speechless

146.2 today. bleh. I am in my workout gear eating breakfast and getting ready to go attempt working out.

I have a specific kind of anxiety that most of my readers already know about and others may not. I prefer not to get into it, except to say that this week, I was confronted with this anxiety at my gym and it is something I will have to face over and over again. To avoid the source of my stress I would need to change gyms, which would likely end with the same thing happening over again.

This week has been a bad week. I cannot give more details or it will unleash emotions I am too exhausted to deal with at the moment. I believe that maybe the anxiety attacks are so much worse since I lost my aunt this week, since they're generally worse when I am in a bad state (extra tired, PMS, depressed, etc.). I thought I was coping well with losing my aunt, but I am completely unable to manage my own emotions over things especially one thing. I am so frustrated.

I don't know why I care what happens to other people, but I often wonder if other people have something that makes them feel totally and completely inadequate. On the one hand, I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone, because it's a problem that is extremely hard to escape/eliminate; but on the other, I would would feel comforted knowing other people have had this and overcame it.

I am working on it, but even though the really bad attacks only happen once in a while, when they do come on, it feels like it has been constant for my entire life. I need to continue to exercise, eat well, sleep well and work on my brain and thought patterns, but right now I just feel like I am crumbling.