I am still here.

I am still here. I am still making some effort to get in shape and watch what I eat. I just tuned out for a bit since I wasn't quite sure what to make of my thoughts and state of mind last week.

I have deduced that the combination of grieving and PMS make for nasty anxiety attacks. A medical professional I spoke to recently said she had often heard gynecologists repeat that no woman needs to suffer during PMS since there are 'fixes' for all of it. I don't have much in the way of physical symptoms, but any stress, anxiety or problem I have is exponentially more dramatic and devastating during that time. It's time for me to speak to the doctor and go to the natural food store to see what other options I have. By the way, I'm not talking about just being bitchy or sad, I am talking my mind turns on me and I can no longer function whatsoever and suffer from sever depression, but literally just for the 1 or 2 days when it's at its worst and it shows up and disappears out of nowhere (triggered by my usual anxieties but blown way out of proportion). So it's not a cop-out to blame it on PMS, but that explains the worst part of what's been going on for me. The anxiety itself is always there and I'm working on that...

I would like to thing I am being "strong" because I went back to my regular gym yesterday, mentally coaching myself through the possible re-facing of my fear. I was not faced with it, but inevitably will be when I go back later in the week. There is much I cannot control, but my behaviour is something that I can... or so I'm told. I will give it a real try. I am going to at least give the appearance of a regular person being calm and normal until my mind catches up.

I have to leave now. I was 145.8 this morning. I went to the gym after a few days off since I had injured my neck. All's back in order now.