Life, changes.

Hi there! I hope whoever's out there is holding up well.

I have experienced some fairly significant life changes since the last time I spoke at you, changes of which most people reading this are already aware. I'm not really writing for the people I know right now though, I'm writing for my own sake, and because sometimes I feel like reaching out beyond the people on my Facebook friend list to people I don't know.

First off, all that cleansing and detoxing and working out ended up serving little purpose pre-wedding, except keeping me from gaining more weight from stress eating. That's good news because the wedding dress fit like a charm and the day was absolutely more wonderful than anything I could have imagined. I am so glad that I went with a "simple" wedding (I use quotation marks because the meaning of simple is relative depending who you ask... I found mine to be an insane amount of planning, but the end result was something relatively simple).

The weather was beautiful, everyone was in a good mood, the food and the venue were fantastic, and there were so many amazing surprises, including my best friend turning into the best wedding emcee I've seen (and so many people have since told me that she's better than the pros they've seen). I was honoured that all the people I love (minus one or two who sadly could not make it) were able to be there and be involved, since to me the wedding is one big thank you to everyone and everything that brought my husband and I together.

So in other exciting news, he and I decided to start trying to make babies a few weeks before the wedding (classic impatient me). I honestly and truly believed it would take a few months, but alas, it took barely looking at each other with "I-want-baby-eyes" and pouf! I was pregnant. So I was about 3-4 weeks pregnant before we wed, and started to get morning sickness during our honeymoon, which was nevertheless exactly the holiday we both needed and a great time to rest together in the middle of what will have been a crazy busy 2014.

Then, at my very first ultrasound, I found out some even bigger news: we were expecting twins! Wow, completely out of left field!! And now I know we are expecting twin boys (no telling if they're fraternal or identical until they're born at this point).

So before I move on to more less glowing, happy subjects, let me preface by saying that I am absolutely thrilled at everything life has given me to this point. An incredible person to spend my life and raise kids with, two kids on the way, and a brand-new home which is a welcome change as well.

And now the reason I am writing. Pregnancy. [warning: after re-reading this, I realize it's like stream-of-consciousness writing, so don't expect a whole lot of coherence]

I ask rhetorically, but am I the only pregnant woman who feels like a fat hermit? Almost all I have done since my honeymoon has been staying at home doing nothing. I feel ambivalent about nearly everything. The first few months I was home a lot because I didn't feel too well with mild nausea and other common symptoms all happening at once. Now I feel physically good most of the time, I'm thrilled about what's happening in my life, yet I cannot every decide what to do, because I'm not really interested in anything. Because I stopped all my sports / exercise activities, I don't ever see my own neighborhood even, not the nice parts anyway.

I don't know if other women experience this too, but I also feel extremely needy and dependent. I don't like being alone (which I normally do). I have little tolerance for the stresses of work and cannot wait to be on maternity leave, even though I know that will have its own challenges. The days go by well in hindsight, but every morning starts with a feeling of dread.

And another thing, I have had NO interest in being photographed or posting pictures of my belly. In fact, my belly is just about the only part of my body I like right now. I try not to think about it because I am super emotional and don't want to dwell on things I cannot control. The upside: I like when people see my belly (complete strangers on the street) and it makes them smile. The downside, as soon as my clothes are off I feel I've completely let myself go. I really want to cut myself the slack a pregnant woman deserves, but no matter what, this is how I feel. My solution is not to dwell. When I'm confronted with my insecurities though it overwhelms me. People want belly photos. People think pregnant women are beautiful, and I usually agree. I just don't think whether I feel beautiful is of any importance in a pregnancy. I am pregnant to serve an amazing purpose, a mind-blowing one that is so much more important than whether I can still look stylish and fit and glowing. Yet, it still gets me down. (Note: From a more tangible perspective: waxing has become way too painful and I've been putting off getting my hair cut out of laziness, so maybe that's all it would take to get my head out of this state, since being hairy always makes me feel ugly haha).

Am I the only person who does not feel that it is important to focus on a pregnant woman's appearance? And at the same time, all I can think about is how horrible I look while people keep telling me how beautiful my belly is or I am, or this or that? Obviously, none of this is very logical, which reflects my state of mind. I don't know how to explain the things I feel right now, because they contradict each other. I feel happy and sad, calmer than usual in some ways and yet my usual anxious self for new things. I feel blessed, truly truly blessed for all the support I have in my life, yet my attention always ends up somewhere else. I try to focus. The ultrasounds make me happier than anything else. Knowing the babies are thriving and alive is a relief. I'm amazed to read how the babies would be developing each week, and I am so eager to start feeling their movements (I THINK it has started, but only vaguely). I just want to know they're okay in between all my doctor's appointments (SO many appointments and ultrasounds when you have twins).

Okay, I didn't really have a point to make but I needed to scream out into the universe is all. My pregnancy makes me feel both detached and needy. Also, unlike a lot of people I would imagine, pregnancy has made me seek out other women's opinions. I don't really want any advice in particular, but I find it so reassuring every time a woman explains how her pregnancy went (even if it is nothing like mine). I guess it's similar to how many people started telling me their stories of losing people to cancer when I lost someone. It was sad, but comforting, to know how many people share similar experiences of these huge life events. Just to remind you that despite the beige day-to-day interactions you have with people, that we really are all human.

man I do not make any sense. I'll stop rambling now. Thanks for letting me vent.