Life, changes.

Hi there! I hope whoever's out there is holding up well.

I have experienced some fairly significant life changes since the last time I spoke at you, changes of which most people reading this are already aware. I'm not really writing for the people I know right now though, I'm writing for my own sake, and because sometimes I feel like reaching out beyond the people on my Facebook friend list to people I don't know.

First off, all that cleansing and detoxing and working out ended up serving little purpose pre-wedding, except keeping me from gaining more weight from stress eating. That's good news because the wedding dress fit like a charm and the day was absolutely more wonderful than anything I could have imagined. I am so glad that I went with a "simple" wedding (I use quotation marks because the meaning of simple is relative depending who you ask... I found mine to be an insane amount of planning, but the end result was something relatively simple).

The weather was beautiful, everyone was in a good mood, the food and the venue were fantastic, and there were so many amazing surprises, including my best friend turning into the best wedding emcee I've seen (and so many people have since told me that she's better than the pros they've seen). I was honoured that all the people I love (minus one or two who sadly could not make it) were able to be there and be involved, since to me the wedding is one big thank you to everyone and everything that brought my husband and I together.

So in other exciting news, he and I decided to start trying to make babies a few weeks before the wedding (classic impatient me). I honestly and truly believed it would take a few months, but alas, it took barely looking at each other with "I-want-baby-eyes" and pouf! I was pregnant. So I was about 3-4 weeks pregnant before we wed, and started to get morning sickness during our honeymoon, which was nevertheless exactly the holiday we both needed and a great time to rest together in the middle of what will have been a crazy busy 2014.

Then, at my very first ultrasound, I found out some even bigger news: we were expecting twins! Wow, completely out of left field!! And now I know we are expecting twin boys (no telling if they're fraternal or identical until they're born at this point).

So before I move on to more less glowing, happy subjects, let me preface by saying that I am absolutely thrilled at everything life has given me to this point. An incredible person to spend my life and raise kids with, two kids on the way, and a brand-new home which is a welcome change as well.

And now the reason I am writing. Pregnancy. [warning: after re-reading this, I realize it's like stream-of-consciousness writing, so don't expect a whole lot of coherence]

I ask rhetorically, but am I the only pregnant woman who feels like a fat hermit? Almost all I have done since my honeymoon has been staying at home doing nothing. I feel ambivalent about nearly everything. The first few months I was home a lot because I didn't feel too well with mild nausea and other common symptoms all happening at once. Now I feel physically good most of the time, I'm thrilled about what's happening in my life, yet I cannot every decide what to do, because I'm not really interested in anything. Because I stopped all my sports / exercise activities, I don't ever see my own neighborhood even, not the nice parts anyway.

I don't know if other women experience this too, but I also feel extremely needy and dependent. I don't like being alone (which I normally do). I have little tolerance for the stresses of work and cannot wait to be on maternity leave, even though I know that will have its own challenges. The days go by well in hindsight, but every morning starts with a feeling of dread.

And another thing, I have had NO interest in being photographed or posting pictures of my belly. In fact, my belly is just about the only part of my body I like right now. I try not to think about it because I am super emotional and don't want to dwell on things I cannot control. The upside: I like when people see my belly (complete strangers on the street) and it makes them smile. The downside, as soon as my clothes are off I feel I've completely let myself go. I really want to cut myself the slack a pregnant woman deserves, but no matter what, this is how I feel. My solution is not to dwell. When I'm confronted with my insecurities though it overwhelms me. People want belly photos. People think pregnant women are beautiful, and I usually agree. I just don't think whether I feel beautiful is of any importance in a pregnancy. I am pregnant to serve an amazing purpose, a mind-blowing one that is so much more important than whether I can still look stylish and fit and glowing. Yet, it still gets me down. (Note: From a more tangible perspective: waxing has become way too painful and I've been putting off getting my hair cut out of laziness, so maybe that's all it would take to get my head out of this state, since being hairy always makes me feel ugly haha).

Am I the only person who does not feel that it is important to focus on a pregnant woman's appearance? And at the same time, all I can think about is how horrible I look while people keep telling me how beautiful my belly is or I am, or this or that? Obviously, none of this is very logical, which reflects my state of mind. I don't know how to explain the things I feel right now, because they contradict each other. I feel happy and sad, calmer than usual in some ways and yet my usual anxious self for new things. I feel blessed, truly truly blessed for all the support I have in my life, yet my attention always ends up somewhere else. I try to focus. The ultrasounds make me happier than anything else. Knowing the babies are thriving and alive is a relief. I'm amazed to read how the babies would be developing each week, and I am so eager to start feeling their movements (I THINK it has started, but only vaguely). I just want to know they're okay in between all my doctor's appointments (SO many appointments and ultrasounds when you have twins).

Okay, I didn't really have a point to make but I needed to scream out into the universe is all. My pregnancy makes me feel both detached and needy. Also, unlike a lot of people I would imagine, pregnancy has made me seek out other women's opinions. I don't really want any advice in particular, but I find it so reassuring every time a woman explains how her pregnancy went (even if it is nothing like mine). I guess it's similar to how many people started telling me their stories of losing people to cancer when I lost someone. It was sad, but comforting, to know how many people share similar experiences of these huge life events. Just to remind you that despite the beige day-to-day interactions you have with people, that we really are all human.

man I do not make any sense. I'll stop rambling now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Week 4 and going strong-er!

Hi folks!

I got through the 21-day detox alive and well. In fact, it was ALMOST easy. That is because I had all my meals prepared for me and they were delicious, plus I could buy treats from the gym too that are all detox-friendly.

I began the second part of this 3-month process last week. Theoretically, we are supposed to ease back in to a normal diet over one week, but I didn't really have that option. I ended my detox on the morning of Easter Sunday, and spent the afternoon having Easter lunch/dinner with my Portuguese in-laws-to-be. I don't know if it's the same in all Portuguese families (but I know this is true of most Meditteranean nations), but here's what an Easter (or Christmas) dinner for anywhere from 4 to 8 people will look like: one cod casserole (bacalhau a bras, which had potatoes and all kinds of yummy stuff in it), one full roast chicken, one full roast beef, some marinated shrimp, some marinated octopus (SO GOOD), maybe a sprinkling of salad or brocoli, a whole lot of potatoes, some rice, red wine, maybe some other wine, port or liqueur. Before this there are fried goodies like cod balls and these spicy fried shrimp dumpling-like things. After dinner it's some Portuguese pastries and coffee, sometimes cake too. Oh and there's bread.

So all that to say there is nothing I could do to "ease" the transition, except that I didn't drink any booze and stayed away from the bread, and ate FAR FAR fewer potatoes and fried goodies and meat than usual. And that's hard because it's all so good. However, having eaten SO green for three weeks, I was surprised that my beloved meat did not taste as good as it usually does.

So now, I have cut back on coffee and dairy, which for me are the two things I think affect me most. I am eating less meat/fish as well, but I haven't managed to keep myself from the bread. Living in Montreal and so close to an amazing bakery just makes it very hard not to crave nut loaf or croissants.

Oh, you may be wondering what the results of the detox were. Well, my skin was radiant most of the time, I lost an inch around my waist (probably a half-inch or so in reality after starting to eat normally again), I had so much energy and I lost 3-5 lbs. Today I am 146.4 lbs.

I didn't do much better on my fitness test, but I started doing more and more intense classes as the detox went on, and I know I am in much better shape than I was 3 weeks ago. I had done a "sculpt" class right before the fitness test, so I was a bit worn out.

Now that I don't have to do classes every single day, I have been trying to keep up the walking and I have started running too. I have still been going to classes regularly as well. I actually have to leave now for another sculpt class.

Wish me luck and I hope you all make at least 1 good healthy choice this week for yourself. It's worth it!

Day 1. A sort-of start.

It has begun. Well, officially the detox starts Monday, but since Easter will interfere with my ability to follow this 21-day program through to the end, I am getting an early start.

Here's what has to happen for the next 3 weeks:

8 hours of sleep a day

lots of liquids

starting the day with hot water/lemon then fluids only for the first half of the day (veg/fruit/protein smoothies or juices)

The remaining meals/snacks must be gluten free, vegan, mainly organic, and no caffeine or alcohol or sugar

I am expected to do 21 classes in 21 days (but the gym encourages people to double up rather than doing 1 class every single day); but really, we just need to make sure to do 35 minutes of exercise per day, a mix of intense and restorative workouts.

I am supposed to meditate for 15 minutes a day, but I'll only get the meditation and all the other missing pieces on Monday.

I am keeping a journal of everything, but since it's my start day, here are my deets:

I have followed through on everything so far, weighing in this morning at 151.4. I have a baby shower from 1-4, so I will try to not gorge myself of non-detox thingies, but that is why this is a sort-of start. My real-deal start will be tomorrow. I did that "cunnilingi" class (it's actually called Kundalini Flow).

I got a meal plan so I don't have to stress about the cooking (doing this challenge was already a risk considering how busy the next months are likely to be), and everything they've made so far is SUPER SUPER tasty, mmmmmm. I don't think this part will be hard at all. I think the hardest part for me will be managing my schedule and social events, oh and motivating myself to workout.

Alrighty, off to get ready to head out to this baby shower.

a gentle start

Officially, the Best Shape of Your Life Challenge starts on March 31, with a 21-day detox, followed by I don't know what yet since I don't have all the details, then another 21-day detox two months later, then more I don't know what.

I found out (after paying) that during the 21-day parts, you're expected to do AT LEAST 1 class a day, which is kind of ridiculous with my schedule, but apparently my other activities (vball, running) will count, so that's a relief. I think you're bound to 3-4 classes a week for the rest of the program, which leaves me plenty of room for wedding-related appointments, and the classes are relaxing enough to help me unwind from what has been a hectic year at work.

The nice girl who registered me opened up my membership early (unlimited classes for 4 months starting March 31) to encourage me to get a head start. So I seized the opportunity and yesterday did something called "Kundalini Glow" yoga, which I mistakenly called something like "Kunnilingi Glow" hahaha! I think that sounds more appealing anyway ha! I am SO NOT INTO YOGA! It's really official. But whatever, I will do it for relaxation purposes, and if anyone tries to convince me it's an actual workout then they can save it for someone who hasn't already tried yoga about 100 times.

Today, though, I did pilates, and that is much more my speed. It's tough, yet also mellow, without all the religious speak involved in yoga. It's a workout, yet it is relaxing. They have other, more intense classes blended with boxing too.

Now, I am giving their uber healthy food a try (something called an Aztec Salad and a brownie) and so far the salad is great. I bought a food plan so they prepare all my lunches and dinners for the detox, and I make juices for breakfast at home with the juicer.

I am trying to ease my way into what will no doubt be a challenging 3 weeks, but so far it's feeling nice.

Alright, gotta gobble down this salad so I can go see my friend. Have a nice day!

I know, I know... same old story!

I am back. Who knows for how long this time. But I am back for now.

I had gotten to week 14 or something of my 21 km running program (on my own since Hairy had gotten injured), and ultimately decided I don't actually want to strive for that goal anymore, and even though I wanted to try running in the cold weather, than cold is DEFINITELY not for me. Nevertheless, I managed to run until it got down to about 5 degrees, so for that I am proud.

Since then, months have gone by, months of hectic work weeks, wedding planning which has mostly been fun, and other things. In January, after several successful weeks of going to the gym, I ultimately decided to stop working out, since the time I would spend on that was becoming a precious rarity I needed to be able to function at work. I also started missing Portuguese classes and volleyball on occasion, to make time for rest in between the other stuff. I also took up stress eating. Though I have always had issues with overindulgence, never was it tied to stress. In fact, in "down" periods of my life, I tend to eat less because I lose the excitement I glean from eating.

I had given up my lunchtime walks, exercise, and basically anything I enjoy apart from meeting friends for coffee, and would stuff my face at every turn. I had also decided to embrace my 10 lb weight gain and just be okay with it. I do think I still look good (not my skin, but in general), and my man loves the chub, like a lot, but I would have to expand my wedding dress... Now, after having decided to be okay with that, I have changed my mind. I realized that purely for the need to look elegant in my wedding dress, I would need to slim down just a bit. After the wedding it's no holds barred, but I really want to give myself a push to get out of this rut. The other important reason I want to get back in shape is to have the energy I used to have.

So yesterday I signed up for an auspiciously timed "transformation" challenge being held at a local gym. It's a place I have been before. I don't generally like the place because it's snooty, but some of their classes are excellent. Anyway, their program just happens to be the exact length I need (4 months, from March 22 to June 22). It involves 3-4 classes a week of my choosing, 2 detoxes (I will partake in them for the sake of the challenge), motivational meetings, weigh-ins and emails, 4 special classes and prizes. If I find the time, I will post about the experience, but with about 4 months to go until the wedding, I cannot make promises. In any case, I thought some of my readers who have struggled or still struggle with their eating/exercise/body image might want to see that you just have to keep getting back on that horse, no matter whether it's been 1 week off or 1 year... consistency and resiliency are the keys to success.