the ups and downs

oh the ups and downs. I am kind of getting tired up being so up and then so down. I often wish I was someone who doesn't reflect on, question, over-analyze (read obsess) everything. Life could be so grand, so simple, and I could just enjoy all that I have. I have a lot of blessings. A lot of luck. Yet my silly brain makes everything hurt so much, even the little things.

I admire those who are tougher. I know this sensitivity of mine also has many upsides, but it is sometimes just too much to bear over so little.

This is not meant to be a depressing blog, more contemplative, but I just had to say it out loud that no matter how good I feel sometimes, or how good I look, I can't shake my insecurities, anxieties and obsessive thoughts about my inadequacies. It's completely illogical because my career, my friends, my family should be enough evidence that I am not deficient, and NO ONE is deficient. We are who we are. Unfortunately, applying that reasoning when I am in pain over the thought of losing everything is a challenge at best.

On a lighter note, I am still playing volleyball, running (less lately to give my hip and knees a break), and trying new things. Tomorrow, I am starting to play soccer again for the first time in many, many years. I played for 11-12 years, and I miss it oh so much. I am playing in a recreational league with a good friend of mine, since his team needed more girls. Since the season's already begun, the league will let me play for free too, yippeeeeee!

Food-wise, I'm about one-third of the way to where I want to be: I am eating all breakfasts at home and EITHER lunch or dinner at home every day, but I am still buying out one meal a day. It's mostly healthy, but still...

This may sound super cold (trust me it's not, but I'm tired and just thought of mentioning this bu want to wrap up and hit the sack)... my aunt was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer and is suffering a lot right now. So are my sick grandmother and aunt who live with her. In all this, it is pushing me more than ever to treat my body "as a temple" as they say, and to really enjoy my life. Out of every bad, there should come some good, you just have to figure out the point of it all.

So here's wishing you all seize the day!