The problems with being female.

Aside from the obvious complaints from either end of the gender spectrum (namely moodiness, indecision, PMS, hypersensitivity and not being taken seriously), being a woman also involves some degree of fear of men.

I wish, for once, all the creepy men who talk to me on the subway, the street, in dark corners would put themselves in our uncomfortable shoes and realize they are scary. Unfortunately, it is usually the socially-awkward and foreign who do this.

First off, many of my middle-eastern/North African friends have said that the approach of harassing women in the street is common because the girls there play hard to get for so long, but eventually give in. So when these men move to Canada, they do the same thing, expecting the same response. I get the same treatment from African men of all kinds. I'm not here to make racial commentary, but rather to point out a trend I've seen in my life.

What I used to find most shocking was that these men would tell me I am beautiful or approach me with other inappropriate comments when I would be at my worst physically. I would either be wearing no makeup, bad clothes, doing unflattering activities, etc. Some feminists might say that can be attractive to some, however, I now firmly believe this kind of man preys on the weak. In my case, I was the "fat" girl. I am also probably naive-looking because I seem to be approached more than some of my equally pretty friends. They wait until you look 'down on your luck' and pounce.

Luckily, I never felt comfortable around men who fetishize fatness, rather than those who simply don't mind or happen to like a chubby girl, but most importantly, liked my personality.

Yesterday I was followed in the subway. From platform to platform, and on two trains. I knew immediately by that look in his eye that he would try to talk to me. I tried to get away subtly at first, then more obviously so he'd know I was onto him and NOT interested. Finally, he once again sat right next to me and started to speak softly, giving me compliments and all. I was not going to leave the station when I got off the train, and I would have called a friend to meet me, but luckily, after talking to me he got off.

I was and still am genuinely scared. I need pepper spray.

Not sure if this made any sense, but I had to finally rant about something that happens so often to me and really makes me feel weak and powerless. Sometimes, I truly hate men.

But luckily there are some great ones around me, and great women too, who would fight tooth and nail to protect me, as I would for them...

Feeling better

My horrible, neverending cold/flu is dissipating, at last!

I think volleyball was just what I needed to kickstart my system out of sleep mode. I worked through a full day at the office, and am going in for a second. Then, Christmas party time... I can't say I am better enough for real partying, but I'm due for a nice full meal.

I am down to 142.4 this morning. I'm thrilled. I really can't wait to be fully better (i.e. not coughing my brains out) so I can get back into workouts.

Alright, that's it for me today. Have a good one!

Leanne

Out of commission

Well, long time no write.

I was completely knocked out with a cold/flu that still hasn't left yet. It started with a scratchy cough last week, and developed into a horrendously painful throat pain and now it is a painful sinus cold. Bending over hurts my head. But I've used up all my sick days and even one vacation day, and am heading back to work. I've been off since last Friday, when a friend came to stay with me. That turned out to be a mistake because she started getting sick and ended up going to stay in a hotel.

In other news, nothing but car problems and other money sponges this week. Just went to get the seatbelt fixed and the next day the back light burns out. My router also stopped working, as well as a light in my bathroom, and my computer is doing all kinds of crazy things. I can't catch a break! I'm starting to believe I was a bad person in a past life.

I wasn't eating much over the last week because frankly I wasn't doing much and it hurt to swallow. I decided to go ahead and try volleyball last night (and it felt good though I wasn't at 100%), and this morning I weighed in at 142.8!!! Yay! If I can get this cold out of my system by the weekend, I may still stand a chance of getting to 135 by January. For now I am taking it easy on the working out and trying to eat as well as possible. I will play volleyball tonight and then take the weekend off.

Alright, not much else to report considering I've mostly been hanging around my apartment sleeping, so I will be heading to work. I can't hear out of one ear, am stuffy, coughing and my sinuses ache, and THAT is an improvement!!!

Good news.

My T.O.M. arrived smack in the middle of vball last night, but the good news is that this morning, while bloated from my first day of my T.O.M, I was 144.8!! I know that's pretty much 145, but it's NOT 145, NOR 146 or 147, and therefore is an improvement.

I anticipate, if all goes smoothly, that I'll be 144 solid by tomorrow.

eeeeee!

Weirdness.

I'm bad, very bad. I am sneaking Halloween candy every chance I get. Luckily, there's not so much available that I couldn't undo the damage if I were to binge, but the fact I cannot tell myself no at all right now worries me.

Finances are a major source of stress at the moment, so I can't buy all the groceries I need or want to be able to eat veggie-rich meals all day every day... I have to be economical. This means I can only afford to buy in small doses. I run out quickly, then a few days go by until I replenish, at which time I eat out. As a result, my eating patterns are all over the map.

Luckily for me, with my new scale, I am reminded to go buy veggies and fruit and get back on track. I am at 147 lbs. It is hovering around there, give or take, but I see it is NOT going down. I know I can get to at least 143 before plateauing, because my body appears to plateau every 10 lbs, at 183, 173, 163, 153... like clockwork. I would be thrilled to get to 143. I just don't have much motivation for cooking.

I have been cooking a bit, and I have all the implements even though I just moved. However, change always affects me a lot, and it takes ages before I get into a routine. Things have been anything but routine lately, which is why I am grateful for 3 nights of vball and weekly outings to the same old place with the same 1-2 friends, which keeps me sane.

I have a guest coming for 3 days, and I have absolutely less than no money to buy food to feed her. I ashamedly warned her that pickings are slim and I feel terrible as a host but I can't stock the fridge as I usually would when a guest comes. I can barely stock it for me. The debt keeps piling up while I wait for a cheque that is tangled in legal traps. I can't ever just get back on my feet and start over... I will likely give up a night of vball after Christmas to save myself a few bucks, and I'll have to find free workouts. Luckily, I've discovered TrainingMobs.com, which is a site started recently for people looking for free workouts around the city. For now it's only in my city, but as people sign up, they will create Mobs for other cities... So this weekend, my guest and I will be attending 3 different free workouts: two different types of cross-fit class and one zumba class. Though we may not have the energy for all three...

So workout wise I am trying to compensate for poor eating. That's a good thing, but I want to stay balanced. Plus, I have a cold so I need to eat well to get rid of that asap. I'm in a blah mood these days, so apologies for the ongoing ranting and rambling...my thoughts are infintely scattered.

Photo update.

Hi there!

I figured it's about time for another photo update since another 10 lbs has been lost since the last one. I don't have a "body" shot yet. I would need someone to take my picture to do that, so I am just waiting for the next 10 lbs and then I'll do the big dramatic before and after shots. In any case, my face always looks thinner than the rest of me.

This is also my latest hair cut. I was feeling pretty ugly lately, what with all my clothes hanging off me like a kid wearing her mom's high heels, my hair all broken and oddly grown-out bangs, and shoes with soles falling off. I'm pretty broke this year so renewing my entire wardrobe is cut down to the bare necessities, and anything generously given to me by friends who've also lost weight and are getting rid of stuff.

All my money (ahem, credit) has gone to light renovations and furnishing of my new apartment. My parents are here for the weekend, so my dad could help paint the bedroom and they could bring me a few things like chairs, cutlery, etc.

My mom being the best mom in the world, and babying me no matter my long-toothedness, she brought me homemade pumpkin pie. All because they ate the last piece and didn't leave me any when I was there for Thanksgiving hahah. She even supplied me with mini maple syrup and pecans to garnish the ice cream she says should go with it. ha! She also brought me Halloween candy, which is fantastic since I didn't get any this year. Included are, most notably, hard cheesies (a brand other than Cheetos that is not normally found here) that are my favourites!

The first coat of paint is up and the colour is amazing. It's a pale vintage blue-green, bordering on baby blue. I am not a fan of blue, but I thought I'd get too sick of green. So I leaned more toward blue, but the colour doesn't look too much like a baby's room because of all the various wood colours in the room. We'll put together my bed frame once the second coat has dried and then I will buy a mattress this week.

My emotions seem to be stablizing after years (especially the last one) of being an emotional wreck. I had given up some responsibilities at work because I was unable to cope with the stress. Crying at work is not something I want to make a habit of, but it was becoming almost "my thing". Now I am trying to rebuild credibility hahah! I have asked to take back my responsibilities, and also have an earlier schedule. I like finishing work at 4 pm because it gives me time to do stuff after work before seeing friends, and I like leaving work when the sun's still out in winter. It makes alllllll the difference in my mood. Plus, getting up early is something I enjoy (after the first week) because it's calm.

Since I wont be working out at 6 am anymore (I moved and dont have a gym in the building anymore, so my workouts are all in the evening / on weekends), I can handle going to work a bit earlier.

What else is new, well not much. The only strange thing is that this week was the week that every man in my "circle" noticed how much weight I lost and was stunned. Women have been noticing at every step along the way. Proof that women are largely more perceptive than men. Though nothing changed between my body this week and my body of the last 2 weeks, suddenly a bunch of different men pointed out that I look great and have lost so much weight. It only took 40 lbs!!! hahahha!

It's nice that people are so supportive and go out of their way to encourage me. It's always kind of embarassing and a surprise, though what shocks me most is when people come up to me, and they preface their compliment with 'I hope you don't take this the wrong way but...' and then proceed to say I lost a lot of weight and look good. It's not like I look so thin I could be sick, so I think it's odd anyone would be afraid of insulting me. But I guess it's out of respect for the "old" me that they don't want to say I looked like ass before and now I look a million times happier and healthier. I love my old, fat self, dearly. And she deeply appreciates that people were always gentle with her. Some people have not been treated so nicely by those around them when it comes to being fat, depressed and out of shape.

Alright, enough rambling. I'm basically avoiding watching TV so I can go to bed in a few minutes to wake up early for a free Lululemon class (Strong is the New Sexy it's called...weird).

A good week

I am a happy camper this week. I think it's a mix of volleyball adrenaline, loving my new home, PMS upswing, and a few very genuine compliments that truly made my day.

For some reason, this week, the 'wow' factor kicked in, particularly with men in my environment. Women seem to notice my weight loss and the smaller changes earlier on, while men seem to notice all at once, like a slap in the face. This week, no less than 4 men looked at me in awe, as if I'd just crawled out of my former body like an alien and did that little alien dance at the end of Spaceballs... Hello ma babeh hello ma honeh!

It's the non-perverse way they say it that makes me warm inside. If they were just saying "you're hot now", it would mostly make me feel awkward. But they really seem to appreciate that I feel healthier and look healthy and fit, and this is nice.

Anyway, in other non-eventful news, I am still very interested in kickboxing, but may postpone until January... not 100% decided. For now, I played vball last night and have finals tonight. The next season starts next week. I am very much looking forward to tonight's matches, which SHOULD be more intense than usual.

Yeah, so basically that's my long-winded way of saying all is pretty much on track here. Despite not having a scale, I think I've almost maintained my weight, at least my measurements are still the same so that's what really matters...

Have a great evening!

news

I just discovered there's a kickboxing/boxing gym right next to my place that offers kickboxing for women, skipping classes and beginner kickboxing. Best of all, they have 3-month memberships which is perfect for someone like me who wants to try all kinds of things.

I might just start doing that on Saturday mornings, so I'll have volleyball 3 nights, kickboxing class and free Lululemon classes.

Eeeeeee!

I've been tagged!

This has never happened, but it is exciting ha! I feel connected. I have one, maybe three readers at the moment, so it's unlikely I can find four people to answer four new questions, but I'll definitely play along by answering the Ice Queen's queries... yay!

Question #1 If you could eat any food at all for 24 hours without gaining weight, what would it be?

Hmmmm, ANY food?? If it can count as 1 food, it would probably be French baguette with balsamic vinegar and olive oil: a pure and simple pleasure. However, if that doesn't count as a single thing, I am sure fettuccini carbonara does, and that would be my second choice!

Question #2 Briefly describe how you would re-write the life experience of your favourite character in a book or movie.

I would re-write part of Catcher in the Rye for my precious sociopath Holden Caulfield. In one part that I found rather anti-climactic, though all of Salinger's stories are more character-development-based rather than plot-based, Holden gets very close to having a sexual encounter with a prostitute if I remember correctly (though I barely remember the details of even my favourite books). I would have him sleep with that woman and then proceed to behave as strangely after. It would add a layer of depth that I find lacking in that particular book. His other characters are so much meatier!

Question #3 What female family member has had the biggest positive influence on you and what was the most meaningful advice she gave you?

Well, my mother is clearly the most wonderful and influential person in my life, but for the purposes of this question, I would say my grandma. Since moving to the city where my dad grew up, I've had a chance to get closer to her. I've realized I am very much like her and she has a dry, dark humour that I adore. Everyone else in my family is almost painfully sweet, but she has an edge, even as a true, churchgoer and loving mother. Recently, she was complaining that the neighbour keeps trying to set her up on a "play date" with this old lady (they're the same age but my grandma acts/looks/thinks wayyyyyy younger than most her age), and she said, in French "I have enough friends, it's not my job to be friends with everyone." I realized she's just like me. We're both one part anti-social and one part people lover.

Question #4 If your blog were eaten by cyber roaches and gone for good, what would you do different in your new blog?

I would invest more time into writing more deep and meaningful things, and less about only what I eat and weigh. I needed friends to read it at first, but now I wish I had an anonymous blog through which to express the deeper things I cannot say "out loud". I would also post more creative writing, assuming it would now be an anonymous blog.

Thanks Erika, this was fun! Unfortunately,the trail ends here for me since I have no followers that are actually following anymore hahaha!

Small accomplishments

So I followed through on my word. I walked to the market and bought some food. I could have gone to the grocery store, but I needed real maple syrup, and right now the grocery stores only have that fake Aunt Jemima stuff.

I have also been dying to get out and walk around my new neighbourhood and go to the market, which I hadn't been to in a long time. Nothing makes me love a place more than a nice market with local foods. Can't explain it, but it's pleasant and makes me feel connected to people.

However, when it comes to meat-buying, I am lost. I get really scared when they ask me what I want and how much of it I want. I never know. I just buy things and then invent stuff with what I have. I don't do planning well. So I asked the butcher for help. Not only did he explain how to buy and cut pork tenderloin for 3 meals (a good amount for a single person who wants lunch and two dinners), he also gave me recipes for the pork and the merguez sausages I bought, ingredients and instructions included. Now that's service.

So I came home and tackled the pork dish. I didn't have most of what he listed, but I am pretty good at pairing flavours similar to those, so even though it didn't turn out great because I used a little too much clove, I used honey, ginger and clove to marinate the meat, and served with baby bok choy with lemon and garlic, and roasted Nantes carrots with honey, rosemary and garlic. The carrots were the best part, but overall the dish wasn't bad, but you can tell I'm an amateur.

I also bought my paint. Yay! I got to take out the heaping pile of recycling that's been crowding my small apartment all week, and tomorrow it's garbage day!! It will feel so much nicer in here without that.

Alright, off to start my work week. Ugh! :)

Backward motion

I have to give myself a little bit of s$%^ today. The last week was a DISASTER food-wise. I have eaten every bad food I normally say no to, all in one week. From nachos and cheese galore at the movies, to Lafleur's and IKEA hot dogs, to cheap, unhealthy pizza... I've run the gamut of over-fatty, over-salty, non-nutritious food.

To make matters worse, I am not weighing myself daily and am only doing volleyball, and I can feel I've gained a couple of pounds. This wouldn't bother me so much if I had already achieved my goal, but I had gotten to just 10 lbs away and this move just threw me for a loop. I don't deal well with routine changes, clearly.

The good news is I've started over as of today. I went to a free Lululemon class, which was Capoeira this week. It was tough but not suuuuper fun. Next week the class is called "Strong is the new skinny", whatever that means. But I am strong and not skinny, so I guess it's suited to me.

I built an IKEA Kivik couch today. No one should have to build a couch!!! However, with a tiny female friend to help me, we put the thing together with but ONE teensie-weensie glitch. I am not going to put my bed frame together until my bedroom is painted this weekend, and I buy a mattress.

I would rather not have all IKEA furniture, but for the big pieces I need things urgently, and it's cheap. All the other cheap places only have stuff that I do not like at all, like big, ugly couches and overly elaborate pieces.

Today's mission, in addition to the already-completed Capoeira and couch-building, is paint-buying. I need to have everything ready since my parents are coming next weekend, and my dad will be helping to paint my bedroom. I'd like to paint everything, but I don't want to ask too much of him, so just the bedroom for now, and perhaps the other rooms when I can pay someone to do it.

They are bringing me a scale, which is something I need as a daily reminder of my goal. I will go buy some food today so I have no choice but to eat good home stuff.

Hasta banana

back to work

Ah, the nice life of a person who doesn't work is over. It is 7:17 am and I am getting ready for my first day at work since moving. It feels almost like a first day of school, when it's dark out, and you're nervous, and up extra early.

I have to go eat and make lunch. Still broke, so no option but to eat home food. Plus I am getting off track food wise this week, and I need to reign myself in. Since I don't have a daily scale to remind me to stay focused, I really need to kick up my self-control now.

Good luck everyone.

The move

Well that glorious day finally came and went. I am in my new place. The move itself went extremely quickly and smoothly thanks to a few friends of mine and one indispensable dolly.

I took a few days off from work (until Thursday) to get myself organized. I have no furtniture so I need to shop around, plus buy little things like dishes, groceries, etc.

Today I got bad news from the notary, so once again I am emotional and facing more hurdles to being able to re-setup my life... However, the ex and I are working together to get all this resolved and keep facing forward.

I've been pretty lazy the last few days aside from necessary exercise like mopping the floors and volleyball. I don't have a scale right now (my folks are buying me one and bringing it in two weeks or so). Until then, I need to measure and eyeball it. But this week has been a write-off. A LOT of junk food. More than I've had all year. However, since I'm not eating often, I'm not eating too many calories I think, it's just the quality of my food that is excessively poor.

The boy situation hasn't gotten any clearer. Ah well. I have too many other things to think about right now anyway, but it would be nice if things could go well in more than one area of my life at a time...

The one part that's going well is my social life. My friends have really been helpful throughout this move. One friend in particular has taken the time to bring me food several times, knowing that I am struggling on many levels. This is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. People's generosity astounds me sometimes. It's those who have been through harder times than me that are the most understanding. It's incredible.

Alright, back to mopping. Still have a lot of life to sort out, one baby step at a time...

Have a good one.