Weirdness.

I'm bad, very bad. I am sneaking Halloween candy every chance I get. Luckily, there's not so much available that I couldn't undo the damage if I were to binge, but the fact I cannot tell myself no at all right now worries me.

Finances are a major source of stress at the moment, so I can't buy all the groceries I need or want to be able to eat veggie-rich meals all day every day... I have to be economical. This means I can only afford to buy in small doses. I run out quickly, then a few days go by until I replenish, at which time I eat out. As a result, my eating patterns are all over the map.

Luckily for me, with my new scale, I am reminded to go buy veggies and fruit and get back on track. I am at 147 lbs. It is hovering around there, give or take, but I see it is NOT going down. I know I can get to at least 143 before plateauing, because my body appears to plateau every 10 lbs, at 183, 173, 163, 153... like clockwork. I would be thrilled to get to 143. I just don't have much motivation for cooking.

I have been cooking a bit, and I have all the implements even though I just moved. However, change always affects me a lot, and it takes ages before I get into a routine. Things have been anything but routine lately, which is why I am grateful for 3 nights of vball and weekly outings to the same old place with the same 1-2 friends, which keeps me sane.

I have a guest coming for 3 days, and I have absolutely less than no money to buy food to feed her. I ashamedly warned her that pickings are slim and I feel terrible as a host but I can't stock the fridge as I usually would when a guest comes. I can barely stock it for me. The debt keeps piling up while I wait for a cheque that is tangled in legal traps. I can't ever just get back on my feet and start over... I will likely give up a night of vball after Christmas to save myself a few bucks, and I'll have to find free workouts. Luckily, I've discovered TrainingMobs.com, which is a site started recently for people looking for free workouts around the city. For now it's only in my city, but as people sign up, they will create Mobs for other cities... So this weekend, my guest and I will be attending 3 different free workouts: two different types of cross-fit class and one zumba class. Though we may not have the energy for all three...

So workout wise I am trying to compensate for poor eating. That's a good thing, but I want to stay balanced. Plus, I have a cold so I need to eat well to get rid of that asap. I'm in a blah mood these days, so apologies for the ongoing ranting and rambling...my thoughts are infintely scattered.

Photo update.

Hi there!

I figured it's about time for another photo update since another 10 lbs has been lost since the last one. I don't have a "body" shot yet. I would need someone to take my picture to do that, so I am just waiting for the next 10 lbs and then I'll do the big dramatic before and after shots. In any case, my face always looks thinner than the rest of me.

This is also my latest hair cut. I was feeling pretty ugly lately, what with all my clothes hanging off me like a kid wearing her mom's high heels, my hair all broken and oddly grown-out bangs, and shoes with soles falling off. I'm pretty broke this year so renewing my entire wardrobe is cut down to the bare necessities, and anything generously given to me by friends who've also lost weight and are getting rid of stuff.

All my money (ahem, credit) has gone to light renovations and furnishing of my new apartment. My parents are here for the weekend, so my dad could help paint the bedroom and they could bring me a few things like chairs, cutlery, etc.

My mom being the best mom in the world, and babying me no matter my long-toothedness, she brought me homemade pumpkin pie. All because they ate the last piece and didn't leave me any when I was there for Thanksgiving hahah. She even supplied me with mini maple syrup and pecans to garnish the ice cream she says should go with it. ha! She also brought me Halloween candy, which is fantastic since I didn't get any this year. Included are, most notably, hard cheesies (a brand other than Cheetos that is not normally found here) that are my favourites!

The first coat of paint is up and the colour is amazing. It's a pale vintage blue-green, bordering on baby blue. I am not a fan of blue, but I thought I'd get too sick of green. So I leaned more toward blue, but the colour doesn't look too much like a baby's room because of all the various wood colours in the room. We'll put together my bed frame once the second coat has dried and then I will buy a mattress this week.

My emotions seem to be stablizing after years (especially the last one) of being an emotional wreck. I had given up some responsibilities at work because I was unable to cope with the stress. Crying at work is not something I want to make a habit of, but it was becoming almost "my thing". Now I am trying to rebuild credibility hahah! I have asked to take back my responsibilities, and also have an earlier schedule. I like finishing work at 4 pm because it gives me time to do stuff after work before seeing friends, and I like leaving work when the sun's still out in winter. It makes alllllll the difference in my mood. Plus, getting up early is something I enjoy (after the first week) because it's calm.

Since I wont be working out at 6 am anymore (I moved and dont have a gym in the building anymore, so my workouts are all in the evening / on weekends), I can handle going to work a bit earlier.

What else is new, well not much. The only strange thing is that this week was the week that every man in my "circle" noticed how much weight I lost and was stunned. Women have been noticing at every step along the way. Proof that women are largely more perceptive than men. Though nothing changed between my body this week and my body of the last 2 weeks, suddenly a bunch of different men pointed out that I look great and have lost so much weight. It only took 40 lbs!!! hahahha!

It's nice that people are so supportive and go out of their way to encourage me. It's always kind of embarassing and a surprise, though what shocks me most is when people come up to me, and they preface their compliment with 'I hope you don't take this the wrong way but...' and then proceed to say I lost a lot of weight and look good. It's not like I look so thin I could be sick, so I think it's odd anyone would be afraid of insulting me. But I guess it's out of respect for the "old" me that they don't want to say I looked like ass before and now I look a million times happier and healthier. I love my old, fat self, dearly. And she deeply appreciates that people were always gentle with her. Some people have not been treated so nicely by those around them when it comes to being fat, depressed and out of shape.

Alright, enough rambling. I'm basically avoiding watching TV so I can go to bed in a few minutes to wake up early for a free Lululemon class (Strong is the New Sexy it's called...weird).

A good week

I am a happy camper this week. I think it's a mix of volleyball adrenaline, loving my new home, PMS upswing, and a few very genuine compliments that truly made my day.

For some reason, this week, the 'wow' factor kicked in, particularly with men in my environment. Women seem to notice my weight loss and the smaller changes earlier on, while men seem to notice all at once, like a slap in the face. This week, no less than 4 men looked at me in awe, as if I'd just crawled out of my former body like an alien and did that little alien dance at the end of Spaceballs... Hello ma babeh hello ma honeh!

It's the non-perverse way they say it that makes me warm inside. If they were just saying "you're hot now", it would mostly make me feel awkward. But they really seem to appreciate that I feel healthier and look healthy and fit, and this is nice.

Anyway, in other non-eventful news, I am still very interested in kickboxing, but may postpone until January... not 100% decided. For now, I played vball last night and have finals tonight. The next season starts next week. I am very much looking forward to tonight's matches, which SHOULD be more intense than usual.

Yeah, so basically that's my long-winded way of saying all is pretty much on track here. Despite not having a scale, I think I've almost maintained my weight, at least my measurements are still the same so that's what really matters...

Have a great evening!

news

I just discovered there's a kickboxing/boxing gym right next to my place that offers kickboxing for women, skipping classes and beginner kickboxing. Best of all, they have 3-month memberships which is perfect for someone like me who wants to try all kinds of things.

I might just start doing that on Saturday mornings, so I'll have volleyball 3 nights, kickboxing class and free Lululemon classes.

Eeeeeee!

I've been tagged!

This has never happened, but it is exciting ha! I feel connected. I have one, maybe three readers at the moment, so it's unlikely I can find four people to answer four new questions, but I'll definitely play along by answering the Ice Queen's queries... yay!

Question #1 If you could eat any food at all for 24 hours without gaining weight, what would it be?

Hmmmm, ANY food?? If it can count as 1 food, it would probably be French baguette with balsamic vinegar and olive oil: a pure and simple pleasure. However, if that doesn't count as a single thing, I am sure fettuccini carbonara does, and that would be my second choice!

Question #2 Briefly describe how you would re-write the life experience of your favourite character in a book or movie.

I would re-write part of Catcher in the Rye for my precious sociopath Holden Caulfield. In one part that I found rather anti-climactic, though all of Salinger's stories are more character-development-based rather than plot-based, Holden gets very close to having a sexual encounter with a prostitute if I remember correctly (though I barely remember the details of even my favourite books). I would have him sleep with that woman and then proceed to behave as strangely after. It would add a layer of depth that I find lacking in that particular book. His other characters are so much meatier!

Question #3 What female family member has had the biggest positive influence on you and what was the most meaningful advice she gave you?

Well, my mother is clearly the most wonderful and influential person in my life, but for the purposes of this question, I would say my grandma. Since moving to the city where my dad grew up, I've had a chance to get closer to her. I've realized I am very much like her and she has a dry, dark humour that I adore. Everyone else in my family is almost painfully sweet, but she has an edge, even as a true, churchgoer and loving mother. Recently, she was complaining that the neighbour keeps trying to set her up on a "play date" with this old lady (they're the same age but my grandma acts/looks/thinks wayyyyyy younger than most her age), and she said, in French "I have enough friends, it's not my job to be friends with everyone." I realized she's just like me. We're both one part anti-social and one part people lover.

Question #4 If your blog were eaten by cyber roaches and gone for good, what would you do different in your new blog?

I would invest more time into writing more deep and meaningful things, and less about only what I eat and weigh. I needed friends to read it at first, but now I wish I had an anonymous blog through which to express the deeper things I cannot say "out loud". I would also post more creative writing, assuming it would now be an anonymous blog.

Thanks Erika, this was fun! Unfortunately,the trail ends here for me since I have no followers that are actually following anymore hahaha!

Small accomplishments

So I followed through on my word. I walked to the market and bought some food. I could have gone to the grocery store, but I needed real maple syrup, and right now the grocery stores only have that fake Aunt Jemima stuff.

I have also been dying to get out and walk around my new neighbourhood and go to the market, which I hadn't been to in a long time. Nothing makes me love a place more than a nice market with local foods. Can't explain it, but it's pleasant and makes me feel connected to people.

However, when it comes to meat-buying, I am lost. I get really scared when they ask me what I want and how much of it I want. I never know. I just buy things and then invent stuff with what I have. I don't do planning well. So I asked the butcher for help. Not only did he explain how to buy and cut pork tenderloin for 3 meals (a good amount for a single person who wants lunch and two dinners), he also gave me recipes for the pork and the merguez sausages I bought, ingredients and instructions included. Now that's service.

So I came home and tackled the pork dish. I didn't have most of what he listed, but I am pretty good at pairing flavours similar to those, so even though it didn't turn out great because I used a little too much clove, I used honey, ginger and clove to marinate the meat, and served with baby bok choy with lemon and garlic, and roasted Nantes carrots with honey, rosemary and garlic. The carrots were the best part, but overall the dish wasn't bad, but you can tell I'm an amateur.

I also bought my paint. Yay! I got to take out the heaping pile of recycling that's been crowding my small apartment all week, and tomorrow it's garbage day!! It will feel so much nicer in here without that.

Alright, off to start my work week. Ugh! :)

Backward motion

I have to give myself a little bit of s$%^ today. The last week was a DISASTER food-wise. I have eaten every bad food I normally say no to, all in one week. From nachos and cheese galore at the movies, to Lafleur's and IKEA hot dogs, to cheap, unhealthy pizza... I've run the gamut of over-fatty, over-salty, non-nutritious food.

To make matters worse, I am not weighing myself daily and am only doing volleyball, and I can feel I've gained a couple of pounds. This wouldn't bother me so much if I had already achieved my goal, but I had gotten to just 10 lbs away and this move just threw me for a loop. I don't deal well with routine changes, clearly.

The good news is I've started over as of today. I went to a free Lululemon class, which was Capoeira this week. It was tough but not suuuuper fun. Next week the class is called "Strong is the new skinny", whatever that means. But I am strong and not skinny, so I guess it's suited to me.

I built an IKEA Kivik couch today. No one should have to build a couch!!! However, with a tiny female friend to help me, we put the thing together with but ONE teensie-weensie glitch. I am not going to put my bed frame together until my bedroom is painted this weekend, and I buy a mattress.

I would rather not have all IKEA furniture, but for the big pieces I need things urgently, and it's cheap. All the other cheap places only have stuff that I do not like at all, like big, ugly couches and overly elaborate pieces.

Today's mission, in addition to the already-completed Capoeira and couch-building, is paint-buying. I need to have everything ready since my parents are coming next weekend, and my dad will be helping to paint my bedroom. I'd like to paint everything, but I don't want to ask too much of him, so just the bedroom for now, and perhaps the other rooms when I can pay someone to do it.

They are bringing me a scale, which is something I need as a daily reminder of my goal. I will go buy some food today so I have no choice but to eat good home stuff.

Hasta banana

back to work

Ah, the nice life of a person who doesn't work is over. It is 7:17 am and I am getting ready for my first day at work since moving. It feels almost like a first day of school, when it's dark out, and you're nervous, and up extra early.

I have to go eat and make lunch. Still broke, so no option but to eat home food. Plus I am getting off track food wise this week, and I need to reign myself in. Since I don't have a daily scale to remind me to stay focused, I really need to kick up my self-control now.

Good luck everyone.

The move

Well that glorious day finally came and went. I am in my new place. The move itself went extremely quickly and smoothly thanks to a few friends of mine and one indispensable dolly.

I took a few days off from work (until Thursday) to get myself organized. I have no furtniture so I need to shop around, plus buy little things like dishes, groceries, etc.

Today I got bad news from the notary, so once again I am emotional and facing more hurdles to being able to re-setup my life... However, the ex and I are working together to get all this resolved and keep facing forward.

I've been pretty lazy the last few days aside from necessary exercise like mopping the floors and volleyball. I don't have a scale right now (my folks are buying me one and bringing it in two weeks or so). Until then, I need to measure and eyeball it. But this week has been a write-off. A LOT of junk food. More than I've had all year. However, since I'm not eating often, I'm not eating too many calories I think, it's just the quality of my food that is excessively poor.

The boy situation hasn't gotten any clearer. Ah well. I have too many other things to think about right now anyway, but it would be nice if things could go well in more than one area of my life at a time...

The one part that's going well is my social life. My friends have really been helpful throughout this move. One friend in particular has taken the time to bring me food several times, knowing that I am struggling on many levels. This is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. People's generosity astounds me sometimes. It's those who have been through harder times than me that are the most understanding. It's incredible.

Alright, back to mopping. Still have a lot of life to sort out, one baby step at a time...

Have a good one.

better today

almost done packing. back aching. feeling satisfied at least.

so ready to just bring all this crap over to my new place. I have thrown out industrial quantities of stuff I just can't be bothered to lift.

report back tomorrow or Monday once my new Internet connection is set up...

:)

friday

lower case f.

Well, this ain't going to be a chipper message, but all in all, it's really not that I am extremely down right now either. I'm in a weird mood today, that's all.

I am still thrilled to be 145 and liking my body: what I previously believed to be the impossible.

I am exhausted. It's all for happy reasons, but no matter what being exhausted makes me cranky now that I am very used to getting good nights' sleep. I didn't used to mind being tired when it was my permanent state of affairs.

I'm moody because I am moving on Sunday. As I've repeated several times, this is full of mixed emotions. Most of all, this year has made me so emotionally and mentally exhausted that any change feels like a huge hurdle. I have come a long way since being dark and twisted day in and day out, but most of my changes have been physical rather than psychological. I have been waiting for the moment of living alone to start rebuilding my brain.

I'm moody about boy-related stories which I wont get into. I am an impatient person, and I am in a bit of a confusing situation right now. Waiting for someone to make his move and it doesn't seem to be happening...argh.

I took a cozy, drowsy long nap after work, which was amazing. I followed that with a gigantic, plentiful salad. I have almost used up all my food here, which means less stuff to bring to the new place on Sunday. I just want to enjoy tonight alone in my loft, because tomorrow I will be packing all day and it will be my very last night sleeping here. Four years and this chapter is almost closed. Sad. Well it feels sad but I know it will be good in the end...

Okay, enough blabbering. Sorry for the rant.

what's goin' on, what's goin' on?

Okay, so I have been eating dinner early, but not much earlier than usual. Maybe by about 15-30 minutes. I've also been exercising, but the same amount as usual. I've been eating well, but no better than I have been in my best weeks this year. Yet, I was 145.2 this morning.

This is astonishing. How the hell did I get from 153-151 to 145 in two weeks. Well I think I am forgetting something. When I arrived in Toronto for Thanksgiving I had gotten to 149. I thought it was just because I skipped a meal. After Thanksgiving obviously I went up to 153 again, and it took a week to come down to 149 again. I then dipped back in the 148s, but having bought groceries for the week (to avoid spending money I don't have on overpriced healthy takeout) pounds are shedding like cat hair. But in fact it's only about 3 pounds that I've drastically lost in the last two weeks, which is actually completely healthy. Aside from my recent nausea when I eat, which keeps me from overeating, I think I just broke my 153 plateau. Thanksgiving really did work. hahaha!

In a week or so I will probably pig out a little again, to throw my system for a loop. This seems to work wonders for reminding my body I am not starving. For now though, I'd like to sit back and acknowledge the fact I've now lost 40 lbs!!! I have only 10 more to go, and truly I am so happy. I like my body now. Well, like all people, there are still things I cannot change that I would like to, but I don't cringe when I see my body, I like it in clothes, and with just a little more work, I might be able to take a bikini-worthy vacation next year...

worried, again.

and happy at the same time.

I was 146.0 this morning, can you believe it???? What worries me is the fact that I'm losing the weight so quickly. I went from 150ish to 146 in less than two weeks. This is uncharacteristic and shouldn't be happening since I'm probably nearing my body's "natural / healthy" weight.

What bothers me is that I feel like I am eating enough, and I am definitely eating well these days, but then I think back on the amount of calories I must have eaten in the day and it is very low. Then I try to top up to make sure I'm not undereating. I am just not as hungry, nor as indulgent as I was before. This was helped by the fact that I felt nauseous every time I ate last week. I got a little bit of nausea yesterday, but not enough to keep me from eating.

In any case, as long as I am not starving myself and I'm eating nutritious food, I will try to just enjoy the fact I'm losing weight and almost at 10 lbs from my goal.

Wow, what a journey this has been and still is. The stakes are always changing, and my mindset has changed so many times. I think it's important that I look back at the beginning of my blog once in a while to remind myself what my initial goals were so I don't lose focus. But it is also important for me to set new goals since I have achieved most of what I wanted to accomplish, most importantly, to be healthy.

I have to get going... I just want work to be done with so I can go play vball again :)

catching up

I suppose I'll have to post measurements again soon, as well as a recent pic... I think I'll wait until I start the challenge again when I'll have to figure that all out anyway.

For now, I was at 147.8 this morning. I am still extremely happy to see those numbers, it hasn't worn off. Under 150 I am liking my body. I feel like a healthy, regular person. I know I can do better, but I personally think I deserve a pat on the back for getting here, because I know how hard it was. Only you can ever know how hard something really is on you, so you should always be the first to acknowledge the hard work. I never thought I could actually ever be fit, thin, good looking, NOT the chubby girl.

While this didn't matter to any of my friends or family, it has mattered to me my entire life.

In any case, food is on track. I have been eating enough the last two days and eating well. I bought some groceries on credit because I am broke right now with the move coming up. I need to save every penny to pay cash for the appliances and pay my first month's rent. I am thrilled to move but I really had no time to save up for this... I think I'll manage, but it's been a source of stress lately, one I'd like to ignore but cannot.

I played 3 full hours of court vball yesterday and it was great. I am not sure I'll continue playing court in winter because it's late at night and I find it much harder on the body than beach. I may throw myself around more at beach, but the impact on my joints is much less intense. After 3 hours of play, all of my teammates' backs were aching. Surprisingly, I am feeling good today, not too sore.

Alright, off to vurk.

rollercoaster

well, I got a lot done this weekend, but it didn't come without it's fair share of emotional upheaval. Who knew moving could be soooo dramatic? ha!

I had to reorganize some boxes I had packed last year when we first broke up, so I decided to throw out a ton of stuff. In the meantime, I had to sort through letters, cards, photos, etc. Some I cannot fathom why I hung on to, others brought out a lot of smiles, fond memories and tears. I am looking forward to being done this process. It does feel good to throw a lot of stuff away, but I am sick and tired of being so emotional and just want to move on and be happy.

Some moments have been happy. The ex and I discussed briefly how we're feeling since all my stuff is packed up, and we both feel exactly the same way: happy and sad. It was nice to just exchange these few words, it did me a world of good. While our relationship was tumultuous, in the last 6 months of living together, we've found a comfort zone that only comes with long term relationships and going through hardship together.

Anyway, in other news, I was still at 147.6 this morning. I went to a free exercise class at the Lululemon store. It was supposed to be "fusion stretch" (don't ask, I had no idea what this was meant to be), but it turned out it was "ballet stretch". So it wasn't much of a workout but it was a decent stretch exercise. I thought the instructor was too chaotic though, and am looking forward to next week's free class: budokon, a mix of yoga and martial arts :) Most of all, I am looking forward to my three nights of volleyball this week. Things are really fun these days since I know a lot of people there now and have made some friends I really enjoy.

I ate fairly well today considering I had almost no food in the fridge and all my basic ingredients are packed. Tonight I went grocery shopping and made the ex and myself a grilled chicken sandwich on pain parisien (large baguette)with mixed greens, tomatoes, Dijon, mayo, bbq sauce and swiss cheese. A side of grilled peppers was a pretty and nutritious touch. We had a PatsyPie ginger cookie for dessert, mmm.

Alright I am off to watch Monsters Inc. Normally not a huge fan of movies this light, but sometimes it's just what I need.

Have a great evening...

mixed feelings

I'm having a strange day.

Packing up my life for the past 4 years is rough. Not only am I unmotivated, but it is bringing up many of the feelings I've needed to supress til now. I've been randomly bursting into tears, then those outbursts are followed by elated dances to my blaring music at the joy of change, moving out, having come so far this year.

I am supremely ecstatic about my new home. Not so thrilled about leaving behind everything I thought I would have for a long time still... I guess I have a very hard time with change. As impulsive as I am, I kind of like monotony and sameness. I find a great deal of comfort in it, since my mind is all over the place. It grounds me.

I try not to let myself dwell on the sad feelings of losing someone I care about and my home, and focus on the excitement of meeting new people, men, going out, being fit, having my own place, etc.

I worked pretty hard for an unmotivated person though. I think I'm about 70% done. I just need to get my stuff out of the storage locker and finish packing dishes, etc.

For now though, I'm going to meet up with some friends to vent, relax a bit and then get to bed early so I can wrap this all up by tomorrow.

oh my god oh my god oh my god

147.4 today. WTF?!?

Well actually, while I am pumped about these numbers dropping on the scale, I am a tad bit worried too. I didn't eat much at dinner yesterday. Basically, every time I eat, for the last week or so, I feel nauseous (NO I am NOT preggers). I've been eating foods I normally eat, a lot of veggies and fruit and fibre etc.

My friend brought up a point that it may be something unusual in my diet. It made me think: for some reason I have drank a lot of milk this week. I never drink milk. In fact, I only started using milk for cereal in the last couple of years. But this week since I wasn't getting enough calories in, I was having glasses of milk. Perhaps this has irritated my stomach. So I am testing out NOT having it for a while to see if that helps. It really sucks to be nauseous when I eat.

So naturally, I am eating lightly and exercising a lot (volleyball last night was amazing) so I am losing pounds. I plan on going to see a doctor if this doesn't sort itself out soon, but I will start eating normally as soon as it does. Don't worry about little old me ever starving, it's not in my nature to deprive myself of food :)

I am liking my body and face and feeling great. I'm getting noticed by a whole different category of men. Nice, athletic ones. Not the super hot nasty preppy jocks, but the guys that I've always liked: the sweet ones who just happen to love sports and being fit. Sports are very important in my life as therapy, medication, pleasure, adrenaline, excitement, competition and discipline. I want someone in my life who will share that passion so that I don't fall into my own relationship trap of becoming completely and utterly lazy.

I am NOT getting the nasty attention of sleezy a-holes who just want a ride on a buxom, curvaceous woman in between dating skinny princesses. It is nice to not be treated like something I am not anymore.

This is all finally paying off for real. I am feeling truly like a different person. My emotional side still needs a lot of work. The last few years did a real number on my stability. But it's coming, I can feel it. I am calmer, happier, etc. I am still extremely fragile though and anxious and stressed. I think by the time this year is up I will be a new woman.

Have a great day!

A nice compliment

Well I consider myself a bit of a weak person in the mental sense, because I really do appreciate a nice compliment. I don't fish for compliments at all, and in fact I'm usually surprised at what people notice, and who notices it. But I feel like these compliments go a looooooooooooong way with me, where people always tell you you have to find satisfaction from within. But that can be difficult.

Anyway, a guy from volleyball came up to tell me that I looked good and looked like I'd achieved my goal (though he didn't actually know that I do have a goal, he was using a figure of speech). It really made my night to know someone thinks I look good, and I am flattered that some people think this is an ideal weight for me. Whenever I tell people how much weight I want to lose they look at me like I will be some disgusting skinny bone rack, but everytime I lose another 5-10 lbs, they see that I still have ample meat on my body, so there's no need to worry. I think I can safely get to 135 without ever looking skinny. I think if I went beyond 130 it would start to look a little scary on me.

My face has really changed. I was back down to 148.6 today, so I am thrilled, but it reaaaaaaaaaaallly makes a difference in my face. I never had a huge problem with my face, but I think I really like it now for once. I just hope that my face doesn't get any skinnier now because I think I'd start to look gross (I've always had a relatively thin face compared to my body).

So yeah, back down to 148!!!!! I wasn't undereating either. In fact, every day I have been making myself drink glasses of milk and eat 1-2 of these 100-calorie cookies just to top off my calories. I would guess that I am eating in the 1,800 calorie range but burning about 2,200 or so calories a day. It may be less than that, on both counts, but it's about that. Anyway, I am so excited that I am still losing weight. All I'm really doing is my regular walk to-from work and at lunch about 30 minutes, then playing volleyball three times a week. I am grateful that that is still enough for me to lose pounds. I am so close to liking my body. What a relief that is. I haven't liked my body ever, but now, with all the work I've done, I can appreciate the blessings of being able to play sports, being strong and being fit.

Today is a happy day. That is, until I looked outside at the grey, wet sky. But I will try my best not to let anything kill this buzz I have right now.

Feeling good

Happy eaaarly morning! I'm up early because I'm a moron. I screwed up some deadlines at work yesterday and now I need to go into work an hour early to be sure I get a project in on time. This never happens. Well maybe one other time in almost 4 years. I preferred to come in early than work late last evening, because I've been feeling exhausted and the feeling of a cold coming on worsens over the course of the day.

I am feeling thin. I am actually feeling NOT fat. I am still at 149 and I am absolutely thrilled because I am not undereating anymore. In fact I am deliberately trying to get in more calories here and there because I feel my body needs it. It's this weird new thing I have: I still get hungry like everyone else, and eat when I am hungry. But I also get this feeling of "need" that is not the same as hunger, yet not just a desire to snack for nothing. It's like my body is telling me to top up on calories. And it has been working. While, like I said, I was unintentionally undereating, I was also grabbing food throughout the day out of this physical need that feels more like thirst than hunger, and yet I get more than enough water. And with all this "snacking" I am losing weight, so I am glad my body has come up with this mechanism to be sure I don't undereat anymore.

But back to feeling thin, I love seeing a flat stomach in the morning. Then I see that I have nice curves and am very happy with my body. Even my thighs are starting to bother me less (that's where most of my fat goes, along with loads of muscle: I have very short, chunky soccer legs). Finally being in the 140s is like a miracle to me, like I can see the end of the tunnel, not just a tiny sparkling light dot. I am only 9-14 pounds from it, and then it will be real discipline time. Time to fine tune my body so it becomes as averse to weight gain as possible :)

Alright, off to work in the dark, cold morning. Have a nice day anyone out there (echoes)

the importance of sleep

I came home sick this afternoon to sleep. As I've mentioned, I have been exhausted for weeks, and yesterday, after waking up at a normal time, heading to the grocery store, I came home and crashed and slept for another hour or two.

Last night however, I didn't get more than 3-4 hours of sleep. I went to work in a daze and by the time I came back from my lunch walk, I was just sitting, staring at my computer, unable to process any information.

I came home and slept for about an hour and a half, hoping it wont affect my sleep tonight. Volleyball will hopefully tire me out enough as well. I ate dinner very early and vball finishes early tonight, so with all of this combined I am hoping to sleep a full night.

Sleep affects my ability and motivation to exercise, eat, work... but most importantly, lack of sleep makes me a crazy emotional wreck who takes everything the wrong way. I was definitely cranky today and needed home to rest off this hypersensitivity.

Dinner was surprisingly great. I made spinach fettuccini with zucchini, cherry tomatoes and yellow bell peppers. I also had a piece of lemon-pepper veal on top and the entire dish was infused with fresh garlic, lemon and parmesan flakes. MMMMMM. I rarely end up with tasty dishes when I attempt a sauce-less pasta, but this time it was perfect. I have more than enough for lunch tomorrow, so possibly two meals will come of it.

I was at 149 this morning again. Yay! I am hoping to maintain or continue weight loss up until my move in two weeks, when I can begin the Game On Challenge again. That way I wont have so far to go to get to 135-140lbs. At 135 lbs I will finally be in the Normal BMI range. I know the BMI is not a great indicator of health for muscular people, but as long as I stay close to the Normal range or even its upper portion, I am satisfied. I am starting to feel good about my body for once. I feel I still have a lot of work to do, and need a lot of discipline, but I am finally starting to be able to look at myself and see someone I think looks healthy.

okay, back to vegging. I feel like I might even need another 20-minute nap before vball because I am still very tired.

Have a great evening.

changes

I think I figured out the problem with me. I have been exhausted for over a week now, with no clear-cut explanation. I just realized this morning I haven't eaten any red meat in weeks. I think I am low on iron. In fact, I know I've been eating less than I should, but there are several reasons for this. For one, I can't really pay for lots of groceries right now, so I have to use them sparingly. Also, my schedule is pretty chaotic and I've missed a few meals here and there lately. Finally, I am just not that into food these days, but I think this is because I'm feeling exhausted. It's a vicious cycle.

Most importantly, I always get weak and sleepy when I haven't eaten red meat in a while, so usually once a week I try to eat some. Even though my favourite meat is a good steak, I rarely eat red meat, but lately it's been especially rare. So I just made a salad with a steak, and I even made a second one and put it sliced on top of another salad for tomorrow's lunch.

After dropping to 148 then back up to 153 post-Thanksgiving, I am back down to 149-150. Aside from undereating, I am happy about the weight loss. I should be working out a bit more than I am, or not so much more, but more effectively, but I'm being forgiving since I have a lot on my plate mentally and emotionally with this move. I am having a mixed bag of feelings: I am thrilled, esctatic even, about having my own new apartment and moving on with my life; at the same time I am feeling sad about parting with a part of my life (my ex and my first home) which, no matter how unhealthy it all was for me, had become comfortable and does have it's up sides that I will miss dearly. Lastly, I am feeling exhausted at the thought of packing, moving, buying new furniture, sorting out my life, and so on. It feels like everything in the last 4 years has been a challenge and it's never easy and settled. I keep looking forward to being able to save money and take a vacation, and it keeps not happening, so now I am skeptical I'll ever get there, and it's sucking my motivation.

Anyway, things are changing and some new things are exciting. I was asked out by a guy from volleyball, and while I am uninterested, he is a sweet guy and it feels good to know anyone out there finds me interesting and attractive. Gives me hope for the future dating I'll undoubtedly have to go through in the coming years.

Alright. Back to work starting to get myself ready for this move...

A grey day

I don't want to go to work. I think I'm coming down with something. However, I know there is no one around to take the project I am working on, so if I can get that done and I am still feeling like crap, I may just come back home to sleep.

I was a space case yesterday because my sinuses were blocked. I went to volleyball anyway, and played for 2 hours straight. I didn't play as intensely as usual because of the sinuses and a few random pains that I am worried could become injuries. After an hour, my sinuses felt better. I have more games tonight, but thankfully they are earlier tonight so I can get a full night's sleep.

I did not go grocery shopping. I need to. But I have eight million things to do to prepare for my move in a few weeks that everything seems a little overwhelming. I've begun doing a few things and writing lists. Lists are good. Lists help me not go insane with too many things to plan. All the things I need to do are like a cascade, and each is intertwined. I can't just go ahead change where my payroll gets deposited for example, because I still have financial obligations with the ex, so it must be carefully planned with him to be sure we don't default on any payments. I can't transfer the car lease to me until shortly after I've moved because of the credit situation... it's hard to explain but basically everything must be done in some specific order so nothing gets messed up. ugh.

Back to 152 again today, almost 153. Not pleased. But whenever I have to buy takeout for my meals I gain, even when I make wise choices. It's just not enough veg and fibers...

Okay gotta go. Good luck on persisting in your journeys.

Back

I am back. So tired from getting to bed late. Don't want to work.

Also, back up to 152, though I am not sure if it's just a difference of scales. I might ask my parents to buy me the same scale they have as a housewarming gift :) The one I use now belongs to the ex. I have no groceries, so will have to take care of that tonight, and I have vball tonight and tomorrow yay.

For now, time to go to work, ugghghhhhhhh.

Thanksgiving

What a weekend so far. I got to play tennis in the warm weather with dad yesterday, today it will be squash. Then, I'm off to an antique market with my brother, then coming back to help mom prepare all the food. It is sunny and warm and their house is so quiet and peaceful. Not when we're all in the same room at once though.

I was still 148.8 this morning. I am still in shock. I tried on a dress from highschool that I wore at about age 17. It's just a little looser than it was on me then, which means THAT is when I weighed this much last. Also meaning I mostly gained weight at the end of high school and in university (I thought it was more progressive than that).

I am looking forward to that dress being too big for me too, and being at a healthy fit weight. Honestly, I think I'd look healthy at the same weight I was at 14. That sounds a bit twisted and bizarre to me, and I know my body isn't the same shape as back then, but I was a really great size. And all along, at that age, I thought I was super fat. I guess when you're the fattest of your friends, who had mostly not hit puberty yet, that's what happens. But yeah, about 135 and I don't think I want to see what I look like any thinner than that because I am almost satisfied with my thinness. That's just over 10 lbs to go and I cannot believe it.

For now, I'm just happy I am under 150 and eating well even at my parents, but totally prepping to eat excessively tonight, which my body needs I think. So I will have to not get upset about the ultimate jump in weight, it WILL come off and I will remain focused and motivated until New Year's and beyond...

I am grateful for everything, the good and the bad, right now. What are you grateful for?

WTF?!

This is a GREAT WTF! though.

I was 148.8 this morning! HOWEVER, and a big HOWEVER, here are possible explanations:

1. I didn't eat dinner yesterday, though I did eat a string of snacks over the course of the afternoon and night: apple, apple crumble, two bags of veggie chips (very small), wine, Diet Coke, water, a small bowl of yogurt with cereal and raspberries when I got to my parents' place, and some dark chocolate on the bus ride to the airport. Not very healthy I know, but I kept trying to find food to eat for a meal and nothing was appealing to me.

2. I am using my parents' super amazing new scale. It may differ from mine, but I would like to think it's more accurate, and my mom says it matches the one at the gym, so it's likely that's my true weight.

I know it wont last long since I am here to stuff my face with food, but I never thought I'd see the 140s before November! This is truly incredible to me. Wow!

Alrightm have a great day! Mine is great so far, slept in...

Leanne has landed...

And thanks to Porter Airlines, at a beautiful airport with a beautiful view of the beautiful Toronto skyline at night, ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Home for my favourite holiday. Was still 151 this morning so I can let go this weekend, as a boost to help break my plateau when I get back. I wont be able to start the challenge again right after because it costs a lot in fresh produce and proteins, and I am le poor and trying to now prepare to move in November.

I haven't been able to sleep all week. Right now I am trying to get so tired that I wont lie awake in bed so long.

Happy to be with my parents. My mom just lost her closest sister, and it's obvious she needs us around right now. And I also needed to see my parents, since it had been a while and this year has been strange for everyone.

My bro will be exhibiting his digital photography work at the Gladstone Hotel this coming week and I am super excited because I've never been able to see a full show. Aside from the fact that we don't get along very well after more than an hour or so together, I think he is extremely talented and hardworking, and I love seeing his work evolve.

alright, I'm out. wish me luck sleeping.

moving on up

I was back down to 151.6 today, so that's good news.

I wasn't particularly careful yesterday. Well actually, I was "bad" but in a smart, calculated way. I had my regular cereal for breakfast, chicken and grilled peppers for lunch, a couple of apples as snacks, but I also went and got one scoop of my favourite Laura Secord ice cream: French Crisp. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

For dinner I made a nice big omelette with swiss and blue cheese and apples in it. I am made a big salad on the side.

Today I am not making a lunch out of sheer laziness, and I have some fish I will cook for dinner tonight pre-volleyball.

The BEST news of the week is that I found an apartment to move to in November, so I can finally get out of this weirdness I've been living in for the past year. I absolutely love this place that I found and am very much looking forward to moving in.

Have a wonderful day!

yo-yo

So my body has clearly enacted the 10-lb law again. Allow me to explain...

I began losing weight at about 183 lbs, and since then, every time I reach the 10 lb milestone, I hit a plateau. It is incredible to me that my body will lose weight in such specific increments. Frustrating as hell, but fascinating nonetheless.

I am back to 152. I am still eating carefully and played court vball last night, so there's not much more for me to do. This is time for counter-intuitive measures, which is perfect timing for me. I am heading home to visit the parents and bro for four days, which is just enough time to eat completely differently, including large amounts of Thanksgiving fare, while still doing a few days of exercise.

I truly believe my body just needs a kick in the ass, which contrary to what you might think, actually means eating poorly. I have sincerely become a pretty careful eater. I still eat junk now and again, and I am not starving myself, I have just become great with making sure everything balances out in terms of the quality and quantity of my food. I need to throw my system out of whack now.

When I return, I intend to start doing the Game On! Challenge again shortly after. I plan to play by myself because I don't really feel like stressing about winning for my team. I want to be strict with myself for the sake of losing my last 10-15 lbs before the end of 2010 is all... I think October will be a good month to do it, because I will likely be moving in November and it may be harder. Plus, my social outings are slowing down with the colder weather, which makes it far easier to manage.

So wish me luck. I failed on getting to 150 (for good) by the end of September, but maybe I can still make it to 140 lbs by Christmas or earlier, without any truly drastic measures...

I wish you all persistence to continue on your journeys as well...

woohoo!

I was 150.5 this morninggggg!!!! Yayyyyy! Oh my god. I never ever ever thought I was capable of ever losing all the weight I wanted/needed to lose, and I am now only 10 lbs away.

I have to diffuse this enthusiasm for a second to mention that I ate almost nothing yesterday and walked for at least 2.5 hours on both Saturday and Sunday, so this is the reason for the dramatic drop. However, I wasn't not eating on purpose!

Yesterday I had brunch with a friend, so I took a bowl of fruit with yogurt, honey and nuts, as well as 1.5 small, freshly baked croissants. I had huge amounts of coffee as well, and just as the caffeine migraine set in, I walked back home. It's an hour each way for me to get to that place. Then, I rested at home a bit and made myself a quick salad with some blue cheese, pecans, ham, tomatoes, avocado, lettuce and homemade dressing. I picked up and walked back downtown to meet a friend from back home, then proceeded to walk to her friend's place. 45 minutes later I was off again to meet a different friend, for a total of about 3 hours. Naturally, there was no time for dinner in all of this. However, since I felt like passing out at the last cafe, I ate one of the cupcakes I bought for a friend of mine who didn't show up. Upon returning home, the ex had bought pizza, so I had a slice.

I ended up not able to sleep and am exhausted today, but am thrilled about 150. I really want to lose this last 10 lbs after Thanksgiving so I can start buying my new wardrobe over Boxing Day...

I ate a healhty cereal and fruit breakfast, with protein-loaded Greek yogurt. For lunch I've made some tuna with bread, avocado (a quarter) and a couple of small tomatoes, as well as two apples hand picked last week by the ex. Yum!

Have a good Monday, and wish me luck not passing out at my desk. I am sooooooooooooooo tired.

mmm mmm good.

Volunteer work... check!
Walking for over 2 hours...check!
Going to the gym to compensate for upcoming Indian food... check!
Eating Indian food at favourite restaurant, to excess... check!
Watching a fantastic movie, Incendies, and figuring out the "punchline" halfway through but still loving it... check!

Weight, only slightly higher but not scary. I will be eating at restaurants twice today too, so I will be careful to include veggies and not so much fat as I ate yesterday. But as a safety precaution, I am walking to meet my friend for brunch. It is 1 hour from my place on foot, if not more. I don't know if I'll walk home, but most likely, because it is soooooooooooo beautiful outside, despite the fact it's only about 3 degrees (?!?) right now. "They" say it will be warmer all week, but it's like we're in pre-winter weeks already. Where did my wonderful fall go?

Okay, off to eat my kiwi and get ready for a big, long walk outside :)

Have a wonderful day.

This is what happens when you say it's going to be a good day.

It turns out to be less than thrilling.

So yes, I went to volunteering, which is always kind of nice. I was preparing the meals and cleaning the kitchen (it's a meals-on-wheels service for the elderly and severely disabled), but the other girls working today were all new, and didn't talk at all. Those who know me know that I am too shy to initiate conversation with strangers, but once they open the door, I am totally comfortable. So since they didn't speak, I didn't speak and it was pretty boring overall.

Bootcamp was also cancelled since there weren't enough people, which means I will need to go to the gym. I was really hoping to not have to go to the gym anymore with all my other activities, but everything keeps being cancelled. Serves me for being a painstakingly reliable person. ha!

The good news, I say with hesitation, is that if I go to the gym, I will not feel one ounce of guilt about going to my very favourite Indian restaurant tonight and having whatever I want. I have already done almost 2 hours of walking, which normally would be enough, but since my body seems to be stubbornly holding on to my weight, every extra bit counts. And I generally have an abundance of energy these days too, almost uncontrollable, so I need to harness it and put it toward getting fit only.

So yes, I finally reached 151!!!! I think that [IF NOTHING GETS CANCELLED) I should be back on track to losing weight by the end of next week. I have vball on MON/WED/THURS, and I will potentially workout today and tomorrow. While I am going to Toronto to see family for Thanksgiving and normally gain a tiny bit of weight from stuffing my face with pie, turkey, potatoes, wine, cranberry sauce, wine, pie, wine, pie... I will probably play some squash with my dad and brother, and maybe hit up a spinning class with a former high-school friend who did the weight loss challenge with me this summer. So I will physically prepare for a full-on Thanksgiving tummy bust. However, my appetite isn't what it used to be, so it's not that difficult to manage compared to previous years. I actually managed to make it through two Christmases without gaining any weight (though depression made up for that eventually).

Alright, it's now or never: I need to put my gym gear on and at least TRY doing something down there... talk to y'all later.

:)

151.8 today, sweeeeeeeet. And the sun is bright and great, sweeeeeet.

Going to volunteer today in the kitchen, then (after walking there and back for a total of almost 2 hours of walking) I will be going to a bootcamp class with my ex personal trainer, if he can find enough people.

After that, going for dinner with a friend, then to see Incendies the movie.

Will be a very nice day I suspect.

rain, rain go away.

So my second night in a row of beach vball was great! I didn't injure myself either, I just have a little bit of a sore neck on one side, but I am stretching it and have until Monday to rest it.

It was really nice playing with more competitive players. There are good players in the less competitive league, but on Thursdays we go all out, whether you're great or not. This guy had to help us out since we were missing a player, and it turns out he is one of the site's best players and has been a coach, professional player and all that jazz. He's also very nice and gave me a lift home (literally a 2 minute drive) because I didn't want to walk in the hurricane-like wind and rain we had all evening.

I just realized I have to enter my team's scores now, so I have to go. All this to say I had a great time but am still at 152 lbs!!!! argh!!! I am still trying to figure out what's going on...

Hair and stuff

Erika from Fat like Me has been writing about her hair lately and I thought I should also mention that I've noticed I am losing a lot of hair since I starting shedding pounds. However, ever since I cut my hair shorter, it's insane the amount of hair I leave around the bathroom and pull out in the shower. I think it might be because I got my hair cut just before doing the weight loss challenge in July/August, when my weight loss accelerated.

Apparently ("they" say) this hair loss is completely common because of the hormonal changes resulting from weight loss, just like when you lose hair during pregnancy. Anyhoo, I'm only a teensie bit worried for now.

I am sitting here enjoying a bowl of Kashi, Greek yog (vanilla because they had no non-fat plain last week) and raspberries/blueberries and maple syrup. This grey weather is really a bummer, but yesterday's volleyball put me in a better mood. I played for two rounds with my new team. Technically they are last in the standings, but they are better to play with than my team last week, so I am thrilled. Then I played with another team for two more rounds, for a total of about 2 hours of play. The second set of rounds was intense. I was diving left and right and I feel it today. I am looking forward to tonight's games anyway :)

I signed up for a THIRD night of vball, on Thursdays, because I can't get enough and it was half price and its more competitive, so I will have more fun.

After a week of frustration about my weight, I think I'm getting back down. I think. I don't want to jinx it. My measurements are the same, and I feel like my fat has shifted back to its usual spots and has gotten used to being thinner me. It goes in cycles, and sometimes I am super flabby, then suddenly everything looks more taut as it was before. I could still use some toning, but every time I lose a few, my fat gets all flippy and loose.

I am at 152.4 this morning. I hope tomorrow I will see a lower number. I am working my ass off, literally, and it's not getting me very far. I have to remind myself to keep eating well and don't go crazy out of frustration.

Speaking of crazy, I went to a new fish and chips place down the street and had fried fish, chips, fried scampi with a curry sauce and a fried snickers bar. MMMMMMM. It was really good. I didn't gain any weight and didn't feel too disgusting afterward because I avoided fats all day and largely ate veggies and fruit, with a little bit of protein and carbs. I was "saving up" my calories for dinner. I absolutely love fish and chips and this spot gets my stamp of approval. If only they could turn their big fries into little skinny, greasy, matchstick-style ones, it would be my heaven.

Alright, enough about nasty (yummy) food. I don't want to tempt anyone. However, it's all about balancing it out with a LOT of healthy food the rest of the time, so there's no guilt and no weight gain.

So glad it's Thursday, I am off to work now...

flusteration

I am eating very well, working out, and all that, and yet again, the scale is up a notch.

This is baffling.

Yes, I ate a fairly large amount of pasta last night, with a salad, but even that pasta was measured before so I knew about how many calories would be reasonable. My lunch was almost no calories, and I ate mostly fruit and veggies all day...so once again, I am at a loss.

All I can do is persist and hope I break through the 152-154 barrier. I keep getting so close to 151 and then a slight bump back up, and I spend my whole week trying to get back down, getting nowhere really. I worked out well yesterday after work, with 30 minutes of intervals on the bike and pushups, sit ups, dips, squats, lunges, obliques, and so on... I am taking tonight off since I have volleyball tomorrow and Thursday.

I was hoping also to get to 151 because I am going to be trying out a brand new fish and chips place tonight. I've been eyeing it since I first spotted it a week ago, and the reviews are very good. So I asked a friend to go with me, and I am pretty excited. This means that today I will need to eat light as well, so I don't go overboard with calories.

I am loving being thinner, but not so much liking being in between two pant sizes and therefore not having clothes that fit and not having the money to buy clothes I'll only wear for a month or so. Today, as has become necessary of late, I am wearing leggings to work, ugggghhhh. This is not work appropriate, but my only other option is to wear the same jeans I wear all week or my one skirt that fits (but then I have to wear heels and I don't like that).

Alright, 'nuff whining, I am in a pretty good mood these days actually so rainbows, butterflies and lollipops.

a new week

I am starting over, once again.

After throwing a hissy fit over a couple of pounds all weekend, I am back to it.

I only walked on Friday and gave myself a day off on Saturday. Sunday though, I went to a free cross-fit class, which was pretty great workout wise. I ate a massively enormous brunch, so the rest of the day I merely ate a salad and a few fruits, since my entire brunch was protein/carbs.

I am back down to 152. I am really going to have to push myself this week if I want to achieve my goal or get close to achieving it. Tonight I will have to workout at the gym because indoor vball is still cancelled until next week. Tomorrow I will take the day off and then Wednesday and Thursday I will be playing volleyball.

It's a time of year when I am very sluggish and lazy. If the sun would come out I'd probably be fine, but this grey weather hits me like a bag of bricks. No excuses though. I've come this far, I can't give up so close to my goal... I only have until Christmas after all, and Thanksgiving is on it's way.

Have a great day!

Struggling

After all that excitement about getting so close to 151, and potentially achieving my goal of getting to 150 by next week, AND after eating mostly carefully all week... I am HEAVIER. I have thought of everything: the little desserts I've indulged in, the alcohol, the fewer workouts, muscle gain, salt intake... If it looks like I'm obsessing, it's because I am. I don't know, my moods are all over the place lately and this weight thing is suddenly a huge issue this week.

I find this sudden (slight) jump back up on the scale very mysterious. I had started dropping with exercise, and I did SO much exercise on Thursday. However, the rest of the week I worked out once and played a pretty week set of volleyball. I also took walks, and all this combined is not as much as usual, but still more than enough to at least maintain my weight. I have been extremely careful with all my meals out to include veggies and avoid bad proteins, high fat, etc. I have turned down loads of desserts, while still eating some, but within my calorie requirements... The alcohol could be the culprit, but why only a day later? I ate light yesterday, and not too much salt. The only thing that has changed is a slight "digestive" change without daily kiwis and cereal to move things along faster.

Today I am just not motivated enough to go to the gym. I am looking to give myself a break and start again tomorrow with a new attitude. I will be doing a free cross fit class at a Lululemon store (I just discovered they offer free classes, which is fantastic for broke people looking for new workouts to do).

I ate two kiwis to get my system started (I woke up at 9ish and didn't eat until 1, after grocery shopping, so all I had was about 6 glasses of water). Then I cut up two tiny yellow potatoes and sauteed those with local garlic, I made some asparagus with pepper and lemon and two eggs. It was a very well-proportioned meal and I was careful with the salt and oil/butter.

This evening, I am preparing for a large meal of very healthy and delicious sushi from my favourite place, so I ate a substantial brekkie so I can not eat lunch in between. I will probably snack on a fruit or some veggies in an hour or so. I will spend my evening with my friend who's just had a beaaaaautiful baby girl, and the lovely one herself (Sarah), and then head out later to a club to meet some friends celebrating one of their birthdays.

Alright, back to laundry and resting and moping and feeling sorry for myself for being in a funk. I'll be better in the morning after sleeping on some sashimiiii!

Le bootcamp.

Well I survived :) Actually, it really was not that tough. It WAS proper bootcamp style with lots of push ups, abs, running and squats, but the group was a fun mix of not-so-fit people. I was scared that my trainer's clientele would be insane workout buffs, but instead there were two gay boys, one overweight and the other rake-like, one older man in pretty decent shape and two girls, one who looks good but is out of shape and the other who is quite fit (although she was on one of my favourite local TV shows so she kind of has to be in decent shape too) haha!

At the end, they told me I "was the best one, it was nice to watch". I find that hilarious because no one has ever said I am nice to watch, because when I run I am a little chubby, muscly thing... not some long, graceful runner. And I also make noises when I am struggling through my workout, including light moaning and grunting hahah. Anyway, there were only 6-7 of us this week, but there will be more later on, for now it was just hard enough to be a worthwhile exercise, but not so hard that I puked up my dinner (which I ate at my favourite cafe in the area right before). I also walked to work, walked at lunch, walked to and from the parc for the bootcamp and then walked home from my friend's, for a total of about 2 to 2.5 hours of walking.

In less exciting news, I still weighed in at 152.6 today. Last night I weighed myself (I sometimes do this because I can approximate how much I will weigh in the morning and avoid potential shock, and by the way, this obsessive behaviour WILL stop once I have achieved the goal weight, I know it's too much). I was 153.8. Now, by my usual patterns, that would mean I'd weigh in anywhere between 150.5 and 152, but I was so sure I would get to see 151 for the first time... I blame it on drinking half a bottle of wine last night late. I think I have actually lost the weight, but the late night aspect is what threw things off. There's no way I walked for 2 hours and did a 1-hour bootcamp and ate normally and did not lose a pound.

This is important because I'd like to hit the 150 milestone by October 1, but with my back being out last week and Monday volleyball cancelled for two weeks, this has thrown off my game. Once I hit 150, I will maintain that until Thanksgiving, after which I will begin my Game On! challenge again, this time just with myself. That should help me lose another 7-10 lbs and then the last boost will be leading up to Christmas. This is going to take dedication, which is something I don't have much of these day, because my social life is a major barrier to weight loss (mainly because I see my friends at times when I could workout).

Anyway, all that ranting about a few pounds and I feel ridiculous, but hey, that's what I started all this for...

Summumma beach!

So the Fall beach vball season kicked off last night with a confused, muffled bang.

Up until yesterday, when I logged on the site, I was part of a team called the Goof Balls (I sign up as an individual and they place me on a team). The Goof Balls were supposed to start at 9:20 pm. So I come home from work, thinking I really need to pace myself otherwise I'll go crazy waiting to play. So around 6:15 I started making dinner.

At 6:25 I re-checked the schedule just to be sure, and alas! they switched me to a team comprising all individual registrants, and we would be playing at 6:40!!$$$#!@% So I took my potatoes and eggplant out of the oven, put away my fish and asparagus, and ran out to the courts.

When I got there, my Summer team and my current indoor court team were there, as they formed one team. I was not part of it because I wasn't planning on signing up for beach in the fall until recently. So I met my team. They are very nice people, but not very good at vball. Since it's recreational, I don't get too worried about how people play (it's not like I'm some great player or anything), but I started to get extremely annoyed at one point because being bad = NO MOVEMENT. I do volleyball as exercise, and whenever you play against or with a bad team, you hardly move at all. This takes away all the fun for me. So I was trying to keep a smile on my face, after all, it's only recreational, but I have asked to be switched to a more competitive team. I need a bit more of a challenge in order to improve.

If they don't let me switch, they are offering spots on Thursday's competitive mixed league at half price...so I may end up playing vball 3 nights a week. Once indoor court, twice beach. I am anxious to see what they (they being the league organizers / court owners) say...

I am on track at 152. I was really hoping I would be able to visually see 151 today, but due to the vball confusion, I cooked my dinner when I got home at 8:45 pm, then decided to save it for lunch today at work and instead eat cereal with yogurt and raspberries and coconut and maple syrup mmmmm. Same thing for breakfast today by the way. I also had (last night) one piece of raisin toast with some olive oil margarine. Naturally, since I ate later than usual, my weight isn't as low as it usually is. Also, the minute I stop eating my daily kiwi, the ol' digestive system slows down a little. It's not that I have problems per se, it's just less consistent.

Anyway, I am pretty pleased with myself for 1) restraining from re-injuring my back; and 2)continuing to workout when I am not motivated... I know, the two sort of contradict but hey, that's me.

Tonight I have an outdoor bootcamp class with my ex personal trainer, in a beautiful park after work. He is very nice as a trainer, but I am scared of any class called bootcamp. However, he has been warned about my back and should go easy on me and the beginners.

Take care!

A step in the right direction

Well, my back feels almost healed, so I am very glad about that. I am also glad I forced myself to go to the gym yesterday. I have gotten out of the gym-going routine since I started doing so many other physical activities, but it's always a good backup plan.

I managed to do 20 minutes of 1-minute intervals at a faster pace than usual, and 10 minutes of brisk uphill walking. I followed with 30 pushups, interspersed with about 60 cross-fit crunches, the plank, 30 lunges with weights, 30 squats and stretching. My body is feeling so much better today. I had been having all kinds of weird pains all week and now most of them are gone.

So I weighed in at 152.6 again!!! YAY! This put me in a great mood too. I need to keep up my careful eating and exercise this week to get to 150 by month end (I hope). I have not bought groceries still, but the ex and I alternate between buying small batches of stuff. So this week I have been eating Greek yogurt/raspberries/cereal and maple syrup for breakfast (with kiwi of course), sliced veggies and a fruit as a snack, and I have been buying healthy-ish wraps and any meal that has a lot of veggies in it as well as protein. Dinners have been a mishmash. Last night I made a piece of trout with some potatoes and asparagus, and cut the meal in half to keep the other part for today's lunch.

It is extremely difficult to eat out and get enough good protein and vegetables. It is all too easy to get bad carbs and fat and sugar though. I have cut out my recently acquired daily habit of a double long espresso with raw sugar to start the day, and have gone back to my old ways of green tea. I love the espressos, but I can't have them without sugar, and green tea I can, so it ends up a healthier option.

Trying to cut back on sugar (especially the prevalent cornstarch and high fructose syrup, for example) is a surefire way to lose weight. I already only use raw sugar at home, and maple syrup/honey are my sweeteners of choice most of the time, but I am trying to cut back a little on foods with those sugar products in them as well. I wont cut it out completely, but you end up getting used to giving your body the sugars in fruit and veggies instead. However, since I started my weight-loss journey, I have developed quite the sweet tooth, which makes this a little harder.

I figure it's because I cut out a lot of my favourite rich sweets (cheesecake, ice cream, etc) which are not soooo sweet and instead full of fat. Now, having cut out the most caloric desserts, I am left with some of the lighter, albeit sweeter ones. I started the whole espresso thing in part to serve as a dessert treat :)

Okay, I am rambling about too many things today I think. My mind is all scattered and I am hyper. All that matters is that I feel like I am back in action and eating well, and I am still on track to becoming healthier and fitter. Great!

I hope you all have the strength today to continue with your hard work. Stay committed and it will all pay off...

Blessings in disguise

I have calmed down a lot since Friday :) It was a very, very rough day for me (read crash and burn), but two days with a good friend at her cottage tucked away in a beautiful forest in front of a tranquil lake with no one around was precisely what I needed. I spent most of my time playing with the new kitten, who is so adorable. I don't normally like cats, but this one is a bit like a puppy.

I was debating at length with myself about whether or not to take the chance of playing volleyball tonight. I did not exercise last week at all aside from walking, compromising my weight loss progress. I needed to give my back time to heal. I had thought about skipping vball since my back isn't totally better, but I probably would end up going anyway. Alas! I received an email this morning announcing that volleyball is cancelled for this week. While this saddens me, the child in me feels better not playing knowing that no one else will be playing either. I will start with beach volleyball on Wednesday and see how that goes, then I am supposed to try my ex-personal trainer's first outdoor bootcamp class. He says he will adjust it for beginner/advanced, so if my back's giving me trouble I'll tell him to go easy on me.

I met up with some friends last night upon returning from the cottage, and we had a blast. We had "le fou rire" the entire time because of all the absurdities we would bring up in between "real" conversation. What a saviour it is to have fun, good friends. Meeting people who share the same values as me and find joy in the simple things has been refreshing to no end. I am starting to feel fulfilled with my life.

Alright, enough la-dee-daaa, off to work I go I go.

Gripes

Feeling down, don't want to live today.

Don't worry, I feel this way often over the past year and I will not act on it, but I am not being dramatic either. This is me in 2010, dealing with my life and all that's happened. Mostly hyper and happy, with un underlying, repressed side of depression and suicidal thoughts. I do everything I can to stay sane, but every now and then my reality springs back to the fore. Then it's merely an exercise of putting things in perspective to realize that no matter what is lingering beneath the surface, my life just really ain't that bad.

So since I am in a shitty mood, I am going to whine for 5 minutes then I'll be done with it, focus on my work and get through to the end of the day so I can go to my friend's cottage and rest.

1. Weigh in was disappointing today. I was at 153 yesterday and this morning almost 155, and that was a little unexpected. I am not working out since I injured my back and the pain keeps coming back late in the day, so I figure I need to not extend my left arm at all if possible for the next few days, then try to massage and stretch it daily after that. I think not exercising (though I have been taking walks) is getting me down too.

2. I went to try on boots. I thought that after losing 30 lbs and inches off my legs I would be able to finally fit in some boots, but alas, my calves are still abnormally large for my shoe size apparently. Not one pair of boots under $200 fits me. I simply will not pay over $200 for a pair of shoes because I inevitably wear them all the time and ruin them within a year. I actually found a great pair of Canadian-made rubber boots for $50!!! And yes, the deliberately oversized leg hole was still too small for these sausages. I HATE MY CALVES! Only because I cannot ever fit into any pair of boots ever!!!!

3. I love having my lunches alone, to myself, but today was just depressing. I had some yummy sushi in some other food court where I wont see anyone I know, but I am in a 'hating people' mood, so I guess I probably should have tried to make a lunch and take a walk after like I usually do.

4. work sucks. I suck at it these days. I don't have the energy to focus or try harder and this really bugs me. It is being noticed and that is not a good thing.

Okay, whining over. back to work and I will do my best to try to smack on a smile and get through to bedtime :)

Still fat?

Okay, I don’t care what anyone thinks, I have to talk about this, as ridiculous as some of you may find it, because it is on my mind and frankly, well, this is MY blog anyway.

Here I am, one day further along in the process of weight loss. I have successfully lost over 30 lbs now, and have surpassed all my objectives so far. As I have lost the weight, my perspective has shifted and my goals changed, while I am fighting hard to not become someone who cannot ever be satisfied. For now though, I know I am still not in my “healthy” weight range, and not to my liking physically. I am an athletic person and I would like my body to be in top shape so I stop getting injured so often and my outside reflects all the healthy things I feed my insides J
Here’s the problem though. I have lost 30 lbs, which is a lot. And I now weigh only 152 lbs, which is not fat. BUT, one day I feel amazing about my body and really see a difference (mainly in clothing sizes, not in the mirror), and then lately, the opposite is true. I am at my lowest weight and now, more than ever, I am not seeing any difference and am feeling very fat. I can even grab overflowing handfuls of fat rolls when I am sitting. I am not talking about the layer of skin most skinny girls point out as a “roll” they’d like to get rid of, but substantial, meaty, inches-thick fat. And I have a flat stomach when standing, aside from a relatively small gut. My thighs still look gigantic to me as well.

Now I try to not be discouraged by these things, and be realistic as well: I know my body has been shrinking proportionately, and therefore, will look the same naked as it did before (with the exception of my stomach, which is now flat like before I got too overweight, and my face, which now has a visible bone structure). I try to remind myself that this is primarily about my health and not so much vanity, and that every thin person also has weird body parts they have to get used to.

I think what’s happening is that I used to have thicker, more solid fat that was harder to grab, tighter. Now, the fat is loosening, which is mostly a good thing if I continue to eat well and exercise, but looks very unappealing. I am pasty white which doesn’t help either J I just don’t understand why I really, honestly and truly see myself almost exactly the same way I saw myself at 186 lbs. In any case, I am keeping my next goal at 140 lbs by year’s end. I think that is just over what I am ‘supposed’ to weigh, but a comfortable weight for me to maintain. After that, 2011 will be focused on toning and trying to get rid of the flabby look.

Back in action

My back is a little better today :) I am able to stand up straight and sit up while breathing, which is a good sign. I had no other physical activities planned for this week, and would normally hit the gym chez moi, but I will take at least a couple days to rest since next week I have court and beach vball two days apart. I want to be able to play and avoid further damage.

I also finally cleaned my apartment, though the person living with me (the ex) has not done his half yet and it's driving me coocoo.

And lastly, I FI-NA-LLY! went to buy a few groceries. I was torn between buying a huge batch of stuff and having it delivered, or taking a bag with me and just filling that up. Since my back was in pain I had to be very choosy about what was essential. I managed to get everything into one bag and have enough food for at least a couple of days (healthy food takes a lot of space because it's mostly veggies and fruit). I just ate a bowl of Kashi high fibre cereal with some shredded coconut, pecans and maple syrup mmmmmm. I also prefaced that with my usual two glasses of warm water and a skin-on kiwi.

Yesterday I just made one big salad with tomato, cucumber, yellow pepper, mixed greens, goat cheese, pecans and turkey with my regular homemade dressing. We just got a huge batch of garlic from Quebec which is phenomenal. I strongly recommend eating local garlic if you have it. I always found that, while it tastes alright, the garlic we get from China smells like dog food. Quebec garlic is powerful and spicy, and has been life changing hahah! I also (bad me) had a few slices of baguette with olive oil and balsamic too.

I have to say that I've been very good and very bad lately. I have been very good in that I make sure to be conscious of what I am eating at all times, even when looking around for something "junky" to eat. I usually end up opting for products that are a balance between fewer calories AND not too toxic ingredients. I have been bad because I am focusing mainly on calories and not so much on content. I am allowing myself baguette at home for example, which is something I now leave as a treat for outside the home like ice cream and chips. BUt all is not lost. I am making sure to get enough protein and veggies as best I can, even when I eat out which is near impossible, and I haven't gained any weight.

Actually, as usual, I should have known that my TOM (time of month) was coming when my weight dropped to 152. I always hit my lowest weight before the scale creeps up with bloating. It's not so bad anymore though. Since I have started drinking so much water, I bloat for about 2 lbs as opposed to 4-5. My weight has been mostly between 153.8 and 154.6, but it was slowly going downward. I hope this back thing doesn't set me back too much. I have to be careful now...

I realized that I am only 12 lbs away from my goal now. eeee. While I haven't been as committed as before, a lot of my healthy habits are now ingrained in me and have become routine. I realized I wont need to go to the gym this fall because I will have enough activities outside of the gym. This makes me happy because when the sun starts rising later and setting earlier, I lose all motivation to go. I am usually pumped by January, so maybe I will start back up then. I am assuming I'll have moved by then and will have signed up for some gym.

Alright, I am off to work. Let's hope my back will hold up!

good and bad news

First things first, I weighed in at 152.8 today, yay!

Bad news: Threw my back out playing indoor court volleyball for the first time in about 15 years. It was actually my canoeing injury amplified. I am now at home, trying to keep my back in a neutral position, so excuse the brief post but I can't easily type.

Just a quick note to say we are in a competitive leage for court vball, as opposed to recreational, and it's a lot of fun. Totally different style of play, but fun. Thank god beach doesn't start again til next week though... need to give my back a break.

Have a good one!

Testing, testing

Well, I FINALLY made it to the gym for once. Thank god a few people have cancelled plans (normally I get angry at flaky people). I was actually giggly when I found out my plans for after work drinks and my Sunday plans were cancelled, so I have some time to breathe...sort of.

I decided to do grocery shopping...not for me of course, but for one of two birthday parties I must attend tomorrow, in two completely different and hard-to-access parts of town, without a car. For one of them, it is a potluck-a concept I have come to loathe-so I am bringing a bunch of ($$$) cheeses, fruit and crackers, because I never EVER have the energy, time nor interest to prepare a meal that a bunch of people will eat (I do not enjoy cooking for others, contrary to most people, there's simply too much pressure for me).

I then got to test out my new workout clothes, but since I ate a few squares of peppermint dark chocolate and a kiwi right before (to tide me over to my unhabitually late sushi plans for later) I felt like puking on the treadmill. I did a total of 15 minutes, with about 4 of those running. I then went on the bike for 6 minutes before doing some pushups,crunches, dips and squats. Now Im back and ready to eat.

I can vouch for Lululemon (again $$$) workout gear. It is worth every penny.

slumpish

Heya!

Long time no write. I have barely had time to shower over the last few days, or talk to my family, or see some of my close friends... I think I am a little out of control with constant plans with different people. I think next week I will spend some time by myself and tell people NO for once :) We'll see how that pans out.

My canoe trip was a disaster/amazing fun time! The weather was horrible for most of the trip, so canoeing was an insane physical and mental challenge. Then, instead of doing any portage, we stayed at our site the whole time to avoid breaking our arms in the same brutal conditions. The return home was the most frustrating because the water conditions were perfect, which made it painfully (in the most literal sense) noticeable that the guy on the canoe with me had no clue and I ended up hurting my back doing all the work.

The great parts were the people, who were all very nice and all the girls had crazy laughing outbursts all the time. We really got along well. The guys were also a lot of fun. One of the nights we had fire-cooked duck, potatoes and the guys had to go pick wild mushrooms too. We had about 500 lbs of food to haul up into a tree to hide it from bears, I guess that's what you get for travelling with French people ha! Great times, great food (for camping) and loads of bread :) I didn't gain a pound though even though I stuffed my face all weekend, mainly because of the canoe work.

Algonquin Park is beautiful, and we saw no people almost the entire time. I woke up earlier than everyone, so I'd enjoy my nice, quiet, warm mornings alone, and somehow, for the first time ever, I slept like a baby despite the humid cold.

Now back to the city, I've been having a rough couple weeks at work and am just trying to get through each day. I've spent most of this week hanging out with beach volleyball people and drinking more than usual. It's not out of hand or anything, but after this weekend I need to calm down a bit and get back to working out. Because of the insane social life of the past couple weeks, I haven't hauled ass to the gym more than once. I am still watching what I eat carefully and taking walks at lunch. I am now debating whether to add one more day of volleyball per week... tempting.

I am starting indoor court vball Monday, so I may also do indoor beach on Wednesdays. I will decide today.

I just bought expensive Lululemon workout clothes, but it was finally worth it. I needed tight-fitting capris for indoor vball (to go under knee pads), since I don't ever wear shorts. I also needed some tops made for working out, since I look like a sweaty greaseball when I workout in my cotton tees (I sweat more than most girls). It was a fully worthwhile investment, and I bought my pants one size smaller than usual in anticipation of further weight loss. (I squeezed into a 6 comfortably, but the 8s are technically the right size.) They are super cool and maybe I'll post a photo in my new gear soon...

Alright, I have to go to work. Oh, I forgot to mention I have no food at home so I've been careful about what I am eating 'out', but not nearly enough veggies and I'm definitely not eating enough food, but it's keeping me at 154 without working out and I am focusing on getting enough fruit, greens, protein and not excessive bread/wraps. So far so good.

Have a great day!

Debbie Downer

(sorry to Erika of FATLIKEME, I thought of this blog title and then read your latest entry and realized you called yourself this too, today ha!)

So I don't want to jinx anything, but the setbacks have already begun. Now, for reasons not my own, we wont be leaving the city until 5 p.m., right smack in the middle of long-weekend rush hour(s)... great! I had planned to leave work early and now have to stay and work my regular shift, though all I've wanted all week is to NOT be at work at all.

I am still pumped about canoeing, but worry that being this excited can only lead to disappointment when we get there excessively late and may even cancel tomorrow if thunderstorms persist.

In other news, the past two days I have been voraciously hungry, with bad food cravings and eating everything that passes me by. Luckily I am "good" enough to not overdo it, but I am more concerned about why this is happening. I have a feeling it's that eating less fulfilling foods (pasta instead of meat n' veg for example) is leaving me hungry after a few hours, whereas the "purer" meals leave me satisfied longer. I've heard of this phenomenon before, but have never experienced it before now so clearly, at least I think that's what it is.

I am still between 152-154, which is good considering I have only played volleyball this week and haven't been to the gym since Sunday, aside from 2-3 times I went down and came back up because people were on the machines I use. I also haven't been walking at lunch, except today. I was extremely lazy, tired, unmotivated and irregularly hungry this week, as well as exceedingly busy, so that does not make for a week of consistent exercise. I will try harder next week. I only have 3 more months to lose the weight I want to lose!!! Eeeeeeee!

I hope you all enjoy your long weekends. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't get rained out pleeeeeease!

countdown to canoeing

I am puuuuuuumped.

First of all, this crap week I've been having is almost over, to be finished off with a portage trip. Secondly, I weighed in at 152.8 this morning.

I didn't workout on Monday or Tuesday. Monday's excuse was laziness and fatigue (I took a half day off work sick because I was sooooo exhausted from Sunday--I hadn't slept all night after almost 4 hours of beach volleyball followed by drinking). Tuesday I actually went to the gym twice, only to find both cardio machines taken. I could have done elliptical, but I really hate the one we have here. I could have done weight training, but honestly I just didn't feel like it at all. Yesterday I played a few sets of beach volleyball, then-because our competitors didn't show up for the second round-we kicked a volleyball like a soccer ball for a bit. I had drinks with volleyball people afterwards, then took a long walk downtown and back for fresh air.

Food-wise, I have been buying food on the fly all week. Yesterday's lunch was a salad wrap and dinner was angus beef sliders (without the bun) and a big bowl of brocoli and cauliflower. I don't want to buy food since I am leaving tomorrow, but I feel I am missing veggies. So I am trying to make sure I buy lunches that incorporate some actual veggies (not like a sub that has a slice of watery tomato and lettuce with no nutritional value left in it, but actual, hearty chunks of preferrably not cooked veg).

Okay, I do have time to write more, but I will stop here to relax a bit before work. For some reason I'm way ahead of my usual morning routine.

Have a great week.

what to do...

Hey anyone who's listening... I'm still here.

I haven't written for a few days because I've been running from place to place to place, visiting friends, family, and meeting new people.

Just to get this over with, I am still between 154-155 and having trouble getting the scale to stick to 153. I was so close, but my workouts and eating have been all over the place. I have been eating very lightly, but I feel like I am not eating enough and then "binging" later in the day. It's not bad binging, just obviously there's a tendency to eat loads of carb and fat rich foods as opposed to veggies and protein. I am not worrying too much about my weight. I still want to lose about 15 lbs more, but I am giving myself this week to not be so strict.

I spent last weekend playing volleyball a lot, meeting new people there, visiting a friend's new baby, seeing my family, attending a housewarming... This week I have drinks every night until Thursday, when I have to pack for my canoe trip. I am playing volleyball again tomorrow, and the last games are next week I believe. In less than two weeks I begin playing court volleyball indoors on Monday nights. I am giving it a try to see if I like it less/more/equally than beach, and will decide what to stick with in Winter.

My personal situation is as chaotic as ever, but as always, I am keeping myself out of the sludge by socializing. All my weekends are already planned for September, then perhaps (luck willing) I will be able to move in October. If not, I will become an alcoholic drug addict most probably.

For now I continue on my path of wellness by eating loads of veggies and fruit most of the time, and still being very physically active. I have relaxed my personal drinking policy for this week to enjoy the last heat wave of summer on terrasses with drinks. If it weren't for these stupid problems at home, life would be better than perfect right now, because everything else is just dandy. So Im thankful to have such good times right now.

Alright, peace out.

A whole heckuva lot

My mind is full. My life is full. I don't know what to do with myself. This isn't a complaint, at allllll! It is simply an observation.

I am sitting here waiting to go meet some friends for sushi then shisha. These are my favourite plans to have. I am busy allllll the time with social things (which is fantastic in general, and especially considering my emotional state), but these nights are the most laid back and therefore a time for me to relax.

Last night, when my plans with a friend were cancelled, I realized I hadn't been alone in a very long time. It was nice. This week I had volleyball people over for drinks, I visited my friend in the hospital since she just gave birth to the most precious baby girl (though I would have gone even if the baby were ugly, I would just love it less hahaha kiddinggggggg! I'd probably love her more!) I met up with another friend for coffee, I worked out, I cooked, and on and on...

Speaking of working out, I am on track weight-wise. I've been 153-154 all week, so I am aiming to work hard this coming week to get to 152. Now I am dying to be in the 140s. I think I haven't been that low since possibly elementary school if not my first year of high school. My body has completely changed, naturally, so I'm anxious to see what my fit woman's body is like. I guess that will depend on how much work I put in. Well for now I am doing all I can. My workouts are incredible these days, except for the awful shoulder pain I get when I run (I have pinpointed a variety of causes for this: work position, bag-carrying position, boob size versus now-too-big bra, etc.).

I am not sure if I posted my measurements post-challenge, but everything was down by at least a half inch, including my neck, which I thought couldn't get thinner. Logically speaking, I know I look my best right now (at least my best in the last 10 years), but today I am having an "I hate myself and feel fat, disgusting and ugly" day. One of those days I don't see how anyone will ever be attracted to me. I caught a picture of myself from volleyball, covered in sweat as usual, and I looked absolutely gross. When I'm there, I could care less than I'm so sweaty because I always sweat a lot, but in the picture I see how nasty it looks hahaha! I think I will treat myself to some workout tops for the fall and winter, so I quit making myself look like a greaseball. So that's probably the reason I feel gross today.

Also, I think I may have mentioned this before but a weird thing happened to me when I hit 153 a few weeks ago: I was actually a little grossed out by my thinner body. I was ecstatic at the scale, but looking in the mirror it was like I was outside of my own body. I have always been round, plump, chubby or whatever you want to call it. Now I have lines, clearly defined curves, but I also have flab since I am in the process of loosening up a lot of that fat and it's not very pretty. I am avoiding flaps by working out and losing weight slowly, but still, I think it will take a long time for me to "accept" myself as a thin person and get over the fact that I am flabby and pale for now.

Okay, enough self-loathing. I am actually pretty impressed with myself for getting this far. I would say I am fairly close to this being second nature. I can certainly not eat as much as I used to, with the exception of deliberate binges every month or so around PMS time :)

So I need to get going for my sushi dinner, and mentally prepare for more days filled with people and stuff and plans and things.

grey days

normally grey weather has me down. For some reason unknown to me I am feeling just nice and calm and a little sleepy, in a good way.

A friend had VIP tickets to the Rogers Cup semi-finals and invited me. I've never followed tennis, but I was looking forward to it. Instead, we sat in a VIP lounge drinking espressos and chatting as we kept waiting for the next update about the rain delays every 30 minutes. Oddly, I found this fun. The only time we got to see the players was when they were warming up, and to please the angry mob, they kicked a micro soccer ball back and forth over the net and also played tennis doing all kinds of goofy tricks. It was amusing while it lasted, and then we were back in the tent.

So even though this weekend could be considered a bust, I think I needed to do nothing. I have been at home since early this afternoon and have worked out, showered, cleaned, eaten and am vegging and watching television now. I have been in silence since my roommate went out, and have even muted the TV for a bit to write this calmly.

I am on track with my weight loss. After the challenge ended about two weeks ago my lowest weight was 153. If my math is right, I should be back down to 154 tomorrow morning (I went up to 159 on my week off eating well and working out). If I can under 150 without doing the challenge again soon, I will be a happy girl. I am aiming to do the challenge once more in late September or possibly after Thanksgiving in October to lose what will likely be the most difficult weight to lose, the final 10 lbs. I am aiming to get to 140 or less. Less would only be better because that gives me room for winter/Thanksgiving/Christmas weight, before I get back into things in January. Unlike many people, I am highly motivated in winter, and am not one of those who gives up after a few weeks of working out as a New Year's resolution. I DO give up for many other reasons throughout the year (not this year though :), but winter is my peak time in terms of willingness to workout.

My long term plan is 15 or more lbs gone by December, then after Christmas I will try to take a vacation somewhere in a bikini to get a nice tan and relax after some of the most hellish years of my young life. Then, my task for 2011, to cement all the work that I have done, is to work on toning. However, if it gets to a point where I am ever drinking protein shakes and literally weighing my food, please put me out of my misery, because to me that is not living. I'm a bit of a perfectionist in some ways, but I also want to be able to enjoy a nice soft layer of feminine fat on my body and the beauty that comes from being a happy, well-fed person.

Alright, I'm off to relax some more. I just hope this weather clears up by Wednesday for volleyball. Oh, did I mention I will be trying out regular court volleyball for the Fall? It's cheaper, and it will be something different. I'm pretty excited since I'll be playing with some people I met at beach.

Anyway, back to my glass of red wine and Criminal Minds :)