the Evening Primrose Oil, so far, appears to be doing nothing (though I'll really know after my next T.O.M.), except it makes me sleep very soundly, without any feelings as though I took sleeping pills at all. I don't even know if they're intended to help with sleep, but they really do in my case.
To wrap this up, I went to buy my lunch today at a place that's far enough to count as a lunchtime walk, there and back. It was a tomato/basil pizza that is fairly light. I just are two organic eggs (there is a slight and enjoyable difference compared to regular eggs), and a spinach salad with cucumber and tomato, olive oil, salt, pepper, squeeze of lemon and a dash of balsamic. I will keep myself some room for a decaf espresso and a little sweet treat. Gotta go.
I also had the energy for Portuguese class. Last week I ditched because a sudden bout of the blues hit me. As I explained, I've been dealing with some tough moments on and off, and have often been choosing to spend all my time in bed watching stuff on Netflix, because it's the only thing that requires nothing of me but staying awake, and is an effective distraction.
This is coming from someone who had all but stopped watching TV completely for the last few years, apart from movies and the occasional series. I just usually feel that if you turn on the TV for even 30 minutes, those are 30 minutes your brain could have actually been relaxing with quiet time, music, a conversation with a friend, catching up on emails, blogging, reading, exercising... or just NOT having that feeling like your schedule is so tight. I love a good TV show (and lord knows I probably spent 2/3 of my youth 19 watching TV), but the advertising gets to me as do the messages that get across. Despite being AWARE of the fact the messages we get from the media are unrealistic, it still has a big influence on what I perceive as normal to look like, how people age, how people's homes look, and the list goes on... For me, it's undue pressure. For others, they may not ever notice and live happy lives.
Okay, back to the point though: I am watching a lot of TV and not playing sports, and the combination has completely halted my energy momentum.
Momentum is absolutely key to motivation. To stick to something, you have to keep doing it. May sound redundant but it's true.
I went to the gym again today and had a very good workout. I did 30 minutes of treadmill, in a fairly passionate run, and then pull-ups, jumping squats, sideways leg lifts and stretching. I feel good since yesterday. I never know if that will continue but I don't really care. I am so relieved for me and for Hairy that I'm doing better right now.
Speaking of which, I told you I was taking baby steps to get help: well today, after years of putting it off, I finally got myself and my man on a list to get a family doctor. Soon a nurse will call us to assess our state of health, because the list is by health priority and not first-come, first-served. I hope they will agree that my need to consult someone for anxiety/depression is actually urgent-ish and does not constitute an emergency (since for serious stuff they say just go to Emergency). It could take years to get a doctor, but at least at some point I may have one.
I'll see what they say when they call, and depending how long it will take I may seek more immediate remedies.
By the way, the Evening Primrose Oil, so far, appears to be doing nothing (though I'll really know after my next T.O.M.), except it makes me sleep very soundly, without any feelings as though I took sleeping pills at all. I don't even know if they're intended to help with sleep, but they really do in my case.
To wrap this up, I went to buy my lunch today at a place that's far enough to count as a lunchtime walk, there and back. It was a tomato/basil pizza that is fairly light. I just are two organic eggs (there is a slight and enjoyable difference compared to regular eggs), and a spinach salad with cucumber and tomato, olive oil, salt, pepper, squeeze of lemon and a dash of balsamic. I will keep myself some room for a decaf espresso and a little sweet treat. Gotta go.
Monday, February 25, 2013
So here's the thing.
Weight = Of no consequence at the moment. Fluctuates regularly but stays in the same ballpark and is not trending upward anymore.
Height = I suppose gradually diminishing with age and regular slouching induced by deskwork and curling up in balls care of depression.
I feel like every time I get on here to proudly say I took one more step in the right direction, the next few days are spent moving backward. It has been a roller coaster.
I discussed my state of mental wellness with Hairy yesterday, and his thinking is that I need to find the same drive I had a few years back when I was in a pit of chubby despair. I need to delve into the depths of my inner strength and commit to making myself the person I will feel good about being.
The hitch is this (while not an excuse, I think it's a valid point): Back then, I was fighting outer forces. I was fighting money problems, a bad relationship, poor past choices, weight issues, and so on. All of this RESULTED in depression/anxiety, but once I started to sleep, eat and exercise well, and taught myself the counter-intuitive art of patience/denial, all was well.
Now, I wont explain the details, but life is as I've always wanted it to be: simple and filled with love. Now my mental problems have become more apparent than ever. Without other negative forces in my life, all the bad inside me has free reign. All I can say is that even though I'm not treating it like an emergency, I am taking baby baby steps to get help. I need time and mental preparation every time I have to call / visit a doctor, go to a health store and ask questions, etc. I need time to prepare to go shopping for new clothes even.
I'll look at it this way going forward: instead of aiming for 3-5 days of working out intensely, I am aiming just to make it to the gym more than twice a week, and if that means 15 minutes of treadmill then home, so be it. I did my long walk at lunch today and it gave me energy. I think a big part of my problem is without my lunchtime walks, I get home wiped out mentally. When my brain is tired, I have less emotional control.
Today what worked was repeating over and over (if you think it's stupid, try it with something that scares you to death and then talk to me): "it's not a beauty competition, and that would be a losing/neverending battle. Hairy is with me for who I am and there will always be someone prettier, but they won't be me." It's really hard to find things that work when all your mind wants to do is bash yourself, but today, this is what worked.
Height = I suppose gradually diminishing with age and regular slouching induced by deskwork and curling up in balls care of depression.
I feel like every time I get on here to proudly say I took one more step in the right direction, the next few days are spent moving backward. It has been a roller coaster.
I discussed my state of mental wellness with Hairy yesterday, and his thinking is that I need to find the same drive I had a few years back when I was in a pit of chubby despair. I need to delve into the depths of my inner strength and commit to making myself the person I will feel good about being.
The hitch is this (while not an excuse, I think it's a valid point): Back then, I was fighting outer forces. I was fighting money problems, a bad relationship, poor past choices, weight issues, and so on. All of this RESULTED in depression/anxiety, but once I started to sleep, eat and exercise well, and taught myself the counter-intuitive art of patience/denial, all was well.
Now, I wont explain the details, but life is as I've always wanted it to be: simple and filled with love. Now my mental problems have become more apparent than ever. Without other negative forces in my life, all the bad inside me has free reign. All I can say is that even though I'm not treating it like an emergency, I am taking baby baby steps to get help. I need time and mental preparation every time I have to call / visit a doctor, go to a health store and ask questions, etc. I need time to prepare to go shopping for new clothes even.
I'll look at it this way going forward: instead of aiming for 3-5 days of working out intensely, I am aiming just to make it to the gym more than twice a week, and if that means 15 minutes of treadmill then home, so be it. I did my long walk at lunch today and it gave me energy. I think a big part of my problem is without my lunchtime walks, I get home wiped out mentally. When my brain is tired, I have less emotional control.
Today what worked was repeating over and over (if you think it's stupid, try it with something that scares you to death and then talk to me): "it's not a beauty competition, and that would be a losing/neverending battle. Hairy is with me for who I am and there will always be someone prettier, but they won't be me." It's really hard to find things that work when all your mind wants to do is bash yourself, but today, this is what worked.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Back in the game
I am still anywhere from 145.5 to 147 lbs on any given day, but I'm trying not to care so much about this. My real concern is my lack of consistency. I have been going to the gym maybe two to three times per week on average, while this time last year I was playing volleyball twice a week, working out four times a week and sometimes doing other kinds of workouts.
I've been standing a little more on the metro and taking the stairs on occasion. And I've tried to start walking again at lunchtime. I think my new role at work makes it hard for me to take a solid 30 minutes to walk and eat my desk before, because I get a lot of last minute requests and changes that are hard to set aside. I'm really trying, but I just need the nice weather to come back and at least for that I will be very motivated.
It's been an emotional roller coaster for the last little while, but now it's more like a kid ride than a big, scary one. I am trying out evening primrose oil as a natural supplement. It's not EXACTLY designed to do what I need it to, but it may help. I was also recommended Vitex Combo for the PMS-related depression, anxiety, and other things. I took it the first day I got it, and I must say I was wired and upbeat all day while I should have been grumpy because of a mild hangover (which ALWAYS leaves me grumpy in the afternoon). Based on my reading, primrose oil is much less 'traumatic' for the body than this herb combo for hormone balancing, so I am sticking to just the former for the next few weeks. I think consulting a doctor before taking the other would be wise.
I worked out last night, and it was a good one. I still feel lethargic whenever I think about doing exercise, but I'm getting there and doing it anyway. I just wish I could be as motivated from Friday-Sunday, when it isn't part of a strict routine. If you remember, I absolutely need routine to stick to anything...
Off to vurk.
I've been standing a little more on the metro and taking the stairs on occasion. And I've tried to start walking again at lunchtime. I think my new role at work makes it hard for me to take a solid 30 minutes to walk and eat my desk before, because I get a lot of last minute requests and changes that are hard to set aside. I'm really trying, but I just need the nice weather to come back and at least for that I will be very motivated.
It's been an emotional roller coaster for the last little while, but now it's more like a kid ride than a big, scary one. I am trying out evening primrose oil as a natural supplement. It's not EXACTLY designed to do what I need it to, but it may help. I was also recommended Vitex Combo for the PMS-related depression, anxiety, and other things. I took it the first day I got it, and I must say I was wired and upbeat all day while I should have been grumpy because of a mild hangover (which ALWAYS leaves me grumpy in the afternoon). Based on my reading, primrose oil is much less 'traumatic' for the body than this herb combo for hormone balancing, so I am sticking to just the former for the next few weeks. I think consulting a doctor before taking the other would be wise.
I worked out last night, and it was a good one. I still feel lethargic whenever I think about doing exercise, but I'm getting there and doing it anyway. I just wish I could be as motivated from Friday-Sunday, when it isn't part of a strict routine. If you remember, I absolutely need routine to stick to anything...
Off to vurk.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Can't pick a title
I am sorry I've been out of commission, but I'll be back with a new post soon. promise.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
oooh I'm sooo gonna kill you PMS
I went back to the gym, fully prepped and coaching myself to cope with the inevitable facing of my fear. I did it. Shockingly well. This is good news and bad news.
The good news is that my anxiety is basically manageable in ideal conditions: I feel good about myself, certain stressors are not there, and my hormones are in check.
The bad news: the minute a bad thing happens I am no longer equipped to cope. It is truly like night and day the difference I feel compared to last week in terms of sanity. And yet, I faced the exact same fear.
Anyway, all this to say there may be hope at the end of this tunnel. I need to see about PMS-y supplements and somehow snaggle my way in to see the ever elusive doctor.
For now, I consider facing my fear a victory... for one day anyway. Especially since I felt a little crappy and didn't feel like working out at all, and ended up having a great 45 minute run.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
I am still here.
I am still here. I am still making some effort to get in shape and watch what I eat. I just tuned out for a bit since I wasn't quite sure what to make of my thoughts and state of mind last week.
I have deduced that the combination of grieving and PMS make for nasty anxiety attacks. A medical professional I spoke to recently said she had often heard gynecologists repeat that no woman needs to suffer during PMS since there are 'fixes' for all of it. I don't have much in the way of physical symptoms, but any stress, anxiety or problem I have is exponentially more dramatic and devastating during that time. It's time for me to speak to the doctor and go to the natural food store to see what other options I have. By the way, I'm not talking about just being bitchy or sad, I am talking my mind turns on me and I can no longer function whatsoever and suffer from sever depression, but literally just for the 1 or 2 days when it's at its worst and it shows up and disappears out of nowhere (triggered by my usual anxieties but blown way out of proportion). So it's not a cop-out to blame it on PMS, but that explains the worst part of what's been going on for me. The anxiety itself is always there and I'm working on that...
I would like to thing I am being "strong" because I went back to my regular gym yesterday, mentally coaching myself through the possible re-facing of my fear. I was not faced with it, but inevitably will be when I go back later in the week. There is much I cannot control, but my behaviour is something that I can... or so I'm told. I will give it a real try. I am going to at least give the appearance of a regular person being calm and normal until my mind catches up.
I have to leave now. I was 145.8 this morning. I went to the gym after a few days off since I had injured my neck. All's back in order now.
I have deduced that the combination of grieving and PMS make for nasty anxiety attacks. A medical professional I spoke to recently said she had often heard gynecologists repeat that no woman needs to suffer during PMS since there are 'fixes' for all of it. I don't have much in the way of physical symptoms, but any stress, anxiety or problem I have is exponentially more dramatic and devastating during that time. It's time for me to speak to the doctor and go to the natural food store to see what other options I have. By the way, I'm not talking about just being bitchy or sad, I am talking my mind turns on me and I can no longer function whatsoever and suffer from sever depression, but literally just for the 1 or 2 days when it's at its worst and it shows up and disappears out of nowhere (triggered by my usual anxieties but blown way out of proportion). So it's not a cop-out to blame it on PMS, but that explains the worst part of what's been going on for me. The anxiety itself is always there and I'm working on that...
I would like to thing I am being "strong" because I went back to my regular gym yesterday, mentally coaching myself through the possible re-facing of my fear. I was not faced with it, but inevitably will be when I go back later in the week. There is much I cannot control, but my behaviour is something that I can... or so I'm told. I will give it a real try. I am going to at least give the appearance of a regular person being calm and normal until my mind catches up.
I have to leave now. I was 145.8 this morning. I went to the gym after a few days off since I had injured my neck. All's back in order now.
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