Le bootcamp.

Well I survived :) Actually, it really was not that tough. It WAS proper bootcamp style with lots of push ups, abs, running and squats, but the group was a fun mix of not-so-fit people. I was scared that my trainer's clientele would be insane workout buffs, but instead there were two gay boys, one overweight and the other rake-like, one older man in pretty decent shape and two girls, one who looks good but is out of shape and the other who is quite fit (although she was on one of my favourite local TV shows so she kind of has to be in decent shape too) haha!

At the end, they told me I "was the best one, it was nice to watch". I find that hilarious because no one has ever said I am nice to watch, because when I run I am a little chubby, muscly thing... not some long, graceful runner. And I also make noises when I am struggling through my workout, including light moaning and grunting hahah. Anyway, there were only 6-7 of us this week, but there will be more later on, for now it was just hard enough to be a worthwhile exercise, but not so hard that I puked up my dinner (which I ate at my favourite cafe in the area right before). I also walked to work, walked at lunch, walked to and from the parc for the bootcamp and then walked home from my friend's, for a total of about 2 to 2.5 hours of walking.

In less exciting news, I still weighed in at 152.6 today. Last night I weighed myself (I sometimes do this because I can approximate how much I will weigh in the morning and avoid potential shock, and by the way, this obsessive behaviour WILL stop once I have achieved the goal weight, I know it's too much). I was 153.8. Now, by my usual patterns, that would mean I'd weigh in anywhere between 150.5 and 152, but I was so sure I would get to see 151 for the first time... I blame it on drinking half a bottle of wine last night late. I think I have actually lost the weight, but the late night aspect is what threw things off. There's no way I walked for 2 hours and did a 1-hour bootcamp and ate normally and did not lose a pound.

This is important because I'd like to hit the 150 milestone by October 1, but with my back being out last week and Monday volleyball cancelled for two weeks, this has thrown off my game. Once I hit 150, I will maintain that until Thanksgiving, after which I will begin my Game On! challenge again, this time just with myself. That should help me lose another 7-10 lbs and then the last boost will be leading up to Christmas. This is going to take dedication, which is something I don't have much of these day, because my social life is a major barrier to weight loss (mainly because I see my friends at times when I could workout).

Anyway, all that ranting about a few pounds and I feel ridiculous, but hey, that's what I started all this for...

Summumma beach!

So the Fall beach vball season kicked off last night with a confused, muffled bang.

Up until yesterday, when I logged on the site, I was part of a team called the Goof Balls (I sign up as an individual and they place me on a team). The Goof Balls were supposed to start at 9:20 pm. So I come home from work, thinking I really need to pace myself otherwise I'll go crazy waiting to play. So around 6:15 I started making dinner.

At 6:25 I re-checked the schedule just to be sure, and alas! they switched me to a team comprising all individual registrants, and we would be playing at 6:40!!$$$#!@% So I took my potatoes and eggplant out of the oven, put away my fish and asparagus, and ran out to the courts.

When I got there, my Summer team and my current indoor court team were there, as they formed one team. I was not part of it because I wasn't planning on signing up for beach in the fall until recently. So I met my team. They are very nice people, but not very good at vball. Since it's recreational, I don't get too worried about how people play (it's not like I'm some great player or anything), but I started to get extremely annoyed at one point because being bad = NO MOVEMENT. I do volleyball as exercise, and whenever you play against or with a bad team, you hardly move at all. This takes away all the fun for me. So I was trying to keep a smile on my face, after all, it's only recreational, but I have asked to be switched to a more competitive team. I need a bit more of a challenge in order to improve.

If they don't let me switch, they are offering spots on Thursday's competitive mixed league at half price...so I may end up playing vball 3 nights a week. Once indoor court, twice beach. I am anxious to see what they (they being the league organizers / court owners) say...

I am on track at 152. I was really hoping I would be able to visually see 151 today, but due to the vball confusion, I cooked my dinner when I got home at 8:45 pm, then decided to save it for lunch today at work and instead eat cereal with yogurt and raspberries and coconut and maple syrup mmmmm. Same thing for breakfast today by the way. I also had (last night) one piece of raisin toast with some olive oil margarine. Naturally, since I ate later than usual, my weight isn't as low as it usually is. Also, the minute I stop eating my daily kiwi, the ol' digestive system slows down a little. It's not that I have problems per se, it's just less consistent.

Anyway, I am pretty pleased with myself for 1) restraining from re-injuring my back; and 2)continuing to workout when I am not motivated... I know, the two sort of contradict but hey, that's me.

Tonight I have an outdoor bootcamp class with my ex personal trainer, in a beautiful park after work. He is very nice as a trainer, but I am scared of any class called bootcamp. However, he has been warned about my back and should go easy on me and the beginners.

Take care!

A step in the right direction

Well, my back feels almost healed, so I am very glad about that. I am also glad I forced myself to go to the gym yesterday. I have gotten out of the gym-going routine since I started doing so many other physical activities, but it's always a good backup plan.

I managed to do 20 minutes of 1-minute intervals at a faster pace than usual, and 10 minutes of brisk uphill walking. I followed with 30 pushups, interspersed with about 60 cross-fit crunches, the plank, 30 lunges with weights, 30 squats and stretching. My body is feeling so much better today. I had been having all kinds of weird pains all week and now most of them are gone.

So I weighed in at 152.6 again!!! YAY! This put me in a great mood too. I need to keep up my careful eating and exercise this week to get to 150 by month end (I hope). I have not bought groceries still, but the ex and I alternate between buying small batches of stuff. So this week I have been eating Greek yogurt/raspberries/cereal and maple syrup for breakfast (with kiwi of course), sliced veggies and a fruit as a snack, and I have been buying healthy-ish wraps and any meal that has a lot of veggies in it as well as protein. Dinners have been a mishmash. Last night I made a piece of trout with some potatoes and asparagus, and cut the meal in half to keep the other part for today's lunch.

It is extremely difficult to eat out and get enough good protein and vegetables. It is all too easy to get bad carbs and fat and sugar though. I have cut out my recently acquired daily habit of a double long espresso with raw sugar to start the day, and have gone back to my old ways of green tea. I love the espressos, but I can't have them without sugar, and green tea I can, so it ends up a healthier option.

Trying to cut back on sugar (especially the prevalent cornstarch and high fructose syrup, for example) is a surefire way to lose weight. I already only use raw sugar at home, and maple syrup/honey are my sweeteners of choice most of the time, but I am trying to cut back a little on foods with those sugar products in them as well. I wont cut it out completely, but you end up getting used to giving your body the sugars in fruit and veggies instead. However, since I started my weight-loss journey, I have developed quite the sweet tooth, which makes this a little harder.

I figure it's because I cut out a lot of my favourite rich sweets (cheesecake, ice cream, etc) which are not soooo sweet and instead full of fat. Now, having cut out the most caloric desserts, I am left with some of the lighter, albeit sweeter ones. I started the whole espresso thing in part to serve as a dessert treat :)

Okay, I am rambling about too many things today I think. My mind is all scattered and I am hyper. All that matters is that I feel like I am back in action and eating well, and I am still on track to becoming healthier and fitter. Great!

I hope you all have the strength today to continue with your hard work. Stay committed and it will all pay off...

Blessings in disguise

I have calmed down a lot since Friday :) It was a very, very rough day for me (read crash and burn), but two days with a good friend at her cottage tucked away in a beautiful forest in front of a tranquil lake with no one around was precisely what I needed. I spent most of my time playing with the new kitten, who is so adorable. I don't normally like cats, but this one is a bit like a puppy.

I was debating at length with myself about whether or not to take the chance of playing volleyball tonight. I did not exercise last week at all aside from walking, compromising my weight loss progress. I needed to give my back time to heal. I had thought about skipping vball since my back isn't totally better, but I probably would end up going anyway. Alas! I received an email this morning announcing that volleyball is cancelled for this week. While this saddens me, the child in me feels better not playing knowing that no one else will be playing either. I will start with beach volleyball on Wednesday and see how that goes, then I am supposed to try my ex-personal trainer's first outdoor bootcamp class. He says he will adjust it for beginner/advanced, so if my back's giving me trouble I'll tell him to go easy on me.

I met up with some friends last night upon returning from the cottage, and we had a blast. We had "le fou rire" the entire time because of all the absurdities we would bring up in between "real" conversation. What a saviour it is to have fun, good friends. Meeting people who share the same values as me and find joy in the simple things has been refreshing to no end. I am starting to feel fulfilled with my life.

Alright, enough la-dee-daaa, off to work I go I go.

Gripes

Feeling down, don't want to live today.

Don't worry, I feel this way often over the past year and I will not act on it, but I am not being dramatic either. This is me in 2010, dealing with my life and all that's happened. Mostly hyper and happy, with un underlying, repressed side of depression and suicidal thoughts. I do everything I can to stay sane, but every now and then my reality springs back to the fore. Then it's merely an exercise of putting things in perspective to realize that no matter what is lingering beneath the surface, my life just really ain't that bad.

So since I am in a shitty mood, I am going to whine for 5 minutes then I'll be done with it, focus on my work and get through to the end of the day so I can go to my friend's cottage and rest.

1. Weigh in was disappointing today. I was at 153 yesterday and this morning almost 155, and that was a little unexpected. I am not working out since I injured my back and the pain keeps coming back late in the day, so I figure I need to not extend my left arm at all if possible for the next few days, then try to massage and stretch it daily after that. I think not exercising (though I have been taking walks) is getting me down too.

2. I went to try on boots. I thought that after losing 30 lbs and inches off my legs I would be able to finally fit in some boots, but alas, my calves are still abnormally large for my shoe size apparently. Not one pair of boots under $200 fits me. I simply will not pay over $200 for a pair of shoes because I inevitably wear them all the time and ruin them within a year. I actually found a great pair of Canadian-made rubber boots for $50!!! And yes, the deliberately oversized leg hole was still too small for these sausages. I HATE MY CALVES! Only because I cannot ever fit into any pair of boots ever!!!!

3. I love having my lunches alone, to myself, but today was just depressing. I had some yummy sushi in some other food court where I wont see anyone I know, but I am in a 'hating people' mood, so I guess I probably should have tried to make a lunch and take a walk after like I usually do.

4. work sucks. I suck at it these days. I don't have the energy to focus or try harder and this really bugs me. It is being noticed and that is not a good thing.

Okay, whining over. back to work and I will do my best to try to smack on a smile and get through to bedtime :)

Still fat?

Okay, I don’t care what anyone thinks, I have to talk about this, as ridiculous as some of you may find it, because it is on my mind and frankly, well, this is MY blog anyway.

Here I am, one day further along in the process of weight loss. I have successfully lost over 30 lbs now, and have surpassed all my objectives so far. As I have lost the weight, my perspective has shifted and my goals changed, while I am fighting hard to not become someone who cannot ever be satisfied. For now though, I know I am still not in my “healthy” weight range, and not to my liking physically. I am an athletic person and I would like my body to be in top shape so I stop getting injured so often and my outside reflects all the healthy things I feed my insides J
Here’s the problem though. I have lost 30 lbs, which is a lot. And I now weigh only 152 lbs, which is not fat. BUT, one day I feel amazing about my body and really see a difference (mainly in clothing sizes, not in the mirror), and then lately, the opposite is true. I am at my lowest weight and now, more than ever, I am not seeing any difference and am feeling very fat. I can even grab overflowing handfuls of fat rolls when I am sitting. I am not talking about the layer of skin most skinny girls point out as a “roll” they’d like to get rid of, but substantial, meaty, inches-thick fat. And I have a flat stomach when standing, aside from a relatively small gut. My thighs still look gigantic to me as well.

Now I try to not be discouraged by these things, and be realistic as well: I know my body has been shrinking proportionately, and therefore, will look the same naked as it did before (with the exception of my stomach, which is now flat like before I got too overweight, and my face, which now has a visible bone structure). I try to remind myself that this is primarily about my health and not so much vanity, and that every thin person also has weird body parts they have to get used to.

I think what’s happening is that I used to have thicker, more solid fat that was harder to grab, tighter. Now, the fat is loosening, which is mostly a good thing if I continue to eat well and exercise, but looks very unappealing. I am pasty white which doesn’t help either J I just don’t understand why I really, honestly and truly see myself almost exactly the same way I saw myself at 186 lbs. In any case, I am keeping my next goal at 140 lbs by year’s end. I think that is just over what I am ‘supposed’ to weigh, but a comfortable weight for me to maintain. After that, 2011 will be focused on toning and trying to get rid of the flabby look.

Back in action

My back is a little better today :) I am able to stand up straight and sit up while breathing, which is a good sign. I had no other physical activities planned for this week, and would normally hit the gym chez moi, but I will take at least a couple days to rest since next week I have court and beach vball two days apart. I want to be able to play and avoid further damage.

I also finally cleaned my apartment, though the person living with me (the ex) has not done his half yet and it's driving me coocoo.

And lastly, I FI-NA-LLY! went to buy a few groceries. I was torn between buying a huge batch of stuff and having it delivered, or taking a bag with me and just filling that up. Since my back was in pain I had to be very choosy about what was essential. I managed to get everything into one bag and have enough food for at least a couple of days (healthy food takes a lot of space because it's mostly veggies and fruit). I just ate a bowl of Kashi high fibre cereal with some shredded coconut, pecans and maple syrup mmmmmm. I also prefaced that with my usual two glasses of warm water and a skin-on kiwi.

Yesterday I just made one big salad with tomato, cucumber, yellow pepper, mixed greens, goat cheese, pecans and turkey with my regular homemade dressing. We just got a huge batch of garlic from Quebec which is phenomenal. I strongly recommend eating local garlic if you have it. I always found that, while it tastes alright, the garlic we get from China smells like dog food. Quebec garlic is powerful and spicy, and has been life changing hahah! I also (bad me) had a few slices of baguette with olive oil and balsamic too.

I have to say that I've been very good and very bad lately. I have been very good in that I make sure to be conscious of what I am eating at all times, even when looking around for something "junky" to eat. I usually end up opting for products that are a balance between fewer calories AND not too toxic ingredients. I have been bad because I am focusing mainly on calories and not so much on content. I am allowing myself baguette at home for example, which is something I now leave as a treat for outside the home like ice cream and chips. BUt all is not lost. I am making sure to get enough protein and veggies as best I can, even when I eat out which is near impossible, and I haven't gained any weight.

Actually, as usual, I should have known that my TOM (time of month) was coming when my weight dropped to 152. I always hit my lowest weight before the scale creeps up with bloating. It's not so bad anymore though. Since I have started drinking so much water, I bloat for about 2 lbs as opposed to 4-5. My weight has been mostly between 153.8 and 154.6, but it was slowly going downward. I hope this back thing doesn't set me back too much. I have to be careful now...

I realized that I am only 12 lbs away from my goal now. eeee. While I haven't been as committed as before, a lot of my healthy habits are now ingrained in me and have become routine. I realized I wont need to go to the gym this fall because I will have enough activities outside of the gym. This makes me happy because when the sun starts rising later and setting earlier, I lose all motivation to go. I am usually pumped by January, so maybe I will start back up then. I am assuming I'll have moved by then and will have signed up for some gym.

Alright, I am off to work. Let's hope my back will hold up!

good and bad news

First things first, I weighed in at 152.8 today, yay!

Bad news: Threw my back out playing indoor court volleyball for the first time in about 15 years. It was actually my canoeing injury amplified. I am now at home, trying to keep my back in a neutral position, so excuse the brief post but I can't easily type.

Just a quick note to say we are in a competitive leage for court vball, as opposed to recreational, and it's a lot of fun. Totally different style of play, but fun. Thank god beach doesn't start again til next week though... need to give my back a break.

Have a good one!

Testing, testing

Well, I FINALLY made it to the gym for once. Thank god a few people have cancelled plans (normally I get angry at flaky people). I was actually giggly when I found out my plans for after work drinks and my Sunday plans were cancelled, so I have some time to breathe...sort of.

I decided to do grocery shopping...not for me of course, but for one of two birthday parties I must attend tomorrow, in two completely different and hard-to-access parts of town, without a car. For one of them, it is a potluck-a concept I have come to loathe-so I am bringing a bunch of ($$$) cheeses, fruit and crackers, because I never EVER have the energy, time nor interest to prepare a meal that a bunch of people will eat (I do not enjoy cooking for others, contrary to most people, there's simply too much pressure for me).

I then got to test out my new workout clothes, but since I ate a few squares of peppermint dark chocolate and a kiwi right before (to tide me over to my unhabitually late sushi plans for later) I felt like puking on the treadmill. I did a total of 15 minutes, with about 4 of those running. I then went on the bike for 6 minutes before doing some pushups,crunches, dips and squats. Now Im back and ready to eat.

I can vouch for Lululemon (again $$$) workout gear. It is worth every penny.

slumpish

Heya!

Long time no write. I have barely had time to shower over the last few days, or talk to my family, or see some of my close friends... I think I am a little out of control with constant plans with different people. I think next week I will spend some time by myself and tell people NO for once :) We'll see how that pans out.

My canoe trip was a disaster/amazing fun time! The weather was horrible for most of the trip, so canoeing was an insane physical and mental challenge. Then, instead of doing any portage, we stayed at our site the whole time to avoid breaking our arms in the same brutal conditions. The return home was the most frustrating because the water conditions were perfect, which made it painfully (in the most literal sense) noticeable that the guy on the canoe with me had no clue and I ended up hurting my back doing all the work.

The great parts were the people, who were all very nice and all the girls had crazy laughing outbursts all the time. We really got along well. The guys were also a lot of fun. One of the nights we had fire-cooked duck, potatoes and the guys had to go pick wild mushrooms too. We had about 500 lbs of food to haul up into a tree to hide it from bears, I guess that's what you get for travelling with French people ha! Great times, great food (for camping) and loads of bread :) I didn't gain a pound though even though I stuffed my face all weekend, mainly because of the canoe work.

Algonquin Park is beautiful, and we saw no people almost the entire time. I woke up earlier than everyone, so I'd enjoy my nice, quiet, warm mornings alone, and somehow, for the first time ever, I slept like a baby despite the humid cold.

Now back to the city, I've been having a rough couple weeks at work and am just trying to get through each day. I've spent most of this week hanging out with beach volleyball people and drinking more than usual. It's not out of hand or anything, but after this weekend I need to calm down a bit and get back to working out. Because of the insane social life of the past couple weeks, I haven't hauled ass to the gym more than once. I am still watching what I eat carefully and taking walks at lunch. I am now debating whether to add one more day of volleyball per week... tempting.

I am starting indoor court vball Monday, so I may also do indoor beach on Wednesdays. I will decide today.

I just bought expensive Lululemon workout clothes, but it was finally worth it. I needed tight-fitting capris for indoor vball (to go under knee pads), since I don't ever wear shorts. I also needed some tops made for working out, since I look like a sweaty greaseball when I workout in my cotton tees (I sweat more than most girls). It was a fully worthwhile investment, and I bought my pants one size smaller than usual in anticipation of further weight loss. (I squeezed into a 6 comfortably, but the 8s are technically the right size.) They are super cool and maybe I'll post a photo in my new gear soon...

Alright, I have to go to work. Oh, I forgot to mention I have no food at home so I've been careful about what I am eating 'out', but not nearly enough veggies and I'm definitely not eating enough food, but it's keeping me at 154 without working out and I am focusing on getting enough fruit, greens, protein and not excessive bread/wraps. So far so good.

Have a great day!

Debbie Downer

(sorry to Erika of FATLIKEME, I thought of this blog title and then read your latest entry and realized you called yourself this too, today ha!)

So I don't want to jinx anything, but the setbacks have already begun. Now, for reasons not my own, we wont be leaving the city until 5 p.m., right smack in the middle of long-weekend rush hour(s)... great! I had planned to leave work early and now have to stay and work my regular shift, though all I've wanted all week is to NOT be at work at all.

I am still pumped about canoeing, but worry that being this excited can only lead to disappointment when we get there excessively late and may even cancel tomorrow if thunderstorms persist.

In other news, the past two days I have been voraciously hungry, with bad food cravings and eating everything that passes me by. Luckily I am "good" enough to not overdo it, but I am more concerned about why this is happening. I have a feeling it's that eating less fulfilling foods (pasta instead of meat n' veg for example) is leaving me hungry after a few hours, whereas the "purer" meals leave me satisfied longer. I've heard of this phenomenon before, but have never experienced it before now so clearly, at least I think that's what it is.

I am still between 152-154, which is good considering I have only played volleyball this week and haven't been to the gym since Sunday, aside from 2-3 times I went down and came back up because people were on the machines I use. I also haven't been walking at lunch, except today. I was extremely lazy, tired, unmotivated and irregularly hungry this week, as well as exceedingly busy, so that does not make for a week of consistent exercise. I will try harder next week. I only have 3 more months to lose the weight I want to lose!!! Eeeeeeee!

I hope you all enjoy your long weekends. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't get rained out pleeeeeease!

countdown to canoeing

I am puuuuuuumped.

First of all, this crap week I've been having is almost over, to be finished off with a portage trip. Secondly, I weighed in at 152.8 this morning.

I didn't workout on Monday or Tuesday. Monday's excuse was laziness and fatigue (I took a half day off work sick because I was sooooo exhausted from Sunday--I hadn't slept all night after almost 4 hours of beach volleyball followed by drinking). Tuesday I actually went to the gym twice, only to find both cardio machines taken. I could have done elliptical, but I really hate the one we have here. I could have done weight training, but honestly I just didn't feel like it at all. Yesterday I played a few sets of beach volleyball, then-because our competitors didn't show up for the second round-we kicked a volleyball like a soccer ball for a bit. I had drinks with volleyball people afterwards, then took a long walk downtown and back for fresh air.

Food-wise, I have been buying food on the fly all week. Yesterday's lunch was a salad wrap and dinner was angus beef sliders (without the bun) and a big bowl of brocoli and cauliflower. I don't want to buy food since I am leaving tomorrow, but I feel I am missing veggies. So I am trying to make sure I buy lunches that incorporate some actual veggies (not like a sub that has a slice of watery tomato and lettuce with no nutritional value left in it, but actual, hearty chunks of preferrably not cooked veg).

Okay, I do have time to write more, but I will stop here to relax a bit before work. For some reason I'm way ahead of my usual morning routine.

Have a great week.

what to do...

Hey anyone who's listening... I'm still here.

I haven't written for a few days because I've been running from place to place to place, visiting friends, family, and meeting new people.

Just to get this over with, I am still between 154-155 and having trouble getting the scale to stick to 153. I was so close, but my workouts and eating have been all over the place. I have been eating very lightly, but I feel like I am not eating enough and then "binging" later in the day. It's not bad binging, just obviously there's a tendency to eat loads of carb and fat rich foods as opposed to veggies and protein. I am not worrying too much about my weight. I still want to lose about 15 lbs more, but I am giving myself this week to not be so strict.

I spent last weekend playing volleyball a lot, meeting new people there, visiting a friend's new baby, seeing my family, attending a housewarming... This week I have drinks every night until Thursday, when I have to pack for my canoe trip. I am playing volleyball again tomorrow, and the last games are next week I believe. In less than two weeks I begin playing court volleyball indoors on Monday nights. I am giving it a try to see if I like it less/more/equally than beach, and will decide what to stick with in Winter.

My personal situation is as chaotic as ever, but as always, I am keeping myself out of the sludge by socializing. All my weekends are already planned for September, then perhaps (luck willing) I will be able to move in October. If not, I will become an alcoholic drug addict most probably.

For now I continue on my path of wellness by eating loads of veggies and fruit most of the time, and still being very physically active. I have relaxed my personal drinking policy for this week to enjoy the last heat wave of summer on terrasses with drinks. If it weren't for these stupid problems at home, life would be better than perfect right now, because everything else is just dandy. So Im thankful to have such good times right now.

Alright, peace out.

A whole heckuva lot

My mind is full. My life is full. I don't know what to do with myself. This isn't a complaint, at allllll! It is simply an observation.

I am sitting here waiting to go meet some friends for sushi then shisha. These are my favourite plans to have. I am busy allllll the time with social things (which is fantastic in general, and especially considering my emotional state), but these nights are the most laid back and therefore a time for me to relax.

Last night, when my plans with a friend were cancelled, I realized I hadn't been alone in a very long time. It was nice. This week I had volleyball people over for drinks, I visited my friend in the hospital since she just gave birth to the most precious baby girl (though I would have gone even if the baby were ugly, I would just love it less hahaha kiddinggggggg! I'd probably love her more!) I met up with another friend for coffee, I worked out, I cooked, and on and on...

Speaking of working out, I am on track weight-wise. I've been 153-154 all week, so I am aiming to work hard this coming week to get to 152. Now I am dying to be in the 140s. I think I haven't been that low since possibly elementary school if not my first year of high school. My body has completely changed, naturally, so I'm anxious to see what my fit woman's body is like. I guess that will depend on how much work I put in. Well for now I am doing all I can. My workouts are incredible these days, except for the awful shoulder pain I get when I run (I have pinpointed a variety of causes for this: work position, bag-carrying position, boob size versus now-too-big bra, etc.).

I am not sure if I posted my measurements post-challenge, but everything was down by at least a half inch, including my neck, which I thought couldn't get thinner. Logically speaking, I know I look my best right now (at least my best in the last 10 years), but today I am having an "I hate myself and feel fat, disgusting and ugly" day. One of those days I don't see how anyone will ever be attracted to me. I caught a picture of myself from volleyball, covered in sweat as usual, and I looked absolutely gross. When I'm there, I could care less than I'm so sweaty because I always sweat a lot, but in the picture I see how nasty it looks hahaha! I think I will treat myself to some workout tops for the fall and winter, so I quit making myself look like a greaseball. So that's probably the reason I feel gross today.

Also, I think I may have mentioned this before but a weird thing happened to me when I hit 153 a few weeks ago: I was actually a little grossed out by my thinner body. I was ecstatic at the scale, but looking in the mirror it was like I was outside of my own body. I have always been round, plump, chubby or whatever you want to call it. Now I have lines, clearly defined curves, but I also have flab since I am in the process of loosening up a lot of that fat and it's not very pretty. I am avoiding flaps by working out and losing weight slowly, but still, I think it will take a long time for me to "accept" myself as a thin person and get over the fact that I am flabby and pale for now.

Okay, enough self-loathing. I am actually pretty impressed with myself for getting this far. I would say I am fairly close to this being second nature. I can certainly not eat as much as I used to, with the exception of deliberate binges every month or so around PMS time :)

So I need to get going for my sushi dinner, and mentally prepare for more days filled with people and stuff and plans and things.

grey days

normally grey weather has me down. For some reason unknown to me I am feeling just nice and calm and a little sleepy, in a good way.

A friend had VIP tickets to the Rogers Cup semi-finals and invited me. I've never followed tennis, but I was looking forward to it. Instead, we sat in a VIP lounge drinking espressos and chatting as we kept waiting for the next update about the rain delays every 30 minutes. Oddly, I found this fun. The only time we got to see the players was when they were warming up, and to please the angry mob, they kicked a micro soccer ball back and forth over the net and also played tennis doing all kinds of goofy tricks. It was amusing while it lasted, and then we were back in the tent.

So even though this weekend could be considered a bust, I think I needed to do nothing. I have been at home since early this afternoon and have worked out, showered, cleaned, eaten and am vegging and watching television now. I have been in silence since my roommate went out, and have even muted the TV for a bit to write this calmly.

I am on track with my weight loss. After the challenge ended about two weeks ago my lowest weight was 153. If my math is right, I should be back down to 154 tomorrow morning (I went up to 159 on my week off eating well and working out). If I can under 150 without doing the challenge again soon, I will be a happy girl. I am aiming to do the challenge once more in late September or possibly after Thanksgiving in October to lose what will likely be the most difficult weight to lose, the final 10 lbs. I am aiming to get to 140 or less. Less would only be better because that gives me room for winter/Thanksgiving/Christmas weight, before I get back into things in January. Unlike many people, I am highly motivated in winter, and am not one of those who gives up after a few weeks of working out as a New Year's resolution. I DO give up for many other reasons throughout the year (not this year though :), but winter is my peak time in terms of willingness to workout.

My long term plan is 15 or more lbs gone by December, then after Christmas I will try to take a vacation somewhere in a bikini to get a nice tan and relax after some of the most hellish years of my young life. Then, my task for 2011, to cement all the work that I have done, is to work on toning. However, if it gets to a point where I am ever drinking protein shakes and literally weighing my food, please put me out of my misery, because to me that is not living. I'm a bit of a perfectionist in some ways, but I also want to be able to enjoy a nice soft layer of feminine fat on my body and the beauty that comes from being a happy, well-fed person.

Alright, I'm off to relax some more. I just hope this weather clears up by Wednesday for volleyball. Oh, did I mention I will be trying out regular court volleyball for the Fall? It's cheaper, and it will be something different. I'm pretty excited since I'll be playing with some people I met at beach.

Anyway, back to my glass of red wine and Criminal Minds :)

mmmm smoooshhhhy

I am in bed, still partially asleep but not able to fall back asleep. I am absolutely loving vegging in bed in my quiet apartment with this grey weather outside.

I think I'll do this for a little while, then maybe grack a light snack and head to the gym. Then I will make myself a nice big brunch with eggs and cheese, asparagus and cooked tomatoes, maybe some yogurt and fruit or toast... mmmm.

Some people either don't have time for mornings like these or can't be bothered to slow down every once in a while to relax, and I am not one of them. I think after spending my teenage and university years being a workaholic (honestly, as ridiculous as that sounds), I have now managed to master the art of doing nothing (within reason) and enjoying it. I am able to tell myself to relax, and tell others NO finally. I can say no to overtime, no to side projects, no to going out for the sake of my overall sanity. It's a nice feeling.

Tonight I have been invited to attend the Rogers Cup womens' semi-finals in a VIP box... I don't understand tennis at all, but I am very excited to see it live and see what this box is all about. A couple girls are going so it should be nice.

For my upcoming canoe trip I just bought the ugliest pair of shoes. I even negotiated with the sales girl (I figured women understand the following complaint) saying that 'it kills me to pay this much (not a lot actually, $50) for such an ugly pair of shoes that I have to have for one trip, and asked her if she could give me a discount. It worked! She gave me 20% off! I am a customer who NEVER complains and never asks for what I want, but I was exhausted and a little sassy as a result, and it worked for me. Yay!

Alright, I'm going back to just lying here for a bit longer, then it's gym time I suppose :)

progress

I feel skinny today. yay! My favourite thing about getting thinner and feeling "tighter" is that clothes just hang in all the right places. It's no longer a constant effort to hide this and that. Yes, I still have parts that bulge or fold in not so appealing ways, but with time and a lot of effort that will change. I'm willing to do the work, I just need to be patient. Like Buddha. Except the not eating part.

I did not sleep a wink last night. I am angry about this. I like my sleep. I will come home from work this afternoon and crash, if that doesn't happen throughout the day. I went for coffee to see my friend who's just returned from Algeria, and to say farewell to a close friend who's leaving to do international development work in Iraq for a year. I am happy and sad all at once.

So yeah, I was careful enough this week to get back down to 155, so next week's mission is getting to 153 again and then beyond.

Have a nice day at work everyone!

heaven is...

a small amount of coconut yogurt with fresh blueberries, raspberries and pecans. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

working hard today, no rambling.

more rambling

I am bored again.

However, I have been invited on a canoe trip and I am suuuuper pumped about it. I will be with a bunch of French people, my Polish-Canadian friend and myself. Given the origins of my fellow campers, the food will be less hot dogs and burgers and more duck and raclette and fine cheeses, yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum! Plus, we wont even need to feel bad about the fatty foods because we'll be hauling canoes all over the place and canoeing all day. I might even get a tan, bonus!

Since I haven't been able to take any vacation in the last 1.5 years, and probably wont for another 6 months, this trip is the most exciting one yet. I absolutely adore canoeing/rafting, and almost never get to do it. The last time I canoed was 2 years ago, and the last time I rafted was in the white waters of Nepal 4 years ago. So this trip to Algonquin Park (which I have never seen) is looking to be a fun one.

I am also trying to plan a trip to Ottawa and to Collingwood at some point. These small trips will get me through more months of my agonizing living situation.

I am back down to 156 today, hoping to be down to 155 by tomorrow or Friday. My workouts have been short and intense, and as always after a few days off, I feel like I haven't worked out in months. I have volleyball tonight, so that should be fun and painless, then tomorrow I'll have to hit the gym again. Friday will likely remain my day off because with a whole week of working out in me, I NEVER feel like doing anything at all on Fridays. I usually feel recharged by Sunday and have great workouts then.

Alright, I'm going to heat up my lunch (two tiny Angus beef sliders on tiny buns with cheese and condiments, with a large tomato salad with fresh mozzarella cheese, oil, vinegar, pepper and my new fleur de sel) mmmmmmmmm... Then I am forcing my cousin, who works downtown just next to me, to go on my usual walk up a steep hill for 10 minutes then down again for another 15.

Have a nice afternoon!

I'm a little teacup, short and stout.

Oh the symbolism. First, my 200th post I officially dub the symbol of my escaping my close brush with 200 lbs. I know of fellow bloggers who would be happy to get to 200 lbs, and I wish them enough persistence to get there and beyond. But for me, 200 lbs at my height would have been a major blow, and I am convinced that if I had reached 200 lbs I would have kept going and going. I had enough health/bone issues at 183 to know that 200 would have been a mess for me considering all my other bad habits.

So this being my 201st post, I have symbolically overcome that fear. I have realistically put 30 lbs (since I wasn't yet AT 200 lbs exactly) between me and there, and I am no longer afraid of gaining a pound or two. I certainly want to lose more, but I am not in such a rush about it, but am still committed to it.

When I did the Game On! challenge I found most of it relatively easy because I had been training myself to eat well since January, but the rigidity of the diet was the push I needed to cement my habits and now that it's over I can really tell it worked. I make healthy choices without any resentment, fear, stress or compulsion, and I am more acutely and innately aware of the true value of certain foods.

Diet Coke, which was my biggest addiction left, was the hardest to cut. And now that I have had the chance to start drinking it again (and I was very excited to be able to indulge in it after the challenge was over), I have had it once or twice on it's own, and once in a mixed drink. Summer is the time when I have it most because I like alcoholic drinks with Diet Coke and I like it with BBQ meals, but this will calm down in fall.

Sugar is also a funny thing. In the diet I realized it's very hard to give up sugar at first, but it becomes second nature almost right away, EXCEPT I still felt the need to sweeten a lot of my food just a little with honey or maple syrup, which is mostly all I use anyway. I have begun cutting the sugar in my rare coffees, and try to use less sweetener. I have also continued to buy sugar-free bread just because it is actually really good. I didn't eat a lot of sweets in general, but now I am aware of the sugar in most foods and I make choices (today I put back a juice I was about to buy in favour of the apple I had brought to work as a snack).

I always tell myself that if I still desperately want whatever I am craving later, that I will allow myself to have it. The craving usually dies and then I feel fantastic about the choice. When the craving doesn't die, I try to limit myself by buying a very small quantity or giving the rest away or throwing it out, for the sake of my health. If I eat it all, I work it all off with exercise and proper eating the next day. For example, I've been craving McDonald's for months. I've managed to stave it off through education about the nutritional value, however, I have made a deal with myself to have it in September (a year from the last time I had it, I think).

Sorry for the rambling, but I am bored at work. So I will keep rambling until I have something to work on :) Perhaps I'll break it into a few posts though...

So for the teacup reference, this is a symbol of my celebrating my body type. First of all, I am very grateful for my body because it functions almost perfectly and I am very strong. I am also thankful because even though there are things I find unattractive about my body, I know that it is not bad and in fact looks pretty good for someone who had previously really let myself go for years. So I am trying to accept that I am short and stout (I've never actually had a problem being short, it's the stout part that got to me). When I lose a bit more weight I would like to be able to wear shorts/skirts that show my legs. I know I won't have the most feminine/modelly legs, but mine are thick, athletic, muscular legs and I could do worse.

Now that I don't worry about my health at all I can start focusing on the little stupid things like this that will improve my self-esteem and self-acceptance. I think I am almost where I want to be in terms of self-esteem: I finally don't find myself disgusting, hideous, etc. and have learned to care for me whether I am fatter or thinner than what I want to be... However, I have my moments where I find it disconcerting to see myself and find myself too this, too that...

Alright, I am bored with boring you. I will stop rambling now. Point being that all is slowly getting to almost semi-perfection in Leanne-land.

My 200th post.

And oh how eneventful it will be ha!

First of all, I already wrote today, secondly, I'm about to talk about digestion. Oh, I will add some pictures too so you can see what I look like recently, after losing 30 lbs.

I wanted to confirm that my usual purging routine worked. If you are feeling bloated or constipated or just crappy overall, try it. The most important ingredient is eating a kiwi every day (with the skin ON, thoroughly washed). I cut it into quarters and it is so yummy right before breakfast. After a few days, you should see a noticeable change in your digestive output, to put it delicately.

For more immediate results, I add a half glass of pure pomegranate juice diluted in water.

The final trick is to drink two glasses of warm water first thing when you wake up.

All of these suckers work as well if not better than other people's "coffee and cigarette" laxative.

For me, having no particular digestive problems, this simply leaves me feeling lighter, less bloated and healthier. Kiwis have a ton of vitamin C (more than oranges) and other great things. I don't advocate weird diets or dietary obsessions, but the kiwi thing really helped make everything in my body run more smoothly. And I noticed that change before I knew anything about its nutritional value, so it's not some hocus pocus.

In any case, though all my bloating from the weekend was purged early in the day, the afternoon brought with it time of the month bloat and back pain. I downed an Advil and have been drinking a glass of water about every 30-60 minutes. I am also eating pretty light food. After breakfast I had a couple crackers and some yellow pepper slices with hummus. For lunch I made a salad with mixed greens, pears, tomato, cucumber, walnuts, turkey and blue cheese. The dressing was a DELICIOUS blend of balsamic, olive oil, honey, fresh basil, fresh garlic from Quebec, pure sea salt and pepper. That was my most successful dressing yet. I make a variation of this dressing all the time (with maple syrup not honey), but I found this recipe online to go with pears and blue cheese. I made it the other day but today's had more oil and was just a little less intense, so more mellow and delicious.

I am defrosting shrimp now to make some garlic/ginger/honey goodness with collard greens and other veggies later. I am in my gym clothes now, jus waiting to go workout. I don't know if I'll have the energy to work out intensely, but I will give it my best shot.

Okay, here are some pics of me in the last month. The one where I am more tan was this weekend, the other about a month ago when I first got my hair cut. After losing 9 lbs in the challenge, I looked very different again, but even with gaining back just 4-5 lbs it made the difference. I look similar between the two photos. When I achieve the body weight/measurements I am aiming for I will do a proper before and after body picture, but for now just the face will have to suffice.




Have a great evening everyone and Cheers! on my 200th post!!

I'm back: fat and happy

Hey y'all,

I survived a week of indulgent eating and laziness and I am ready to get back on track. It would have been impossible not to gain weight this week. This morning I was all the way back up to 159 from about 155 most of the week. I am not upset, I am actually pleased for having let myself relax a bit.

First of all, I had cupcakes. These aren't just any cupcakes, they are the pride of NYC, Magnolia Bakery cupcakes. For about 6 years I've tried in vain to get someone to bring me some back, but this time my Italian and British guests succeeded. And though not everyone was as enthused about them as I, they were as spectacular as I recalled. I just polished off the last bites this morning.

I not only had those visitors, I also had my best friend in from Toronto and a visit from another from Quebec City. I ate relatively well at the restaurants, but the homemade food was the killer. I ate loads of cheese and desserts too, so that didn't help. All in all, it was a resounding success and now it is time to get my ass in gear.

Aside from eating the last bites left of each of the cupcakes (I was eating them in quarters) I had a kiwi and a bowl of greek yogurt with Kashi, blueberries and a little honey, plus two glasses of warm water and now a glass of water/pomegranate juice. All of this is meant to PURGE my digestive system so I can start afresh.

I want to be back to 155 by the end of the week, and hopefully next week I can work on getting below that to get back to 153. I think that will be a toughie, but it might be doable, we'll see. My motivation is my best friend. She and I have similar body shapes, except she is like a condensed, fit version of me. Recently she has put on a few pounds and honestly, she looks AMAZING! She looks like Betty Boop with slightly smaller breasts, incredible. I know she is always very active and is fairly careful about what she eats, and I think I may be able to achieve this too if I am as committed as she is. I want to wow myself too.

Alright, that's enough from me. Have to start work shortly...

Back to the routine

So I am officially back to my regular weight-loss routine and I hardly know what to do with myself ha! After such a structured diet, I find myself caught in between my old good habits and the habits developed in the game.

The game made me realize a few things, now that it's done: my regular diet contains a lot of carbs and fats (mostly good fats though), and not enough protein. I eat enough veggies in general, and I drink enough water. It also brings my attention to the fact that I eat a lot of foods with lots of sugar in them (without eating candy or sweets, for example my organic raspberry jam), but now I am just moderating the amount of these products that I eat, without cutting them. I am also going to try to stick to as little Diet Coke as possible (my addiction, though I usually have about 1-2 per week), not because it makes you fat but because it has no nutritional value whatsoever. If I am to treat my body well, I want to stick to a consistent diet of foods with few additives and foods that are rich in nutritional value even if they are high in fat or carbs, etc.

I have a fantastic workout yesterday. I was planning on not working out this week, but as soon as I got home I had put my workout clothes on, and it's funny because I didn't even feel like it. But I am glad I went because I was pumped once I started. I dit HIIT (running/walking in 1-minute intervals for 30 mins, with 5 mins of cooldown), followed by some abs, leg lifts, squats and deep stretching.

Instead of cutting my workouts altogether this week, I think I will just do it when I feel I need it, and eat well when I have the motivation to (right now that's most of the time which is a pleasant change). And I will try not to get worked up if I see the scale go up, since I know I'll go more intensely next week after all my guests have left (I have an Italian and a British visitor for a few days as of Thursday, then my best friend is coming over from Toronto for a couple of days, so it will be paaaarrtyy time). But so far, after my day of debauchery on Saturday, I have seen the scale go back down faster than it did during the challenge, mind you I am not eating 5 meals a day anymore.

Instead, I had two toasts with PB and jam yesterday, then for lunch I made a big salad with tomato, cucumber, peppers, mixed greens, oil/balsamic. I split that into a late morning snack and lunch, and accompanied it with slices of low-fat cheese and some uber healthy crackers. It was a nice, well-rounded meal. For dinner, I made two eggs scrambled with zucchini, tomatoes, hot sauce and threw on a quarter of an avocado. I followed that with a bowl of plain yogurt with blueberries, a bit of Kashi GoLean cereal and honey... mmmmmmm.

Ookay, just realized I have to get going to work, have a great day and sorry for rambling on.

Game On! Game over!

I would like to say I am disappointed in myself for not playing with as much enthusiasm as my fellow Game On-ers, and for being largely responsible for us losing the game (I do not like to lose, and normally don't, ahem!, hahahah), but really, when I weighed in at 153.6 on Saturday, I was too excited to notice.

It's not really the number that excited me (though I desperately wanted to NOT lose more points for my team), it was the fact that for the first time in my adult life, I felt like I look like a non-overweight person, and I actually felt kind of thin. I felt light. I felt like my body looks right-er.

It's incredible, but up until now, my body pretty much looked exactly the same at any weight. I know things have changed, but I can't see them with my eyes--instead I use measurements to remind me I am making progress and not to give up. But the visual difference between 155 and 153 was shocking. Who knew 2 lbs would be the difference, the switch? Of course, since Saturday was my day off from the diet, and I was at a friend's cottage, I went overboard on ketchup chips (I'd been craving forever) and hot dogs and fresh caught trout and veggies and salad, etc... So after all that, I am today at 156. And while I don't care at all that I gained back a couple pounds, because I'm thrilled to have lost any at all, I SEE a clear-cut difference in my body from 153.

What I have also noticed though is that things are pretty flabby and pale and hairy and pasty-white. I think I will proceed as follows for the remaining work on my body:

1. Take a week of rest from intense workouts and eating overly carefully without binging.
2. Get back to regular workouts and semi-careful eating for a few weeks
3. Start another Game On! challenge in mid-September for 1 month, to lose another 5-10 lbs
4. Once I have moved (if this ever happens), start going to a personal trainer to tone up and get rid of some of the flabbiness, without getting excessively muscular. On my own I am getting big arms and such, and I want lean muscle, not big bulky man arms!
5. Take a relaxing vacation to reward myself for this hellish year and all the hard work I've done, and get a tan so I don't look quite so sick!
6. Once I have reached 140-145 lbs, just enjoy it and do basic maintenance while not becoming obsessed and still enjoying life to the fullest!

Done and done!

Oh and I really need to not be so lazy about waxing, it desperately needs to be done. But I imagine that if I go on vacation to tan, I will want to go at least so I don't throw up when I put on a bikini hahah!

Alright, I'm out for now. Have a great week everyone!

Week 4 almost done!

Hiya,

So, I'm in the final days of this challenge and I am thrilled. By tomorrow I should have lost at least 1 more pound, which will bring my total weight loss for the 4 weeks to 8-9 lbs. I expect to gain about 3 of those pounds back, but that means I am at least 5 lbs down officially. I am at 155.8 today. I hope to be at 153.7 tomorrow just to make weight for this challenge, but it is unlikely. However, in the first two weeks I dropped 2 lbs in the last day.

I found the challenge mostly easy to do if you isolate yourself (except for your day off / meal off), but in social situations it is just plain annoying. The best part was the daily contact with the other girls, the great skin I now have from eating more veggies and drinking more water, and the boost in motivation for exercise. The drawback was having to plan 5 meals a day, 6 days a week, but even that becomes fairly easy after a few days.

I realized that no matter how much weight you have to lose, everyone approaches weight loss differently. But the great thing is that by communicating with others who are trying to lose weight, you share your "best practices" and eliminate some potentially unhealthy habits/obsessions. For example, others will remind you that you will gain a bit of weight from muscle, that all bodies are not created equal (ahem! in reference to the BMI), that deprivation only pays off in the short-term and moderation is key, that it's actually GOOD to take a day or a week off sometimes...

In my case, I am a very muscular person, always have been. So even when I looked my thinnest (when I was 13-14 probably), I was always heavier than I appeared. So even though I "should" be between 110-130 lbs for my height (5'2") according to BMI charts and statistics, I am aiming for a healthy 140-145 lbs. I think that's when I'll have achieved my goal of getting my outer self to reflect my inner self. I mean that I am a hyper, extremely active person, and I always hated feeling like people see me as lazy. Now I don't care so much what other people think, but I do care about my body's ability to actually perform as I get older.

At 183 lbs I was already starting to feel pains all over and have hip and sciatic nerve problems (and a few years back I was almost 200 lbs). Now, with physiotherapy and careful exercise and diet, I can function so much better. It may have taken 7 months to lose almost 30 lbs, but it's a very important 30 lbs to me. It is very difficult for me to slim down. I am built thick and my body likes to stay this way. I normally would get more and more depressed as I got heavier, and thus less likely to persist long enough to actually lose weight, but this time life pushed me into a corner. I am thankful, because without the breakup, the horrible living situation at times, and this constant state of not knowing where I'll be in the next few months, I would have never focused so adamantly on my health.

For those trying to lose much more weight than I had to lose, I send you persistence. That is all it takes. You will fall off the wagon sometimes, but what's important is starting over, again and again. Make it fun for yourself as it gets easier. Make it a little more challenging. Try new things, new foods, new exercises, new good habits. And when it gets really tough, take a day off and start over the next day. Don't focus strictly on weight loss: take measurements, focus on how many veggies you eat in a day or how much water, and naturally the weight will come off as a side effect. Focus on every aspect of your well-being and your body will thank you.

I still have another 10-15 lbs to lose and these will be the hardest of all I am seeing. I keep seeing the scale go up and down like never before. I am doing everything I can and it's going at a snail's pace. So even though it's only 10 lbs, I still need that strength too...

Good luck everyone!

Should I be writing?

Dear fairly-public diary,

I am in week 3 of my challenge. My weigh-in is tomorrow. I would have to be 2 lbs lighter than today to get my bonus points for losing 1% of my body weight (I use my weight on Saturday mornings, then have all Saturday off and it usually takes a week to get back down below the weigh-in reading from the week prior). If I do not get the bonus points, my team will lose, and all because of me. But I suppose it's not all bad; this challenge has allowed me to lose 7 lbs so far and take on some healthy habits and eliminate a couple of bad ones.

I am not sure I should be writing today. Since I stopped blogging daily, I seem to end up blogging only when I have time to myself to sit down and reflect. The problem is that this year has been a painstaking exercise in learning NOT to think about things. So whenever I find myself alone, not out running around, I end up sad. And a few people on Facebook seem to think I am reaching out for help based on my statuses... While I can truly say that things inside my head and heart are not good, I have days that are great too. Those who see me regularly know that I can be very exaggerated/intense/passionate/overdramatic (you choose your personal perspective), but that is because I feel things very intensely. I am never just sort of happy or sort of sad, I am all out all the time. I am intense.

So I think I should force myself to write more when I am a little upbeat as well. I just don't want to paint a really sorry picture when truly, I am so grateful for so much that I have in my life, including the most generous, supportive and loving family and friends.

In any case, today I am sad. It is absolutely ridiculous too. I usually love my alone time, relish in it, because with so many great people to see, I rarely get time for myself. Lately though, when I am unable to find someone to hang out with, I get miserably sad. I spend almost every day out with the same one or two people just relaxing, just so I don't spend too much time wallowing at home. Keeping myself busy has been my escape from depression while I am unable to escape my precarious living arrangement. But the millisecond I know I CAN'T have 24/7 access to whichever friend I fancy at the time, I become like a child.

I am trying to keep things in perspective, but what is wrong with me, seriously!!! My former therapist once casually mentioned that I may experience some form of separation anxiety and suddenly, all these seemingly unrelated issues appeared to make sense. I don't like to self-diagnose, but separation anxiety would cover the bulk of my issues in friendships, with family and in relationships. But what to do?

For now, I just remind myself that 99% of my thoughts are irrational, and then explain to myself why they are irrational and eventually the emotion dissipates. I think this blog has helped me scratch away at this funny feeling inside. So I am going to go eat a small cookie (I am allowed 100 calories of anything I want per day :) and hope that my mind is a little clearer with some sugary badness in my system.

Thanks for listening, whoever's out there.

Split personality affliction

I wish I could come up with an abbreviation of some variation of split personality disorder that would spell out SPAZZ. That is me.

I am torn between two lifestyles, two mes.

On one hand I have never been healthier in my life and have never stood up for myself so strongly to protect my health and sanity and well-being. No longer will I be a pushover. If I do something kind for someone, it will be willingly. If I feel guilty, it will be because I have done something wrong and not because I am so concerned with how other people feel over my own feelings. Forever after will I trust my instincts.

On the other hand, I am stuck in every sense of the word, and all because of something I typically see as trivial: money. My circumstances are such that I have been living in the condo I bought with my former boyfriend a few years back, and we broke up last August. Though he did move out for a good six months, I have been living with him for 6 of the other months of the year. For numerous complicated reasons I cannot leave until things in his own life are sorted out. Everything I do depends on him at this point, and I am going broke in the process. It is killing me. And now it has carried over into my work (along with the work environment just generally sucking). I cannot make any moves. None. Unless of course I want to further indebt myself, which I do not.

So I have many good days, interspersed with terrible ones. Today has been both. The last few days have been sprinkled with meltdowns, followed by moments of peace. All I really want right now is to shut myself away in a cottage somewhere alone for a month. I don't want people, I don't want work, I don't want exes, nothing. Not even the amazing people around me. I want to be ALONE. Unfortunately, this is impossible for now.

Meanwhile, I spend a lot of time with my great friends. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy myself with them, but I really need some escape, anything really.

But just when I was feeling like drastic measures are inching their way closer in my mind, I received a package in the mail from my good friend, with unfailingly impeccable timing. It brought tears to my eyes. She sent me two CDs (from Sweden) with some pleasant music just because she thought I would like it and thinks of me. I can truly and honestly say that knowing her, as well as a handful of other friends and family members who have shown me nothing but love and support, has saved my life. I hope one day, when I have the energy again, I will be able to show them how much they mean to me. But to this friend in particular I am most grateful, because she has always managed to make some small gesture just at the most critical moment, and that small gesture becomes monumental...

...in less depressing news, the diet challenge is going well. I am ready to just be done with dieting and all that right now, but I know this is paying off and this is the only thing within my control, so it is a healthy alternative to drinking, drugs or whatever other less healthy form of escapism I could find...

Great!

Yes, I am now consistently feeling great. I have reached a weight "area" where if I gain a pound or two I don't get depressed and scared that I will never lose the weight. Yesterday, I made my weight for the challenge, I was 155.2!!!! Holy crap! I haven't weighed this little since high school.

After a great day off the diet, I am back up to 157.4 and I'm not worried. I have seen that this diet is really effective and as long as you don't cheat it will pay off. Only two weeks left of it, so I hope to be another 5 lbs or so closer to my goal! I didn't overdo it on my day off, but I did treat myself. I had toast with PB and margarine and a kiwi and pomegranate juice for breakfast. After volunteering in the kitchen at Santropol all morning, and snacking on very healthy little cookies and a piece of apple cake, I went for a tuna wrap (I intended to have fries and decided not to, and only took water), then I had two scoops of Ben and Jerry's ice creammmmmmmmmm. I got home to go workout, but snuck in 3 bites of a pecan pie. Afterward, I went to my friend's place, who was making us real Lebanese food. It is suuuper healthy food and I didn't eat too much of it, just one plate with mostly veggies, hummus, stuffed vine leaves, kefta, etc. mmmmm.

So I am going for brunch this morning for my weekly "meal off", then it's back to the diet. I did a killer workout yesterday, and today will be a longer, slightly mellower workout most likely. I'll also need to stock up on Greek Yogurt and veggies for the week. This week I am much more enthusiastic about the diet than in the second week. Maybe it's because it's halfway done, maybe I've gotten used to it, or maybe it's the amazing results. I truly have always thought I would never ever have a nice body or be in shape, and it is happening right before my eyes! In a very healthy way!

Alright, I am off to enjoy some brunchety goodness before I get back on the diet train.

Have a fantastic week!

Come on get happyyyyy!

Hey!

So I weighed in today at 157.2 again. No change there. But I wont complain. Aside from needing to lose 0.5 lbs by tomorrow morning to get my bonus points, I am trying not to worry so much what the scale says anymore. I have a little ways to go to reach my goal, and it will likely be difficult and slow because it's coming up on the last 15 lbs, so I don't want to become obsessed then get disappointed.

I have been measuring myself, which is a good idea for anyone trying to lose weight. It's the best way I have found to NOT focus on weight, which can at times be a poor indicator of progress. For example, there were weeks where I didn't lose weight but my waist shrunk by an inch. I was clearly gaining muscle, which would later help me lose more fat, so there was no need to fret. Also, after eating a salt-heavy meal I took on a whole 8 lbs in one meal, so measurements kept me from losing my mind.

I am most impressed with myself for not giving into my urge for Diet Coke even when I am allowed on my days off. I haven't drank any alcohol in two weeks as well. I am looking forward to a nice drink on a patio in a couple weeks, but doing this will help me lose the weight for now. And the Diet Coke is an ongoing struggle...

Anyway, got to work now!!

unbearably excited

after a moment's reflection, I think it may be the double espresso with maple syrup I just had... but anyway, I will write this post as if this excitement is completely natural.

I am so excitttteeeeedddd for zumba tonight! If you don't know what zumba is (not that anyone is reading my blog anymore), check out the link for Bamboofit (the place I go for classes, and they have some cheesy video demonstrating a zumba class). It's basically a really fun, goofy (only because no one can do the moves properly) aerobics class that is broken up into short 'routines' by song. This makes the time pass quickly and hilariously.

I don't know why I am suddenly so excited for it (pretend I never told you about the espresso).

I am also excited I weighed in at 157.2 today, that's one more pound down. I still have two more weigh ins before my day off, so hopefully I can knock off one more pound to make my weight bonus for the week (I would technically need to lose 1.6 lbs for 1% of my body weight to earn my 20% points bonus).

Volleyball was fantastic yesterday, and eating is on track. I am absolutely stuffed from my lunches: remember, I have to eat roughly every two hours, but I have to have double veggies for 2 of my 5 meals, and I decided to make my lunch one big pile of veggies (yellow/green zucchini and red/orange peppers) with feta and rice. The feta's making me more thirsty than usual, and the veggies and rice are sooooo filling. I plan on having a burger (just the patty) with extra lean beef and maybe a little avocado and some tomatoes as carbs (in this game tomatoes and fruit are counted as carbs).

All of my fellow players have noticed that our skin is now looking amazing, which we unanymously agree is mostly due to drinking so much water. I think it has to do with the amount of veggies and watery foods we need to eat and lack of excessive fatty meats, etc. Either way, my pores have always been massive and now my skin looks wayyyy smoother and clearer, so I am impressed. I already drank a lot of water to begin with, but now I am drinking roughly a third more water throughout the day to achieve 3L. Today, because of the feta, I'll likely reach 4L...

In any case, as unenthused as I am about preparing food in advance, this game is extremely effective and is designed to counter the feelings of deprivation associated with most diets. Seriously, I am a pretty big fan, despite hating 99% of 'diets'.

Hump and Bump day

The week's halfway done everyone, and it's time for volleyball! I am so glad I signed up for this league, because now I look forward to every Wednesday! We are starting the summer season now, and I have the same team plus two new players. I think I will assertively tell the crazy beatch I play with that she will no longer be able to only play in the back, because some of us would like to as well.

Today is my day off swearing, yay! I will still try not to, even at vball, because it's hard to get back into it once I've let myself go. I find myself cursing a lot in my head, so I hope that habit will eventually break also.

I was at 158.6 this morning. I really hope I can get down by 1.5 lbs from 158.2 by Saturday morning! Otherwise I won't get any bonus points. I am sticking to the diet to the letter. I even wrote this poem to my competitors to taunt them last night before bed (we're encouraged to trash talk, but I can't curse so I have to be creative):

Fair competitors, friends and ladies
Damsels not born in the eighties
I fear your strength is waning
Since all we hear's complaining

Ne'er ye fret alas
This slump will come to pass
With pharmaceuticals a'plenty
And daily workouts o'twenty

Twould not be fair to tease
As you recover from disease
Instead we patiently wait
For your illness to abate

And even before you've had a chance
To do a little happy dance
The rug will be pulled from beneath your feet
And your defeat, our victory, will be sweet

- Your Amazingness

I can't wait to see how they'll react to it this morning.

Yesterday I took a walk at lunch and did a 40-45 minute workout after work. I did high-intensity interval training (HIIT: alternating from super fast to regular speed in intervals) This time I did 30s fast / 30s regular on the bike for 31 minutes... I was soaked through and through with sweat. yay! This means it's pushing me harder than my regular old workout. It's great to learn new stuff so that I can start seeing progress once again, because I fear I might stay at this weight forever.

Alright, have a great day! Hope it goes by quickly so I can just get to beach volleyball!

Progress

Well Saturday didn't turn out to be such a bust, quite the contrary actually. I rode my bike to a friend's place, then we rode to buy a volleyball and went to play beach volleyball in the scorching heat. Just as it began to cool down, a really fun group of people offered to play with us and we had a grand ol' time.

Along with the cool breeze came signs of a looming storm. Since it was my day off I had decided I NEEDED Dairy Queen though. We rode to DQ, just a few blocks away, and I enjoyed it deeply, while getting wet in the beginnings of the storm. Just as we went to ride back to her place, the worst of it barreled down on us. Luckily, we were wearing bathingsuits and sport clothes, so we were having a good time.

As part of my day off, I had eaten a regular, healthful breakfast. I didn't eat lunch aside from ice cream, but we went to buy groceries (including nice cheese from the famous Hamel) and I made homemade burgers. I just ate one, with smoked gouda and all the fixins! I also ate a few baked chips, about half of a baguette with olive oil and vinegar, and drank some pomegranate juice.

Naturally, my weight went up over the weekend. It had gone from 162 to 158.2 last week, and yesterday and today I am at 159 lbs. I am not sure why it's gone up a half pound since yesterday, because I ate all my meals according to the diet and got an amazing workout in, but it's still 2 lbs or so of weight lost, which is healthy. I just hope I can continue to lose 2 lbs per week for the next three weeks. It's making a nice difference.

Sunday I mostly spent shopping at the sidewalk sales on Ste-Catherine, stopping to eat my prepared meal, going for coffee and shisha, stopping to eat my prepared meal, going to my friend's house and stopping... No actually I realized I also get 1 'meal off' per week that I hadn't used and would lose if I didn't use it that day, so we went out for some fancy pizza. I had my favourite: arugula, tomatoes, goat cheese, balsamic glaze, oregano/garlic. Mmm mmm good!

Anyway, today I am in pain from my workout yesterday after work. I will workout after work as well tonight. For now, I have to go to work, bllleeeehhhhhhhh!

Day off... slow start

Hiya!

I just had the worst 9 hours of sleep I've had in ages. I couldn't fall asleep for hours, then I'd wake up every half hour, then muscle pains and numbness... In any case, it is now Saturday and my DAY OFF BEGINS!

I weighed in for the week and I am 3.8 lbs lighter! I am extremely happy about this. I wouldn't want to lose too much each week because then it means it's usually not sustainable, and I also don't exactly want to end up skinny and yucky looking. I would be happy with a steady 2 lbs per week, and I'd be halfway to my goal. But 4 lbs is pretty awesome, and now I may gain one back with my day off. I intend to eat some fatty meat like a burger, possibly homemade because those are usually the best. I also want some ice cream and for lunch maybe a sandwich on fresh baguette or white fresh baked loaf of some other kind.

I do need to workout today, and I was counting on volunteering, but they never returned my email. I think I will call them to see if they need help, or simply just walk up there anyway (an hour each way) and if they don't need help, make a stop at Dairy Queen and pick up some bread.

I have no one to hang out with today so I will have to figure out what I am doing. I feel like I need to carefully structure this day to get all the foods I am missing in without shoving everything in my face at once hahah! For now, my tummy is grumbling so I will go have a healthy breakfast of cereal with milk and some fruit. May sound boring but I am keeping it light in preparation for the rest of the day.

Have a good one!

Day 5 almost done!!

Okay, so this whole food preparation thing aside, this diet is not really that much of a hardcore diet, and all the things involved are pretty easy.

Even the food preparation is easy if you're a decent planner. Personally, my brain is allergic to instructions of any kind, and tends to get them all backwards. So it took a bit of effort for me to figure out how to eat, but it's paid off. I have lost 3 lbs so far. Tomorrow is my day off, so I can eat whatever I want, which means I won't be losing anything. And today was my day off working out. I also get 1 other meal off, which I think I will keep for my Sunday brunches with friends.

I am very pleased because I am not doing anything so drastic that I would gain all the weight back when I stop. Eating five meals a day is a little bit of a challenge because we have to include all their food groups, but in general I could manage continuing to eat like this portion wise, it just might not be distributed quite the same way. For example, they want you to have protein at every course. This can be anything from a little bit of Greek yogurt to lean meat or low-fat cheese, but I would rather eat more protein at dinner and lunch than during snacks and breakfast.

But seriously though, this whole game is a great way to lose weight, and this is coming from the person who HATES diets and fundamentally disagrees with them. Insofar as a diet is considered deprivation of some kind. However, mild deprivation (of the junk food kind) is essential for true eaters like myself who tend to continuously gain weight.

In any case, I am about 15 lbs away from my goal weight, which is so close, but the hardest part. So I am so thankful for discovering this game so that I break through to the other side.

http://bookingmama.blogspot.com/2009/07/review-game-on-diet.html

small yay!

Okay, big yay and a happy dance: my team won the finals for Tier B. So we are the best losers, the best of the second best!!! I am mainly impressed because I don't know the people on my team, we all signed up as individuals, but we worked well together in the end. Aside from the crazy girl, I am looking forward to possibly continuing with this team for the summer.

In other news, I didn't swear too much, but I did swear, so thank god I won't lose points for that. We played hardcore, and even played 2x2 for fun after our two rounds of 3 sets... I am in paaaain, but it's the kind of pain that feels sooo good in a hot then freezing cold shower.

Angry I can only eat cucumbers as a snack according to this Game On! business. NO, it is not a starvation diet. Quite the opposite, I was so full all day. But you are not allowed to snack on anything but cucumbers/celery (ick) or 100 calories of anything you want, which in my case is a piece or two of dark chocolate every afternoon around 3 p.m.

K time to watch some toob...

Day 3: Success

Well, aside from a minor slip up (I accidentally took a container filled with strawberries to work instead of my lunch), I did not lose any points today (so far, obviously). To save myself from losing my team a million points, I chose today as my day off from my 'bad habit elimination', so I don't have to worry if I instinctively curse throughout volleyball finals tonight. I will still make every effort not to swear, but this way I wont lose points for it.

I got a friend to bring me my lunch, so all is well in meal land. I am extremely ANTI-DIET, but I decided to partake in this one for several reasons. Mostly, it's a competition, and I like to win. Also, it doesn't focus on how much you weigh, nor will you lose the game if you don't lose any weight, that just counts for bonus points. They are trying to instill in people healthy habits and break bad habits, but in all aspects of your life. For me, I have managed to make sure I get enough sleep, exercise more than enough, take better care of my overall health... except I never quite managed to really explore my relationship with food in any healthy way. Though I am having an odd (not difficult, just strange) time planning my meals, I am never hungry and am eating a healthy variety of foods. Eventually I would like to be able to always look at food as a friend, an energy source, and a pleasure.

Speaking of pleasure, it would appear as though the spell has been broken. I am now down to 160 lbs. The other girls have lost between 4-6lbs already, but that is largely water weight (I don't have much water weight because I already drink a ton of water). So I am quite pleased about seeing the scale move in the right direction, and am looking forward to the 150s. That is a place I haven't seen since high school.

I have to head home to eat a quick meal (I am actually really full from my meals today, so this will be tough) before volleyball. Wish me luck!

so far, so good.

Okay, Day 1 done. I lost 6 points for forgetting to include carbs in one of my five meals, argh! However, I lost no other points and am pretty impressed with myself for that!

I just prepared my meals for tomorrow: same breakfast as today (and I think I'll make this my "thing" for simplicity's sake), for two of my snacks I have low-fat cheese (protein), a fruit (carb: 1 banana and 1 apple), some walnuts (fat) and my vegetable will likely be salad since it's already made :). My other meal consists of spinach, almonds, chopped up sandwich ham and pineapple, which covers all the meal groups. I opted for fruits as carbs because there's only so much rice and quinoa I can handle, and I like to save the bread as a treat. I am not sure what I will do for dinner, but perhaps shrimp.

Dinner tonight looked terrible but tasted pretty good: grilled red peppers and tomatoes with sea salt and cracked pepper, 2 scrambled egg whites, a piece of bread with almond butter and a few more glasses of watahhhhh! And my meal requirements are done for the day!

The only forseeable problem for me are my wednesday nights, when I don't have a whole lotta time to prepare things, but I should still have some salad left to use, and perhaps I will go for tuna sandwiches or some other simple thing. I should hardboil some eggs for the end of the week.

In any case, I am pretty shocked I lost points, but equally shocked I didn't lose more. We'll see how I fare the rest of the week....ugh!

and so it begins...

I woke up late for my first day of the challenge, but it was a blessing in disguise. If I had gotten up on time, I would have done my same old-same old workout. Instead, with only half as much time available, I decided to try the high-intensity interval training (HIIT) workout recommended by the Game On! people. And boy, is it effective!

In this challenge, you only have to workout for 20 minutes (vigorously) per day, six days a week or more. I normally do 1 hour x 5 days a week plus volleyball (2-3 hours), walking for volunteering (2-4 hours) and occasionally zumba (1.5-2.5 hours if I walk to and from). I also walk to work and back... so it's hard for me to do any more than I already do. So finding shorter, more effective workouts is a blessing, since I can't afford a personal trainer right now.

I weighed in at 164, but it's that time o' ze month, and I ate Angus beef hot dogs and chips as my "last supper" haha! Yesterday and all week I was 162, so I am using that as my official start weight. This means I will need to lose 1.6 lbs per week to get my bonus points. Otherwise, everything else is falling into place. With a lot of preparation, I have my breakfast done (Greek yogurt, no fat, almonds, blueberries, a couple strawberries and some kiwi). For two of my meals, I am splitting one piece of peppered trout, quinoa and asparagus, and for my other meal, I premade a salad and dressing for the week, and just threw in pine nuts and ham for protein and fat (there is veeeeery little oil in my dressing). I don't know about dinner yet...

I have downed almost 2.5 glasses of water (not including sips at the gym), so about 8 more to go for the day which isn't too bad. It will help this bloating go down. I prayed last night and I have been really good about not cursing, so all is well so far.

Alright, wish me luck getting all that water and all my meals in... have a great day!

Strugglin'!

Well the nightmare will begin at midnight, but it's a healthy kind of nightmare. I am starting the Game On! Diet Challenge tomorrow morning, for the next four weeks.

I have done what I can to prepare. I have made a weekly batch of brown rice and a batch of quinoa (the part of cooking I hate most -- preparing things that take more than 5-15 minutes). I also cut up two cucumbers (the only snacks allowed between our 5 meals) and some fruit (pineapple, strawberries, etc.). All my fruit/veg are washed.

Now I have to figure out 5 meals for tomorrow, plus cook my "last supper". Since I am still generally being pretty good about my eating, I wasn't going to eat too badly since it's counter productive, but heck, I reaaaaallly wanted chips, which is something I never ever eat anymore, for the past 6-7 months. So I am having Angus beef hot dogs, Diet Coke, ketchup chips and some lemonade - all things I am not allowed for 4 weeks. In any case, once the four weeks are up I don't want to eat like this, so I am just doing this as a "goodbye" to my remaining bad habits.

I haven't been swearing much, maybe 1-2 per day. I keep forgetting to pray at night, but I do it whenever I think of it. I will put a note to remind myself next to my bed or something tonight.

Alright, I am off to finish watching the World Cup finals and preparing food for this week... by the way, it is impossible to find bread, ham, wraps, cereal, sauces, or virtually anything that does NOT have sugar or some sugar fakeness in it. So thank god I found a few things without, otherwise, thank god this is only for 4 weeks!!

Quick note

I think the universe is keeping me from working out.

After my amaaazing meal last night, I came home and did a 20-minute walk on the treadmill, thinking that I didn't want to go too hard because I'd workout in the morning. Well, mysteriously, my second alarm never went off even though it was set for the right time and day... Yesterday it was because when I got up to get ready for the gym, I realized I had forgotten to put my gym clothes in the dryer after washing all the sand out from vball.

I won't likely be able to workout today, and depending whether or not the severe thunderstorm forecast comes true, I may take a good walk at lunch and after work. I will also workout tomorrow, which is typically my day off...

Alright, off to get readaaaayyy!

Amazing high

I could potentially be in a state of mania right now, or simply elation, but either way, don't care because I am in a fantastic mood.

1. Even though I dread ever showing my (freakishly shaped, according to me) legs, and never ever wear anything above the knee (which means I am always wearing jeans, even in this 40 degree weather), I bought oh-so-fashionable leggings!!! I have decided that f$%^$ it, I am letting them loose (though my legs are still covered, the pants are form fitting). This is a huge step forward for me, or perhaps a step backward in some people's eyes haha!

2. I went shopping at lunch, and to my surprise, I enjoyed myself so much! I hate shopping. I hate trying things on. But this time, I grabbed plenty of stuff, tried it all on, and left with two long light tops to go with my leggings. I actually didn't disgust myself under the painful lighting, and I even fit into size 28 jeans!!! That is incredible for me! I still have about 20 lbs or so to lose before I think I will be a weight that gives me enough leeway and health, but a size 28 just makes me so excited.

3. I am going to L'Entrecote for steak tonight, which I KNOW will be great, and in amazing company too.

Thanks ICE QUEEN for the comment by the way, I love this background too! I read your blog every day and think you're doing an amazing job. Trust me, all this hard work you're doing will pay off because it will only get easier as you get lighter and moving around is less tiring. It motivates me so much to know that it's normal to really struggle, and that you truly have to stay focused. I also see in you how hard we all are on ourselves, and hope you and I will both slowly learn (or are already learning) to give ourselves the credit we deserve. You're probably a great mom and wife, now you just have to treat yourself as though you deserve only the best so you can keep leading a happy, healthy and stress-free life, with many many days of BBQing.

Have a great evening everyone! (on second thought, this good mood could be a PMS upswing! hahaha)

Updateooooo

So, I think I mentioned that I am starting the Game On! diet on Monday... well I am almost halfway through the book. While it's only four weeks long, I am already dreading certain food restrictions (keep in mind the game is not meant as a crash diet, but there are several small restrictions that I would NEVER agree to were it not only four weeks long). Such restrictions include: no sugar...ahhhh! I don't even have that much of a sweet tooth, but this restriction alone even eliminates the boring old All Bran I eat for breakfast! I can use a bit of maple syrup or honey though, which is amazing because that's pretty much all I use anyway, so I can still make my amazing salad dressing with just a little less, and a little less oil too. I'm all about the vinegar anyway.

I just finished off 3 hours of beach volleyball in 40 degree weather. Most were complaining but I loved it personally. I breathe better in humid weather (in sports specifically).

I may be a pound or so less tomorrow morning, which is great news, but since a good friend is coming to town who loves steak, and I have been craving L'Entrecote steak frites for sooooo long now, I will probably gain it all back in wine, profiteroles and peppercorn sauce...not to mention those wee fries and yummmssy steakety goodness. I know I wont have anything like that for the next 4 weeks, so since I was truly craving it, I had to get it in before Monday.

I have only been cursing at my ex and at volleyball. I have managed to keep all the rest in check. I did forget to pray after the first day however, but I will do it tonight.

Alright, I am off to actually relax for once. Yayyyyyyy!

Game On! early

So as I mentioned yesterday, I will be doing this Game On! challenge starting next Monday. As part of this competition, you must give up one unhealthy habit and take on one positive habit for the entire game period.

For my positive habit, I have decided to reinstate something I did almost my entire life but had stopped following a severe bout with depression, and never really took back up: prayer. Now hear me out, I do not abide by any religion, but I feel and have always felt that prayer is a healthy practice. It's a bit like meditating combined with journalling for me. I typically express what I am thankful for, think about the things I am doing wrong, and say what I would like to happen in my life. I find this grounds me, and I have been in desperate need of grounding for the past few years.

For my bad habit, I had a really hard time coming up with something. I thought about giving up Diet Coke (though that's part of the diet anyway), or shisha, but my friend has decided to give up swearing, and it struck me that that is a perfect flaw for me to work on. My potty mouth has simply gotten out of hand, and frankly that's unattractive and a sign of laziness. I am a translator, I write for a living and have an extensive vocabulary, so there's no excuse for me to resort to bad words every five seconds to more dramatically state my point.

Even though the challenge starts next week, I began working on these yesterday. I want to WIN, and I really want these behaviours to become habitual, so it's never too soon to start.

Much to my surprise, this morning I woke up on time and made it to the gym despite going to bed late. I went pretty easy on myself even though I "slacked" last week, because I only slacked in terms of gym time; I actually did a lot of other activities. I think I hadn't eaten red meat in a veeeerrry long time, and yesterday I ate a homemade burger patty (Dijon, ketchup, seasoned bread crumbs, yellow curry, salt and pepper). So the reason I have been sooooo exhausted lately may be partly a result of that, and this night I slept so well and am pretty energetic today.

I am off to work now, grumble. I will talk to you all later!

Still at a standstill

Wow, two weeks or a week or something have gone by (and in reality two months) and I have still not lost a pound. I have not gained a pound though, so that's good. I am maintaining most of my good habits. The main thing is that when one thing goes off balance, my whole routine is off.

I need to regain control of my eating. I hardly cook right now, and it is partly because I've been mildly down and not feeling like cleaning, so my kitchen isn't appealing. If I have to clean to cook, only to have to clean again, I am not interested. If I don't eat at home I eat with others, late, so the scale is off. Then, when I am out late all week, I don't get to bed by 10:30, which makes it virtually impossible to get up at 5:55 am to hit the gym.

The good thing is I get a ton of exercise anyway with volleyball, volunteering (I walked for 4 hours yesterday), walking to-from work and during lunches, zumba classes and all the other walking I do to get downtown to meet up with friends.

Life is chaotic. I haven't gone into details because I don't necessarily want everyone who was reading this blog to know exactly how I have been feeling over the past year. But let's just say I have been slowly emerging from a period of fairly severe depression, and for various reasons I have had to avoid thinking about much that's happening around me (because it would not change the fact that it's happening), and in this process of denial, the sadness is coming out in all kinds of bizarre ways. The depression is subsiding, and thanks to working out and eating well and taking things a little more slowly, I am feeling better about most things. I have also managed not to get so upset about not losing anymore weight that I start regaining. That is a huge victory for me.

Here is the great news: I am going to do the Game On! challenge with 3 other women. If you haven't heard of it, check out the book The Game On! Diet. It's a challenge to get in shape that is based on points instead of pounds lost, and it structures everything from how many meals you eat a day, to how much exercise to bad habits. It sounds more complicated than it is (for me at least since I am already doing most of the things involved), and it is NOT a specific diet! It's 4 weeks and you are strongly encouraged to badmouth your opponents (in a friendly competition way), which makes it all the more worthwhile. I am hoping this will give me the boost in motivation I have been needing for a month now.

Alright, I am off to meet a friend for brunch. My challenge starts Monday, July 12th, but I am going to try to start implementing all the strategies this week to get prepared.

Have a great week everyone.