So here's the thing.

Weight = Of no consequence at the moment. Fluctuates regularly but stays in the same ballpark and is not trending upward anymore.

Height = I suppose gradually diminishing with age and regular slouching induced by deskwork and curling up in balls care of depression.

I feel like every time I get on here to proudly say I took one more step in the right direction, the next few days are spent moving backward. It has been a roller coaster.

I discussed my state of mental wellness with Hairy yesterday, and his thinking is that I need to find the same drive I had a few years back when I was in a pit of chubby despair. I need to delve into the depths of my inner strength and commit to making myself the person I will feel good about being.

The hitch is this (while not an excuse, I think it's a valid point): Back then, I was fighting outer forces. I was fighting money problems, a bad relationship, poor past choices, weight issues, and so on. All of this RESULTED in depression/anxiety, but once I started to sleep, eat and exercise well, and taught myself the counter-intuitive art of patience/denial, all was well.

Now, I wont explain the details, but life is as I've always wanted it to be: simple and filled with love. Now my mental problems have become more apparent than ever. Without other negative forces in my life, all the bad inside me has free reign. All I can say is that even though I'm not treating it like an emergency, I am taking baby baby steps to get help. I need time and mental preparation every time I have to call / visit a doctor, go to a health store and ask questions, etc. I need time to prepare to go shopping for new clothes even.

I'll look at it this way going forward: instead of aiming for 3-5 days of working out intensely, I am aiming just to make it to the gym more than twice a week, and if that means 15 minutes of treadmill then home, so be it. I did my long walk at lunch today and it gave me energy. I think a big part of my problem is without my lunchtime walks, I get home wiped out mentally. When my brain is tired, I have less emotional control.

Today what worked was repeating over and over (if you think it's stupid, try it with something that scares you to death and then talk to me): "it's not a beauty competition, and that would be a losing/neverending battle. Hairy is with me for who I am and there will always be someone prettier, but they won't be me." It's really hard to find things that work when all your mind wants to do is bash yourself, but today, this is what worked.